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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 04/09/2019 07:36

I think you’re focusing on them being the only kids not invited but your DC are probably more distant relatives than the ones that are? You also say ‘on that side’ so there are DC on the other side not invited too?

Is it relevant that children on the other side aren't invited though? I could understand that if no children from either side were invited but in this case only 2 children from this branch of the family aren't invited. That's unkind, irrespective of who else may not be invited.

If your whole family were invited somewhere but you weren't would you be comforted by the knowledge that some people from another family weren't invited? Surely the upset stems from everyone in your family were invited, bar you?

Equimum · 04/09/2019 07:37

If you don’t want to go without them, just politely decline. We were invited to a similar family wedding last year and did exactly that. Some relatives weren’t happy, but we literally didn’t have anyone who could have the children for two days and a night, and it was made clear that the bride didn’t want them staying at the wedding hotel (we considered getting a sitter to spend the afternoon in the room with the kids, then we would have taken turns during the evening).

Just be gracious, polite and send a gift.

Pinkcat231 · 04/09/2019 07:53

*Is it relevant that children on the other side aren't invited though? I could understand that if no children from either side were invited but in this case only 2 children from this branch of the family aren't invited. That's unkind, irrespective of who else may not be invited.

If your whole family were invited somewhere but you weren't would you be comforted by the knowledge that some people from another family weren't invited? Surely the upset stems from everyone in your family were invited, bar you?*

Of course it’s relevant, just because OPs side is small, what if the other side would have an extra 20 DC invited if this wasn’t the rule?

Look at it from the point of view of someone from that side of the family, would you really see OPs DC there and think ‘Oh that’s different to my DC not being invited even though they’re the same type of relation because they’re a smaller family’ or would you then be upset because that side of the family have been favoured over yours?

Yes, this happened to me as a child (party not wedding) and knowing the DC from the other side of that relatives family weren’t invited meant I wasn’t bothered!

DecomposingComposers · 04/09/2019 08:34

Of course it’s relevant, just because OPs side is small, what if the other side would have an extra 20 DC invited if this wasn’t the rule?

So you wouldn't wonder at all why every other child in your family had been invited but not yours? You wouldn't feel that, for some reason, you had been singled out?

If it is not personal then honestly I think the B&G should have had no children apart from those in the bridal party. Not this odd rule of babies, toddlers,bridal party and over 16s which conveniently mean the ops children are the only 2 excluded. I just think that is unkind and unnecessary.

Roozy123 · 04/09/2019 08:38

The other kids aren't guests.... They're IN THE WEDDING!!

The b&g haven't said oh invite every child BUT not them 2.
No, they're not inviting children as guests unless they're young babies or young adults.. unless IN the wedding.
Ops children are not in the wedding so they're not invited as guests.

As other pp have pointed out on the other side and between the b&g friends there could be 50 other children not invited because they're not in the wedding!
It's not personal toward just ops children fgs

Batcrazymum3 · 04/09/2019 09:17

@DecomposingComposers

To answer your point about an honest RSVP. If OP had tried to arrange childcare and cannot, then it is very fair for her to politely offer this as a reason that they cannot attend.
If op has not/will not because she disagrees with the way the B&G have arranged their guests list this should not be mentioned. It's just rude.

Everyone is so wrapped up in "they are there only ones not invited from this side" big bloody deal.

I have loads of children in my family and when they get together, they last thing the discuss is the last wedding we all attended! The children are distant relatives and do not fall into the invitation parameters.

For anyone who has said to contact them and ask them if they realise/will change their minds. You are all batsh*t crazy and need to re-think your approach to life!

DecomposingComposers · 04/09/2019 11:01

No, they're not inviting children as guests unless they're young babies or young adults.. unless IN the wedding.

The op said the older teens are guests, they aren't in the wedding. It's the younger children who are in the wedding.

DecomposingComposers · 04/09/2019 11:07

@Batcrazymum3

I think if it's fine for B&G to pick and choose who they invite then it's equally ok for those not invited to be upset by it and to choose to reconsider the relationship going forward. You really can't expect to do exactly what you want and compel others to be happy about it.

If this happened to me I would certainly change how I felt about the B&G and would treat them as distant relatives rather than close family as that is clearly how they view the relationship.

Roozy123 · 04/09/2019 12:58

@DecomposingComposers

No, they're not inviting children as guests unless they're young babies or young adults.. unless IN the wedding.

The op said the older teens are guests, they aren't in the wedding. It's the younger children who are in the wedding.

Exactly my point then Hmm
They're not inviting any children unless young babies or young adults or unless theyre IN the wedding?
These 2 children's are none of these so are not invited.
Not the end of the world. Kids of certain ages aren't invited to lots of things- it's life.

lilypoppet · 04/09/2019 13:46

A toddler screamed as my daughter was walking down the aisle, so as far as I am concerned YABU. Either get sitters or don't go. It is the couples' day and they will have spent a lot of money.

HeadintheiClouds · 04/09/2019 14:18

Op has still not revealed how she knows the ins and outs of the guest list of her DH’s cousins’ wedding. Some heavy sleuthing done there, or else some major assumptions being made.
The cousins oh (bride?) has surely not announced details of her full family tree, to op or anyone else.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 14:44

Is it relevant that children on the other side aren't invited though? I could understand that if no children from either side were invited but in this case only 2 children from this branch of the family aren't invited. That's unkind, irrespective of who else may not be invited.

It depends, if all the other children are the bride and grooms nieces and nephews but the OPs children are 2nd cousins (or whatever cousins children are) then no, it's not unkind especially if no cousins children are invited on the other side either

DecomposingComposers · 04/09/2019 14:48

They're not inviting any children unless young babies or young adults or unless theyre IN the wedding?

Sorry, but to me those rules seem to have been made up specifically to exclude only certain people. If it were me I wouldn't be going and I would reconsider the relationship going forward.

HeadintheiClouds · 04/09/2019 14:49

God, lilipoppet, I’d have been so annoyed if that had’ve been my wedding. I know it’s what toddlers do, but it’s the very reason they shouldn’t be at a service that requires relative quiet.

HeadintheiClouds · 04/09/2019 14:52

What relationship, Decomposing? One half of the couple is op’s dh’s cousin. That’s extended family if ever I heard it. They’re probably not remotely close in everyday life.
Cue op rolling up to tell me they have dinner together every Tuesday...

Roozy123 · 04/09/2019 14:57

@52HeadintheiClouds I agree with you.

@46lilypoppet that's such a shame.
I remember at my sister's wedding her 3 step children spoke and messed around through out the whole thing!!!! Even my brother had to pull them up on it as they walked down the aisle to be respectful and quiet no matter how bored they are.
Alot of eyes on them instead of my sister and her DH unfortunatly.

I had no kids at my wedding bar one nephew and 2 of my close friends children as they were in my wedding. No other children were invited and I don't regret it and everyone family and friends I invited didn't question it.

Roozy123 · 04/09/2019 15:00

My younger brothers wedding had 40+ children. No one was relaxed. People missed out on speeches etc Because they were down stairs watching the kids on the bouncy castle. Prams with sleeping kids in, screaming and shouting, running around.
It wasn't great.

bluebeck · 04/09/2019 15:02

YANBU not to go to this or any other wedding if you don't fancy it.

YABU to get the arse just because your DC aren't invited.

Roozy123 · 04/09/2019 15:05

@02bluebeck

*YANBU not to go to this or any other wedding if you don't fancy it.

YABU to get the arse just because your DC aren't invited.*

100% sums it up.

Newbie1981 · 04/09/2019 15:07

I think no children really makes sense in terms of capacity and cost, BUT I would never say that to a family member, just friends and anyone not in direct family. That's harsh! When they're older and they're all talking about the wedding that they were not at. Strange!

Roozy123 · 04/09/2019 15:13

@07Newbie1981 if that's the case regarding capacity and cost ... where do you stop with family!? This is her husband's cousins wedding.
There was no way I was inviting all 10 of my cousins and all their kids!!!! Then their partners and aunts and uncles and siblings.. then there is the other side of your partner's cousins and their kids!!

You have to draw the line somewhere.

DecomposingComposers · 04/09/2019 15:32

What relationship, Decomposing? One half of the couple is op’s dh’s cousin. That’s extended family if ever I heard it. They’re probably not remotely close in everyday life.

That depends on the family though doesn't it? My dd and my nephew have only a few weeks between them in ages. We live 2 minutes apart. They spent practically every day together when they were babies. They went to the same playgroup and then to the same schools from 4 - 18. They have a shared friendship group. They are cousins but are as close as siblings. Simply being cousins doesn't mean you have a distant relationship.

Mothership4two · 04/09/2019 15:37

I have several friends who had child-free weddings before they had kids of their own, who now say that they just didn't realise the implications when they did it - now they have been in put in the same position. It's not that some pre-kids B&Gs are stupid, its just that they haven't been in that position and so don't realise quite how much organising and possible costs are involved. Why should they? Obviously some pre-kids B&Gs do get it.

Some B&Gs with kids may not invite their guests kids, but OP's B&G don't have any. Think that's what ppl were commenting on.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 15:40

@Mothership4two an awful lot of newly weds already have kids before they get married these days so disagree with you on that one. I already had kids before I got married and still only invited immediate families kids

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 04/09/2019 15:44

When they're older and they're all talking about the wedding that they were not at

This must be going to be one hell of a wedding that people are still going to be talking about it in years to come when the kids are older Hmm

A few people have mentioned how the kids will feel over the years when everybody is talking about the wedding they weren't at. I don't think it'll be that talked about!