To expect more consideration because we are not rich

[Bluebelle1012]

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

A few things leap out at me.

Totally agree the spending money was far too low and totally unrealistic.

It’s not hard to research a hotel, view the menu online and see what is close by.

It’s odd the family expect an 18 year old to pay for very expensive meals when they know his mum was concerned about his spending money. It’s odd his friend hasn’t helped him out.

I really feel for the lad. Both sets of parents should have communicated clearly about costs and expectations of payment.
I do think if you invite a youngster on your family holiday, you pay for most things except souvenirs. I think it’s mean and unkind to leave him struggling - it must be obvious to any reasonable parent.

My children have never been expected to pay when they’ve been on family holidays. If it’s was just two or three youngsters going on holiday, it would be different but with proper adult parents there wouldn’t usually be any costs involved for the friend.

I can’t imagine our children or their partners paying for much more than a token coffee even though they’re in their twenties and earning. I’ve certainly never considered an eighteen year old paying for food.

£120!!! I do £200 alone on a haven holiday and that’s really scraping, I could easily do double that!

So they all sit down to dinner together, eat, the bill comes and the parents turn to the 18 year old guest and say your share is 75 euros please?

OP are you sure this is happening?

I can see how your son is expected to pay for a sandwich or an icrecream when it’s just him and his mate (and he can afford this from his savings), but surely the evening meal is picked up by the parents?

Have only read your OP but yanbu, they should be paying.

We just took ds’s friend on holiday and we paid for all meals (5 star hotel) - they’re students. Only on mumsnet are 18 yos fully grown adults with decent salaries.

But surely if someone invites you to spend a holiday with them you wouldn't assume that means they would take care of all your spending money?!

Agree with this. We took DD2's best friend on Holiday with us (both 9yo) due to huge age difference between her and our 2 teens who'd do their own thing.
We paid for all meals and drinks for BF, souvenirs and toys came from their spending money.

Are they all eating and watching your son not eat? That’s so cruel. Even if they loaned him money to be paid back when he returned. If I was the parents I’d pay for your son happily. I can’t believe they would let him not eat, I would be very angry at them treating my son that way. However, it was a bit naive of you to think 120 could
Last a week for lunch and dinner.

Of course I would ecpect an 18 boy (man technically) to pay for his own food if I'd invited him on holiday, how ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

£120 is woefully inadequate for a 6 day break, if that was a you / he could afford it was rude to accept the invitation. Anything less than £50 a day is not doable if its just B&B at a hotel.

He'll just have to do the hours walk and buy himself some bread, cheese, crisps and some fruit, as well as any instant noodle type things he can make with a kettle and manage. Then nick anything he can from the breakfast buffet like yoghurts, rolls, fruit. Steep learning curve for him on how to be resourceful and budgeting.

Hello everyone

We've had a number of reports from people concerned about this thread so, as we usually do in these circs, we're putting our heads round the door with some important reminders.

Right now we can't see any evidence to indicate that the OP isn't above board – if we did, we'd remove the thread straight away. But the truth is that, sadly, we at MNHQ can't know with 100% certainty that any poster is genuine, no matter who they are or how long they have been here. As frustrating as it is, we're not able to vouch for anyone here.

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If they've invited him on holiday as a companion for their child they should pay for his food as if he was one if the family. He should be treated as one of their children. That's what I'd do anyway. Poor kid.

My mind is boggled by the folks saying if they only had 120 quid to last a week for two meals a day and all refreshments given the choice between a forty euro sandwich and a seventy euro steak would have went for the steak and blown their budget.

That's not what happened. Son has an undisclosed budget of his own, which he's trying not to dip into, plus £120 his mother has given him. He had a choice between €40 sandwich and €70 steak. Both are exorbitantly expensive but at least if you buy the steak you get an actual steak, not a sandwich. So he apparently chose the steak and to do more shifts on return from holiday to pay for it. It's a variant on "if you're going to be hung for a lamb you might as well be hung for a sheep".

Apriillygirl - it didn't fully cover her food (eating out was pricey), or the 150-200 euros extra for her to join us in quad biking, kayaking and zip lining. Or indeed the night in the airport hotel before departure, or the flight - but then we didn't expect it to and were happy to absorb additional expenses and pleased to get a contribution

So in short I haven't a clue what your point is

But the family here have also paid for activities, flights and accommodation but have not even offered a bean. You accepted $200, therefore you are no more generous than them is my point.

Hey, I am not in some sort of virtue signalling competition re generosity. All I know is that I wouldn't sit by and watch someone on holiday with us go without, and that applies to a lot of other posters on this thread too.

We didn't ask for £200 but were happy to take it since the friends family absolutely insisted. It wasn't allocated to food, and if it was I wouldn't have sat there and pulled the plug on restaurant meals and drinks / treats when the £200 was spent. I haven't sat and quantified the additional costs of taking dd's friend on holiday because we were very happy to do so and it wasn't a transactional arrangement, but I am confident it was waaaay more than £200. As it happens she was an absolute treat - good company and easy to be around

As a matter of accuracy - the Op has explained that the activities (hiring a skippered yacht type thing) did not cost any extra to include her ds

She has also explained that the hotel accommodation didn't cost any more (twin room shared with the family's son), but don't let the facts get in the way of an argument

Feel really sorry for your son. Totally understand why he doesn’t want to blow his saved up uni money on poncey restaurants with ridiculously overpriced food. It would make me want to cry if I was put in a position where I was only able to eat somewhere where a sandwich costs £45. This kind of extravagance makes me feel sick to be honest. The parents should be ashamed of themselves for not paying for him or at least going to more affordable restaurants so that he can pay his own way!

Hey, I am not in some sort of virtue signalling competition re generosity.
Hmm are you sure about that?

I haven't sat and quantified the additional costs of taking dd's friend on holiday
Are you sure about this?

You seem very defensive actually. All I'm saying is that if OP had given the family $200 maybe they wouldn't have been so 'tight and inconsiderate.'

I am not remotely defensive just addressing the points which you raised which is normal, no?

And yes I am sure on both points

I think, in OP’s position, I would like to hear the parents confirm that a sandwich does indeed cost £45.

Hey, I am not in some sort of virtue signalling competition re generosity.

You understand why it reads like that though when you keep posting about how generous you are and what you do right?

1. He's an adult he can pay for his own food.
2. an hour walk isnt bad
3. he's probably spent a lot on booze he hasnt told you about
4. why is he ordering room service? It's bound to be way more expensive than going down to the restaurant/bar That being said.
5. if they're very wealthy and spending money in exclusive establishments they probably should help him out as their guest

I haven't "kept posting" about how generous I am ...

Everyone has commented from a personal perspective about what they would do / or have done in similar circumstances , because that's kind of pertinent to the discussion!

I posted once with brief details of what approach I took (in common with so many other posters on this thread) and only referred to this again when specifically questioned about it by another poster.

Meh, this is getting rather silly

I have quickly looked at the bar menus of a couple of high end hotels in Italy.

Yes, food is expensive, but in most you can get a burger for thirty euros and a simple sandwich for twenty.

I do think you need to check that your son isn’t exaggerating. You must know the name of the hotel - check it out.

Example below of very swanky hotel in Italian lakes. Not cheap - but nowhere near the prices York son is quoting

arteracdn.net/www.grandhoteltremezzo.com/gallery/603/TBeach_Menu.pdf

The two expensive meals he bought- he went with the family and couldn’t exactly not eat anything. One was the first night after not having eaten since the plane and the other was a lunch after a boat excursion, and apparently they’d already sat down when he looked at the menu.

So they seriously asked for 2 bills? One for, probably several hundred euros, for the family and one for 70€ for his main course. Are they taking the piss, what an embarrassment!

I have stayed in a hotel in Italy (taxi needed to get to the very expensive village) where a tea was 10€ and a SIDE salad was 20€, so I can quite believe a sandwich was 45€.

I have never heard of such tight fisted inhospitable people. Of course your DC doesn’t want to spunk his uni savings on hotel food. Good on him for resisting.

When I went to Italy I was happy to pay the hotel prices when I was there because we had several thousand euros for spending money budgeted, and crucially it was my choice to choose such an expensive location. Let me guess they are on the Amalfi coast?

You don’t think paying for all flights, activities and accommodation was pretty generous?

Can people please stop banging on about how ‘generous’ the parents are being. From what we know, the DS is sharing the room of the friend so no extra cost there. I’m guessing they will have to pay a bit more for the breakfast. The activities are mostly things where the cost doesn’t change with 1 extra person, like boat hire, and they aren’t covering his meals and drinks.

For all we know his flights were £100. And in return they get a companion for their DS.

For example if I were to have a birthday party, I would never pick an expensive restaurant and expect my friends and family to pick up their share of the bill. It’s rude rude rude!