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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I get SIL to stay away?

110 replies

Madeleine41 · 03/09/2019 23:40

DH is a recovering alcoholic. SIL knows this perfectly well. She is DH's sister and has always been very overbearing.

Last year his she and her husband came to stay in our village for a week, in a rented flat.

On the fifth day of their visit, BIL asked DH to go to the pub with him. I was not invited and SIL apparently didn't want to go.

I was very angry about this. Eventually DH didn't go, but because of the stress caused by the suggestion, he went on a four day bender.

SIL and BIL ended up going home a day early, after I had a terrible row with her. She told me that although she knew DH was an alcoholic, she thought that he would be able to have soft drinks at the pub.

Anyway - we haven't spoken since then. DH was very upset about the whole thing and has hardly drunk anything since. He has refused to speak to his sister as well and has blocked her on social media.

Yesterday SIL's son phoned and said that she and her DH were planning to come again, in a few weeks time.

I can't understand why she would want to do this, when none of us have spoken and she hasn't apologised for the chaos her DH caused last time they came.

AIBU for not wanting them to come again? I am terrified that even the thought of it will set DH back again.

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 04/09/2019 06:50

You can’t cut everyone out who makes suggestions that you don’t like. It’s a strange way to think “if they hadn’t of said X, Y would never of happened”. You’re husband is a recovering alcoholic, you had a row, he had a relapse. It’s no more SILs fault than it is yours. Do you not like her anyway? There must be a backstory between you. Otherwise it sounds like you are transferring blame onto them and being unreasonable.

AlwaysCheddar · 04/09/2019 06:56

Sorry but you are being very unfair on sil and bil. Your dh chose to go to the pub. Your dh decided to get smashed. Your dh chose to become an alcoholic. Don’t put 100% of the blame on others as it’s your dhs fault.

londonrach · 04/09/2019 06:56

Unless back story yabu to go nc with sil. Cant see how your dh going drinking for 4 days is their problem. Pubs sell lots of different soft drinks now. Sounds like dh isnt a recovering alcoholic. Has he a mentor or support from aa.

Blindandfrozen · 04/09/2019 07:05

What does ‘has hardly drunk anything since’ mean? Does he still drink?

AnyFucker · 04/09/2019 07:09

Your co dependency is glaring

If you have to micro manage your husband's access to alcohol so tightly, he is an active alcoholic

You are both in denial

alittleprivacy · 04/09/2019 07:21

Be very, very careful about falling out with people because you perceive they have made your husband drink. Your husband drank because he wanted to. Maybe he wouldn't have drank if they had never visited or been more mindful of his difficult time. Or maybe he would have drank because the toilet roll was turned the wrong way. If you know that he is still drinking on and off now, there are extremely, extremely good odds that he is drinking quite a lot more than you know about. And by minimising his role in his 4 day bender and blaming your in laws you are unfortunately enabling him to find excuses and not be responsible for his own behaviour.

I've been where you are. I had my husband's back all through his "recovery." I swept his "blips" under the carpet and focussed on how well he was doing 95% of the time. Because it really did seem like he'd clawed his way back from near death. But he hadn't. With hindsight and completely clear of the FOG of living with him I can see that all he'd done was hit a functional stage of his addiction. The improvement was so vast I believed it to be recovery but in reality it was just part of an addiction cycle. And I was so, so protective of him in that period. I hated anyone who was selfish and stupid enough to cause him to "slip up." I raged against them, backed him up when he cut them off. Blamed them fully instead of seeing who's choice it actually was. And 100% enabled him to keep on ruining both of our lives.

I'm sorry. But if your husband is still drinking he is not in recovery. It doesn't really matter if it's better than it used to be. He's still maintaining his addiction and by blaming other people rather than holding him responsible for his own actions and letting him feel the real consequences, he is able to maintain his delusion and never has to really try to genuinely attempt to get better.

Quartz2208 · 04/09/2019 07:29

Please read some of the advice here OP and maybe seek support of your own.

A recovering alcoholic can go to a pub handling such situations (as a previous poster said as long as no drinking comments) and having a soft drink is a good thing. The fact he said no and then your reaction says a lot about how tightly managed this all is and that is not a good thing

thethoughtfox · 04/09/2019 07:33

I know it's easier to blame external forces but it's your husband's responsibility alone if he drinks. He also does not seem to be recovering at all. Do you have any support?

Apolloanddaphne · 04/09/2019 07:46

In this scenario of 4 people i would say your SIL is the least to blame for anything. Only your DH is responsible for his drinking. What he needs are good clear strategies to deal with people visiting and inviting him to the pub. Any people not just these relatives.

WooMaWang · 04/09/2019 07:49

It was your lack of trust that caused you to row. He will always be fragile and must be able to depend on his nearest and dearest.

I disagree with this. It isn’t fair to put all the responsibility on the OP’s shoulders. Her husband is an alcoholic; it’s his problem and his responsibility. As all the recovery support service make clear she did not cause it, she can’t control it and she can’t cure it.

All the above advice amounts to is: walk on eggshells and cultivate a really unhealthy codependency. That’s neither fair nor helpful.

Anyone should be able to discuss their partner’s drinking with them. This conversation turned into a row. The OP herself says: ‘The stress was caused because DH and I had a long talk which ended up in a row about his drinking. We had avoided such rows for many months prior to that and he was doing very well with regard to alcohol.’

That sounds very much like a situation where she has to take responsibility for not ‘upsetting’ her husband because he’ll drink. But, @Madeleine41, just as your SIL or BIL did not make him go on a 4 day bender, neither did your attempt to talk about the issue. It was just a convenient excuse for it. Indeed, the threat of such things seems to work well in keeping you quiet so he doesn’t have to have conversations about something that fundamentally affects your life.

Rock4please · 04/09/2019 07:50

I am sorry about your DH's alcoholism, but he needs to take responsibility for his recovery, maybe with assistance from AA.

I don't see why you would want to deny contact with his sister though.It sounds cruel and unnecessary. There must be more to it?

ReasonedCamper · 04/09/2019 07:50

You have no right to keep your DH apart from his sister.

How about supporting him if BIL makes an inappropriate suggestion about the pub, rather than starting a row or at least being part of a row when he has already declined the invitation ?

Joining Al-Anon for family does sound a good suggestion, you do need as much support to live with a recovering alcoholic as he does to recover.

WooMaWang · 04/09/2019 07:57

How about supporting him if BIL makes an inappropriate suggestion about the pub, rather than starting a row or at least being part of a row when he has already declined the invitation?

This really isn’t fair on the OP. The fact is that she lives with an alcoholic who cannot be trusted around drinking. She needs to be able to discuss things with him. It’s unlikely that she was just nagging him.

The fact that it turned into a row and then he decided to go on a 4 day bender suggests that he was looking for a pretext. And the fact @Madeleine41 wanted to have a discussion about the situation was a handy one.

It’s not about anyone being ‘unsupportive’ or whatever else the husband might like to tell himself and everyone else. The idea that he drinks because other people don’t support him or whatever is very unhelpful to everyone.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 04/09/2019 08:01

Wow. YABVVVU to blame your SIL for this! It’s not her fault! Yeah her husband was insensitive but you’re totally overreacting and being really unkind to try to keep your husbands sister away from him for something which literally isn’t her fault at all. I feel really sorry for her. Your husband isn’t your property and you can’t blame ANYONE else that the two of you had an argument that led to him drinking again.

KitKat1985 · 04/09/2019 08:04

Whilst I get the suggestion to go to the pub wasn't smart and was clearly a bad idea, I suspect your BIL and SIL just don't know a lot about alcoholism and triggers, and your DH could have just politely declined. There was no need for all the drama. He needs to take responsibility for his decision to go on a drinking bender. That decision was his alone, and he'll never fully recover from alcoholism unless he takes responsibility for his own behaviour.

Templetonstunafish · 04/09/2019 08:05

Surely you blaming them for your and DHs row and the subsequent drinking is what has lead to NC. Unless there's a huge dripfeed coming I do not see how suggesting the pub can lead to NC! Plenty of alcoholics go to the pub for soft drinks. You said yourself that your DH can do that? I think you have caused the row tbh because you don't like SIL and have used the extra stress of the alcoholism to force her out of your husband's life.

LagunaBubbles · 04/09/2019 08:12

BIL had not made the suggestion, our argument would not have happened

Oh please.

LetsSplashMummy · 04/09/2019 08:13

Do they know you are NC, could it be that from their perspective they visited, you had a huge fight when they were there, DH went on a bender - it was horribly awkward and they left early and gave you some space.

Your SIL could quite easily use your logic and think you shouting at her vulnerable brother drove him to drink. The fact she has just stepped back instead of trying to interfere, shows more tact than you suggest. She was probably surprised by the bender.

They are probably just testing the water, not realising that you hold them responsible (it makes so little sense that you would do). You should just get DH to sort it out, lay down the boundaries that help him and not try and control or stop the visit.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/09/2019 08:17

YA(both) BU to blame SIL and BIL for your DH's lapse. He knows he can't drink but he chose to. You both need more support if he is going to beat this.

It sounds like she's trying to mend fences. Be a grown up and speak to her, ask her not to come if you think it will set your DH back. But be very clear, he's the one who needs to apologise, not her.

Biancadelrioisback · 04/09/2019 08:19

First rule of recovery is you can't blame other people for your addiction or relapses.

DrVonPatak · 04/09/2019 08:21
  1. Your DH IS an alcoholic. He may be trying, but having that sort of a reaction 16 MONTHS in means he's still an active alcoholic and a 4 day bender only underlines that, because alcohol is still his go to response to any stress.
  2. Your reaction - assigning blame to the wrong places - it supports that.
  3. Please do contact AA and seek some professional help, and I say this in the kindest way possible. You are getting nowhere right now.
CarolineKate · 04/09/2019 08:21

Either I'm having serious de ja vu or I've read this before. Did you write a post when the original incident happened? Either on here or on another forum such as netmums? Just curious.

In response to your post. If your SIL is planning to visit then you need to open up communication with her. Don't blame her for anything. Just give some parameters for the visit. I think the grudge has been held for long enough and they can have a positive relationship if his choices are respected and he is not put in difficult situations of being invited to the pub.

ImNotYourGranny · 04/09/2019 08:25

YABU

I've been in your situation and I know how difficult it is, and I know how easy it is to blame other people for your husbands drinking. But it's not their fault. They are not responsible for your husband's drinking anymore than you are. You husband is 100% at fault. So put the blame where it should be, entirely on him.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 04/09/2019 08:30

I agree with others, it’s very common for alcoholics to go to pubs and drink soft drinks. I don’t see at all how any blame is attached to your SIL and BIL for your husband’s abuse of alcohol. It isn’t like she bottle him a bottle of whisky and encouraged him to drink it.

She probably thinks you should apologise.

WooMaWang · 04/09/2019 08:31

you can’t blame ANYONE else that the two of you had an argument that led to him drinking again

No she can’t.

But it wasn’t the fight either.

If it hadn’t been the fight (and he may have engineered the fight as a pretext), there’d have been something else that ‘caused’ him to drink.

But it’s not a rational cause and effect thing. He’s an alcoholic. The ‘causes’ are often engineered or retrofitted to explain or justify the drinking.

The SIL did not cause her brother to drink.
The BIL did not cause him to drink.
The OP did not cause him to drink.
The weather or the fact that it was a Tuesday or whatever else did not cause a 4 day bender.

Alcoholism is the alcoholic’s responsibility. And it is only within their control (hard as that may be). They can’t outsource responsibility to everyone around them and blame them for somehow not maintaining the perfect conditions for their recovery. Life is imperfect and addicts of all kinds need to take responsibility for ensuring they have coping strategies to deal with that.