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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:

JudgeJudyismyinspiration · 02/09/2019 08:39

Your kids won't care how many children are missing from the other side, they won't even know them. They will simply see the six family members that were graced with the golden invite, and feel excluded.

No, I would not consider going. I wouldn't mention the wedding again to my children and talk about the holiday instead.

thebakerwithboobs · 02/09/2019 08:39

our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off

This might be unfortunate wording but it makes them you sound really entitled. It's not their wedding, it's not your wedding. If the B and G want everyone to wear purple and stand one one leg that's their prerogative and guests, being preinformed of this can then decide if they want to attend. Ok, stupid example but the principle is the same. They don't want children there so just make your decision based on that, no hand wringing required.

'Dear B and G, thank you so much for the invitation, we hope you have a fabulous day together. We aren't able to arrange childcare but please accept the enclosed small gift as a token of our happiness for you. From me.'

Saddler · 02/09/2019 08:40

The bride and groom don't want them there that's up to them (I didn't for my wedding). It's also up to you whether you go

JudgeJudyismyinspiration · 02/09/2019 08:45

I would support the more honest approach too.

Thank you for the invite, we hope you have the most lovely wedding day. Due to distance and childcare we won't be able to attend, but we will be thinking of you on your special day. Please accept our gift to you and love. Best wishes xxx

You don't need to be upset about this op, they did invite you, but not in a way that makes it easy for you to accept. It is JUST a wedding. It will come and go, and everyone will forget about it. No drama, no family flare up. Make alternative arrangements and move on to more important things.

JeanieJardine55 · 02/09/2019 08:46

YANBU to feel upset that your children are the only ones not invited. Just decline the invitation telling them that it’s difficult to arrange child care for the length of time you would need to be away. Send a nice card and gift. Let your Dh know that you’re staying at home with the children but that he’s welcome to go if he wants.

Alternatively, make it a holiday, take the children, dh can go to the wedding for the day and you and the children can do something else in the area.

SunshineCake · 02/09/2019 08:49

We have had this situation. Wedding 1 - no children invited at all as not a suitable place. None of us went, we went on holiday instead.
Wedding 2 - kids not invited, school day. None of us went.
Wedding 3 - all invited, non school day, possibly can't go as pet commitments.

In all cases we gave money.

Other options are for dh to go as it is his side.

JeanieJardine55 · 02/09/2019 08:49

JudgeJudy’s response is perfect.

NoSauce · 02/09/2019 08:49

If I wanted a break and had someone to look after the dc I would go. I wouldn’t take offence because they weren’t invited even though I might be a bit surprised they were the only children not to be.

NataliaOsipova · 02/09/2019 08:50

Perfect.

Totopoly · 02/09/2019 08:52

Slightly off the point, but I think anyone is BU who expects someone to drive 6-7 hours to their wedding.

My DC are older now (old enough to be invited to the wedding you describe), but I wouldn't have left them for 2-3 days when they were younger (didn't have anyone I could have reasonably left them with for that long, even if I had wanted to). It wouldn't have been about my DC's expectations; it would have been about what was feasible or not. Plus if I had ever contemplated leaving them for that long, it would have to have been for something a whole lot more important than a wedding.

I'd politely decline - just along the lines of 'sorry we can't make it, but hope you have a lovely day'. Then send a decent present.

HeadintheiClouds · 02/09/2019 08:53

view children as things that can be put on a shelf!. You’re coming across as quite deranged now, op. People do things without their kids all the time, it’s actually perfectly normal.
If you can’t bear to be parted from yours ever, that’s fine for you.
But it’s not the way most people live their lives, and sounds quite stifling. For them, as well as you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2019 08:53

Thank you for the invite, we hope you have the most lovely wedding day. Due to distance and childcare we won’t be able to attend, but we will be thinking of you on your special day. Please accept our gift to you and love. Best wishes xxx

That’s a lovely message. Perfect imo.

I also wouldn’t attend op. Dd is a couple of years younger and would also be gutted.

HeadintheiClouds · 02/09/2019 08:57

Oh... I’ve just caught up and read that your DH would rather die than go alone. There are no words 🙄🙄🙄

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 02/09/2019 08:58

I’ve been to LOTS of weddings and only one was child free. The child free wedding was very local so I went alone to the ceremony and first part of the reception while DH stayed home with DCs and then I came home and he went to the evening party. B & G did seem to have trouble understanding why we didn’t just hire a stranger to look after them but it wasn't something we’d have been happy doing. (No grandparents)

Funnily enough that couple are now parents themselves and are quite rude about any events that are child free as their PFB MUST go everywhere with them despite having all four grandparents living very nearby and happy to babysit (which does get used for the couple to go away for romantic weekends).

Not all events are suitable for under 18s but IMO a wedding is a family occasion and I loved having little ones at mine.

Bloomburger · 02/09/2019 08:58

It does sound like you're talking about toddlers rather than older children.

Do you go out of your way to shield them from any sort of disappointment in their life or do you think they wouldn't understand that it isn't personal but just one of those things?

AdrenalinBrush · 02/09/2019 08:59

OP, honestly it is not a big drama. They know inviting you means the inconvenience of finding child care. You don't need to overthink it. Just decline.

"Thanks for the invite but I won't be able to find childcare for the 3 days so will have to decline. We hope you have a wonderful day".

End of.

Tooner · 02/09/2019 09:00

I wonder what would have happened if one of your kids had reached the 'approved wedding invitation age of 16' and one was say 14. Would they have left out the 14 year old

I don't think you are BU. Your kids were included in the engagement celebrations and by the sounds of it are quite close to the other cousins. Of course they will feel upset if not invited. They may see on social media other cousins talking about the wedding and showing off photos.

I would politely decline.

reginafelangee · 02/09/2019 09:00

If it's a family wedding and your are close YANBU

Otherwise it's fair enough

NataliaOsipova · 02/09/2019 09:01

Oh... I’ve just caught up and read that your DH would rather die than go alone. There are no words 🙄🙄🙄

It’s a figure of speech....! My DH would be the same; hates weddings (and any form of mass socialising with random people), but would go along as a family and make a day out/weekend away of it. But he’d find it utterly gruesome and tedious to sit through alone and would make any excuse not to go.

Purplejay · 02/09/2019 09:06

It’s fine for them not to invite children and equally fine for you to decline on the basis that you don’t want to leave your children. It would be different if it were local and just for a few hours. They may not have realised you are the only family with kids who are not invited, although presumably you are not that close or they would have a ‘role’. Perhaps they are inviting quite a few friends who have children and are treating everyone the same.

practicallyperfectwithprosecco · 02/09/2019 09:07

I wonder what would have happened if one of your kids had reached the 'approved wedding invitation age of 16' and one was say 14. Would they have left out the 14 year old

Has happened with us - last wedding invite none of children invited as all under 16

Next wedding we will have a 16 14 and 7 year old - 16 year old is invited other 2 not.

Family is on my side so a cousin of 16 year old and 7 year old. DD14 is my step daughter so not related to the couple.

Fortunately she isn't bothered and happy to go to her mum and DS thinks weddings are boring.

DH is staying at home with him as no other childcare and me and DD16 will attend wedding.

CarolineKate · 02/09/2019 09:08

I didn't have children at my wedding. Purely because everyone we invited had 2-3 children. And we had a number of 70 allowed. We couldn't possibly include children and have the adults we want there.

We understood that this meant some people wouldn't come. And we were fine with that.

So I don't think you're unreasonable to not want to go to the wedding. The couple probably realise some will turn it down for this reason.

Propertyfaux · 02/09/2019 09:19

In my thirty adult years of going to weddings, it has been the last ten years I have seen close families and friends fall out over invites. Most have not been about getting the invite but the cut off system. The 3 out of 4 friends, the children of a certain age, in this case the 6 out of 8 children. It is usually the knock on effect with other family/friends that escalates the rifts. I know in my family if my niece could go back in time she would not of chosen four out of her five cousins especially as two were siblings and still children and she chose one.

toomuchtooold · 02/09/2019 09:26

YANBU. Childfree weddings (not that this is actually a childfree wedding) are absolutely fine, people should get married how they want. But the same freedom should also apply to guests. It's supposed to be a party, it's supposed to be fun, is it not?

Lumene · 02/09/2019 09:28

Don’t go if you don’t want to but don’t moan about what they want to do for their wedding. The day is about them not you or your children.

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