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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 02/09/2019 14:24

I think child free wedding are fine, but this isn’t one.

It’s not, but the rationale for no invite is clear (and not controversial in my eyes) and likely there are others in the same position on the other side.

It’s unfortunate that it’s panned out like this for the OP, but lines need to be drawn somewhere.

AntiHop · 02/09/2019 14:25

I'd feel the same way as you op.

When we got married, we saw this as a family event. All children of our guests were invited. We had garden games and a bouncy castle. We cut corners in other ways so we could afford to invite lots of people (eg made our decorations, didn't have wedding cars, no bridesmaids etc).

A pp suggested you say that it's just too expensive to arrange childcare. I think that's the best way to go. Or try and persuade dh to go alone.

Sedlescombe · 02/09/2019 14:38

They are entitled to have a child free wedding. you are entitled to prioritise spending time with your children.

elvis86 · 02/09/2019 14:41

the way i see it, inviting a couple but not their kids basically means “we had to invite you, but we don’t really mind if you come or not”.

You see it wrong. Despite many people here who have had child-free weddings telling you that this wasn't what they intended at all.

If you apply a modicum of intelligence to this, you would see that a couple who invite 100 guests without children are not doing so in the hope that all 100 don't attend.

being able to easily find childcare for more than a couple of hours is quite rare.

For you, maybe. Lots of people I know have no trouble. Especially not for an occasion like a wedding.

Even if it's a family wedding and parents etc are attending, lots of people I know have friends that would help out with the kids and they'd return the favour.

But then I seem to inhabit a different world to many people on here. A world where people are happy to celebrate friends' and families" good fortune, happy to spend a day apart from their kids, and happy to do friends and family favours. Confused

Roozy123 · 02/09/2019 14:46

If they had a wedding where all family children were invited, except for mine, then I’m not going.
Fuck ‘em.

I would feel the same but in this case it isn't ALL children invited but oh, don't invite them two children.

There are children the other side of the family that aren't invited and I'm sure their friends kids that aren't.
Only children IN the wedding are invited. No guests are children... for every family and friend going. It's not a personal - ops 2 kids aren't allowed but every other child is.

minipie · 02/09/2019 14:50

the way i see it, inviting a couple but not their kids basically means “we had to invite you, but we don’t really mind if you come or not”.

Er no. I see it as meaning “you are our friends so we want you there, your children are not our friends so we have no particular desire for them to be there”.

Drum2018 · 02/09/2019 14:51

I just need to work out how to word it so it doesn't come across funny if that's what we end up doing

You don't need to give a written explanation at all. Buy a pre printed wedding decline card, write yours and Dh names on it and post it. It's that simple. If anyone bothers to ask why you are not coming after that, then perhaps say you couldn't organise the trip around childcare. But otherwise there is no reason to mention it to anyone.

elvis86 · 02/09/2019 14:52

You don't need to give a written explanation at all. Buy a pre printed wedding decline card, write yours and Dh names on it and post it. It's that simple. If anyone bothers to ask why you are not coming after that, then perhaps say you couldn't organise the trip around childcare. But otherwise there is no reason to mention it to anyone

Totally agree.

LL83 · 02/09/2019 14:53

What do you do if your children aren't invited to a class party? It's the same thing.

If you want to go then go (or want to accompany dh). Personally I enjoy a wedding and a catch up with family and wouldn't miss it as children not invited (unless I couldn't get childcare). Tell children you are disappointed too and would love for them to come but not your choice. Weddings are expensive and bride and groom have to make tough choices. We will see grannies and aunties etc at christmas. Children get invited to things without you too.

If you dont want to go then dont go, and don't feel bad about that either. But you are right to respond asap.

LaurieMarlow · 02/09/2019 14:53

I see it as meaning “you are our friends so we want you there, your children are not our friends so we have no particular desire for them to be there”.

Totally agree

LL83 · 02/09/2019 14:55

Also if declining causes a rift that may effect your children more than missing one wedding.

They will be priced as adults, the others will be cheap/free. Maybe that is a factor.

Littlecaf · 02/09/2019 14:57

I kind of know how you feel OP. I respect the “it’s their wedding, their choice” thing. But sometimes the couple just don’t realise how difficult it is to get childcare for a whole day and evening. It’s expensive too. It’s sometimes not just the case of “just send a card declining”. My best friend is getting married this year and she’s having a child free wedding. Its costing us £120 in babysitting. I can’t not go, she’s my best friend. I’m not throwing away 30 years of friendship. She’ll get it when she’s has kids.

HeadintheiClouds · 02/09/2019 14:59

being able to easily find childcare for more than a couple of hours is quite rare
Why do people make blanket statements like this? Confused

Bouffalant · 02/09/2019 14:59

But if they are only inviting immediate family children - sibling children - it doesn't mean that they are only excluding OP's DC as the only family children.

There could be 20 cousins on the woman's side. If they'd invited OP's kids that would open another can of worms for the cousins on the other side. Where do you stop? It doesn't sound like they're the only family children not invited. They're just the only cousins on DP's DH's side.

We are not inviting any children to the register office part of our wedding, even immediate family children. The room is very small, and inviting children would mean that we would be unable to invite many of other adults that we are closer to - adults we are closer to than the children. If we were to include all children of the invited adults it would mean getting a larger venue, which is the opposite of what we want. People are welcome to bring children the the evening, which is in a field with marquees.

If some people are unable to attend as we have not invited children that's a shame, but we're not willing to uninvite close friends/change our venue/change the whole tone of the wedding.

Roozy123 · 02/09/2019 15:00

@Bouffalant 100% right.

CrocodilesCry · 02/09/2019 15:03

This is almost exactly what happened when I was a kid - DM's cousin got married, DB and I (mid teens at the time) weren't invited.

I still hold an everso slight grudge Blush

Silly I know but true - I just thought not inviting us because we weren't toddlers but we weren't quite adults was pretty crappy!

Bouffalant · 02/09/2019 15:08

And the whole "weddings are about familyyyyyyyyyyyy" gets on my nerves.

It's an outdated way of thinking that suggests that all families are close and loving, live locally and are involved in each others lives - more prevalent in decades past where perhaps it would have been considered to be the joining of 2 families.

In many cases people to not live close to their family, are perhaps on best terms with their biological family, and are not part of the bygone days of all families living in the same town and in each others lives on a regular basis.

In our case we do not see our families very often, and are much closer to our close friends than we are to cousins children, the we see out of obligation every other year or so. In our case we would not be willing to invite biologically related people that we see once in a blue moon at a cost of having to not invite our dear good friends that we see weekly and are far closer to than our biological relatives.

The concept of family has changed. It is those closest to you that you love. Not everyone who is related to you by blood.

HeadintheiClouds · 02/09/2019 15:11

^^ absolutely.

Lipz · 02/09/2019 15:12

If it doesn't work for you going without your children then decline, just RSVP with not able to attend, there normally isn't an area to write an explanation, like other posters said, just say you can't sort child care etc. if they ask.

I had this with one of my brothers, all children were in the wedding party except mine, he didn't want 2 of my children because they didn't have nice smiles, he didn't want one because he was a messer, he didn't want youngest because her wheelchair was too big and would take over the photos. We declined the invite, he asked why, I told him and then ended up getting another invite in the post with the kids names on it ! we still didn't go and booked a lovely 4 day break and enjoyed it much more.

Ilovemypantry · 02/09/2019 15:14

@whattodowith

I absolutely love child free events, each to their own but I think everyone needs some adult time sometimes.

Propertyfaux · 02/09/2019 15:31

At least you know, I was at a wedding when the couple sat on my table suddenly realised their children were the only ones not invited in a small close family. The spent the entire reception batting away question from other family member about why they hadn’t brought their children and the other children asking where they were so they could play with their children. It was all very awkward and the women got very upset by the end of the reception. They left before the evening reception. The bridal couple are no longer invited to that section of the family events.

SoupDragon · 02/09/2019 15:33

Quite old enough to go for a sleepover at friends

For two days?

Callingallbutterflies · 02/09/2019 15:42

YANBU to think about how your children are perceiving the situation. My children are very family orientated and I can understand where you are coming from.

However, Bride and Groom can invite whomever they want to their wedding but YANBU to decline to attend. You don't have to give a reason or make one up.

Just RSVP saying thank you very much for the invite but we can't attend. Express best wishes and that they have the most marvelous day. Perhaps adding that you are all looking forward to seeing the pictures and hearing all about it afterwards.

MorganKitten · 02/09/2019 15:47

YABU it’s not your wedding

SoupDragon · 02/09/2019 15:55

I don't belive weddings are about the bride and groom

Well, there wouldn't be a wedding without them so it kind of is.

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