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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 04/09/2019 15:44

Completely irrelevant whether the bride and groom have kids or not. Inviting their own kids doesn’t mean they want yours too, why should it?

Roozy123 · 04/09/2019 15:49

@44HeadintheiClouds
I agree. When I got married I had no kids and didn't have children as guests.
Now I have kids if I were to get married again I would do the same thing!!! Everyone I know has kids so there would be more kids than adults!!! No thank you. Lol.

DecomposingComposers · 04/09/2019 16:07

We had children at our wedding including a 2 year old bridesmaid, our 2 year old godson and 6 week old goddaughter. Without exception, all of the children were delightful. The vicar raised an eyebrow when he found out the age of the bridesmaid and of some of the young guests but we made it very clear that we wanted them there, that we expected them to be welcomed at church and to be included and I made it very clear to their parents that we didn't mind noise or them wandering around because we wanted them there. As it happens the children came to the front of the church and sat quietly during the ceremony. Our bridesmaid was delightful and our godson was so funny during the speeches that the best man called him up to help. That to me is what a wedding should be.

HeadintheiClouds · 04/09/2019 16:12

Yes, more kids than adults would absolutely be a thing, wouldn’t it? Even if everyone had two kids each, it’d still swell the numbers by 100%. Who wants to double the cost of their reception by inviting a load of kids to run around screaming?

LaurieMarlow · 04/09/2019 16:13

That to me is what a wedding should be.

Yes, to you. Others will have a different view.

Cath2907 · 04/09/2019 16:16

I wouldn't go to a family wedding without DD, but then my family wouldn't organise a wedding without kids! My sister got married recently and there were plenty of kids (including my 8 yr old DD). Personally I think they make the day and it is about the bride and groom but also about love and family and connection. Saying that you want me to be part of the family celebration of your love and commitment to your new spouse but you don't want my kid seems a bit odd.

If it was a friends wedding then I'd be far less bothered about not taking DD and might go if it wasn't too inconvenient to find a sitter.

If I were you I'd just politely decline. If anyone asked I'd say that it was too difficult to find 2 days childcare in the middle of school holidays.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 04/09/2019 16:17

When my friends got married last year they wanted a child free wedding apart from those in the wedding party. One guest turned up with a virtually non stop screaming baby that disrupted the start of the vows. She moved to the door and hovered there rather than miss anything. Another guest turned up with a toddler and didn't supervise him - They were only invited to the evening party but turned up at the church anyway.

I would like to have children attend my wedding but how do you exclude those with inconsiderate parents?

pumkinspicetime · 04/09/2019 16:21

Anyone can turn up a church. It is rather the point of them.

HeadintheiClouds · 04/09/2019 16:22

Nice that the kids behaved so well at your wedding, Decomposing.
You must understand though that the noise of them wandering around during the ceremony (or to be honest, even wandering around at all, it’s a wedding service, not a village fete) would absolutely be annoying for some couples, and it’s totally understandable why.
It’s very few people’s vision of what a wedding should be, actually.
I imagine your own kids would be free range at everybody else’s? Whether the couple wanted it or not?

Untamedtoad · 04/09/2019 16:23

Yanbu. Just decline and forget about it, sounds like the ultimate faff. Unless dh is dead keen to attend, in which case he can always go alone. Getting a babysitter/house sitter/pet sitter etc and being away for 2 nights for the sake of a wedding where the bride and groom don't see a problem with not inviting your children (who are relatives) isn't worth it imo. Weddings brig out the absolute worst in some people. They should be family events, with family relations (adults and children) all made to feel welcome. I would decline, and I would absolutely tell them the reason why. I'd say DC would have been upset being left behind, and knowing cousin x y and z are all invited. Mention they've been looking forward to the wedding since the engagement party, so you're going to book a weekend away as a family instead. I also wouldn't get them a present, a card will suffice.

DecomposingComposers · 04/09/2019 16:23

You could have a random bunch of tourists, complete with screaming kids wander into the church to see you get married. Anyone is allowed into church during a wedding.

HeadintheiClouds · 04/09/2019 16:26

A celebration of their love and committment to their new spouse doesn’t need your kid at it, Cath! It’s not remotely odd.
God, another one Hmm

westcountrychicken · 04/09/2019 16:27

Sounds amazing, I'd love to be invited to a child free party!

HeadintheiClouds · 04/09/2019 16:30

Churches are indeed open to the public at large, but it would take a special sort of (Mumsnet? Wink) arsehole to crash a strangers wedding and let their toddler run riot?

You’re right, though, Decomposing, there’s literally no limit to the special days you could ruin, should you be nasty enough.

DecomposingComposers · 04/09/2019 16:31

I imagine your own kids would be free range at everybody else’s? Whether the couple wanted it or not?

No not at all. My children, when they were little, they are adults now, knew how to behave and absolutely did not wander around or make a noise either at weddings, in church or in restaurants, but then our family has never excluded children from anything. From babies they are included at every occasion and so have seen how to behave.

The children at our wedding are very special to us and I really wouldn't have been annoyed if they had made a noise. I loved that they came and sat on the floor in front of us so that they could see what was happening. The most important thing to us was getting married with our friends and family with us. It wasn't important that we had an Instagram wedding.

HeadintheiClouds · 04/09/2019 16:33

Fair enough. In a lot of cases, though, being included in everything from the get go doesn’t teach the kids a single thing about behaving well. More down to the parents, admittedly.

teachermam · 04/09/2019 16:35

Yabu

Just don't go it your that sensitive

I'd love the break from my kids

LaurieMarlow · 04/09/2019 16:35

it wasn't important that we had an Instagram wedding.

Good lord can we drop the moral superiority. Not wanting kids is much more likely to be about preferring the company of adults than being ‘all about the pictures’ Hmm

It doesn’t even make sense. Kids, while (imo) challenging wedding guests, look super cute in the pics.

billy1966 · 04/09/2019 16:46

@mumsoflittledragons
Perfect response.

I completely understand the OP saying her children would be upset to know all others are there. Of course they'll have to get over it and will but it's ok for them to be disappointed too.
Children at the 10-14 age group tend to really love weddings in my experience.
Mine lived them at that age.

I do think it's unfortunate that they are not invited but such is life.

I certainly wouldn't worry about declining for better use of resources and time.

Roozy123 · 04/09/2019 16:49

Everyone has their own opinion when it comes to their wedding day.

Some people don't want kids there or some kids for many,many reasons.
Some people want everyone's children there!
At the end of the day it's down to the B&G.

Theyve chosen what they've chosen and that's that. It's not down to the guests who is invited!?
The same as the people that would invite all the kids a guest telling them who they should and shouldn't invite!?

It's bizarre how guests seem to think it's about them and their kids and their plans..... No. It's about the b&g and you should be happy they're sharing their day with you... they don't have to?
The same as you have the choice not to go?
Go and have a good time or stay home with your kids and have a good time. Just don't moan about their choice.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 16:51

@Roozy123 Exactly! Round of applause for you

fandabbyfannyflutters · 04/09/2019 16:53

It makes me laugh the people who assert they won't attend any child free wedding. It's beyond petulant and more immature than any of the kids who've been banned

Roozy123 · 04/09/2019 16:57

@51AryaStarkWolf
I find it funny that the "oh I would invite every child I know" comments actually think every single guest was happy with all the kids there lol.

You can't make every one happy so the b&g have to just do what they want.
Otherwise could you imagine catering to every guests needs and wants. Eugh lol.

A88ie1 · 04/09/2019 16:58

No children in my wedding either.

my wedding... my rules..

AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 17:00

@Roozy123 exactly, my kids are older teens now but I know when they were younger the thoughts of bringing them would have been a bit of downer tbh, you can't relax and you're up and down off your seat following them around and mostly they don't even want to be there anyway. Maybe I just don't love my kids as much as some people :P

*I love my kids! I just also love a break sometimes!!

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