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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How can I get SIL to stay away?

110 replies

Madeleine41 · 03/09/2019 23:40

DH is a recovering alcoholic. SIL knows this perfectly well. She is DH's sister and has always been very overbearing.

Last year his she and her husband came to stay in our village for a week, in a rented flat.

On the fifth day of their visit, BIL asked DH to go to the pub with him. I was not invited and SIL apparently didn't want to go.

I was very angry about this. Eventually DH didn't go, but because of the stress caused by the suggestion, he went on a four day bender.

SIL and BIL ended up going home a day early, after I had a terrible row with her. She told me that although she knew DH was an alcoholic, she thought that he would be able to have soft drinks at the pub.

Anyway - we haven't spoken since then. DH was very upset about the whole thing and has hardly drunk anything since. He has refused to speak to his sister as well and has blocked her on social media.

Yesterday SIL's son phoned and said that she and her DH were planning to come again, in a few weeks time.

I can't understand why she would want to do this, when none of us have spoken and she hasn't apologised for the chaos her DH caused last time they came.

AIBU for not wanting them to come again? I am terrified that even the thought of it will set DH back again.

OP posts:

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/09/2019 08:39

But by your logic you are as much to blame as BIL and SIL. You had the row which "caused" the bender.

It's nonsense. Your DH chose to drink. If he hasn't drunk for 16 months and now he has drunk solidly for 4 days he needs to talk to someone now.

Samosaurus · 04/09/2019 08:44

@CuriousaboutSamphire I think you’ve misread my post. I meant that it is very unusual logic to blame the BiL for an argument he wasn’t actually involved in, rather than accepting that the four day bender may have been the result of the discussions between the OP and her husband.

Saddler · 04/09/2019 08:47

Presumably they'll arrive, do what they're doing knock on your door at some point you'll tell them to clear off and they'll be it

Bibidy · 04/09/2019 08:47

I understand why you're annoyed - it was totally inconsiderate and wrong of BIL to invite your DH to the pub knowing he's a recovering alcoholic.

That said, your OH did really well in saying no straight away and that probably should have been your focus. You would have been far better off congratulating and supporting your DH for making the right decision and then tackling it separately with BIL (and SIL if you feel necessary).

SayWhatNowYall · 04/09/2019 08:50

You both need to go to AA.

You cannot blame others for the fact you had an argument, and that your husband went on a bender, for four days!

Someone who had their alcoholism under control and understood their triggers would be able to say “sorry mate, I can’t be in a pub these days, but please come round here instead”.

You are making excuses for him, and by blaming others your letting him off the responsibility for addressing his own drinking.

If I was the SIL I’d be coming to stage an intervention to try and help my brother get some proper addiction support.

Dementornator · 04/09/2019 08:58

I think the fault lies with you more than your sil. They may have extended an invite but your dh declined. Then you got involved, for no reason at all, and started an argument with your dh. He went on a bender. His choice but if you’re going to point the finger at anyone, point it at yourself. You didn’t need to argue with him. You could have just left it alone.

Also, you have no right to stop your sil visiting your dh if that’s what they both want.

dollydaydream114 · 04/09/2019 09:01

If BIL had not made the suggestion, our argument would not have happened.

So why have you made SIL alone the subject of this thread, not BIL, who was the one who invited him? You said SIL wasn’t even going.

Basically you have some weird issue with your SIL and you’ve decided to pin all your problems on her. Interesting that you say she is ‘domineering’ because that isn’t at all how it sounds to me.

You cannot manage your husband’s drink problem by watching his every move. He needs to be able to do that himself. You also cannot blame your row with your husband on someone else inviting him to the pub. You and your husband were in a situation and you both dealt with it badly. Take some personal responsibility instead of pinning it all on an easily turned-down invitation to have a soft drink in a pub.

BeenThereDone · 04/09/2019 09:04

I don't understand how him declining an invite to the pub caused you to have an argument. Surely you would have had his back and commended his strength rather than use it as a stick to beat him with.... Which resulted in a four day bender...

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 04/09/2019 09:06

The only person responsible for your alcoholic husband going on a 4 day drinking bender is him . He chooses this, and blaming other people for his actions won’t help him recover.

Weebitawks · 04/09/2019 09:08

Why did you argue with your DH if he'd already declined to go?

I feel very sorry for you BIL and SIL. Plenty of recovering alcoholics do go to pubs and have a soft drink.

And you say there's nowhere else to go in your village? So that was probably why the pub was suggested.

It sounds like he was invited to go to the pub, said no, and you caused a giant arguement for some reason?

The responsibility lies with you and your DH. You should apologise for your behaviour to SIL and BIL.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/09/2019 09:12

Addicts can be quite manipulative. I suspect that the invitation made the DH want to drink, but he knew he shouldn't go to the pub. He then engineered an argument so it could be someone else's fault that he "had" to drink for four solid days.
My late BIL was like this, there was always a reason why it wasn't his fault. He died from an alcohol-related disease.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/09/2019 09:17

I think unless you've had first hand experience of alcoholism it's difficult
To understand.

Your bil and sil might have thought it would be ok and he could cope with the pub. A bit like an ex smoker being in a beer garden with other smokers. Sounds like you've both been unduly hard on them. Sounds like they are also extending an olive branch to you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/09/2019 09:32

I agree with others, it’s very common for alcoholics to go to pubs and drink soft drinks. Yes, once they are ready, usually after quite a prolonged period of time, when they have more self control.

If OPs DH is just now 16 months dry and this happened last year then there is little chance he was ready for that! I know I wouldn't have suggested that to MIL or FIL when they were trying, or BIL these days.

It's no good blaming anyone other than him, the alcoholic. OP may need to learn to distance herself, being codependent is an awful life to live!

B3ck89 · 04/09/2019 09:36

It was silly of them to suggest a pub when your DH is an alcoholic, but to blame them for his 4 day bender? That’s absolutely rediculous.
The only one at fault is your husband for disappearing for 4 days getting drunk, and then blaming other people for it.
If he does that at the suggestion of a pub then I can see there will be many more relapses in the future

Anniegetyourgun · 04/09/2019 09:42

If they're extending an olive branch though, why didn't they say something? OP heard it second hand from their son. There are also a lot of assumptions being made on both sides about the extent to which SIL and BIL knew about, or believed in, the alcoholism. It can often run in families.

A scenario that seems quite likely to me is that, BIL having made the suggestion, DH turned it down as he knew he should; but it set up the picture in his brain of being at the pub and that there was alcohol and no wives to stop him, so that when OP made some remark about it he was already half inclined to make an argument out of it so he could flounce off and do what he would have liked to do all along. Mind you I don't have direct experience of alcoholism, but I do have experience of people who manufacture a row from thin air so they can go "well I'm going to go and do x then, so there". This is what OP is blaming the in-laws for, whether fairly or not. It does not, of course, exonerate the husband for doing the actual drinking bit. But they clearly didn't help, and maybe they know that, and maybe they don't.

Pollypenguin01 · 04/09/2019 09:44

I would suggest some counselling/AL-anon meetings for yourself.
You are viewing your DH alcoholism in completely the wrong way and blaming people that are wholly not responsible for his relapse.

If you had some specialist therapy about how to cope in an alcoholic relationship then you would be better equipped to put the blame/responsibility squarely where it deserves to be.

You cannot blame your SIL or BIL for your DH’s issues.

Your DH is clearly using his SIL as a scapegoat for his binge. You see it’s easier for an Alcoholic to live with their conscience when it’s someone else’s fault.

Drum2018 · 04/09/2019 09:52

If BIL had not made the suggestion, our argument would not have happened

If BIL had not been born your argument would not have happened
If BIL had not married your SIL your argument would not have happened
If BIL and SIL had gone on holiday to Timbuktu instead of your village your argument would not have happened

However, your Dh would still be an alcoholic and would still have made some excuse to go on a 4 day bender. You are placing the blame at the wrong door - look more closely to home! Your Dh has to take responsibility for his addiction. If he is not getting professional help to assist his recovery then that's where he should start. And you need to stop blaming other people. It will do your Dh no favours if you make ridiculous excuses for his drinking.

Livingoncake · 04/09/2019 09:55

Stop infantilising your husband by blaming others for a choice he made. That’s not going to help him.

MeggyMeg · 04/09/2019 10:00

Your husband can't blame others for his decision to go on a 4 day bender.

makingmammaries · 04/09/2019 10:47

A lot of alcoholic-blaming going on here. I can see how the 4-day bender happened. It’s an illness. You don’t invite an alcoholic, recovering or not, to the pub and the SIL should stay away if she cannot behave more considerately.

Weezol · 04/09/2019 10:53

Your dh chose to become an alcoholic.

No he didn't. Nobody chooses to become an addict.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/09/2019 11:16

A lot of alcoholic-blaming going on here. Yes. As it is only ever the alcoholic who can gain any control over their drinking.

Nobody else was to blame, the cause, for him to go off on a 4 day bender. His alcoholism was. Nobody should every be asked to shoulder any responsibility for what an alcolohic does. It only hurts the person trying to help and extends the time that the alcoholic can blame their predicament on someone else, some external agency!

Many of the repsonders here are people who have lived with alcoholics or who are themselves in recovery.

makingmammaries · 04/09/2019 11:31

“Nobody should every be asked to shoulder any responsibility for what an alcolohic does. It only hurts the person trying to help and extends the time that the alcoholic can blame their predicament on someone else, some external agency!“

Oh, nonsense. Waving drink under his nose is unnecessarily cruel and the consequences are predictable.

MeggyMeg · 04/09/2019 14:24

Its funny how other addictions are not referred to as an 'illness'. Why is that?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/09/2019 14:36

Oh, nonsense. Waving drink under his nose is unnecessarily cruel and the consequences are predictable. I did say that in my first post on this thread! I was, at that time, the only poster saying that!

But, in the end, it is the alcoholics choice to drink or not to drink... rock bottom is hard and hurts, not all get there in time, or are succcesful when they do get there.

Meggy I must have missed the poster that said it was.

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