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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more consideration because we are not rich

727 replies

Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:04

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 04/09/2019 16:33

The DS has more than 120 euros, he also has his own money to add to it, so let's say a daily budget of about 30 euro. Not a fortune but enough to buy one snack meal and one pizza or pasta meal at a modestly priced restaurant.

Do people really expect an 18 year old to have the confidence to say that he cannot afford to eat at a restaurant when already sat down or go against the wishes of the hosts DS to go out when he wants to stay in ?

LikeothersIamjustme · 04/09/2019 16:33

I have a suspicion the OP's son ordered the E70 steak expecting the parents to pay. When my parents took my friend on holiday (many moons ago) the deal was they would pay for a meal one night, we would pay our own the other alternately. On parents bill friend ordered steak, milkshake dessert and on her bill only fancied a small portion of chips. By the second week I said to my parents I will eat with her every night and you not pay as her CFery is doing my head in. I may be unfair but i see this sort of behaviour here....

Otherpeoplesteens · 04/09/2019 16:33

£120 of OPs contribution doesn't sound undoable. Outside of golf-club type resorts, you could get by in every town in the whole of Portugal and much of Spain on that. I'm not talking about sandwiches and pizza, but a multi course restaurant meal with wine and coffee at lunch, and a main course with wine at dinner, and still have a couple of euros left over for a bottle of water or a beer every afternoon.

It's not a huge leap of faith to think you could manage it in at least some parts of Italy if you add some of your own money, but as a pp has pointed out this poor guy has found himself in a millionaire's playground and been hung out to dry.

Sooverthemill · 04/09/2019 16:39

I'm a bit mixed. I thunk if you invite a child ( and an 18 year old straight out of school is a child) to join you on your holiday you pay for everything. Or you don't invite. We have had friends of Dcs come with us and we didn't expect them to contribute anything but did accept them buying us a coffee or an ice cream when they asked ( as their mum had sent money). If the arrangement was that you were expected to contribute towards food then fair enough but if the options locally are expensive then again, parents should be topping it up. genuinely surprised that an 18 year old who presumably is fit and healthy can't walk up and down a hill though

AccioCats · 04/09/2019 16:39

Ooh it’s beginning to sound like there’s judgement here about whether families eat together or not.

To be fair the mother did talk about the cheaper bars and made it clear she was expecting the lad to pay for his food and drinks. In the context, it sounds like she’d be really surprised if the boy did want to eat in the hotel each night.

If he was going to cheaper places he could budget and probably manage just about ok (I still think 120 is too low when you think about drinks though)

The thing that really surprises me though is why if the OP can only afford 120 she doesn’t expect her son to be doing weekend/ holiday/ part time work to pay more himself? Surely if you choose to go on a holiday you have to be prepared to fund yourself to some extent? My kids all had weekend jobs from 16. If they didn’t, I’d probably have advised them not to even think about going on any extra holidays other than our own family one where we were happy to pay everything

MargoLovebutter · 04/09/2019 16:40

My DD went on a similar arrangement this summer. I checked the hotel she was staying at, looked up menus etc online. I checked the location of the hotel and on google maps you can clearly see what is nearby - even in Italy! I interrogated the family about the sort of places they usually ate and what their budget was, so that I could make sure DD wouldn't be embarrassed by either wanting steak every night when they were a MaccyD type of family or vice versa! I also asked about the activities they had in mind, so I had the right kind of travel insurance and so on. I found out if they liked to hire sunbeds if they went to the beach, or were just happy towel sitting - as all that shit quickly adds up.

I don't understand why this wasn't established from the outset and then you could just have said no, this doesn't sound like my DS's kind of thing and avoided the nightmare that he currently finds himself in.

As it is, I think someone in the family needs to transfer some money, so that the boy can feed himself.

Cluelessbeetroot · 04/09/2019 16:43

Whilst I agree that inviting a teen/friend of your DC on holiday usually means you will pay for their food IF all having a meal together, I suspect the parents invited the OP’s DS on the assumption that him and their son will do their own thing after the day activities (hence the assurances to the OP about cheap bars, pubs etc) and so they are not best pleased at having to pay for his food as it was not planned that they would be eating together in the evening.
I also suspect their sympathy wavered even further when the OP’s DS ordered a 70 euros steak.

And FWIW I have been to pretty much every bit of Italy and I have never seen a 45 euros sandwich.
I’m also miffed at the idea of any kind of sandwiches on a posh hotel dinner menu, alongside steaks that cost 70 euros.

Bibidy · 04/09/2019 16:49

The OP and DS assumed no such thing. There was a conversation in advance about food costs, in which the she and he were led to believe cheap restaurants, shops etc were easily accessible.

Yeah but even if someone told me there were cheap restaurants, shops, bars, supermarkets etc I would still assume I'd need more than £120 for a whole week. I would be thinking £250 minimum all day long.

stucknoue · 04/09/2019 16:51

Firstly is there not a bus, public transport is far better there than here. Secondly even with hotels there's cheaper options than room service! Finally walking into town isn't that far. £20 a day isn't enough for lunch and dinner really without alcohol, I did the same calculation myself and opted for ai because it means I don't have to tell dd no!

IrmaFayLear · 04/09/2019 16:53

I think it's a fair dilemma and awkward, but the OP's tone is somewhat... beligerent.

There is extraneous information about the OP considering borrowing money from her sister to fund the ds, when she has already said he has savings and his own car. The OP may not be as "wealthy" as the host family, but it seems she just doesn't feel the ds should stump up for anything. After all, she said he said thank you when they picked him up to go to the airport!

Merryoldgoat · 04/09/2019 16:54

Personally if I invited my son's friend on holiday with us I would expect to pay for all meals and soft drinks and activities we were doing as a family. I wouldn't expect to cover nights out drinking if they were 18.

However, I wouldn't send my child without significantly more money than £120 - for a week I'd send a minimum of £500.

I'd also clarify all of the arrangements properly with the parents of the child.

titchy · 04/09/2019 16:56

I have an inkling DS has a fair amount saved up, but I cannot ask him to spend his own money on food he doesn’t want to buy.

But you're happy to expect the parents to Hmm

Carthage · 04/09/2019 17:01

It sounds like a learning experience OP. For me as well. It's convinced me to never allow anyone to take my teenage son on holiday lest they decide to take him for meals that cost hundreds of pounds and expect him to be able to afford it. And to research menus in advance for every place he is likely to go. I don't even do that for my own holidays. And obviously I can't rely on information that they give me about the place they booked themselves, I'd have to check everything myself in case they'd misled me and somehow that would be my fault.

CloudRusting · 04/09/2019 17:02

What surprises me about all this is that nobody involved, not the OP, her son, the holidaying parents or their son, did the normal thing of looking up the hotel on google maps to see where other options actually were and how close they were in order to validate some vague information from somewhere about what else was around. Hmm

AccioCats · 04/09/2019 17:05

I missed the bit where the OP let slip her son has a car! Frankly any 18 year old who can afford to insure and run a car isn’t going to get my sympathy for not having enough funds to pay for his meals and drinks when he’s been taken on holiday...

I wonder if this is a question of priorities? The OP comes across as quite belligerent in wanting to play the ‘poor relation’ card. In contrast, I consider dh and I to be reasonably comfortable decent earners yet none of our children were driving their own car at 18! In fact the eldest has only just been able to buy her first car and she’s late twenties.

Really, your son should have done his homework, looked at the website and clarified things beforehand. And yes maybe the family could have made things clearer (though the mum did say he was expected to pay for his own meals)

AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 17:11

Sorry OP but your 18 year old son who got a free holiday with £120 spending money is complaining that he wants to come home because someone won't give him more money to spend on holiday.......when he has money himself and is able to run a car? CFuckery of the highest order

LimitIsUp · 04/09/2019 17:13

" I suspect the parents invited the OP’s DS on the assumption that him and their son will do their own thing after the day activities (hence the assurances to the OP about cheap bars, pubs etc) and so they are not best pleased at having to pay for his food as it was not planned that they would be eating together in the evening."

If that is the case cluelessbeetroot then the host parents remain in the wrong - because the problem is their son not going along with this. Surely they should have the nous to explain to him that it is too expensive for his friend to eat in the resort's fine dining restaurant and that the decent thing would be for him to accompany his mate down town for a mid range or budget meal

Cluelessbeetroot · 04/09/2019 17:19

@LimitIsUp unless their son is happy to go out, but it's the OP's DS who doesn't want to

LimitIsUp · 04/09/2019 17:22

No that's not the case Clueless, from OP's post on page 3

"I think the fact that his friend hasn’t wanted to go out has also infuriated DS and added to the situation."

LimitIsUp · 04/09/2019 17:23

Although apparently the friend has now agreed to go out tonight

Swellerellamoo · 04/09/2019 17:24

120 euros is simply a huge underestimation. If you were giving him the money, and agreeing to the holiday, why didn't you double check the distance to the nearest town and then the cost of hotel food?

I don't think you can expect the parents to pay for him and honestly I think you should have said 'no thank you, we can't afford it at the moment.'

Patnotpending · 04/09/2019 17:27

With you, @Carthage.

Maybe the OP's son has a car because he's a hard-working, careful-with-money sort who wouldn't have accepted this invitation if he'd known it was going to involve blowing silly money on over-priced hotel food.

MitziK · 04/09/2019 17:34

How sure are you that he hasn't spent it all on beer?

He wanted the holiday, he should use his savings, rather than moaning to you that you haven't given him enough of your own hard-earned money.

aModernClassic · 04/09/2019 17:36

I think you're son shot himself in the foot on that first day when he ordered the €70 steak. If he had ordered a modest choice the family might have realised that he didn't have the money to spend on 5* hotel restaurants. Instead, they probably think he has the money or indeed, they're worried about their food bill, if your son was to order the most expensive thing on the menu for lunch and dinner if they footed the bill each day.

I also think the host boy isn't taking into account the fact that your son wants/needs to be away from the hotel and enjoy the local culture and eateries to ensure he's not over spending. But then he's getting his food paid for, so probably hasn't crossed his mind. You son should have said something earlier to his friend.

cassgate · 04/09/2019 17:36

My Dd (15) went to Spain for a week with her friend and family during the holidays and we gave her friends parents €300 to cover the cost of meals. We also gave DD €100 as an emergency fund in case the €300 ran out and so she had money for occasional ice creams and drinks without needing to ask. At 18 I would have given all the money to her so she could pay her own way but decided that at 15 it was easier to give the parents the money to cover main meals so she didn’t have to think about it. The amount was agreed in advance with the parents but I admit I still panicked it wasn’t enough. Dd came back with €50.