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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How can I get SIL to stay away?

110 replies

Madeleine41 · 03/09/2019 23:40

DH is a recovering alcoholic. SIL knows this perfectly well. She is DH's sister and has always been very overbearing.

Last year his she and her husband came to stay in our village for a week, in a rented flat.

On the fifth day of their visit, BIL asked DH to go to the pub with him. I was not invited and SIL apparently didn't want to go.

I was very angry about this. Eventually DH didn't go, but because of the stress caused by the suggestion, he went on a four day bender.

SIL and BIL ended up going home a day early, after I had a terrible row with her. She told me that although she knew DH was an alcoholic, she thought that he would be able to have soft drinks at the pub.

Anyway - we haven't spoken since then. DH was very upset about the whole thing and has hardly drunk anything since. He has refused to speak to his sister as well and has blocked her on social media.

Yesterday SIL's son phoned and said that she and her DH were planning to come again, in a few weeks time.

I can't understand why she would want to do this, when none of us have spoken and she hasn't apologised for the chaos her DH caused last time they came.

AIBU for not wanting them to come again? I am terrified that even the thought of it will set DH back again.

OP posts:
TheRebelAlliance · 04/09/2019 00:30

but we got into an argument about why BIL invited him in the first place. Then he went on the bender.

So the argument with you sent him on a bender?

justheretostalk · 04/09/2019 00:34

Your DH chose to drink. No one made him. If he is in AA, he will tell you that himself. AA is all about personal responsibility.

Gingerkittykat · 04/09/2019 00:39

DH has not had a drink for sixteen months now, so I would say that he's a recovering alcoholic, not an active one as gobbynorthernbird is saying.

Except in your OP you said he has hardly drunk since, which doesn't mean he has been alcohol free.

He is the one who is 100% to blame for his drinking.

CoolCarrie · 04/09/2019 00:52

Ffs call her and ask why they want to visit if you and she don’t get on, don’t let your dh off the hook about his drinking. You have a real problem here if the pub is the only place you can visit.

phoenixrosehere · 04/09/2019 00:56

I agree it is on your husband to take responsibility for his drinking however it is pretty f-ing inconsiderate to invite a recovering alcoholic to a pub. It is still a temptation to anyone struggling whether it is a few months, few years, 5+. I rarely drink myself nor has it ever been tempting and I don’t go to pubs because that’s one of the main reasons people go in the first place. People aren’t popping into a pub to get a pint of soft drink nor will most people be drinking soft drinks in a pub. SIL’s reasoning is ridiculous.

The fact that SIL didn’t contact you directly about it gives you the means to ignore it. If she wants to visit, she needs to be an adult and talk to you or your dh about it.

HelenUrth · 04/09/2019 01:11

OP, I can understand you being upset that your DH ended up drinking after it being suggested he go to the pub with BIL/SIL. They get to see the initial stages of him drinking again, and probably far from the worst of it, but you (& kids?) get to deal with the fallout.

The stress from thinking about this alone must be very difficult for you. It's not a bad suggestion to try Al-Anon. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who would say he should keep away from people who "would influence him to drink". But that didn't work.

When I look back now, I think he needed to change his attitude to alcohol completely, he saw it as something that "they" took away from him, but actually in his case he was using it to deal with emotional pain from a neglected childhood.

Coming to terms with being an alcoholic is about far more than avoiding the pub. Yes, at this stage he probably should avoid the pub, but on it's own that's not enough to help him develop a new life without alcohol.

When I think back to my childhood, I believe my father's siblings had no idea what he was like when drunk, having left his "friends" in the pub and arriving home to create utter havoc. If they truly had understood, they surely couldn't have encouraged him to drink.

It could be that your BIL and SIL don't actually have a true picture of what you have had to deal with, and that's something that's hard to get across to someone who doesn't witness it as closely as you do. The nature of alcoholism, for some reason it's something people keep as secret even amongst those who "know", it's just touched on, "Johnny's little problem, better keep away from temptation", but actually what people need to know is how you and your family are affected. Alcoholism, and abuse generally, thrive in secrecy.

It's shit, you didn't invite this into your life, but being open and upfront about it is your best bet in dealing with it. Minimising it, or, as in my family's case, sweeping it under the carpet, does not work. In fact it only stores up more future pain for too many people.

As others have said, it's your DH's choice if he drinks or not. But it is common sense not to go into an environment where he has spent time being comfortable with alcohol. Could your BIL/SIL come to you - I realise you may feel bridges have been burned, but is there a possibility of rebuilding?

Is your DH getting support such as in AA? If not, why not? This is not something to deal with by oneself. It makes the partner, you in this case, "responsible" for helping the alcoholic. You both need a wider support network. And honesty. Good luck.

Teddybear45 · 04/09/2019 01:18

Your DH is the alcoholic and solely responsible for his bender. You are enabling him by letting him blame other people for his addiction. He needs to take personal responsibility to stop

areukiddingme · 04/09/2019 01:24

Dam it, if only you were a full grow adult you could actually tell your SIL to say away. ...

JudgyPantsAndAMartyrBra · 04/09/2019 02:09

So bil asked your husband if he fancied the pub, your husband said no. I'm confused as to how that's caused a row between you and him and how it's bils fault?

Rows and disagreements are part of life, if he's gonna go on a bender because you've argued then that's his responsibility and not that of the thing/person that triggered the row.

It sounds like you've gotten offended and angry at him being asked, where's your husband wasn't and to him declining the invite to the pub was enough? Or did he actually want to go and that's what you were angry about? Were you angry because you thought bil would make him drink?

You can't cause, control or cure his alcoholism and as he's shown, he's capable of drinking and going on a bender without his bil and without being in a pub.

If he wants to spend time with his sister and his bil is it going to cause anger from you?

Coyoacan · 04/09/2019 02:24

Every alcoholic is different but I stopped drinking two years ago and the only situations I've avoided are Christmas celebrations, but I am able to be with friends when they are drinking. So I don't think it was necessarily unreasonable of your BIL to suggest the pub.

Blondebakingmumma · 04/09/2019 02:25

I’m really confused as to why SIL and BIL are getting blamed for your husband’s actions. BIL invited your husband to a pub and he declined. Perfectly fine.

You have used your BIL and SIL as a scape goat. It is in no way their fault. I’m sure many recovering alcoholics will socialize at restaurants, pubs, dinner parties where alcohol is consumed. It sounds like there aren’t many options where you live to go out to socialize, hence your BIL suggesting the pub.

Your DH is the only one responsible for his drink, not you, your SIL or BIL. I think you find it easier to lay blame somewhere else to keep the peace with your DH. It’s not fair to put this on SIL and BIL.

nettie434 · 04/09/2019 02:31

^I think it is selfish of the SIL and BIL to want to go to a pub if DH is
alcoholic.^

Agree with goldfinchfan. Also echo that you need a plan if they turn up.

Givemealittkewan · 04/09/2019 03:03

I'm with @Gingerkittykat. The words you are using to describe your husbands level or state of addition such as former or active are irrelevant and very unhelpful.

He is trying to stay sober and needs a support system around him that enables him to participate in social events and family gathering that will not jeopardise his sobriety. If your sil/bill cannot support that, then I'd be telling them to stay away.

Your husband is absolutely responsible for staying sober however a support system around him will absolutely contribute to his success or failure. You arguing with him about the invitation to the pub that he declined is an example of how that support system failed in this instance. I'd have been discussing (not arguing) how inappropriate the invitation was with the bil not my husband!

Staying sober is incredibly difficult and an ongoing battle - you don't just turn into a 'former' alcoholic one day who will never feel the desire to ever drink again. Has your husband got a sponsor or any support such as AA?

Givemealittkewan · 04/09/2019 03:04

Addiction not addition. 🤦🏻‍♀️

LiveInAHidingPlace · 04/09/2019 03:34

Nah not your SILs fault.

Your husband needs to keep controlling his drinking. He's going to encounter lots of people in his life who ask him to go to the pub and he needs the skills to say no and not then fall back into drinking.

I know it's tough but it's your husband's job to police himself, not anyone else's.

Rachelover40 · 04/09/2019 03:43

Madeleine, you say your row caused your husband to go on a bender. So I presume he didn't drink in the pub.

Alcoholics in rehab are taken to a pub so they can be around booze and drinkers without giving in to temptation. They cannot spend the rest of their lives avoiding social situations where people drink.

What does annoy them is people (who don't know), trying to persuade them to have a drink, "Come on, be sociable", sort of thing. I've known some alcoholics who told me that and they shouldn't have to explain themselves. Everyone should mind their own business about why someone doesn't imbibe. However that's nowt to do with your thread, was just something I thought of.

I can understand you being tense about husband going to the pub but you have to learn to trust him, Madeleine. It was your lack of trust that caused you to row. He will always be fragile and must be able to depend on his nearest and dearest.

This was not your sister in law's fault. Please make peace with her and your ol' man.

Good luck Flowers.

whywhywhy6 · 04/09/2019 04:01

Your husband is responsible for himself and his actions. Your SIL is not relevant to that.

But if you don’t want her to visit you, for any or no reason, tell her.

CJsGoldfish · 04/09/2019 04:29

It seems like you are deflecting away from your own blame. Are you normally a 'it's always someone elses fault' type of person?

I cannot see how your SIL is to blame. At all. Noone 'made' your DH go on a bender. If anything, the argument you were involved in probably contributed.
The stress was caused because DH and I had a long talk which ended up in a row about his drinking
This was after he had decided not to go?

I hope you apologise to your SIL

tolerable · 04/09/2019 04:35

your dh is an alchoholic(in recovery) he is also an adult.as such,responsible to make choices-good,bad or otherwise. You are an achoholics wife (on edge)you are an adult, but you are not responsible for,or in control of anyone else. You may certainly recognise triggers,temptations,etc..but even as n when you do..its not your call. you are enabiling his 4day bender by directing the blame to sil,bil...coming of drink can be a repeat event shit show.particularly cos more often than not your off your tits or on your arse when you do. sober decisions arent as cut and dried as that. 16months is brilliant.honestly,its fantastic. ..its the one time its dips that youve gotta watch for.and thats a hard place to be. x

AzraiL · 04/09/2019 04:47

If your SIL did not extend the invitation to go to the pub, and stayed home as she did not want to go, I'm failing to see how it became a situation where she became the one to blame and where you expect her to apologise. Can you please explain this OP?

rosedream · 04/09/2019 05:08

Let's go to the pub. No sorry I can't. Ok.

Or

Let's go to the pub. Ok.
You say remember you can't go. How about invite him round here instead.

How does either of these conversations end up NC with someone.

Why row about it.

ittakes2 · 04/09/2019 05:33

I'm sorry you are going through something so stressful and I get why you are angry about someone asking him to the pub - but maybe BIL just didn't understand how him asking your husband was going to affect him. People do go to the pub and only drink softdrinks, BUT if it was not the right timing for your husband, or will never be the right timing for your husband, a simple no rather than a full blown argument would have been better on his stress levels.
I am guessing that other people might have or will invite your husband to social situations - perhaps it might help if he has some language/sentences prepared he feels comfortable using to tell people he does not socialise where alcohol is involved.
My husband was a heavy smoker for 30 years and the week he gave up his best friend and brother were smoking around him. I was quite angry but my husband felt that he had to get used to other people smoking around him - that was his perspective and choice - it wouldn't have worked for me though.
I hope you are able to sort things. It might reduce your husband's stress if he makes peace with his sister.

Shoxfordian · 04/09/2019 05:54

Doesn't really seem like your bils fault here op.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/09/2019 06:19

This is very unusual logic. Is it?

A family member, knowing DH is alcoholic, doesn't think about offering to go to a pub... that is farcical, at best.

I am not saying anyone forcd DH to go on a 4-day bender and the argument about why BIL asked in the first place didn't need to happen, but it is staggering that so many posters think that asking an alcoholic to go the pub is OK!

After all the alcoholic can say no, can't they? No, erm, wait...

I sincerely hope that nobody here has to live with an alcoholic, recovering or not. It is excruciatingly stressful and all sorts of well meaning people make things harder by being just a little bit thoughtless and distracting the all to happy to be distracted alcoholic from their dry plan.

OP Your SIL and BIL will have had no idea that your DH couldn't walk into a pub an have a soft drink. They won't have given it a second thought, because they are not alcoholics. They haven't had to live with one, watch one, worry about one. They just won't have thought about it. The connection between pub and alochol would have got lost - see pps talking about it being a place to socialise.

Your best option is to talk to your SIL... you or your DH... and explain the issue clearly. Your DH can have no qualms about this, it is part of staying dry. SIL may not like you but surely she loves her brother enough to listen and take that all on board.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2019 06:27

I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Your bil suggested meeting up at the only place to meet in the village. He did this possibly so as not impose on you. Or maybe he wanted to offer your dh some support. Or or or.

You cannot assume their motives were sinister or in any way blame them for the row or bender your dh went on afterwards. If we followed the same logic, the Wright brothers would be responsible for the September 11th attacks on the world trade centre as they invented the first viable plane.

Your dh is solely responsible for his actions and I think you both have a lot of healing to do before you can see that they meant no harm. They even told you as much.

The reason they want to come again is because they love you and want the best for you. Maybe they don’t always go about it the right way and you say your sil is tricky.