To expect more consideration because we are not rich

[Bluebelle1012]

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

£120 was never going to be close to enough for 6 days. If that's all you could afford then I don't think he should have gone (unless he could work for a bit to supplement).

I think that you and your son are getting a hard time on here, OP. You were completely misled re the food situation. I don't think that your son is entitled--I think that the host family is rude. Yes, they are paying for travel and accomodation. However, they should have figured out from your pre-trip questions that your son was not from a well-to-do background and that he wasn't going to be able to afford to spend hundreds of pounds on food. I can't imagine stuffing my face while one member of the party can only afford to eat breakfast every day. The hosts are people that have no inkling of how other people live, apparently. And yes, your son is an adult, but this is a situation that many people have gotten into when accepting "generous" invitations from wealthy friends.

£120 for 6 days IS enough for lunch and a cooked meal a day for a person on a budget in Italy. There are loads of deals to be had but unfortunately he's not in a position to get to these deals and the parents seem oblivious to this concern.
It would have been easier if he had been honest and up front about how much he could commit to food before he left (or asked his friend/friends family how much they would expect to budget for food at the location).
I think your son needs to just turn round to his friend and say "I have X amount of money for food until we go home. I can't afford room service so I'm going into town, you're welcome to come with me but I'll be back at X time with food"
Basically he needs to be more assertive, there's no shame in telling someone you do not have the same amount of money to burn as they do... particularly as he's just become an adult and therefore isn't likely to be earning as much as the adults that have paid to take him away.

We often take friends with ours on holiday. I know mum’s well and there’s a couple times where we’ve paid for the flight and everything. If they’re a bit better off they pay towards the flight (I usually knock some off) and then we always pay for EVERYTHING. All food, drinks, activities, even if it rains and we go to a shopping mall I give them something to spend (say about £50). For us the added friend is keeping ours entertained and happy. I just wouldn’t and couldn’t make them pay when they are there. If they want to buy the odd present for home then that’s what I expect their bit of spending money to go on.

This thread is very frustrating. People with rdktn read the thread of purposefully misunderstands.

The money situation was spoken previously but OP and family and been misguided. Yes, they should have done their research better. The family knows the money situation and still goes to fancy restaurants. The friend is also being a test for not wanting to go out and making it easier for the son.

Mom giving a kids with savings £120 is totally fine. They are topping it up with savings. It makes complete sense that son doesn't want to spend ridiculous amount to money on food since he has been misinformed on the availability.

An hour is manageable walk, but it's seriously not close by. Yes the research should have been better but the family could have informed that there is cheap restaurants an hour walk away. Yea, the son could refuse to go out to eat with them and go to somewhere cheap an hour away but how many adults have guts to do that?

I think the only debatable part is wether the family should pay for the upkeep. I don't think they should. I think that if a family takes a friend away with them they should provide a bit of a discount like maybe offer accommodation. But I don't see anything wrong with paying for own food but in that case you go to cheap places and buy the dinner if it is a fancy restaurant. But also I understand that this is complex topic and therefore I wouldn't ask kids friends on holiday with us and would be very careful with letting my kids go with their friend.

Op, the family was not being truthful and your kid seems to have a good head on his shoulders. Rest of the trip he needs to take more initiative with going out to cheaper places, maybe the friend will follow.

The Euro Exchange rate has NEVER been 1.8 Euro to a pound. 5 yr high in 2015 was 1.42.

Sorry not key part of this conversation but is annoying me

£120 for 6 days IS enough for lunch and a cooked meal a day for a person on a budget in Italy

What just Italy in general? Don't be so daft. She was expecting him to eat out at cheap pubs and restaurants. And to pay for his own drinks, during meals and during the day in the evenings, he was never going to do thag on twenty quid a day.

Limit if you are only thinking in sterling terms, then yes, of course it's much more expensive in the Eurozone for a sterling buyer compared to say 2005 when £1 was worth €1.47 which was actually about sterling's high point.

The point I'm making is this: €70 for a piece of meat is fucking expensive by anybody's standards, no matter what income you have and no matter whether your base currency is the euro or you are converting into dirhams, dollars, or doubloons. I have a home in Europe, I think in euros while I'm there and I have access to a family trust fund with a seven figure amount of euros in it. And €70 is eye-watering to me!

in which the she and he were led to believe cheap restaurants, shops etc were easily accessible.

But by her own admission she didn’t research properly and didn’t include any slack in the amount, so I’d argue she was relying on their generosity to an excessive degree.

Okay, sorry for all the damn spelling errors. Somehow mumsnet and my auto correct don't work together at all.

£120 was never going to be close to enough for 6 days. If that's all you could afford then I don't think he should have gone

£120 was what the mum gave. The idea was that the son would use his own money for the rest. Getti g £20/day and then throwing another £20 your own money is plenty in Italy.

I can't get past taking one of your DCs friends on holiday and not paying for their food

No way would I expect an 18 year old friend of DS to buy his own meals if I had invited him on our family holiday.

Yes, I would expect him to have his own money to buy things like alcohol or to pay for any activities/excursions that he and DS decided to go off and do on their own, similarly if they decided not to eat with us I'd expect them to sort themselves.

But if he and DS were sitting down to eat with us as a family then I'd be paying the bill, that's part and parcel of what you budget for when you take friends of your DC on holiday!

I think the family are massively unreasonable as well to tell you there were cheap places to eat and buy food but then arrange their plans/activities in such a way that your DS can't access those places. What is he supposed to do, just sack them off and say say "sorry mate, I know your family have paid for me to come on this holiday but I'm not eating with you tonight, I'm off into town on my own" - he'd look plain rude!

i can't get past taking one of your DCs friends on holiday and not paying for their food

You don’t think paying for all flights, activities and accommodation was pretty generous?

I cannot ask him to spend his own money on food he doesn’t want to buy.

Why TF not? Surely it's up to him? If he's hungry enough he can use his own savings for food. If he would rather save his money and live on pot noodles, who cares?

I can't believe you're trying to borrow money from your sister when he has his own savings. He won't starve except by choice...

he's been given a free holiday and was TOLD beforehand that he would need to cover food and drinks, which would be available reasonably. On that basis, perfectly reasonable. However - it sounds very much like what @Aprillygirl said and that the parents are doing what they want and not really expecting a pair of lumpen great18 year olds to jump on their coattails for dinner in the hotel restaurant.
(that said, I can't believe that they divvied up the bill at the end and asked him to pay - what, 1/4 ? or exactly what he'd consumed in €70 steak? they didn't sit there with a calculator working out who had the chianti and who had the Gavi? I'm sure they have paid for his steak with an eyebrow raised at his simultaneously claiming poverty)

Son should take some responsibility and explain things to his friend, make a suggestion that they go for pizza and pull girls tonight and leave the hotel.

I am pretty sure that people who have only a British home and live in Britain 100% of the time think only in sterling terms - why would they not

I wouldn't offer to take a kid on holiday if I wasn't prepared to feed them. I think the family are being really mean expecting you to pay an unknown amount at restaurants of their choice for an entire week.

Personally, if I'd invited a friend of DD's along on a holiday I would expect to foot the bill, as presumably it helps having a friend there to entertain their child, its not an entirely selfless choice by them.

I may accept a token gesture of £100 or so towards to the food if they child brought money with them, but would most likely say to them that they could buy everyone an ice cream, or foot a round of drinks every now and then. I certainly wouldn't expect the child to pay for their own dinner separately every night and would feel awful taking cash off them.

Really shocked to see how many of the other posters here would also expect the invited child to pay their own way! I will be careful in future of accepting any other half-hearted invitations in case the parents are also as tight as many here!

I was invited to a concert by my friend when I was a teen, it was a family thing. There was a free drink included in the ticket price, and I think I took £10 or so for another. When I arrived, the family had brought along a picnic with drinks etc, but only for the 4 of them, not for me. It made me feel like shit tbh as I sat there with my drink, watching them eat but not offering me anything.

If I invite a friend along with my DCs I fully expect to pay for their entry, food, drinks etc and most likely drop them home afterwards too. Parents who invite you along but expect you to pay are the pits.

£20 a day to feed himself in Italy? Do people really think that's ok? Send him out to get pot noodles and sit in the room eating them, while a family generous enough to pay for his flights, accommodation, entertainment, the whole holiday, sit feeling guilty in a restaurant because you didn't give him remotely enough money, as an actual suggestion???

You clearly couldn't afford for him to go. Thinking £20 a day was sufficient is crazy. Accepting their extremely generous hospitality and paying for your child to go on what is clearly not a bargain basement holiday, then sending him off with a pittance, is embarrassing for everyone. No. He can't trail round like the poor relation hunting round for a €1 Capri sun because you failed to give him any appropriate money to cover a few €5 cokes.

What a position you've put the family in! They've been so generous and now they either have to watch him eat pot noodles (and feel like crap while they should be enjoying their holiday) or fork out for his food as well, which will feel like a piss take when they've already paid for his entire holiday, because his own parent(s) sent bugger all money for his food. Seriously OP, it was all you had to contribute too. What were you thinking? You may as well have sent him with a tenner.

Still, you've done it now. And you've put him, and them, in a situation. Yes you need to send more money. Absolutely. And take it as a life lesson not to accept very generous "gifts" in the future if you can't make the most basic level of contribution required. Literally can not believe you're even asking if you should make more of a contribution now.

Why is everyone talking as though this is a child. This is an adult that has gone on holiday with his mate. He might be miserable for a week but he's hardly going to starve.

Maybe going against the grain here but in my mind if you're inviting someone on holiday as your guest, they are just that. Fair enough if they want to take the £120 at the start of the week as a contribution, but very rude to be divvying up bills etc

If you invite a child or non earning person you pay for them. End of

The Op's son doesn't fit into either of these categories though. He is 18 and has savings from his job.

I just think it's so grabby to expect to be paid for.

It's not about what I would do, clearly whenever I have taken a friend of my daughters out I have paid, but I've never invited one on a weeks holiday and paid for their flights, accommodation, breakfast and all activities.

It's about the expectation of the op which is this family should pay for her sons food too, or eat in places where you can eat out twice a day and have your days drinks for twenty quid.

I honestly can't believe people are saying the family didn't do enough and should also pay his food and drinks. And think that's not grabby.

OP, just going to say I feel really sorry for your lad that he's on holiday with such insensitive, over-indulged people. He's not going to see or experience much of the real Italy if he's cooped up in a luxury hotel in the middle of nowhere.

We have loads of guests to stay with us – we live near the sea. Some have money and arrive with loads of good food and wine and take us out to decent restaurants. Some, mainly youngsters, turn up with nothing and we feed them as best we can, including packed lunches if they're going out for the day. It's what you do for young people: you are generous if you can afford to be – and these hosts can clearly afford to be generous.

I don't imagine they've spent an awful lot more taking him. He's sharing a room with the other lad, I take it, so no extra cost there. And boat hire, Jeep safari - type trips will probably be the same price for four as for three. I suppose if he wanted to save them that expense he could just stay at the hotel by the pool all day. He's playing a valuable role by keeping the son company and out of his parents' hair. It's really not his fault that the parents have made such a ridiculous choice. Surely it would be cheaper for them to put the lads in a taxi into town each evening, where they can have pasta and a couple of beers rather than 70 euro steaks.

I don't imagine they've spent an awful lot more taking him

Have you never been on holiday abroad? Are you seriously suggesting the cost of return flights, and hotel bed and breakfast for four people in a good hotel isn't much more than the cost for three? That the fourth comes free or something?

Seriously?