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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
Original poster
FunkySnidge · 03/09/2019 17:52

Dh hasn't commented since initial reaction and I'm leaving him to it!

OP posts:
M2B19 · 03/09/2019 17:56

We had a childfree wedding. It was our decision to do so based on how we wanted our day to feel for us and other guests, however anyone that declined due to this reason was not judged or ridiculed we accepted it for what it was and got on with it. If you host a childfree wedding then you know there’s going to be a few people unhappy with your decision/unable to leave their kids and that’s the risk you take. If you choose not to go that’s entirely your decision and I’m sure the bride and groom will accept that decision graciously.

Lowlandlucky · 03/09/2019 17:57

To only have 2 children from the family missing out seems either cruel or an oversight . Maybe you should bring the fact to their attention

Jimdandy · 03/09/2019 17:59

I would normally say yabu if someone is having a child free wedding, but these aren’t. They’re having babies and children in the wedding party so I don’t see what difference your children would make.

I would decline and send a card.

FelicisNox · 03/09/2019 17:59

Could your DP not have a word with bride or brides family and just point out that whilst they say it's a child free wedding it actually isn't and your kids are the only ones in fact that are not invited?

It may be that they haven't realised, it may be one of them has a massive family with hundreds of kids so they've set it to participating kids only and the fact that yours are the only ones on your DH side is an unhappy coincidence.

YANBU to simply not attend and send a card.

YABU in relation to the kids attitude.. they are dictated TO not the other way around.

tizzero · 03/09/2019 18:01

Drabarni so I didn't have children at my wedding. We done a huge big boozy party on the cheap. Will I end up divorced? 🙄

tinkertanya · 03/09/2019 18:03

Some events are done like that. Just stop making everything about you. Or your children. In any event next time you do your own party etc invite all children. Then and only them will you understand this invite. I hope you learn here and dont become angry with people being too honest
Hire a babysitter and go enjoy a kid freeday!

Morgysmum · 03/09/2019 18:04

I hate these invites. Most of my cousins. Had these. So I haven't made it to any weddings. It makes me feel like a social outcast. The first was when my son was young. I couldn't leave him with my mum, as she was invited. My mil lived over 2 hours away, so too far for her to travel. My son is well behaved. The one wedding which I was invited to, the evening do, my son came down poorly. I would say you cannot attend and leave it up to you husband if he wants to go. What people should do who are arranging weddings is take a leaf out of cousins on my partners side did, they arranged childcare for the little ones. (for parents attending the wedding) I would if I ever got married.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 03/09/2019 18:05

How will your children feel in a few years when the happy couple are celebrating their anniversary, birth of baby, etc. and people talk about the wedding which they were excluded from.

???
Why would they feel anything? Why is it suspected that these kids are going to somehow be scarred from not being invited to a wedding? The wedding of their dad's cousin? My kids' UNCLE is getting married soon, and my children aren't invited. There's no talk of them being disappointed, or left out, or fobbed off or anything else. They have no expectation to go, so are not disappointed that they're not. They most certainly would not expect to be invited to my first cousin's wedding, regardless of how close we are.

I invited all cousins from my dad's side to my wedding (2 families... 9 cousins + some partners). I invited no cousins from my mam's side. (1 family, 6 cousins). My husband invited no cousins at all. People on here would try tell me it should be all or nothing!

Why do people assume the B&G will somehow be offended at the OP not attending? Or that they will care about the OP and her husband "reciprocating the feeling" at a later time?

It's a party... The people throwing the party write out a list of people to invite. There will be various people from that list who have to decline for various reasons. This will in no way impact on the B&G's day (apart from maybe making it slightly cheaper!). The only people who could possibly impact the day by their absence are parents.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 03/09/2019 18:15

And how many people celebrate every anniversary with every member of their family? Including their cousin's children?!

Talk of the wedding will die out after the wedding. It's hardly likely that all conversation will focus on the wedding everytime OP's kids are around!! Hmm

cantkeepawayforever · 03/09/2019 18:20

To only have 2 children from the family missing out seems either cruel or an oversight .

If I read it correctly, they are the only children missing out FROM ONE SIDE OF THE FAMILY. OP admits tht she has absolutely no idea about the make up of the other side.

We had issues at our wedding because DH has a really big family, and I have a small one. PIL were adamant that we had to do 'what was fair' - ie that if i invited my cousins (I have 4), DH must be able to invite his cousins (he has at least 20). So while we did fight really hard to have a couple of cousins we really cared about - so are friends more than cousins - the numbers that would have been involved meant that we essentially had a 'no cousins' rule. Which seemed harsh to my family, but they understood because of the huge impact if we included all of DH's cousins.

So what seems 'harsh' to the OP may in fact mean that they have simply been caught up in a situation that the b+g, looking at the two families as a whole, are not inviting e.g. 15 children in total, rather than not inviting just her 2.

jesst81 · 03/09/2019 18:26

Our wedding was no kids, not even our baby. It’s their day, don’t go if you feel so strongly about it but I think you’re being unreasonable.

Bluegrass · 03/09/2019 18:36

People forget that hosting, good hosting, is all about the needs of your guests - it’s a giving thing ( like the pleasure that comes from giving a gift).

Unfortunately that sits very uncomfortably with the idea of a wedding in which you are the star and the guests are the audience to witness your grand moment as the centre of attention. It creates a tension that is really hard to overcome. What role do you see yourself in - host, or star?

DocMarteens · 03/09/2019 18:41

This has happened to us. Initially told "no kids" but then appears to be "some kids." But not mine.

It's their wedding so their rules but even though kids can be a PITA, it really helps families out like ours (son is on medication and would need overnight child care). My parents and siblings are attending and my in laws live too far away. I don't have friends who I would like to ask to take over such caring responsibilities.

It comes across that the b&g value their day being more scripted and controlled than giving some slack to their family or guests. Definitely not money related.

It's not worth trying to present your POV, they don't think like that, they'll see it as an attack. Such a shame. Only options are decline or one of you just go - which is expensive and not going to be much fun Confused

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 18:41

Hire a babysitter and go enjoy a kid freeday!

For 3 days? Maybe some people don't want to leave their children with strangers for 3 days. If the B&G have the right to exclude some children then parents sure as hell have the right to choose not to leave their children with a stranger for 3 days in order to pander to said B&G

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 18:46

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

But you didn't invite all of the cousins from one side of the family, bar 1 did you? That's a big difference. In the ops case all of the children from her husband's side of the family are going - apart from hers.

Would the B&G not be a bit offended if op decided to throw a family party and invited the whole family apart from the B&G as obviously the aren't "close family"?

chickengirl77 · 03/09/2019 18:49

It's not child free though,totally get it if no kids at all but other kids will be there,I wouldn't go tbh! If dp wants to,then he can go on his own.

onegiftedgal · 03/09/2019 18:50

If children are older than say, 7 years old then they can cope and listen to instructions. So if your DC are older than this I do think that they are unnecessarily excluding you.
Who wants an annoying 2/3 year old running around and shrieking really?
I'd much rather leave my DC at home and enjoy some rare adult time.

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 18:55

Bluegrass

I completely agree with you.

For our wedding we made a guest list and then looked for a venue that could accommodate the size of that list - both price and size wise. We didn't find a venue and then cull the guest list to fit the capacity of the room.

In our family weddings (and funerals) are the times when the whole family gets together and that includes great aunts and uncles, their children, their children's children and their children's children's children. I'll always treasure my wedding day for the memory of several generations of my family coming to celebrate with me.

ellzebellze · 03/09/2019 19:03

If all the other children in the family are going, it's a bit shit that they have excluded yours.

Why do people do this?

gill1960 · 03/09/2019 19:04

This isn't a family occasion for your family.

This is someone else's starting their family with a wedding and they want adult fun not kids.

I completely agree with them having fun on their special day ... and I'm surprised that you can't see that

WhoLetTheFrogsOut · 03/09/2019 19:05

Kids can be really disruptive.

I've been at a wedding where a little boy shouted out "mummy, I need to poo" as they were saying the vows. Apparently it's clearly audible in the video. 😂

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 19:08

But there will be children at the wedding, just not the ops 2 so it isn't going to be a child free wedding at all, is it?

NeverSayFreelance · 03/09/2019 19:15

If you don't want to go or can't leave the kids, then don't go. But YABU to expect the B+G to change their wedding plan for your kids because they enjoy a party.

riceuten · 03/09/2019 19:20

Their wedding, their rules. It might seem unreasonable to you, but it seems reasonable to them, and it's their wedding. I've had weddings I have attended ruined by children misbehaving unparented during the service, and I have attended weddings where children have behaved impeccably. I presume they want a "perfect" wedding, and opt for the former to increase the chances of that

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