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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
JonSnowIsALoser · 03/09/2019 20:53

Like @Goodlookingcreature, it’s probably likely that the bride and groom won’t care if you decide not to come because the kids aren’t invited. It’s all about them, right? I guess that’s the way weddings go these days. It’s their right I suppose.

It’s also your right to decline the invitation, explain honestly that you’d love to come but arranging and paying for childcare is not practical, and not feel guilty about it.

Or just have DH go by himself. It spares you both the childcare bother, the awkwardness of declining the invitation, and coming across as resentful. That’s what I would do.

Bluegrass · 03/09/2019 20:55

Loving responses along the lines of

“But weddings are incredibly long and boring and dull so kids hate it” (seriously, I think you’re doing weddings wrong, have a rethink!); or

“But in my imagination a child will be ruining it but their parents (who you apparently care about enough to want to be there) are so fucking inept that they they can’t be trusted to manage their own child, so the only way I can actually bear them to be there is if I insist they leave their child at home”

People have no idea what hosting means. Maybe it used to be easier when it was the bride’s parents who were the hosts, leaving the bride (and groom) to fulfil their fantasy without feeling obliged to care about anyone else who is there.

Tinkerbelle57 · 03/09/2019 20:57

It really annoys me when people get het up over wedding invitations . When and where it is, who’s invited, no plus one, no children, whether long lost auntie Mabel is upset she’s not invited etc.

Do they not understand it is not about them it’s the bride and groom’s day and up to them who is invited and who they want there on their special day.
A lot of people are trying to be mindful of costs and if everybody’s children came it would be double the mouths to feed.
Some get upset when they can’t bring their other half or a plus one when the bride and groom haven’t even met them.
So accept the invitation graciously and decide if you are going or not, without your children. They are not invited and it’s not their turn. Their time will come.

celticprincess · 03/09/2019 21:06

@LaurieMarlow I’m not sure why you need to prioritise a baby though. It would be costing the bride and groom nothing to have either there. Unlike slightly older kids who may need feeding and entertaining. Space wouldn’t be an issue either. So it wasn’t a case of prioritising. We were meant to stay 2 nights but only stayed the one night due to this as well as my elderly mother struggled to cope more than one night looking after the baby.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 21:19

I’m not sure why you need to prioritise a baby though

Well I’m guessing that they really didn’t want babies and only had those that they absolutely couldn’t avoid having - and the bf one fitted that criteria.

It’s not something I’d do, but it’s not totally outrageous.

LightDrizzle · 03/09/2019 21:20

For the benefit of any U.S. posters, U.K. weddings are very long days for the most part. The ceremony will usually start between 10.00am - 2.00pm, and if it is a church wedding, it will be an hour (more of a mass), then guests go off to the reception and have drinks for about 1.30 mins while the wedding party has photos, then there is the reception line, then the wedding breakfast, usually 3 courses minimum and then speeches. After that there is often a gap before the evening dancing and buffet. A wedding could easily be 12 hours, more commonly around 9 these days as later ceremonies are more popular.
I understand a lot of U.S. weddings are shorter, so the boredom thing might not be so great.

Propertyfaux · 03/09/2019 21:20

Generally most people know what type of family they have and the likelihood of an invite. My DCs hardly know their cousins on my side, they probably only meet them at weddings and funerals. Would not think twice about them not being included or be upset. However on DPs side if they were not invited to cousins wedding my first thought would be fuck what have we done wrong to upset them. You have to be at least fourth cousins or blacklisted to not be invited. One set not being invited would be a family scandal.

Mary54 · 03/09/2019 21:41

Difficult
Obviously, if your kids are not invited, they and you have to acceptance that and you must decide whether or not to go on those terms
Having said that, I do feel that the idea that the bride and groom can do whatever they want because it’s “their day” has gone a bit too far in some ways.
I can remember the pastor at our wedding saying in the sermon that a marriage didn’t just involve two people but two families. That we weren’t just marrying each other but taking on each other's families. Therefore, to me, excluding children seems a shame but I understand it may make the reception too expensive for large families. I do think though that if that is the case, it is a shame if it effectively means that only one part of the family is missing out on the day

Rubicon80 · 03/09/2019 22:03

@celticprincess I think that was really, really shitty of those people to exclude your baby because you bottle fed rather than breastfed, and I say that as someone who breast fed my kids for a year each.

Breastfed babies are no cheaper (or more expensive) than bottle fed, they are no more or less likely to make noise or disrupt the 'perfect' day, there is literally no difference from anyone else's point of view.

No wonder you felt like crap when you arrived having made all of that effort to travel and to arrange childcare for such a young baby. I'm sorry that you were on the receiving end of that treatment.

celticprincess · 03/09/2019 22:09

@Rubicon80 than you. Without getting into the feeding debate I knew at least one person would understand.

nicola18737 · 03/09/2019 22:15

I think the opposite of everyone on this thread I think! Yes it's the couples day, but their friends and family have children, and saying they don't want them there sounds to me like they don't like their children!

I find it really selfish and I guess a lot of you might say of course it is, it's THEIR wedding day - well I don't think that gives them the right to hurt peoples feelings.

If we were invited to a wedding and told not to bring our son, I wouldn't go as I'd feel they didn't like my son!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 03/09/2019 22:34

I think the opposite of everyone on this thread I think! Yes it's the couples day, but their friends and family have children

But say in this instance then, the groom has a friend. That's 1 guest. The friend has a wife, that's 2 guests. They have 2 children. That's now 4 guest for just 1 person on one side. Add in all relatives and all friends and all their offspring... It's simply not possible for most. A wedding for 100 guests could very very quickly become a wedding for 300+ guests.

I have 4 children. I would not expect any of my family (siblings or cousins) or friends to invite my whole family (6 people) to their wedding. Space, and budgets are often limited at these things.

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 03/09/2019 23:07

YANBU, could you not contact the couple, explain your predicament and ask if they could make an exception for your children as they are family?

PurpleDaisies · 03/09/2019 23:11

YANBU, could you not contact the couple, explain your predicament and ask if they could make an exception for your children as they are family?

Don’t do this. The children aren’t invited. It’s just embarrassing to ask.

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 23:25

Can I ask why so many posters are saying don't tell the B&G the reason for declining the invitation? What is the correct response - just sending an RSVP saying you aren't going but giving no reason, making up an excuse or saying that you are unable to organise childcare?

I don't understand why a polite, but truthful, explanation is a problem.

Purpleartichoke · 03/09/2019 23:53

If they ask for a reason, I would simply say we didn’t have child care for the trip. But a modern RSVP card typically just as a yes or no response option without room for explanation.

Propertyfaux · 03/09/2019 23:57

I would not give a reason in the first instance because with the distance in this case it would be obvious why. It would also be interpreted as asking for them to come. If they then asked then I would be honest.

HeadintheiClouds · 03/09/2019 23:58

People have no idea what hosting means. What does this mean?
The first rule (actually, the only rule) of hosting anything is that the guest list is compiled by the hosts.
That is it, first and foremost. All else follows from that one simple fact.

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 23:59

I actually think that simply sending a card with the "no" box ticked is ruder than sending a polite note explaining that you cannot arrange childcare though.

We had an issue a couple of years ago where we legitimately had a prior engagement booked when an invitation to a family wedding arrived. We had to decline the invitation but I still contacted the bride to apologise and explain why we couldn't attend. Surely the B&G must be aware that not inviting children might mean some parents can't attend and so won't be upset by it?

SantaClaus · 04/09/2019 00:51

Sometimes, kids have to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them and their wants aren't at the top of everyone's lists.
If you don't want to go, don't go, but don't make out the bride and groom are being unreasonable.
If you do want to go, tell your kids they're not invited and teach them how to be understanding reasonable people rather than demanding snowflakes.

Barney60 · 04/09/2019 00:52

Totally agree their wedding and their choice, but there are compromises, can you not just go to the service then leave, ive travelled a few times hundred + miles to weddings /funerals ect that way not upsetting family as attended service explain dont want to leave your children any longer than ness, then childcare only for half a day, tiring but covering all sides, keeping everyone happy.

DecomposingComposers · 04/09/2019 01:13

Barney60

Op said it was a 7 hour journey though so that's a 14 hour round trip without factoring in time for the ceremony. A bit more than just half a day. How many of us would drive for 7 hours, nip into a church for an hour and then travel another 7 miles home again?

Honestly why would anyone be expected to do that? And why should OP worry about keeping the B&G happy? According to plenty of posters on here, the B&G won't care if the op goes or not so I don't see why anyone needs to travel for 14 plus hours to keep happy people who won't care either way.

MrsCollinssettled · 04/09/2019 07:29

You seem much closer to them than a lot of people are to their cousins as you clearly see them enough to be hearing all the wedding planning (assuming you are hearing it in person rather than picking it up via social media). Which makes it odd that during those get togethers they haven't taken the opportunity to say that they would have liked to invite the dcs bit that would have meant inviting loads from the other side of the family. They would know your situation well enough to know that finding childcare for 3 days would be a huge ask so wouldn't be expecting you to both come.

If you are only seeing this via social media I think YABU to be upset at the dcs being left out.

Either way sending a simple RSVP card with the "no" box ticked with no apology is fine as it was a only a duty invitation.

Pinkcat231 · 04/09/2019 07:31

I think you’re focusing on them being the only kids not invited but your DC are probably more distant relatives than the ones that are? You also say ‘on that side’ so there are DC on the other side not invited too?

YANBU not to go but YABU to look at it in this way so it seems worse than it is. This isn’t personal to your DC, it’s a blanket rule that happens to exclude them.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/09/2019 07:35

I'd just RSVP no and only give a reason if asked for one