Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To expect more consideration because we are not rich

727 replies

Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:04

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

OP posts:
aModernClassic · 04/09/2019 17:37
  • your, not you're
Bluntness100 · 04/09/2019 17:38

I also doubt the son expected to pay for the steaK. If indeed he did.

My mind is boggled by the folks saying if they only had 120 quid to last a week for two meals a day and all refreshments given the choice between a forty euro sandwich and a seventy euro steak would have went for the steak and blown their budget.

I and everyone else I know would have bought the cheapest thing on the menu not the most expensive.

Swellerellamoo · 04/09/2019 17:47

I actually feel cross that you, op, the mother of a dependent child put your ds in this situation. Its careless and preventable and setting him up to feel humiliated, not to mention hungry.

Butchyrestingface · 04/09/2019 17:51

I actually feel cross that you, op, the mother of a dependent child put your ds in this situation. Its careless and preventable and setting him up to feel humiliated, not to mention hungry.

But he’s got his own savings. He just doesn’t want to spend them. 🤷‍♀️

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 04/09/2019 17:56

This should really have been discussed before he left. Didn't you ask how much money he would need? I don't think that your son's friend's parents really owe you anything - they have already done enough by taking him! This is a really weird situation... why did you let your son go away without discussing stuff like this first? If your son is 18 surely he is capable of discussing the problem with his friend and saying something like, 'Thanks so much for bringing me but I can't really afford to eat here - do you mind if I go to town today and skip to activity?' I'm sure they'd be fine?!

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 04/09/2019 17:58

Just read that your son has savings of his own but doesn't want to spend them! This is even more ridiculous! He's 18 - why are you giving him money when he has his own savings? 120 pounds was never going to be enough to enjoy a holiday - even somewhere cheap. He should stop being so stingy and spend his savings. He didn't have to accept the holiday and I also think it wasn't very nice of him to happily accept money from you when you don't have any, and then plead poverty, just because he doesn't fancy spending his savings.

Whoopstheregomyinsides · 04/09/2019 18:00

Having been to Italy and had full board, we still spent at least £100 per day just on getting around, coffees, ice cream and I'm not talking tonnes or expensive stuff either. It is just expensive being on holiday never mind needing meals. It's around £7 for cheapest pizza where we were as a guide. £3 for coke

Yabbers · 04/09/2019 18:07

but I cannot ask him to spend his own money on food he doesn’t want to buy.

Why the hell not? He's getting a free holiday, with activities thrown in, you've given him some money for food. Would it really be unreasonable for him to top that up? He is an adult, treat him like one.

Yabbers · 04/09/2019 18:11

OP the supermarkets in Italy often have cafes with excellent freshly produced food, the cost of which was very low (think meal deal prices)

This is like saying "England has food at very low prices". It sure does on a beach front in Blackpool. Not so much if in a posh resort in rural New Forest.

Bookworm4 · 04/09/2019 18:13

The son has a job, car, savings yet thought 6 days in Italy would be funded by the £120 his mother gave him.
I’d be asking why he didn’t budget for the holiday or spends a wee bit of his own money.

fallacy · 04/09/2019 18:14

I can't work out the dynamic is he supposed to just sit there while the others eat at restaurants or something?

Whoopstheregomyinsides · 04/09/2019 18:15

The parents do sound weird though. I would t dream of booking such a fancy restaurant here never mind for a recently left school "child" for he isn't earning like an adult yet. So YANBU about what they're expecting him to spend. If they were paying and he ordered most expensive thing on menu - now that's another thread

Yabbers · 04/09/2019 18:17

Like I said paying my sister back won’t be an issue because next month we can afford it

So next month you can afford to support him at Uni then. If a few quid makes the difference between him being able to survive in London or not, he can't afford to be there either. Or does he expect everyone else to pay for all of his choices?

Actionhasmagic · 04/09/2019 18:17

It’s just sounds a bit inconsiderate on their part. It’s hard being away from home feeling you can’t afford anything. I would want to come home too.

rookiemere · 04/09/2019 18:20

I've just worked out that the reason that hosts DS doesn't want to go into town is because I bet if he eats with the DPs or has room service then DPs will pay for it, but if he goes out with OPs DS then they probably don't. So he would prefer getting free meals at chez fancy rather than an hours walk for a slice of margarita.

IrmaFayLear · 04/09/2019 18:22

I can't wait for the host mum to come on MN next week and sound off about her slacker ds and his entitled mate.

thisisthetime · 04/09/2019 18:26

When I was 18 I went travelling and budgeted and used my own savings. When I was 16 I went away with a friend and her family. I got a job beforehand and saved up for the spending money and paid my own way (my parents paid for my flights and my friends included my cost of the villa in their expenses). Your son sounds like he has some growing up to do, an hours walk to a shop is hardly far at that age, not sure what difference it makes that it’s on a hill, he’s not 80. If he wants to eat in restaurants then he should use his savings. He should never have gone if he’s not prepared to act like the grown up that he is.

category12 · 04/09/2019 18:51

Yep, you're right, rookiemere. hosts DS doesn't want to go into town is because I bet if he eats with the DPs or has room service then DPs will pay for it, but if he goes out with OPs DS then they probably don't. So he would prefer getting free meals at chez fancy rather than an hours walk for a slice of margarita.

ChloeDecker · 04/09/2019 19:06

Only on Mumsnet could a family be branded selfish for paying for the flights, accommodation and activities for an adult to Italy. Hmm

It’s just as valid to say the OP’s DS is being a bit tight here because, although he technically has the money to pay, he refuses to (yet orders a €70 steak quite happily) because he just doesn’t want to.

Kazzyhoward · 04/09/2019 19:11

Only on Mumsnet could a family be branded selfish for paying for the flights, accommodation and activities for an adult to Italy.

Give an inch, take a mile. Sadly all too common these days. Sense of entitlement of some people is truly shocking.

GrimSisters · 04/09/2019 19:15

The family are idiots to be spending that sort of money in an Italian restaurant. The proprietor really saw the wealthy Brits coming! Hmm

Aprillygirl · 04/09/2019 19:25

*Her family gave me £200 towards her expenses. Tbh that didn't touch the sides - but I was more than happy with that as they are not well off and they did offer to pay more but we declined it•

I think the family your son are staying with are tight and inconsiderate

So you were given enough to cover your guests food then, unlike the invitees in this case Hmm

BarbaraofSeville · 04/09/2019 19:31

The family are idiots to be spending that sort of money in an Italian restaurant. The proprietor really saw the wealthy Brits coming

I know. Just because you technically have the money to pay for something, doesn't mean you should happily pay it. It's only steak and sandwiches FFS, so hardly gourmet cuisine or something fiddly to prepare with loads of obscure Ingredients.

Aprillygirl · 04/09/2019 19:32

He does have savings but he is going to uni in London in September and if he spends all of it now I will just be helping him out in September instead. He has a job at uni, but London is hideously expensive.

Like I said paying my sister back won’t be an issue because next month we can afford it

If paying your sister back won't be an issue, why not cut out the middle (wo)man and just tell your DS to use some of his savings for food and you will reimburse him next month?

Tiddlybups · 04/09/2019 19:33

I think this should just be treated as a learning experience tbh.

Might have sounded ok on paper, but a bit of a weird set-up going at 18 to kind of of be “half a child but also not” if you see what I mean?

He has no autonomy over the schedule as the family is technically his “host” but is expected to pay his own way. Sounds awkward for all concerned.

Probably better off in future hosteling and backpacking either solo or with peers.

Then he can do what he likes and control his costs. I travel and can easily eat well for a lot less than £20 a day.

Being “invited” somewhere by someone you are reliant on is easily a recipe for social disaster - look at all the houseguest hell stories on AIBU! Even adults struggle with the social etiquette of who pays for what. Or if you’re expected to tag round with the hosts all day Shock

My ex is ex military/medical and so his former colleagues/friends are scattered all round the world.

When they visit each other the visitor checks into a cheap Ibis or travelodge and they go out rather than host each other.

I used to think this was a bit odd and cold and anti-social. Now I think it makes a lot more sense and doesn’t foster resentment Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread