To expect more consideration because we are not rich

[Bluebelle1012]

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

That's it in a nutshell rookiemere

He didn't want to spend it on the €50 sandwiches at the hotel

But brought himself to spend £25 more on steak. The sandwich was 45 I think.

He was willing to spend it to the cheap pizza in town

So why didn’t he get up off his arse and do that then?

haven’t RTFT too long but the family should shout the poor lad some bloody food. Jesus, I have a 19 year old nephew and if he were on holiday with me and DH and had brought a mate along who couldn’t afford the exorbitant prices, I would pay for his food because we can afford it, and more to the point, its the decent thing to do.

having said that, OP, your son can walk an hour into town, he’s 18 not 80.

but DS is not being given the option to choose

But the only barrier the OP mentioned to going into town was the hour walk.

Which really shouldn’t be a big deal to an18 year old.

YANBU in my opinion. I would pay for meals out for my child's friend in this situation...but I would agree that £120 isn't really enough money for the location and duration.

If I'm taking a child from a not so wealthy family, I would take it into consideration and also give them some spending money too....not loads...about £50.

Limit - if they chose to come on our family holidays then yes we paid for everything. But they paid for holidays and days out with friends from their weekend jobs. If they’d been invited on someone else’s family holiday then I definitely wouldn’t have assumed everything would be paid for.

I also don’t think an hour’s walk makes cheaper bars ‘inaccessible’ as some people do. Good grief I’m in my 50s and thought nothing of wandering for up to an hour while we were in Italy this summer, while we decided on where to eat. I feel sorry for anyone who thinks the average 18 year old should find that a big deal

I’d bet my bottom dollar the parents expected the two lads to disappear into town every night... quite bizarre that they don’t really. Are you sure the lads haven’t fallen out over something OP?

Sorry OP but he shouldn't have been going. £20 is not enough for a grown man including alcohol. I took my ds friend on holiday a couple of years ago when they were 9 and I asked for money for the activities and his eating out budget for the week. He also Brough his own spending money for toys he wanted. It didn't even cost me any extra to take him as we were staying in a chalet. I certainly wouldn't expect to pay for an 18 year old mans food after paying for his actual holiday.

The hour's walk into town is not, with respect, the only barrier to 'choosing' to eat elsewhere. When your hosts, including the friend you're sharing a room with, say "we're eating in the hotel tonight" do you really expect an 18 year old to say "OK, I'll head into town by myself then because I'm skint. Don't put the chain on the door"?

Really feeling for the boy here.

@LaurieMarlow, because presumably he felt trapped in a situation where he was required to make a decision and in the moment 70 euros for a steak seemed better value than 45 euros for a sandwich.

He's 18 or 19. He's young. It's a situation which, approaching 60, I'd find difficult to negotiate. Perhaps you were an incredibly confident 18-year-old but I wouldn't have dared to say; 'I'm sorry, I can't afford these prices so I'm now going to walk an hour into town for a 10 euro pizza', which is probably what I'd say now.

The hosts are incredibly inconsiderate.

When your hosts, including the friend you're sharing a room with, say "we're eating in the hotel tonight" do you really expect an 18 year old to say "OK, I'll head into town by myself then because I'm skint. Don't put the chain on the door"?

I’ve no idea why the parents would expect or want the boys to eat in the hotel with them. I doubt they did, except perhaps on the first night.

Laurie - probably because the are the type of family that, you know, eats as a family? We certainly did when my parents took me on family holidays when I was 18, and 21, and so on.

because presumably he felt trapped in a situation where he was required to make a decision and in the moment 70 euros for a steak seemed better value than 45 euros for a sandwich.

I would never have made that decision in the circs at 18. I’d have been totally focused on making the money last.

However I agree that 18 year olds are a bit clueless sometimes. But I think the OP was remiss in not researching, not building in some slack and not briefing DS better.

But she’s taken some of that on board and lessons learnt and all that

Agree that the hosts are inconsiderate as they've, whether intentionally or not, vastly misled the OPs DS into how much spending money he'll need.

Italy should be somewhere where you can eat cheaply, £120 for a week might be a bit tight, but it's not far off. If you're staying B&B in a hotel and have a big, late breakfast, you'd probably only need a snack or an ice cream in the daytime to see you through to dinner when you could get a pizza or bowl of pasta and a couple of beers and expect to have change out of 20 euros.

That's what I'd expect to do if I was told that we'd be eating in cheap places. But they've taken him to some millionaire's playground instead and hung him out to dry.

But brought himself to spend £25 more on steak. The sandwich was 45 I think.
£/€45 For a sandwich is so ridiculous that it make more sense to buy a £/€70. I would have probably done the same. More likely a better value for money.

So why didn’t he get up off his arse and do that then?
I really admire youngsters that have guts to do this. I'm almost 30 and I wouldn't. If my hosts went to a restaurant (who paid my trip and therefore I would need yo be on my absolutely best behaviosu and show gratefulness and respect) I wouldn't Have guts to say "i will go for a pizza. See you a t breakfast".

Wi have a 19 and 17 year old, and we eat together.

If I invited an 18 year old on holiday, I wouldn’t expect them to pay for themselves. They are a guest.

But by her own admission she didn’t research properly and didn’t include any slack in the amount, so I’d argue she was relying on their generosity to an excessive degree.
No, she was relying (if anything) on their information being correct. There is no suggestion whatsoever that she deliberately underestimated, or counted on them picking up the slack, and your suggestion that she relied on them deliberately is, frankly, fucking offensive.

However, they should have figured out from your pre-trip questions that your son was not from a well-to-do background and that he wasn't going to be able to afford to spend hundreds of pounds on food
This exactly. The other parents have either wilfully misunderstood the OP's position or are genuinely thoughtless and utterly blind to the possibility of other people not being in the same financial boat as them.

probably because the are the type of family that, you know, eats as a family?

When the mother discussed logistics with the OP she was talking about the ‘cheap options in town’ so I presume she’d expect the boys to avail of them.

If she has prevented them in some way from leaving the hotel then yes she is BU.

I'm going abroad ( breakfast is included) for 10 days on Sunday and I've averaged £50 per day for food & a bit over. I don't eat half as much as an 18 yr old, he shouldn't have gone if that's all he could afford to take.

There is no suggestion whatsoever that she deliberately underestimated, or counted on them picking up the slack, and your suggestion that she relied on them deliberately is, frankly, fucking offensive.

Totally disagree. 120 is very little, by most ppls reckoning, regardless of circs.

I'll swear MN is a parallel universe sometimes.

If I invite someone, of any age, on holiday I expect to transport them, accommodate them, entertain them and feed them. I do not concern myself with their or their family's income. I either offer the whole deal or nothing. If I was really hard up I might discuss help with the cost of the flight with the visitor or his/her family.

I have a large-ish age gap between my children and have taken one or two friends on holiday with us many a time, mainly as company for my children or one child, but DH and I've always enjoyed the extra child's company ourselves. I've also taken the odd adult, generally a family member, but occasionally a friend, who has needed someone to have a holiday with. Generally the visitor brings biscuits or wine, or money to buy ice creams all round or possibly a nice meal out for all of us, but I wouldn't dream of asking anyone I'd invited to pay for him or herself otherwise.

YANB at all U, OP. Unless it was made clear when the invitation was issued that your DS would have to sort his own food, in which case £120 was probably a bit optimistic and either a 'no thanks' or a case full of nutritious bars would be appropriate. Not feeding a guest is horrible.

It's hard to imagine the family all seating to eat with the OPs son and then when the bill comes getting the OPs son to pay his share. I can't see how that wouldn't be really weird. I presume either the host Dad or Mum pays the rest of the bill. TBH I would have thought they would just charge everything to their hotel tab.

If the OPs son is paying as he goes along it would be very awkward and very obviously an odd thing for the host to do.

I wonder if the OPs son is just assuming he will get a bill at the end of the holiday when the hosts are just planning to pay.

Just to be clear,

Whoops. I suspect the error was lack of thoroughness and hoping for the best, rather than deliberate cfery from the OP.

@tillytoodles1
£20/day was what ok gave him. The rest is suppose to come form his own savings. He can afford more but doesn't want to spend it at the expensive hotel.

The friend is not being a good friend and travel companion for wanting have hotel food every night. They spoke about cheaper places in town. The parents could encourage the boys to go out more unless they all she agreed to have dinner together. If that's the case then they should go somewhere more affordable or told op's some before. Yeah, op and son should have done more research but the parents were not being too helpful with it either.

£120 would have been doable if he was close to town, he'd have been buying pizza by the slice, gelato and supplementing with stuff from the supermarket.
If he'd known the situation he could have taken a bunch of supernoodles and things with him.