How can I get SIL to stay away?

[Madeleine41]

DH is a recovering alcoholic. SIL knows this perfectly well. She is DH's sister and has always been very overbearing.

Last year his she and her husband came to stay in our village for a week, in a rented flat.

On the fifth day of their visit, BIL asked DH to go to the pub with him. I was not invited and SIL apparently didn't want to go.

I was very angry about this. Eventually DH didn't go, but because of the stress caused by the suggestion, he went on a four day bender.

SIL and BIL ended up going home a day early, after I had a terrible row with her. She told me that although she knew DH was an alcoholic, she thought that he would be able to have soft drinks at the pub.

Anyway - we haven't spoken since then. DH was very upset about the whole thing and has hardly drunk anything since. He has refused to speak to his sister as well and has blocked her on social media.

Yesterday SIL's son phoned and said that she and her DH were planning to come again, in a few weeks time.

I can't understand why she would want to do this, when none of us have spoken and she hasn't apologised for the chaos her DH caused last time they came.

AIBU for not wanting them to come again? I am terrified that even the thought of it will set DH back again.

10.47 post.

Although I'm not pointing the finger at that poster I'm particular, it's just often said and in wonder why. I've never heard it said about drug addicts for example.

All addictions are classed as illnesses, MeggyMeg. The fact that you may not have heard the expression used is neither here nor there.

Ace post, @HelenUrth.

I don't see how your SIL - or anyone apart from himself - is to blame for your DH relapsing, OP. I'm 30 years sober through AA and I can tell you getting and staying sober is the responsibility of the alcoholic.

Is your DH going to regular, frequent meetings? Does he have a sponsor? Because unless he's doing these things he's unlikely to stay sober.

Its funny how other addictions are not referred to as an 'illness'. Why is that?

I've seen other addictions referred to as an illness quite regularly, esp on here.

Food addiction and overeating.
Prescription drugs.
Street drugs.
Gambling.
Sex. (This one I've only seen whe the he husband has been cheating and said he thinks he's addicted to sex, and the woman has had posters tell her she should be supportive and help him recover instead of throw away a marriage if he's truly sorry and wants to recover)

The only addiction I don't think I've seen commonly referred to as an illness is nicotine.

Of course there is ‘alcoholic-blaming’ in here. There should be.

Alcoholism being an illness does not absolve the alcoholic of the responsibility for managing it. They are the only person with any control over whether they drink or not. And, convenient as it may be to an alcoholic on the verge of relapse, other people’s actions do not cause them to do anything. It is their responsibility, and their responsibility alone, to ensure they have adequate mechanisms to cope with everyday temptations to drink and to make use of them.

It helps no one, least of all the alcoholic, to pretend that they are simply victims of circumstance. Different kinds of illness require different approaches and treatments. Taking responsibility for their alcoholism is a crucial part of its treatment.

Oh, nonsense. Waving drink under his nose is unnecessarily cruel and the consequences are predictable.

They didnt wave a drink under his nose.

I grew up in a family if many alcoholics. Plenty, who are in recovery can easily go to pubs. Some cant.

There no reason to assume someone in recovery cant go to a pub. And often assuming they cant go into certain situations pisses them off.

The dh here went on a binge because he wanted to and saw an excuse.

There shouldnt have been an argument, as bil asked....dh said no.

OP can not avoid having difficult discussions with him forever, out of fear of him going on a bender.

What an excuse he has!!!! If you want to discuss sometuomf similar, you are risking sending me on a bender.

Its odd that OP blames sil and bil. Yet he has drank several times since. Whose fault was that?

Your dh chose to become an alcoholic

Oh for fuck's sake. Alcoholics do not CHOOSE addiction. I certainly bloody didn't, I drank to cope with abuse, sexual violence, C-PTSD, and being pretty much stonewalled by the mental health services. My alcoholism started gradually, then suddenly my life had deteriorated beyond all recognition. Of course someone CHOOSES that, don't they?

OP, the things you've said about your DH's drinking habits scream 'dry drunk' to me. He isn't in recovery - he's white-knuckling it. There's a very real difference between being sober and being dry.

Your ILs are a red herring here.

Also not understanding why SIL is getting blamed. She didn’t suggest the pub or go to the pub.

Yes, it’s ridiculous to claim anyone choose addiction. Why would anyone do that?

But choosing to drink at any given time is a different issue. Gaining control over an addiction is hard, but that’s exactly why addicts need to ensure they have support (from services) and mechanisms so they can choose not to drink. What they can’t do (and shouldn’t do) is outsource the responsibility for that to their spouses or other family members.

And, of course, families of alcoholics do need support to stop them trying to take responsibility (or assign it to others) for something they cannot control. The OP is clearly struggling with this (because, actually, it’s bloody hard).

I think your husband's sobriety takes precedence. Would it be possible to go away somewhere for a few days? If she doesn't realise that a pub invite could jeopardise his progress, that's difficult.

A lot of alcoholic-blaming going on here.

Having been married to an alcoholic, I'm pretty certain that the first step to recovery is accepting responsibility and stopping shifting blame onto others. 'It's not your fault. You didn't cause it' is definitely the mantra of Al anon, the group that supports family members of alcoholics..