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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 11:31

Soontobe60

Actually I do think it's bad mannered to not consider your guests when you host an event.

How do you see this playing out at future family gatherings when other family members talk about the wedding and ops children realise that everyone else, bar them, was invited?

This invite is divisive for the family and you have to wonder why the b and g would choose to do that.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2019 11:32

They’re children of first cousins. It’s far from obvious they’d be included.

They weren’t even on my radar for my wedding.

I didn’t even invite all my first cousins, just the ones I’m close to,

Same, I only invited the oldest of each family of my cousins, none of their kids...........if they had declined because of that I honestly wouldn't have cared, none did though funnily enough. Only kids we invited were our nieces and nephews and our own kids, who we actually know well

Cassilis · 03/09/2019 11:33

Did OP confirm her DH is a first cousin to the B or G? I thought DH was a sibling to the B or G but I might be mistaken.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2019 11:35

@Cassilis she said :

It's not an immediate sibling getting married but as it's a small family it's the next best thing on his side.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 11:36

This invite is divisive for the family and you have to wonder why the b and g would choose to do that.

Because a line has to be drawn somewhere.

Because the rationale (they’re not babies and not in the wedding party) is clear and reasonable.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 03/09/2019 11:37

Love these threads.

If the bride and groom STATE no kids then suck it up, whether the child is 18 months or 18 years.

Decline politely, explain the situation sensitively if you must as opposed to using your decline as a stick to beat them with.

Whether exceptions have been made and a few kids will be there is moot: if the invite states no kids, you don’t take your kids and you don’t get butt hurt about it publicly.

Also, your kids are teens. As IF they care.

Cassilis · 03/09/2019 11:41

Thanks Arya. In that case, if I were in OP's shoes, I would politely decline and make no mention of the lack of invite for DC. The B&G might be annoyed but they need to accept that its their prerogative not to invite DC but it's OP and her DH's prerogative not to attend.

Batcrazymum3 · 03/09/2019 11:41

If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday.

To all the people who are saying B&G are inconsiderate to exclude OP’s children due to in the inconvenience this will cause… do you also think B&G should have invited OP’s PETS? Or maybe they should have the wedding at OP’s house to make sure she can definitely make the day!

It’s their day. Its not selfish to limit the guest list so they can afford the day they want.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 03/09/2019 11:44

do you also think B&G should have invited OP’s PETS

Oh god I’m dead Grin

AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2019 11:44

do you also think B&G should have invited OP’s PETS? Or maybe they should have the wedding at OP’s house to make sure she can definitely make the day!

hahaha good point Grin

SnuggyBuggy · 03/09/2019 11:46

I think most rational people get that inviting in circles is best and excluding children in a way that means some but not all children in a circle get invited will go down like a sack of shit.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2019 11:47

Also, lots of people say "well the B&G shouldn't complain when people refuse their invite because their kids aren't invited"! Can I just ask how many threads have been posted here where the B or G is complaining about people declining their invite because their kids weren't invited? I don't remember seeing any but maybe I'm wrong. ...........

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 11:48

I think most rational people get that inviting in circles is best

Really?

So all cousins? All school friends? All work mates?

Rather than, you know, the ones you most want to be there.

Sounds like a ridiculous system to me.

Cassilis · 03/09/2019 11:50

I do agree that if I invited all of my first cousins’ children to my wedding but excluded one first cousin’s children it would go down like a sack of shit. And giving the invited children ‘roles’ would not sweeten the pill.

Soontobe60 · 03/09/2019 11:57

OP, you said this wedding is a very long drive away. Do the couple live that distance away too?
How many times have your dc met the couple?
What is the actual relationship between your DH and the couple?

Rubicon80 · 03/09/2019 12:00

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook It's about a difference in manners and etiquette which are all influenced by upbringing, culture and circumstances. I'm from a west indian culture and have a more collectivist outlook others clearly have a individualist one. I do think perhaps this no children thing is mostly an English thing? I've been to Somali, french, Irish, Nigerian and Ghanian weddings and never have any children been excluded.

I agree. I'm Jewish and have never encountered a Jewish child-free wedding. Have also been to Hindu, Italian Catholic, Nigerian, and Turkish weddings and the idea of excluding children (or family members) just isn't on the radar.

I skipped having a wedding party altogether rather than leaving out certain family members and causing upset.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/09/2019 12:01

I thought that's what most people did Hmm decided how much of the extended family and which friendship and social groups to extend the invites to depending on budget.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 03/09/2019 12:04

The B&G might be annoyed....

I have yet to meet a B or G who were annoyed that someone couldn't make their wedding! My best friend of 30 years couldn't make my wedding. I was disappointed she couldn't be there but will admit that past a fleeting thought when speaking to our other friend I didn't think of her all day and her absence didn't affect my enjoyment of the day one bit.

OP decline if you feel you must. The B&G won't be devastated. It will have no negative impact on their day.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 12:08

I thought that's what most people did hmm decided how much of the extended family and which friendship and social groups to extend the invites to depending on budget.

I don’t know anyone who stuck to a rigid category based approach.

Sounds like a bizarre approach to me.

So should I have invited one family of first cousins who I barely know, but not the second cousin who I am very close with?

And with things like work colleagues most people have to select. Or am I supposed to invite everyone according to you?

Makes no sense.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/09/2019 12:13

Family you are in touch with could also be considered a circle bit most people do have to consider that if they invite cousin a and b they might have to include annoying cousin c or get a nagging from grandparents for example.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 12:18

Family you are in touch with could also be considered a circle

So in this case they made a ‘circle’ of family babies and another of family kids in the wedding party.

In the end it comes down to the B&G wishes. They didn’t include them. They had clear rationale for doing so and presumably it applies to the other side too. 🤷‍♀️

SnuggyBuggy · 03/09/2019 12:21

Most people won't be impressed at a split of family kids. Obviously some brides and grooms will be too self absorbed to appreciate that.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 12:23

Most people won't be impressed at a split of family kids.

Most ppl I know would be looking at the actual relationships between the B&G and the kids in question.

Obviously some parents are too self absorbed to appreciate that.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/09/2019 12:42

And it sounds like they had a relationship, this isn't some random cousin they haven't seen since grandads funeral

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 12:44

And it sounds like they had a relationship

Who knows how close the B&G believe them to be? Not the OP and certainly no one on this thread.