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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
heveranne · 03/09/2019 08:31

You seem to be making a big drama out of this. You keep saying your children are the only 2 out of 8 who are not invited, but there may be many children on the other side of the family not invited, and also the children of the bride and grooms friends. The children on your DH's side of the family who are invited are either too young to take up a seat or are young adults. It's also not clear if they are the children of siblings or a cousin, which is what your DC are.

Explain to your children that the only children invited are those who are in the wedding party, very young children who don't take up a seat, or over 16s. It's not rocket science, and it isn't personal, but you're acting as if it is. Don't pass that view on to them.

Then accept the invitation in the spirit it's given and go and enjoy yourselves or decline with good grace.

I genuinely don't get all the angst here. It's an invitation. Either accept if you wish to go or decline.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 08:31

I’m staggered that posters can’t see that

please invite my child, whom you may barely know/are not close to, so we can have a lovely family day out. Yes I know this means you’ll have to exclude a friend who you would really like to be there. Shame

Is as selfish as it comes.Confused

You really can’t see this?

SeeTe · 03/09/2019 08:34

Maybe I'll get flamed here but when I got married I really didn't care what kids were there. We didn't have a child free wedding because we knew it would cause drama however, it was frustrating forking out for meals for children that probably weren't even arsed about being there and would rather be at home and their games console. Cutting other people I would have liked to come so that my cousin could bring her 6 year old etc...

It seems in these circumstances it's always the parents who are more bothered at the prospect of their kids not attending than the actual children.

It's probably a numbers thing OP. At the end of the day, you can be family but just not that close. I have friends that are closer to me than some family members are and I would have been more bothered about being there.

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 08:38

Dollymixture22

Don't necessarily agree that they get easier - one memorable sleepover with a friend's dd included her messaging and making arrangements to sneak out to meet some boy. Never again.

Batcrazymum3 · 03/09/2019 08:42

@DecomposingComposers

OP has no right to be offended by the B&Gs choice for their own wedding day.

I think it is acceptable to tell them the reason she cannt attend IF this is indeed the real reason she cannt attend. What I think the vast majority are saying is, don't say it's a childcare issue if it's not. The real reason stated was that she was unhappy kids weren't invited, not that she couldn't arrange for them to be looked after.

I also dont think B&G would be offended, I'm sure this scenario has croaaws their mind when they made their choice

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 08:43

LaurieMarlow

If that is what the bride and groom genuinely think then I believe that they need to understand that this makes other people re evaluate the relationship. I would think that as they clearly don't see us as close relatives then I don't need to think about inviting them to events that I host for close family. Presumably that would be ok and everyone would accept it with good grace and they would happily accept that they just aren't that important to me, certainly not as important as some of my friends.

MrsCollinssettled · 03/09/2019 08:45

Elvis86 if the B&G had a modicum of intelligence they would have seen that the way they explained the formula would have caused upset. If it is because the other family/friends have umpteen kids in the same age bracket as the OP they should have been upfront about it rather than leaving the OP not sure if it is personal to her dc.

Surely if you are having a childfree wedding you give some thought to whether it might cause childcare issues? I know the friends/family I would be inviting to a wedding well enough to know if they generally struggle for childcare or not. If I issue a "you but not your kids" invite to someone I know struggles to get childcare I really am saying I'm only inviting you to be polite because I know they are unlikely to be able to come.

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 08:46

OP has no right to be offended by the B&Gs choice for their own wedding day.

Of course she has the right to be offended. The B and G can't dictate how people feel as well as everything else. The op has no right to insist that her children are invited but has every other right to tell B and G why they aren't coming or to re evaluate their relationship going forward.

Of course, B and G might be upset about this - as is their right.

If you do something offensive you can't be surprised when people take offense.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 08:46

I would think that as they clearly don't see us as close relatives then I don't need to think about inviting them to events that I host for close family

I presume they see you as close. But not your children.

I’m guessing from this thread some people find this really tough to get their head around.

Do ppl conflate themselves entirely with their children? Genuine question.

But bear in mind that inviting your child they don’t get to invite someone else. That’s the trade off for them.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 08:47

If you do something offensive you can't be surprised when people take offence

There really isn’t anything offensive about not inviting your children to a wedding.

Batcrazymum3 · 03/09/2019 08:48

@DecomposingComposers

She can be upset, disappointed, hurt even but to be offended is not an acceptable response to this situation.

Batcrazymum3 · 03/09/2019 08:49

Offended - "resentful or annoyed, typically as a result of a perceived insult."

Definitely an over reach

Soontobe60 · 03/09/2019 08:50

If it was my relative I would go just to be part of the family event if nothing else, I guess he isn't close enough to his family to have the same sense.

So if he's not close to his family, why on earth are you so worked up about your dc not being invited?
Do you not have any family on your side that could come and stay at your house to look after your dc? I'm guessing none of your side are invited to a wedding of your DHs cousin?
All you need to do is send a note declining the invitation. The couple will probably just think, oh dear, cousin X and his wife can't make it. We have a couple of spare places, we can invite Fred and his girlfriend from work now. (Or that's £100 less we need to spend on their meals).

Soontobe60 · 03/09/2019 08:53

@DecomposingComposers
If you do something offensive you can't be surprised when people take offense.

Why is not inviting children of a distant relative to your wedding offensive? Unless they put a note in the invitation saying 'your kids can fuck right off', there's absolutely nothing offensive about it!

SnuggyBuggy · 03/09/2019 08:54

Surely it's best to just stick either a real child free wedding or family kids only. Picking and choosing like this is bound to cause hurt feelings and only leaving out two kids from a family group is bloody awkward.

IrmaFayLear · 03/09/2019 08:54

READ THE THREAD, PEOPLE!!!!

The OP's dcs are not little children, they are a teen and a pre-teen. All this talk of childcare - unless they have some extra needs then a sleepover at (separate) friends' with a promise of reciprocal weekend is absolutely fine and what most people do in the absence of handy grandparents (which I do not have).

And FGS!!!!!!!! - who has unlimited space at the wedding for people's dcs? As I said much upthread, look at Meghan and Harry's wedding. Where were everyone's dcs? If they weren't a pageboy/bridesmaid they were at home. Do you think Victoria Beckham was on MN bewailing the fact that her four dcs weren't sitting in St George's Chapel/feasting at Frogmore?

MerryChristmasHarry · 03/09/2019 08:56

Just fuck it off. That's the reasonable option, particularly as your OH doesn't want to go alone. Yes, they're being insensitive, and you have every right to be upset about that because people are entitled to have opinions on things that affect them. But there's nothing you can actually do about that.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 03/09/2019 09:32

There really isn’t anything offensive about not inviting your children to a wedding.

Not to you there isn't. But it is to others.

It's about a difference in manners and etiquette which are all influenced by upbringing, culture and circumstances.

I'm from a west indian culture and have a more collectivist outlook others clearly have a individualist one.

I do think perhaps this no children thing is mostly an English thing? I've been to Somali, french, Irish, Nigerian and Ghanian weddings and never have any children been excluded.

HeadintheiClouds · 03/09/2019 09:34

I imagine the b & g only explained the formula behind the invitations because op interrogated them about it. It’s not remotely usual to be this hyper aware of who else is on a wedding guest list.
It’s not like a spreadsheet of the entire cast is included with the invitation.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 09:35

But it is to others.

What’s important to the B&G is what counts though.

Soontobe60 · 03/09/2019 11:03

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook
It's about a difference in manners and etiquette which are all influenced by upbringing, culture and circumstances

As you think it's offensive to have not invited a distant relatives children, your comment above implies that those of us who don't think there is an issue with that choice must have bad manners and poor etiquette, and as you've given a list of which races would not do as the bride and groom have done, ergo the English must be bad mannered have a poor upbringing and terrible etiquette. Just wow!

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 11:26

Why is not inviting children of a distant relative to your wedding offensive?

They aren't distant relatives though are they? The way the op talks about them is as though they have a close relationship to them so, yes, I would find that offensive.

Sure B and G can do whatever they want but if people are offended by it the b and g don't have a right to say they aren't allowed to be offended.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 11:28

They’re children of first cousins. It’s far from obvious they’d be included.

They weren’t even on my radar for my wedding.

I didn’t even invite all my first cousins, just the ones I’m close to,

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 11:29

The way the op talks about them is as though they have a close relationship to them

Looks like B&G don’t see it like this. There in lies the problem.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/09/2019 11:31

It does sound like they were family members on speaking terms

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