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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 03/09/2019 12:56

Obviously some brides and grooms will be too self absorbed to appreciate that.

🙄

Bluegrass · 03/09/2019 13:25

Just read 19 pages in one go. This is one of those threads where you get batshit crazy people clearly arguing against a voice in their own head rather than responding to what the OP actually wrote down (for the record, I think she probably knows it is the bride and groom’s choice, she has said that several times now!).

Also wonderful to read posters accuse her variously of being hysterical or making a massive fuss (is pondering whether to accept an invite on MN “making a massive fuss”, it’s not like she said she was planning on posting an RSVP smeared in her own excrement)?

Clearly this has hit a nerve with people though as it’s generated way more responses than you’d expect from the fairly small number of posts by the OP.

Personally I do think it is fair to note (as other have) that for a lot of cultures absolutely every effort is made to accommodate extended family and children, and it makes for a very different, very raucous but joyous event.

In white/UK culture though weddings do seem to be moving away from that, becoming increasingly stage managed, worried about and engineered to perfection. As costs inevitably go up decisions like who to include and who to exclude become more pressing. B&Gs are seemingly prioritising a different experience in order to get what they see as maximum value for their money. It just is what it is I guess.

MrsRufusdog789 · 03/09/2019 16:21

YANBU
Obviously your great sounding children are being excluded on cost grounds . More and more weddings seem like this these days which seems a great pity . Why not have a less fancy wedding and make everyone in the family welcome ?
If I were in your shoes I certainly wouldn't want to attend this wedding but plead a subsequent engagement. And save the money you plan to spend on a lovely gift on your own little family unit . I don't think this couple deserve a present !

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 16:23

Why not have a less fancy wedding and make everyone in the family welcome?

Why is everyone determined to peddle this angle?

Perhaps the B&G don’t particularly know/like these children and would prefer actual friends there instead?

Xmasbaby11 · 03/09/2019 16:24

I wouldn't go either. Just decline.

I agree it's up to the couple who they invite, but they must realise this means some guests will decline.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2019 16:27

I agree it's up to the couple who they invite, but they must realise this means some guests will decline

They probably do, I have never come across anyone having an issue with that though, if you can't go for whatever reason, then you can't go

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 16:39

Perhaps the B&G don’t particularly know/like these children and would prefer actual friends there instead?

But the way that the op talks about this relationship it sounds like they are close and know the children. Besides which, it's a bit of a slap in the face to find out that close relatives don't actually value you all that much and prefer friends over you. Their choice I suppose but they cant honestly expect the relationship to continue as it was before this. I would certainly re evaluate the relationship if I were the OP. I wouldn't cause an argument and I would politely decline the invitation but I would bear this in mind whenever the need arose in the future.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 16:45

Besides which, it's a bit of a slap in the face to find out that close relatives don't actually value you all that much and prefer friends over you.

It’s their first cousin’s child.

Is it really such a shock to find that they might want a close friend more?

MrsRufusdog789 · 03/09/2019 16:54

Lauriemarlow
Seems that more and more weddings now are increasingly lavish and exclusive events rather than a meaningful celebration witnessed by family and friends who all wish you well .
I don't know if another poster was "peddling "the same idea as I'm accused of doing but if so it's still a valid point . I think this particular couple or their parents can't afford to invite everyone without being divisive it's a poor start to a marriage . But then a wedding is different to a marriage . Discuss ?

SnuggyBuggy · 03/09/2019 16:56

I think some relationships do change for the worse with weddings. It can be an awkward way to find out you are not as close as you thought.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 16:59

Seems that more and more weddings now are increasingly lavish and exclusive events rather than a meaningful celebration witnessed by family and friends who all wish you well

Or, you know, some people are more into their friends than their cousin’s children. Confused

It’s disingenous to say it’s all about image. Extended family isn’t important to everyone and much as the OP wants a lovely day out with her kids, it’s entitled to expect this at the expense of what’s important to the B&G.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/09/2019 17:00

It's usually best to work out your budget and then work out how many people you can host appropriately but sometimes "the vision" gets in the way.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 17:05

It's usually best to work out your budget and then work out how many people you can host appropriately

Lots of other factors at play like available venues and how many they can host.

But more importantly, why would there be an expectation that first cousins children get an invite? I don’t think any of my friends / family invited them as standard.

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 17:12

Extended family isn’t important to everyone and much as the OP wants a lovely day out with her kids, it’s entitled to expect this at the expense of what’s important to the B&G.

Well then, if the op and her family aren't important to the B&G they won't have any problem when the OP and family reciprocate the feeling will they?

If everyone has been treated as close family until now - invited to everything, included in family events and celebrations, favours being done etc - because they were considered close family it is a slap in the face to suddenly be treated as distant family and not that important. I would now move the B&G out of my "close family" and place them in the "distant relative" group for future reference.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/09/2019 17:13

It's more the 6/8 children thing. I mean anyone with half a brain cell can surely see that doesn't look goid.

And yes it's better to either have a modest wedding that appropriately hosts everyone you want or limit to your intimate circles if you want something more lavish that fits the budget.

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 17:15

But more importantly, why would there be an expectation that first cousins children get an invite? I don’t think any of my friends / family invited them as standard.

Because they are family. More so, in this instance, is the fact that all of the other children in this family are invited. So it isn't a case of no first cousins children are invited is it? Other first cousin children are invited, it's only OPs children who aren't. That's not a nice way to treat family.

Drabarni · 03/09/2019 17:19

We pleased all family when we got married.
It was our day yes, but just as much the guests day who were kind enough to want to share it with us.
I didn't go to weddings with no dc as never had babysitters, so no kids, we had to miss it.

Drabarni · 03/09/2019 17:25

Seems that more and more weddings now are increasingly lavish and exclusive events rather than a meaningful celebration witnessed by family and friends who all wish you well

I think people who are like this are the ones that get divorced, it's all about the day not the marriage. Maybe they know they aren't in love and don't want it to be a meaningful event witnessed by family.

I work at weddings amongst other things, you can tell the ones who are doomed. "Time of our lives" dance is a no brainer.

RLABC · 03/09/2019 17:33

OP has your husband decided what he'd like to do?

BlueJava · 03/09/2019 17:36

Just graciously decline, send a present, go on holiday! After all they don't know you don't already have a holiday booked do they.

ToftyAC · 03/09/2019 17:39

I don’t think YABU. I’d definitely be declining politely and doing a family holiday instead.

Cheeseandwin5 · 03/09/2019 17:40

I think some of your complacency and lack of understanding is due to the fact that you have never been married.
Wedding lists are a minefield. You have a limited space, your bound to upset certain ppl and worrying about if you invite one doesnt hat mean you need to invite others.
If you can't go thats fair enough but it seems to me that you feel insulted about your kids not being invited and are reacting in a revengeful and frankly childish manner. If you were as close as you say, you would be being helpful and supportive instead of assuming that its more about your kids. I suspect the lack of invite is more to do with your attitude than anything else.

nuxe1984 · 03/09/2019 17:42

I agree with you OP - a wedding will become part of family history. How will your children feel in a few years when the happy couple are celebrating their anniversary, birth of baby, etc. and people talk about the wedding which they were excluded from.

All this "it's the couple's wedding, etc." pisses me off a bit. Yes I know it is …. but surely that's more about the dress, food, decorations, etc. People seem to have forgotten what a wedding is actually about - it's where you vow to love each other and spend your life together - in front of people who are part of your lives … your family and friends, people who are important to you, who love you and are invested in your future happiness.

Reba0706 · 03/09/2019 17:51

I find it interesting that you say your kids like these events and can't be fobbed off....kids are given such a voice these days....when I was growing up in the 70's we were told where we would go and we wouldn't question an adults decision, it was just how it was. It's not meant to be a criticism of you as my kids think they can dictate to us too....just an observation really of how things change.

manicmij · 03/09/2019 17:52

It's not your wedding. People have the right to choose children or no children. YABU.