Wedding invite - no children

[FunkySnidge]

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

In many cases people to not live close to their family, are perhaps on best terms with their biological family, and are not part of the bygone days of all families living in the same town and in each others lives on a regular basis.

The only one of those points that has any merit is not getting on with your family, in which case (assuming the feeling is mutual) they're highly unlikely to expect an invitation in the first place.

But where everyone is coming, but not the children specifically, that is where some people have issue. In that situation you are purposefully excluding family no? It is about when you have one.

If you dont have family that is one thing. The issue is when everyone is just dandy but only family members aged magic no.7 and over blah blah can come and join us in our celebration and rest of you can find some sort of arrangement to make it.

@Bouffalant It's an outdated way of thinking that suggests that all families are close and loving, live locally and are involved in each others lives - more prevalent in decades past where perhaps it would have been considered to be the joining of 2 families.

This is such a blinkered view of the past. Do you really think that not living close to family, or not being on good terms with them, is a new invention?

It's not that people preferred their family to their friends in the past. It's that there were certain ways of doing things, certain conventions, and one impact of that was that if you just did things by the book, you didn't cause all this hurt and distress and conflict by inviting one sibling's kids and not the other's (for example).

In many cases people to not live close to their family, are perhaps on best terms with their biological family, and are not part of the bygone days of all families living in the same town and in each others lives on a regular basis.

Again this weird misty-eyed view of the 'bygone days' where all families were the Brady Bunch.

I'm not on speaking terms with one of my siblings, whose partner is an evil bastard, and another sibling is a fucking disaster area. We just chose not to have a wedding party at all to avoid all of these politics. It would have caused WW3 if we'd invited some siblings but not others.

We enjoy seeing our friends on other occasions. I have friends who mean the absolute world to me - I cherish and love those friends far more than my siblings or cousins, but I wasn't going to inflict hurt and distress on family members for the sake of "IT'S MYYYYYY PARTY AND I'LL HAVE WHO I WANT!!!!"

There is no rule that says you have to have a huge 'do'. But by having a big event but then leaving out certain individuals, you are of course going to cause hurt and strife.

The concept of family has changed. It is those closest to you that you love. Not everyone who is related to you by blood.

No. What you're talking about there - people who are closest to you and you love who are not related by blood - is friends. People who are not necessarily closest to you, but who ARE related by blood, are your family.

It's not complicated, and it hasn't changed. It's incredibly narrow-minded to think that it's only in the 21st century that people have suddenly discovered the concept of friendship or that everyone in the past spent their entire lives in their family's pocket.

"There is no rule that says you have to have a huge 'do'."
There is also no rule to who you HAVE TO invite.

But where everyone is coming, but not the children specifically, that is where some people have issue.

Is it so hard to believe that ppl have better relationships with their grown up family members than the kids?

I grew up with my cousins. We were close as children, I have wonderful memories of our times together and though we see each other infrequently now we pick up where we left off.

My cousin’s children on the other hand I barely know.

Oh i love a good wedding bust up!
I usually don't give reasons why i decline weddings, unless i decline and then they ask. So in this case it would be first "thanks for the invitation, unfortunately we have to decline"

Then if they followed up asking why I'd say "it's 3 days away and not do-able with the DCs"

Because then there's opportunity for "oh gosh, bring them!" or "sorry, we'll miss having you there"

and if it's the second one say something like "we'll miss being there, but looking forward to seeing the photos and hearing all about it". (whether you are or not, and when they do show you it's an hour out of your life, suck it up in the name of family harmony)

On the other hand. If your DB and SIL announce, 3 months after you announce your due date for DC1 is at the end of December, that they're getting married on 1st Jan, and you decline for that reason. And they then huff and puff about rearranging it so you can come and then settle on 25th Jan and get huffy about how you're still not coming you are allowed to bear a grudge and never ever send them a card or acknowledge the fact that they had a wedding without you--

not at all bitter...

You’d be hard pushed to find someone who enjoys the company of children less than I do, but even so I don’t get the rationale behind child free weddings. They’re either family members or friends, so why exclude them and make it difficult for everyone?

I’d sack this one off OP.

My brother is getting married in a few weeks, 2 of my children are going. 2 aren't. No drama. The other 2 will join us on the second day. Local wedding.

Our cousins and their spouses have all been invited. Cousins are going. Spouses aren't.

It's not an issue.

You don't kniw how many little cousins are on the bride's side who aren't invited. A line has to be drawn somewhere. You don't need to give a convoluted reason why you're not going. Just RSVP no, with a nice card. No need even for a gift. Send a bottle of bubbly to their room on the day if you're so inclined.

Your DH really needs to go to his cousin’s wedding and enjoy time with his extended family.
OP doesn’t have to do anything as it’s not her family. If he does decline for both of them don’t use the kids as an excuse as it will look as if OP isn’t capable of looking after her two kids alone. I do think if he accepts for just him they will ask OP and miraculously the kids will then be invited.

I think the conflict here is because they are family.

I’ve been invited to no children weddings and I’ve declined as I had no childcare for an overnight stay. The couples were older so pretty much all of their guests had kids and the costs were extortionate for them. Totally get that, and they totally got that I couldn’t come.

With family I guess it’s different though.

I’d decline and send a nice card and bottle of something fabulous.

My children are now adults so Im responding as if they were small. If they were the only family members not invited I would not go and be honest as to why. They would also feel hurt when theres a family gathering and the other children were chatting about it.
I would be honest and tell them if my kids aren't invited we are not going to attend.

Why are you dithering about accepting or declining? You really don’t sound as if you want to go. Buy a ‘with regret’ card from a card shop, it’s printed out for you, all you have to do is write your names in the appropriate places to say you won’t be attending.....you don’t have to say anything!

PP when you say "by the book", what is it you mean? A made up version of what people think weddings are supposed to be?

As far as I was aware it was about 2 people that love each other choosing to get married. In whatever way they see fit, by whatever custom or culture they choose.

There is no rule book.

So this is your husband’s 1st cousins wedding?

We invited my first cousins who I like to our wedding. The only “kids” invited were my teen siblings.

We invited all of my husbands 1st cousins (apparently would be rude not to - none of them later invited us to their weddings, so that only works one way apparently)
One cousin lost her shit that her child wasn’t invited. A) no kids. B) cut off was 1st cousins, not 1st once removed. Cousin wanted US to explain to kid why she wasn’t invited when their family was.

Apparently they are super family oriented despite the fact that I’d never met the child.

Bride and groom can host the wedding they want. Decline without reason if you aren’t attending. Don’t try to guilt them with your kids.

Mmmmm, would love to go without the kids, spend a bit of time with DH (in the romantic sense..............)

You may think of weddings as family history but clearly the bride and groom don't. It's their prerogative to have a child free wedding, or even selected children only, it's yours not to go. But YABU to complain that your DC will feel cheated. It's your job to manage their expectations.

Can DH go on his own if it's his side of the family?

It’s not about you and your children.
It’s about the couple having the day they want.

Those posters who say weddings are all about family and should include everyone - where do you draw the line?

Many people have said that if you invite cousins, inviting their children too could swell the numbers hugely and to the detriment of the whole wedding. Six cousins (+ spouses if they have them) could result in twelve guests becoming 24 if they all have two dcs. Should the bride and groom be obliged to accommodate all these children? And it would be double if you include both sides.

When I got married I invited aunts and uncles, but not my cousins who were all adults. I have 30 cousins. I don't even know how many children they all have! I would have had to hire the O2 to accommodate everyone if I had abided by some MNetters' rules!

So much speculation. All open to misinterpretation.

When we received the wedding invite to my nieces wedding I was devastated it said no children. The wedding was in my home country and would have meant either me going on my own and leave OH and 3 year old DD at home for 4 days, or not go at all. I did not want to go on my own, so I called my niece and declined. I said I was so sorry we couldn't make it as we had really been looking forward to their wedding (big family event and very much spoken about for about a year).

She asked me why I declined and I said it was because no children were allowed.

She laughed at me heartily and said:

• that part of the invite was obviously not meant for you, it's for our friends as many of them have children. Obviously you, OH and my cousin are all invited. She found it hilarious that I had thought what was written on the invite applied to us.

Moral of the story: Don't assume you know what b&g mean.

As others have suggested a polite decline and the real reason leaves it open to either a -you are all invited or -we'll miss you on the day.

Well, to be fair, most people can use the English language correctly and it’s actually quite safe to assume it’s not written in code.
I’m unsure what was hilarious about her sending you an invite saying no children and then announcing it “obviously” didn’t apply to you. That wasn’t open to misinterpretation in the slightest, it was just quite silly.

Inks42 - if the invite said no children, but your child was invited, then the invitation should have included your child’s name.

In fact every one invited, adults and children, should be named on the invitation,

If I received an invitation which did not name my child as I voted, and stated no children I would never dream of seeking clarification, because that would be rude.

The moral of your story is either your niece was very sloppy with her invitation,ps, or she was embarrassed and felt she had to extend the invitation,

It sounds as if context here is important. Rather than see inviting two who are similarly related to the B&G as your two are as an injustice towards your own kids, maybe it's just that they're closer to those two than they are to your kids?

Adding to that, it may also be a choice between your kids, who I'm assuming they maybe don't see that much due to the 6-7 hour drive, and two friends? Therefore, it could be that the other family members are red herrings, as the choice isn't about them or your DCs, but rather your DCs or someone else?

YANBU to decline for your reasons given, but be gracious and dignified in doing so, because the bride and groom no doubt have their reasons.

Actually apologies, you've just said some children are invited who B&G don't know. Do you know that for definite?

How would op know such a thing? How deeply have you interrogated this poor couple, op?!

*She laughed at me heartily and said:

• that part of the invite was obviously not meant for you, it's for our friends as many of them have children. Obviously you, OH and my cousin are all invited. She found it hilarious that I had thought what was written on the invite applied to us.*

Hilarious.

Sounds like a (weird and unlikely) one-off instance where your niece totally messed up her wedding invitations. Or as others have said, your kids weren't actually invited but your reaction - "devastated"! - meant she quickly reconsidered to avoid you kicking off.

Moral of the story: Don't assume you know what b&g mean.

Yes absolutely. Don't assume that a B&G intend a wedding invitation to be for the people they've addressed it to.

Additionally don't assume that the date on the invitation is actually the day they're getting married, or that the venue they've detailed is actually where the wedding is taking place.

@Inks42 oh god... your children defo weren't invited. You made her feel bad.