To expect more consideration because we are not rich

[Bluebelle1012]

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

I think if you were expected to all eat together in the hotel restaurant every evening, then they should have bought a package with breakfast and evening meal included (drinks extra).
Then the two 18 year olds would only have to find lunch and drinks.
Who paid for the other 18 year old? ie presumably the son of the family who invited him. Did he pay for himself?

I don’t think you gave your ds anywhere near enough. If that is all you could afford you should have asked your ds to match your Monet with his savings to ensure he could actually eat and drink. You talk about going to the nightlife. Well he won’t get far unless he wants tap water.

This friend has been a real arse. As have his family for looking down on him when they indicated food would be a lot more accessible and cheaper. Good on your ds for saying what he can afford.

As an aside in the noughties it was roughly 1.5 to the pound.

You don’t think paying for all flights, activities and accommodation was pretty generous?

Where did I say that? I just wouldn't invite friend of DSs on holiday with us unless I was prepared to pay for flights, accommodation AND food.

They haven't paid any "extra" for activities, they've included him in activities they were paying for anyway, same with the accommodation. So the only cost to them in reality has been the flights. Hence why I'd be even more inclined to budget the extra for his food!

Lots of people missing the point that he hadn't ONLY taken £120, that's what OP has given him plus he has some of his own. The point is that he was given the impression that he'd be able to eat relatively "cheaply" (I'm going to guess he probably thought £30/£40 pn with drinks) but the reality has turned out to be very different. It sounds like the OPs don has the money, he's just careful with his money and doesn't want to pay high prices in fancy restaurants. Had he been told that beforehand, he may very well have declined the holiday!

You are getting a v v hard time OP
When I take my kids friends on holiday I pay for EVERYTHING. I wouldn't invite them if I couldn't and I would certainly spell out how much they needed unless I was prepared to fund it. This certainly applies to the less well off friends
I totally see what you are coming from and I also don't think you are being unreasonable

Blimey, I'm amazed at some of these posts. Eighteen may not be a child but it might as well be if you're in full time education. If it takes him ten hours to work for that steak, assuming a minimum wage job, I don't blame him for not wanting to do that every night. Poor guy.

I think it's far more relevant to say that they shouldn't have invited if they weren't prepared to cover his meals. If you're going to invite someone to a mega expensive place that they didn't choose, then it's YOUR responsibility to make sure you can cover it. I wouldn't invite an unemployed friend to the Ritz unless I was paying.

YANBU Op and they are being tight.

Uber the 1 hr drive into town?
Strangely enough, not everywhere has Ubers!

To be perfectly honest, I wouid not accept someone paying for flights, accommodation and activities for my child, especially not one that is 18. And then to moan that they’re not paying for his food as well. Unbelievable.

I bet he’s ruining their holiday by making them feel bad while he hides in the room eating pot noodles. They probably will end up paying for his food as well, no doubt. What choice do they have? Or the least she thinks they should do is let his budget dictate where the whole family eat every night. OP thinks her DS is entitled to this because she had decided she is “not rich.” And the boy has decided he can’t possibly dip into his own money, oh no.

Lots of people missing the point that he hadn't ONLY taken £120, that's what OP has given him plus he has some of his own.

But he didn’t want to spend that and the OP thought that was reasonable of him (or she did earlier in the thread)

Host family were kind enough to invite Op’s son. Op,has asked questions about how access to cheap drinks , food.
Host family assure Op , that there are places to eat cheaply. Op then gives her ds what she can afford which is £120
Op’s son then phones her to let her know that he hasn’t got enough money for food.
The fault is entirely with the host family. Tbh, I think that if they invited op’s son , they should provide him with breakfast and an evening meal and the £120 should have been used for extra snacks etc.
I am sure that Op wouldn’t have wanted her son to go if she thought that he wouldn’t be able to eat

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask for a contribution towards food etc if you invite another child on holiday . We took our 14 year olds sons friend with us a few years ago . We paid for the holiday and accommodation and set a budget for the parents to cover for eating out . It was still a lot less than how much we spent on their son and it was a holiday he would never have had otherwise. People on here are generally bragging about how generous they would be if it was them ...well bully for you that you have the spare cash to be so generous !!
Having said that, we most certainly would not have allowed him to go without and to feel uncomfortable if we had eaten somewhere expensive .

But the intention wasn't for the boys to eat in the hotel restaurant, and certainly not order room service. The plan was for them to bugger off in the evenings to the pizzeria or whatever delights the village offers.

If I were the parents I'd pay for the friend, but privately I'd be giving ds a bollocking for not going out. Maybe there are not Ubers but there are certainly taxis in Italy! Furthermore, I've never stayed in a remote "posh" hotel that doesn't offer some sort of transport to the nearest conglomeration.

Still don't quite understand OP's mentioning borrowing money from her sister

but host family made it clear in advance that they were stopping at contributing the flight, hotel, breakfast, yacht outings and that he would need to stump up for meals. It's not a qustion of whether their c.£3k holiday donation was stingy as it didn't include meals, the invitation was extended and accepted on the basis that it didn't.

That’s an awful situation. If they invited him they should have stumped up for food. It’s actually really bad hosting to expect him to pay for his own food. If this was out of threat reach they should have asked for a contribution in advance and then paid out of their own pocket for the food. It’s awful the situation your son is in.

to be perfectly honest, I wouid not accept someone paying for flights, accommodation and activities for my child, especially not one that is 18. And then to moan that they’re not paying for his food as well. Unbelievable.

Totally agree.

The OP also doesn’t like the mother.

I wouldn’t accept such a favour from someone I don’t like.

@IrmaFayLear

But the intention wasn't for the boys to eat in the hotel restaurant, and certainly not order room service

Of course it wasn't. Because no one does this on holiday. No one.

I feel sorry for the op for being so easily duped by her son.

I wouldn't invite a child or teenager on holiday without assuming to pay for food, any forgotten toileteries, some water when out, .... I would assume their parents give them some pocket money for anything fancy, activities, and so on but "board and lodging" would be provided by the inviting family.
At least that is what is was like when I was a kid in the 90s - I mean, at the end of the day, you invite them so that your kid isn't a grumpy PIA the entire holiday.

Obviously, there should be some communication about this and clearly that is where things went wrong here, but yeah, YANBU.

Better communication and clarification could have avoided this.
Several points spring to mind...

The OP gave nowhere near enough money for a week away
The family may have assumed that as an 18 year old, the ds would expect to pay his own way while actually there
It would have been good for them to explain their plans, and confirm that they intended to eat at the hotel, and given some indication that food and drinks here would cost a lot
On the other hand, the ds could have looked at the website and sussed out more info
An hour into town is nothing for an 18 year old and I don’t understand why the OP is making a big deal of that

So.. not really a case of anyone being totally ‘wrong.’ It was very generous of the family to pay for flights and hotel... I agree with pp that the family probably expected the lads to go off and sort themselves out. I’d be very surprised at 18 years olds wanting to hang around in their room ordering room service. I’d expect them to want to head off into town.

I've flown to Italy several times for less than £100 return. This is the summer, so let's double that and add a bit. £250, say. In the kind of smart hotel we seem to be talking about they tend not to have single rooms, so they had probably already booked a twin for their son, and probably in a smart Italian hotel breakfast was included. I haven't stayed in upmarket hotels in Italy but breakfast has always been included. So in terms of accommodation he may well be costing them nothing extra.

If they have a hire car, adding a fourth member to the party costs them nothing. If they all travelled to the airport together an extra person in a car cost them nothing extra. On holiday last year we found that things like boat rentals were a certain price for up to four or six people, so he may not even be costing much here.

So they may not have spent the vast amount of money extra on him that you imagine. Not much more, actually, than four 70 euro steak dinners. And of course he's keeping their son company and giving them space. If the hotel had turned out to be close to town then the lads could have gone off every evening and had a good time together cheaply, leaving the parents to their room service meals. Many people would consider that a fantastic return on an investment of £250 for his air fare.

Acciocats - do you have an 18 year old? Would you expect your own 18 year old to 'pay their own way' on a family holiday if they were in full time education?

Of course you wouldn’t watch a teen (or anyone) starve in front of your eyes, but my point is, EXPECTING someone to pay for your child is a different matter. It’s clear that the OP is not even keen on the mother and describes her comment that the invitation for her son should pay for his own food as “barbed”, when what the woman actually would have been saying is “We’re paying hundreds for his flights, accommodation and activities, so are you ok to send him with reasonable spending money to cover his eating out / going in bars while he’s there? Can I check this is ok?”

This other mum probably has no idea he’s been sent with insufficient funds.

The boy is 18 fgs. What will his mum do when he gets to uni. Moan about the people who can afford more nights out and tell them that they should be subsidising her son’s social life as well because after all, they invited him?

I couldn't do what they're doing. If I'd invited your son along and seen that he'd already spent what he had because of the astronomical prices in the hotel, and that I'd made a mistake with ease of access to cheaper bars/restaurants, I'd bloody well be picking up the bill myself for him, not leaving him hungry.

Bit bloody rude, if you ask me.

Limit - my kids are older now. When they were 18 they tended to go off on their own holidays with friends, paid for from their weekend jobs. We would top up for their birthday or Christmas gift if they wanted something pricier. If they’d been invited to go away with another family, flight and accommodation paid for, I certainly wouldn’t assume the family would pay for all meals and drinks as well

But he didn’t want to spend that and the OP thought that was reasonable of him (or she did earlier in the thread)
He didn't want to spend it on the €50 sandwiches at the hotel. He was willing to spend it to the cheap pizza in town. Ok agreed. As do I.

Interesting Accio - whilst mine are in full time education I pay for everything on a family holiday. Possibly slightly different for a mates break - although I would still give them a wodge of cash for basics to take with them. I am not saying my way is right - perhaps I am too soft. Its just food for thought - the different approaches

The DS would have been perfectly able to pay for his meals had they chosen to eat at reasonably priced venues.

Most restaurants in Italy generally have cheaper options, but DS is not being given the option to choose but is still being expected to pay his share.