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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
FeeFee832 · 03/09/2019 00:25

Been to numerous weddings... 3 with children and the children ruined the wedding.

Crying babies in ceremonies and kids on the dancefloor late at night. Never seen so many sober ppl because of kids...

Weddings are an adult affair!

SummerTime12345 · 03/09/2019 00:27

YANBU
I totally get this. You do you and your family x

Sashkin · 03/09/2019 01:25

Quite old enough to go for a sleepover at friends

For two days?

It’s three days! Can you imagine the AIBU comments if OP started asking random kids’ parents from school to take her children for a three-day sleepover? Confused

Sun99 · 03/09/2019 02:07

@FunkySnidge. I have a similar situation. But I told the mother of the groom that I couldn't go, as it's an overnight event and my own parents will be away, so no baby sitting option. Now the mother of the groom wants to approach the groom to state my case. Which I do not want her to do. I do not want to be the one creating a drama. Yes, I'm upset I can't go. Very upset, as I even found and booked cheap accommodation for us (thinking I might be able to go), which other family members have now booked. But I don't have an option for my son for 1.5 days we will be away for the wedding. Even if we leave right after the speeches, and don't stay overnight, minimum time for a baby sitter for us is 10 hours. Anyway, time is irrelevant as I can think of no-one who can do it. Yes, I could pay someone, but I wouldn't enjoy myself leaving him with a stranger either. I wish I had not said anything to the mother of the groom, as I am now petrified she will "put her foot down" and ask him to change their wedding rules. I would suggest you keep it quiet for a while and then around the time of the RSVP just reply as 1 going, should DH feel he really needs to go. Let the B&G work it out for themselves that the reason you can't go is baby sitting. Perhaps later in their lives they will understand when they have their own kids. Let them be blissfully unaware of this side of parenting before their time comes. Let them enjoy the day as they had planned. They can learn these things when they have their own kids. I agree with @Mothership4two, pre kids couples are not aware of the issue of baby sitting. And really, I am happy for our B&G to remain naive about that. They are young and they can learn how hard it is when their time comes. Although they will have plenty of choices for baby sitting, unlike me. Even close family have suggested I get a sitter at the hotel. I can't leave my kid with a stranger in a 2.5 star hotel for the night. My son and I will probably go to the ceremony which is 90 min away, and then come home. I am thinking I won't be the only parent in this situation. I am just hoping the mother of the groom keeps mummmm...

I also feel, if they have those rules, they need to be prepared people will have to decline the invite. On my side I think they will be glad I am declining, as they have over-invited for their venue size!! Unfortunately I am collateral damage of their restrictions. But I'm a mum first, extended family member second.

All the best figuring out your situation.

user1493423934 · 03/09/2019 03:07

I assume the wedding is on a weekend, so they go home with their friend after school on Friday and stay til Sunday (while parents drive up on Friday, wedding on Saturday, then back on Sunday).

I did this a few times as a teenager . . . often had friends over for weekend too while their parents went away.
Didn't think this was unusual?! our parents were fine as we used to make our own fun and helped out with tidying, dishes etc and kept out of their hair.

*^^Quite old enough to go for a sleepover at friends

For two days?*

user1493423934 · 03/09/2019 03:07

Oops bold fail!

tizzero · 03/09/2019 04:36

Oh fgs. Organising a wedding is stressful. Invites are the hardest.
I have a wedding on Saturday - my child is invited
I have a wedding in June. Numbers are tight and despite lots of other kids going mine isn't invited. I'm not going to make a fuss. I'm going to enjoy a child free day.
People really need to stop making such a big deal about weddings. Don't make it any more stressful for the couple as they are probably getting it tight from closer relatives.

myself2020 · 03/09/2019 06:47

i’m actually flabbergasted at some if the answers:

  • sending your kids for 3 days to their friends is fine??? just imagine the AIBU “ my kids’s friends mum has asked me to keep her child for a 2 night sleepover” - cf would be a mild response
  • organising paid childcare for 3 days is fine (that’s an overnight nanny btw, think £500 - in which world is that acceptable?)
  • parents are happy to be away from their kids for a weekend - 1) many of us work fulltime, we don’t have loads of time with our children and cherish it and 2) IF i wanted a childree weekend, i wouldn’t spend it on a wedding....
you are a self-absorbed twat if you really believe that, and most of your guests were politely lying when they told you that (a bit like saying “oh it doesn’t really matter” if you spill red wine over your favourite dress...)
Dollymixture22 · 03/09/2019 06:53

Myself - this seems to have hit a very personal nerve😂😂

Everyone of different - but the kids in question are older so sending a teenager for a two night sleep over isn’t really that awful. It’s not as if they are four. Obviously would depend of relationship with parent etc.

Lots of parents go on adult only holidays - long weekends etc, without their kids. You don’t have to but it’s nothing to get so worked up about.

I think you have overreacted somewhat😊

I did two night sleepovers when I was a teen - it really wasn’t so hugely unusual?

PreseaCombatir · 03/09/2019 06:56

What I don’t understand by reading the comments, is that it’s apparently fine to decline, but god forbid you’re honest about the reason you’re declining Confused because apparently telling someone you can’t come to a child free event due to lack of childcare is somehow making them feel bad for having a child free event or is somehow trying to guilt trip them into inviting your children. It must be exhausting being some of you

clucky3 · 03/09/2019 07:02

What I don’t understand by reading the comments, is that it’s apparently fine to decline, but god forbid you’re honest about the reason you’re declining  because apparently telling someone you can’t come to a child free event due to lack of childcare is somehow making them feel bad for having a child free event or is somehow trying to guilt trip them into inviting your children. It must be exhausting being some of you

Totally this. So much drama!

Witchinaditch · 03/09/2019 07:19

I love the response of we are having a child free wedding or it’s about the couple, this is usually said by couples who don’t have children and no idea how difficult it actually is to find often over night childcare. I’m sure things change when these couples have children themselves 🙄

PurpleDaisies · 03/09/2019 07:35

pre kids couples are not aware of the issue of baby sitting.

This is utter rubbish. I wish people would stop talking a lot people without children as if they’re idiots. People know that children need to be looked after. They’d just prefer to put that responsibility on to their guests and keep their wedding child free/minimal children only.

I know a fair few couples who only had their own children and a few close family kids at their weddings. Not inviting all children isn’t just done by young, naive couples.

Dollymixture22 · 03/09/2019 07:51

Yep, incredibly patronising. Silly bride and groom will understand everything once they have children of their own and will look back in horror that hey didn’t invite every guests child to the wedding, even though it would have increased numbers considerably and cost a fortune.

Some parents here seem to never want to be parted from their children, and that’s fine. But as a result they will have to miss out on some social occasions.

the Outrage expressed by some that their children aren’t invited is odd.

myself2020 · 03/09/2019 07:57

@Dollymixture22 i don’t mind childfree events - what i do mind is the “we actually do it for our guests so that they can enjoy a childfree evening “ and the “just organise childcare” argument.
Its the couples right to have their wedding child-free. they have however NO right to be then disappointed if people don’t come. and they gave NO right to expect people to make it possible:)

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2019 08:04

Its the couples right to have their wedding child-free. they have however NO right to be then disappointed if people don’t come

Did anyone on this thread say they do?

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 08:05

There are lots of posts here telling op to just politely decline and not explain why as though the explanation might cause offence to the bride and groom, yet seemingly the bride and groom weren't bothered about causing offence when they issued the invitation, so can anyone explain why it's ok for brides and grooms to offend guests but not ok for the guests to cause offence in return?

When did weddings become such selfish events? Like a pp I come from a Jewish/East End background and weddings (any sort of get together in fact) has always been about the guests and providing hospitality. No one is left out and consideration is given to make sure that every guest is considered. We even invited friends of family members or elderly friends so that they wouldn't be there on their own. Surely this is what you do as the host? Our day was about our family and friends celebrating with us and our focus was about everyone enjoying themselves and us showing them that we love and value them. It wasn't just about us and what we wanted.

And obviously the ops children will work out that they were the only children not invited if they see photos or speak to their cousins at other events. Who is meant to explain the reason they weren't invited?

I guess, invite who you want to your wedding but don't be surprised if that doesn't cause offence or changes the dynamic of the family going forward.

elvis86 · 03/09/2019 08:12

Can you imagine the AIBU comments if OP started asking random kids’ parents from school to take her children for a three-day sleepover?

*i’m actually flabbergasted at some if the answers:

  • sending your kids for 3 days to their friends is fine??? just imagine the AIBU “ my kids’s friends mum has asked me to keep her child for a 2 night sleepover” - cf would be a mild response*

You forget that some of us live on the other side of the mirror, where friends help each other out and reciprocal favours like this are commonplace.

But then it's hardly surprising that the posters who are totally outraged at having to leave the kids at home / travel / stay overnight for a wedding are the same people who report that there's nobody who would help them with childcare. Wink

TaskMistress · 03/09/2019 08:13

Maybe your kids are the reason it's no children?

We said no kids except wedding party as there were certain children in the family we just didn't want. They were relatives of a stepparent, badly behaved and always massively
Underdressed (think tracksuits) at a wedding on 10 year olds.

Some people asked if they could bring a children and we said yes but still a no to this family.

Sorry op it is't your wedding but it is up to you wether you go or not.

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 08:13

myself2020

Completely agree with your post.

DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 08:16

elvis86

3 days is a big ask for friends parents though isn't it? I've had my DDS friend for a sleepover for a night when her parents were going out and they've done the same for us. I would not ask, and nor would I agree, to 3 days/2 nights childcare. That's too much to ask.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/09/2019 08:19

I'd sack this off. You'll probably be stuck at a table with the other kids. I might get babysitting for proper adult time where I can "let my hair down" but fuck doing so to spend time time with other kids anyway.

elvis86 · 03/09/2019 08:19

3 days is a big ask for friends parents though isn't it? I've had my DDS friend for a sleepover for a night when her parents were going out and they've done the same for us. I would not ask, and nor would I agree, to 3 days/2 nights childcare. That's too much to ask.

Ok that's your position.

But I know parents who have and would. When it's reciprocal it's fine and works for everyone.

We had a lot of guests at our wedding who were parents and left the kids at home - most stayed the night before and the night after, and all of them managed to arrange childcare.

Dollymixture22 · 03/09/2019 08:21

But it gets easier as they get older? My friends 14 year old daughter stayed with me for a couple of nights while she was away with work. She was a very easy house guest, and we had a lovely time. I imagine it would have been even easier if I had another 14 year old in the house, surely they entertain themselves at that age😊

I suppose we are all different, but I would keep a friends child for a couple of nights once they were passed ten. Younger kids are much harder work.

HeadintheiClouds · 03/09/2019 08:21

When did weddings become such selfish events?. Grin
Yes, selfish bastards, inviting who they want to their own wedding. They should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

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