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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I get SIL to stay away?

110 replies

Madeleine41 · 03/09/2019 23:40

DH is a recovering alcoholic. SIL knows this perfectly well. She is DH's sister and has always been very overbearing.

Last year his she and her husband came to stay in our village for a week, in a rented flat.

On the fifth day of their visit, BIL asked DH to go to the pub with him. I was not invited and SIL apparently didn't want to go.

I was very angry about this. Eventually DH didn't go, but because of the stress caused by the suggestion, he went on a four day bender.

SIL and BIL ended up going home a day early, after I had a terrible row with her. She told me that although she knew DH was an alcoholic, she thought that he would be able to have soft drinks at the pub.

Anyway - we haven't spoken since then. DH was very upset about the whole thing and has hardly drunk anything since. He has refused to speak to his sister as well and has blocked her on social media.

Yesterday SIL's son phoned and said that she and her DH were planning to come again, in a few weeks time.

I can't understand why she would want to do this, when none of us have spoken and she hasn't apologised for the chaos her DH caused last time they came.

AIBU for not wanting them to come again? I am terrified that even the thought of it will set DH back again.

OP posts:
Astralis · 03/09/2019 23:42

If SIL hasn't told you that she'd planning to be in the area, are you sure she'll try to meet up? You can always decline the invitation if you receive one.

Original poster
Madeleine41 · 03/09/2019 23:44

@Astralis

We live in a tiny village and would not be able to avoid them. All the available holiday lets are less than a minute from our house. She is the type who would just come round anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madeleine41 · 03/09/2019 23:47

I don't know why she would want to come again after what happened last time. She was so rude to me. I don't think she has ever liked me anyway.

OP posts:
Samosaurus · 03/09/2019 23:48

I don’t think you can blame SiL for your husband going on a 4 day bender - I have friends who don’t drink (for various reason but one ex alcoholic) and they have soft drinks in pubs. It’s not that an outlandish suggestion to go to a pub. I don’t really understand why he just didn’t say no if he didn’t want to go and suggest a different venue. It’s not clear from your OP why the suggestion of going to the pub caused a row and such stress.

S1naidSucks · 03/09/2019 23:50

Why is she getting the blame when it was her husband that was pushing for your husband to go to the bar? You also need to stop blaming them for your husband going on a bender. He didn’t go to the bar but got drunk anyway. You say he has t drunk much since, but he’s still drinking. That’s on him and no one else. Yes, alcoholism is an illness but they’re not forcing him to drink.

Chocmallows · 03/09/2019 23:52

If you are speaking to SIL son why not ask him what their intentions are?
You could tell him that you do not want to open communications back up yet as DH and you are not ready - set your boundaries up in advance?

Original poster
Madeleine41 · 03/09/2019 23:53

He did say no to the idea of going for a drink Samosaurus but there isn't anywhere else to go out in our village.

The stress was caused because DH and I had a long talk which ended up in a row about his drinking.

We had avoided such rows for many months prior to that and he was doing very well with regard to alcohol.

He knew that if he went to the pub he would drink. The irony is that our row about it started his off drinking again anyway. He disappeared for four days on his own and drank himself stupid.

OP posts:
emilybrontescorsett · 03/09/2019 23:53

I'm also struggling with why the sil is getting blamed for this.

gobbynorthernbird · 03/09/2019 23:54

You're pissed off at the wrong person. He was asked if he wanted to go to the pub by his BIL. He could have just declined.

Given that he's still drinking, maybe he actually wanted to go.

Original poster
Madeleine41 · 03/09/2019 23:55

SIL and BIL are getting equal blame for this. DH got a good deal of blame too (from me) at the time.

I am NC with SIL now so I can't discuss it with her.

She is very dominant and would have been the one who decided to come here again. BIL would just be following her lead.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madeleine41 · 03/09/2019 23:57

He did decline to go gobbynorthernbird but we got into an argument about why BIL invited him in the first place.

Then he went on the bender.

OP posts:
Samosaurus · 03/09/2019 23:58

Madeleine41 That still doesn’t make any sense why you are blaming your SiL. From your update it seems like it was your and his discussions that was the catalyst for his binge. It must be really hard to manage being in a relationship with an alcoholic, but it’s not reasonable to try to blame anyone else for his actions and decision making..

gobbynorthernbird · 03/09/2019 23:58

Why are SIL and BIL getting any blame? It isn't their fault that your DH is an (active, not recovering) alcoholic.

Weezol · 03/09/2019 23:59

It’s not that an outlandish suggestion to go to a pub

Yes it is. Especially in the early stages of recovery. I have over nine years sober, and I'm okay in certain pubs - I absolutely avoid the ones I was a regular at.

OP - he chose to have the first drink of that four day bender. That's on him. I recommend you contact Al-anon to get some support for you.

gobbynorthernbird · 03/09/2019 23:59

So, is it your fault that he went on a bender because you'd had a row? Of course not.
Do you feel guilty about it?

Leaannb · 04/09/2019 00:01

YABVU....Your Sil and Bil are not responsible for your husband's sobriety. By your way of thinking you would be just as responsible for having a go at him. Since thats what actually sent him on the 4 day bender. But alas....Its your husband's responsibility. No one else

Samosaurus · 04/09/2019 00:02

Weezol ok fair enough. But as OP later mentioned there is nowhere else to go in their village. So I can see why BiL suggested it. And the DH could have simply declined, rather than disappear on a four day bender.

dollydaydream114 · 04/09/2019 00:03

It was BIL who suggested the pub. It was you who had a row with DH that triggered his drinking spree. It was - and is - DH who isn’t addressing his drink problem. So I’m not why it’s SIL, who doesn’t seem to have done anything except defend herself when you had a go at her for something she wasn’t actually part of, that you’ve decided is the villain of the piece.

Original poster
Madeleine41 · 04/09/2019 00:04

I do understand that it is on him as to whether he drinks or not.

If BIL had not made the suggestion, our argument would not have happened.

DH has not had a drink for sixteen months now, so I would say that he's a recovering alcoholic, not an active one as gobbynorthernbird is saying.

OP posts:
crustycrab · 04/09/2019 00:07

His sister wants a relationship with him. He's her brother. He went on a 4 day bender because he wanted to. It wasn't their fault. Yabu

ReanimatedSGB · 04/09/2019 00:09

But your H's alcoholism is not your SIL and BIL's responsibility. Nor is it yours. While it is possible that they are both the sort of pushy people who might have 'teased' and nagged him that one drink wouldn't hurt, etc, it's still his choice and his responsibility.

Samosaurus · 04/09/2019 00:10

If BIL had not made the suggestion, our argument would not have happened.
This is very unusual logic. Unless your BiL was there and goading you and your DH into having an argument, I can’t see how the argument was anyone’s responsibility apart from the two people who chose to have it. But that’s great your husband has now been sober for 16 months. So I guess this all happened a while ago then. Sounds like you have other issues with your SiL, but you must see that the four day bender thing wasn’t down to her or your BiL - or is this a handy excuse not to have to see them?

WooMaWang · 04/09/2019 00:13

If BIL had not made the suggestion, our argument would not have happened.

Come on. Read that back.

Your BIL suggesting they go to the only public place for socialising in your village did not force you to argue with your husband.

And arguing with you did not force him to drink.

It helps no one to think like this.

goldfinchfan · 04/09/2019 00:21

I think it is selfish of the SIL and BIL to want to go to a pub if DH is
alcoholic.

It is reasonable to not want to see them. Have a plan ready in case they turn up.

Whatever happens you and DH are not going to the pub.

Perhaps AA could help give DH more strength. I am not alcoholic but I can understand that it is not easy to stop so he could do with more support form other people who know about this.

You are wise to be NC with SIL. I think they do have some responsibility, by inviting him to the pub was playing with fire, It was unkind too. They are selfish and need to be avoided in the pub, They can see him somewhere else

TheRebelAlliance · 04/09/2019 00:28

What has she done? The OP says that she didn't want to go to the pub?

That aside. It is not their fault that he went on a 4 day bender.

Don't you think the fact you rowed with his sister may have been a more significant trigger?

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