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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 02/09/2019 07:57

What is your H’s relationship with the couple anyway?

If it’s his sibling then my view would change.

If a cousin, then unless he/you are particularly close to his cousin, YABU.

rosedream · 02/09/2019 07:59

It's a small wedding and they invited you. That means they see you as people who are close to and significant in their lives. That's a lovely compliment.
If they invited every child then perhaps the wedding would become top heavy with them.
That would change the atmosphere they may want to create.
If it's a small wedding then inviting all the children would make it significantly bigger.
The venue may not be able to take the extra number. This may have been a way to invite all the adults they want there. If your children were invited 2/3 adults wouldn't have been.

misspiggy19 · 02/09/2019 08:00

travellersglitch

Child free weddings are great! Everyone can relax and have a good time!

I disagree. Most parents leave early to get back to their kids or spending half the day checking up on them. I love kids at a wedding and think childfree weddings are a bit soulless.

SellFridges · 02/09/2019 08:02

Why on earth can’t DH go alone? I don’t understand how that’s not your default option once you realise you can’t get someone to look after the children (understandable). Instead you’re turning this into a personal snub. YABU.

PurpleDaisies · 02/09/2019 08:05

It’s hard when you don’t have kids to imagine how the kids feel I’m sure.

Hmm. Yes. People without children know nothing at all about them and are incapable of empathy.

Dollymixture22 · 02/09/2019 08:10

Loopytiles I believe this is a cousins wedding. Therefore I think OP is being precious.

I asked if the children in the wedding are nieces and nephews while her children are second cousins but haven’t got an answer. Could be the other children on her husband’s side attending are a baby and the flower girl. Which is totoally reasonable.

In my family children of cousins could never be invited - there are thirty!

it is perfectly acceptable to decline a wedding invitation to a founding wedding because you can’t be away from your children for three days. It is also perfectly acceptable for the bride and groom to not invite cousins children - but have tiny babies and flower girls.

Dollymixture22 · 02/09/2019 08:11

To a cousins wedding - not founding😂😂

Iminagony · 02/09/2019 08:12

Child free weddings are increasingly common but to have a family wedding and not invite family (your children) would not sit well with me either.

But then I never wanted my wedding to be all about me.

I wouldn't go if the children would have liked to go.

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 02/09/2019 08:17

I'd be perfectly happy for dh to go alone. It will be interesting to see if he comes up with this solution, at the moment he is in the decline camp. If it was my relative I would go just to be part of the family event if nothing else, I guess he isn't close enough to his family to have the same sense.

Actually we could get someone to look after the children, but it would be a big effort for that person.
The alternative is we take the children with is for the trip and then pay for child care on the wedding day. None of us would be happy or relaxed as it would be with a total stranger and it's just a bit odd taking your children all that way, they would see all the excitement getting ready etc for the wedding, and then be the only ones sitting it out. The more I think about it the more silly this plan is.

Thanks for all your replies, you are amazing.

OP posts:
PassMeAnotherCoffee · 02/09/2019 08:18

I would decline, and write a very polite letter saying the cost of childcare for three days 'has turned out to be eye-watering and unfortunately we jut can't stretch to it this year' or some other such (better worded) super-polite guff. It's better they know it's a financial decision and not because you don't like them!

I've had to pay for overnight childcare for weddings and it was very painful. The going rate for a 24 hour overnight nanny in my area (nowhere near London) was £150 about five years ago!

stucknoue · 02/09/2019 08:19

I would politely decline the invite but clearly state the reason- that you do not want to attend without your children. Couples are free to choose childfree but need to expect people to think that it's pretty unreasonable to demand parents pay for sitters especially out of town weddings.

TamarindCove · 02/09/2019 08:21

We didn't have cousin's children at our wedding. Whilst on my DH side there are only 3, on my side there are 21! The result was a bit similar to the situation OP is describing, but we had to have a cut off somewhere and we didn't want to treat the two sides of the family differently.

Goodlookingcreature · 02/09/2019 08:22

If it was my relative I would go just to be part of the family event if nothing else, I guess he isn't close enough to his family to have the same sense.

Hmm. So, he’s not close enough to his family to attend; but still thinks his children should be invited to the couples small wedding?

mossmurray · 02/09/2019 08:26

YANBU to decline the invite, the same as the bride and groom are NBU to invite who they want to the wedding.

Just politely decline and maybe use this as an example of how to teach your DC's they can't be involved in everything as this is the B&G's day

JudgeJudyismyinspiration · 02/09/2019 08:28

It is very poor form to only invite six children and leave two children out. It looks as if they have configured in such a way to entirely suit them.

There is no way I would leave my children for two nights and three days, so it would be a non starter for us.

Taking your children there, and allowing them to watch you and everyone else (including other children of the family) get dressed up, excited and go to the celebrations is cruel, there is no way I would entertain the idea.

Your priority is not to make the B&G happy at the expense of your children, and it seems very insensitive of them to organise it this way.

Decline graciously, and go on a super family holiday! Team holiday here.

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 02/09/2019 08:29

Someone asked a question about numbers, I thought I answered it upthread but if not; There are 8 children on our side of the family. 6 are invited. two are nieces who are in the wedding party. 4 are the same distance relation as my two who are not invited. The others are invited because they are Tots or 16+
I dont think it really makes much difference whether they are going or not, as I said it's the b and g who have their reasons and it's their event.

It's still too long and too far away to work for us. If it was a day it wouldn't be such a big deal but away for a few days is just too much, too complicated and too expensive, that's more what is getting to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FunkySnidge · 02/09/2019 08:32

Finally some understanding from another poster about how this arrangement would come across to the kids! I'm amazed at how many seem to view children as things that can be put on a shelf!

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 02/09/2019 08:32

I suppose the best way to look at it the bride and groom will have four sets of cousins to manage. It might sting when you look at in in your quarter, but this rule could remove quite a lot of children from the guest list.

SoupDragon · 02/09/2019 08:33

You mention being "stroppy". You can decline without being stroppy and, given all the issues (time, distance, sitters, cost) I would politely decline without making any kind of comments about the children not being invited.

AmIThough · 02/09/2019 08:33

I think it's bullshit that people pick and choose which children are allowed.
Either invite them all or none at all.

YANBU.

SoupDragon · 02/09/2019 08:34

I would hazard a guess that there are lots of excluded children on the other side of the family and they've not noticed how it looks on your side.

Roozy123 · 02/09/2019 08:36

My wedding day I done the same.

At the time I didn't have any kids and didn't want them running around or screaming and crying.. like some kids can do so I only had 3 kids in my wedding and anyone else's Wernt invited.

I had some trouble from my sister regarding her step children but that was it really. Everyone invited I would say 90% or more had kids so would have been extra food, chairs, probably entertainment for them not to be bored!! More noise in the church... I loved my wedding day and the fact it was all adults.

Each to their own when it comes to their day I think you should just leave this one down to your DH maybe?
Your kids aren't always going to be invited everywhere I understand they're upset they can't go but if it were me I would.explain to my kids that some people don't have kids as guests and that's that. Just life.

Goodlookingcreature · 02/09/2019 08:36

I think it's bullshit that people pick and choose which children are allowed.
Either invite them all or none at all.

Perish the thought people pick and choose who they want at their own wedding that they’ll spend years saving for.

Spotsandstars · 02/09/2019 08:37

It is the bride and grooms decision buuuut it's not really a child free wedding is it? I mean if they have flower girls etc then they will still bring a child element to the whole proceedings?
I think just decline, if asked be truthful but not stroppy.

NataliaOsipova · 02/09/2019 08:38

Just rsvp that you won’t be attending. You don’t need to explain otherwise. I agree it’s there choice not to invite your children, it’s also your choice whether to attend or not. It doesn’t need to be a major drama though

This. A nice, breezy reply: “So sorry but we aren’t able to attend - wishing you a lovely day and a lifetime of happiness” (or something equally trite). Send a card and small gift on the day.

If anyone asks why? Be honest. You would find it tricky to come because of the kids and didn’t feel it was okay just to leave them elsewhere for that occasion. But no drama.