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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 02/09/2019 13:02

I don't really understand excluding close relatives because of their age. They are still family. But then I don't understand child free weddings - like children don't count as people. I've been to a few Mediterranean weddings and they are so fun and multi-generational.

But I guess it's up to the couple who they invite. If you don't think you'd enjoy it without your kids then don't go. But ultimately it can be fun to have time to be sociable as a couple rather than always to be parents. When I got married a lot of my friends opted not to bring their kids because they wanted to have a good time! Be sure you keep hold of the fun side of yourselves as adults - not just as professional parents...

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 02/09/2019 13:06

This really isn't about who is closer or has a better relationship etc, some of the other children/young people who are invited haven't even met the Bride!

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 02/09/2019 13:15

I think I’d just tick box saying I couldn’t make it and not bother with a reason tbh. Maybe say ‘hope you have a great day’ or something but wouldn’t feel the need to give any reason / excuse.

ZenNudist · 02/09/2019 13:19

YANBU about declining. Its too far and difficult to get childcare. Different if dc were invited as youd make a holiday of it. If i had 3 child free days i wouldn't spend it driving to a cousins wedding and back!

YABU to expect an invite for your dc from a cousin.

Roozy123 · 02/09/2019 13:24

@PreseaCombatir
I have a few siblings all with kids. They all live hours away from me, so I would have to pick a location i know they can all get to and stay over ... Then go to my friends who have kids and make sure they can get to that location and if not then change it and start again?? C'mon. That's ridiculous.

You pick a location for your own wedding day. If people can't stay or come that's it..
It's not about chosing your location over your guest it's about having the wedding day YOU want.

My brother lives up north- hours away from Any of us. It was a pain in the arse to take my kids (they were in the wedding) and stay in a hotel with two.little ones and my oh but what was he suppose to do... come down to me and have it there because it's easier for me and not their dream church his fiance loved?? Lol.

Bibijayne · 02/09/2019 13:27

I don't think OP is being entitled. She's not putting anything on the B&G. She's just thinking about the impact on her children.

Personally, I'd decline and go on holiday instead (you said wedding is in the holidays). Which frees up a space.

Not sure why loads of people are saying send a gift anyway. Maybe a card, but I don't think a gift is required.

Bibijayne · 02/09/2019 13:31

No issue with childfree weddings, but if you go that route you can't expect people with kids to always be able to make it.

choli · 02/09/2019 13:33

This really isn't about who is closer or has a better relationship etc, some of the other children/young people who are invited haven't even met the Bride!
That would lead me to suspect that this is specific to your children. Are they particularly badly behaved?

ineedaholidaynow · 02/09/2019 13:33

PreseaCombatir many families and friends are spread across the country if not the world, it is very hard to pick a venue to suit everyone. When DH and I got married we chose a venue where we lived, my family lived about 2 hours drive away and DH's about 5 hours away in a different direction. We paid for accommodation for close family members.

The only time I disagree with expecting people to travel miles is when you choose a destination wedding that has no connection to anyone, it is just a fancy place. You then expect families and friends to pay for airfares and accommodation for a week

whattodowith · 02/09/2019 13:34

Don’t go, I always turn down child free events.

newtb · 02/09/2019 13:35

Regarding children at weddings, between 1966 and 1976 I was a choorister at church, and don't think I can remember any weddings with children. There was enough bad behaviour from the adults, including talking at increasing volume during the signing of the church registers in the vestry. Fortunately, the organ was extremely powerful and could drown them out!

PurpleDaisies · 02/09/2019 13:39

Don’t go, I always turn down child free events.

You never go anywhere without your children?

HeadintheiClouds · 02/09/2019 13:42

I don’t believe weddings are about the bride and groom. Luckily for the bride and groom it doesn’t matter what you believe.

Roozy123 · 02/09/2019 13:44

*@ineedaholidaynow

PreseaCombatir many families and friends are spread across the country if not the world, it is very hard to pick a venue to suit everyone. When DH and I got married we chose a venue where we lived, my family lived about 2 hours drive away and DH's about 5 hours away in a different direction. We paid for accommodation for close family members.

The only time I disagree with expecting people to travel miles is when you choose a destination wedding that has no connection to anyone, it is just a fancy place. You then expect families and friends to pay for airfares and accommodation for a week*

I agree.

Cassilis · 02/09/2019 13:45

There are 8 children on our side of the family. 6 are invited. two are nieces who are in the wedding party. 4 are the same distance relation as my two who are not invited. The others are invited because they are Tots or 16+

Are the 6 invited children the children of golden children? I.e. is your DH generally excluded?

And does the same principle apply to the other side of the family?

Batcrazymum3 · 02/09/2019 13:46

I think people who say that appreciation of family events is a sense of entitlement are very muddled, I am actually quite pleased my kids think so much of family in an age when so many only care about solo pursuits or screen time. Goodness me!! Confused

I don’t think that’s what has been said at all. There is a difference between valuing family event and not understanding that you are being unreasonable when finding an issue when DC haven’t been invited to an event.
I am shocked at the number of people who are agreeing this this is an acceptable thing to get upset about.

The whole “children on a shelf” comment as well Hmm why cant it be that people understand that the B&G have made parameters on who will be at their wedding and your whole family does not fit in to those (as I’m sure others haven’t either). If you cannot arrange for you and DH to attended then don’t go. Don’t not go because you don’t agree with their guest list, then you are just being a martyr

On second thoughts…. don’t go, you will be doing the B&G a favour.

Mamabear88 · 02/09/2019 13:48

You clearly don't want to go, so don't go. But in fairness to the couple it's their big day and they are perfectly entitled to invite who they want and if that doesn't stretch to your kids that's that. Weddings are expensive and maybe they can't afford anymore guests or don't have enough numbers left to accommodate them? I think you should thank them for the invite, politely decline and send a nice gift.

fancytiles · 02/09/2019 13:58

Are your children particularly disruptive or loud? This could be the reason that they are not invited; it doesn't mean they aren't great kids but we did the same thing where kids we knew who were quite disruptive weren't invited. It is completely up to the bride and groom who they do/don't invite.

Nonnymum · 02/09/2019 14:02

I think you should just decline. I wouldn't do. Just say sorry you can't get childcare so can't make it

helpmum2003 · 02/09/2019 14:02

Politely decline without giving reason.

If asked for reason cite childcare.

Don't mention how your kids have been excluded but I wouldn't buy a gift - they clearly don't see you as 'close' so I think you're not close enough to buy a gift. Send a nice card.
Go on holiday with the savings.

PreseaCombatir · 02/09/2019 14:12

The only time I disagree with expecting people to travel miles is when you choose a destination wedding that has no connection to anyone, it is just a fancy place. You then expect families and friends to pay for airfares and accommodation for a week

This is exactly the type of thing I had in mind when writing my comment tbh.
Off the back of a couple of weddings that happened over the summer. Abroad, with no connection to anyone, then lots a passive aggressive comments about the people who cares enough to be there.
I mean, if you’re that bothered about people being there, have the wedding in a place that’s more accessible to those people!

PreseaCombatir · 02/09/2019 14:13

Pa comment about thanking those that ‘cared enough to be there’ that was supposed to say

IrmaFayLear · 02/09/2019 14:13

Your dcs are not small - you said they were a teen and a pre-teen. Quite old enough to go for a sleepover at friends if you had to or wanted to go somewhere where they were not invited.

As others have said, your dc may be the only ones not invited on your side, but who knows how many on the other side had to be excluded.

These posters trumpeting about hating child-free weddings... just how many children should be accommodated? If an old friend has four dcs, do you invite all of them? What if you have five cousins all with dc? What if you have never met any of these dc? Do you have whole family groups taking up tables? Or should no one, ever, have sit-down meals because it limits the numbers?

fancytiles · 02/09/2019 14:16

@PreseaCombatir 100% agree- I don't get having a wedding somewhere pretty like Ibiza etc for no reason at all other than it's pretty, and then lambasting anyone who can't make it (due to time off, childcare, price, etc) saying they "don't care enough". We do care we just don't have endless annual leave and money!!!

PreseaCombatir · 02/09/2019 14:16

I think child free wedding are fine, but this isn’t one.

If my relatives had a child free wedding I would totally go.
If all kids were invited I would totally go.
If they had a wedding where all family children were invited, except for mine, then I’m not going.
Fuck ‘em.

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