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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:

myself2020 · 02/09/2019 12:16

Its their right to decide who they want to see, but its your right to accept or decline the invitation. i would book a holiday and decline based on “previous commitments “

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 02/09/2019 12:16

It's entirely up to the Bride and Groom who they invite. I think in this case, they might have not thought things through but it is what it is.

We have been invited to 2 child free weddings next year and I don't think we'll be going to either because finding child care for multiple nights with an almost 2 year old and a 5 year old (by the time of the weddings) is not easy.

I'm extremely jealous of all the people in this thread who seem to have no issues organising people to look after their kids. Dh and I haven't had a night out together since dc1 was 3 months old (currently 4 and a half) unless you count the night I went into labour with dc2 and even then we had to take dc1 to hospital for part of it because we couldn't wake anyone up.

PreseaCombatir · 02/09/2019 12:23

I don’t think OP meant they won’t be fobbed off as meaning they will demand to go, I think it was rather meant that they will be upset, and that the reasoning won’t stop them being upset that they’re not invited.

It’s upsetting, especially if you’re family oriented, to realise that your family don’t care if you’re there or not. And that is how it will come across to them, especially if all their cousins are invited.

Talking of entitlement, all this ‘it’s their day’ is the epitome of entitlement imho. No one owns a day. You don’t own your guests ffs. Just take a look at the bridezilla threads. And also, In my experience, a lot of time people who have child free weddings DO get stroppy if people don’t turn up. You get, ‘why can’t they leave the kids with X,y,z’ reh reh reh.

Ooh, and people who phrase child free wedding like they’re doing the parents a favour get on my nerves as well.
Like I need your permission to have a child free night 🙄

But that’s all irrelevant, as this isn’t even a child free wedding, just one the OPs kids are not invited to.

LaurieMarlow · 02/09/2019 12:32

How is it entitled to want the people closest to you at your wedding (which may not include children of your friends/family)? For every person you include, someone gets left off the list.

On these threads, it always seems that those wanting their children to be invited are mostly interested in having a nice day out for their family.

The B&G don’t come into it and they never seem to question whether the B&G have a strong relationship with their kids. That strikes me as far more entitled.

I get that logistics can be difficult, that’s a separate point. Not going is a legitimate response.

LaurieMarlow · 02/09/2019 12:33

It’s upsetting, especially if you’re family oriented

How family oriented you are isn’t the point.

What matters is how family oriented the B&G are. They get to decide that.

PreseaCombatir · 02/09/2019 12:36

Of course they get to decide that🙄
But of course it’s going to be upsetting for people to realise that they put more emphasis on family than their family do.

If you wouldn’t find it upsetting to find a relationship you’re in (any relationship) is one sided, with you caring more than the other person, then you’re exceptionally thick skinned

PreseaCombatir · 02/09/2019 12:38

How is it entitled to want the people closest to you at your wedding
It is when you give little to no thought of the logistics of how they will get there or who will look after their children. Like I said, in my experience, people who want child free weddings tend to be VERY put out when people cite their children (lack of childcare etc) as reason for non attendance

LaurieMarlow · 02/09/2019 12:38

if you wouldn’t find it upsetting to find a relationship you’re in (any relationship) is one sided, with you caring more than the other person, then you’re exceptionally thick skinned

If you don’t realise that an adult family member might have a closer relationship with another adult friend than your child and prioritise them for an invite then I’d say you’re pretty blinkered.

myself2020 · 02/09/2019 12:41

the way i see it, inviting a couple but not their kids basically means “we had to invite you, but we don’t really mind if you come or not”. being able to easily find childcare for more than a couple of hours is quite rare.

LaurieMarlow · 02/09/2019 12:42

Like I said, in my experience, people who want child free weddings tend to be VERY put out when people cite their children (lack of childcare etc) as reason for non attendance

Not my experience at all, you can hardly go round declaring this to be universal

Movinghouseatlast · 02/09/2019 12:42

Kids at weddings spoil the whole thing by shrieking and bellowing and running round. They choose to start crying just as the vows are being said/ speeches given distracting everyone.

Parents these days tend not to tell children to be quiet or behave appropriately. It's all about the children being able to do what they wan, even if it totally ruins the ceremony.

I just went to a wedding like this. I felt sorry for the bride and groom.

bengalcat · 02/09/2019 12:42

Politely decline the invite and wish them well.

PreseaCombatir · 02/09/2019 12:44

If you don’t realise that an adult family member might have a closer relationship with another adult friend than your child and prioritise them for an invite then I’d say you’re pretty blinkered
I’m talking about the children, who OP said are very family oriented.
It must be upsetting for them to realise that they are the only children in the family who are not invited. As in, per your words, that the B&G have a closer relationship with all their cousins, but not them.

It’s down to bride and groom who thy invite, but my children would be upset if all their cousins were invited to an event and they were the only ones left out.
I wouldn’t demand they were invited (and neither is OP) but I could certainly u sweat and that their feelings were hurt 🤷‍♀️

PreseaCombatir · 02/09/2019 12:44

*certainly understand that

PreseaCombatir · 02/09/2019 12:45

you can hardly go round declaring this to be universal

Because ‘in my experience’ tends to mean ‘this is universal’ doesn’t it?

AutumnColours9 · 02/09/2019 12:45

Do what you want. Politely decline.

IrmaFayLear · 02/09/2019 12:45

It is when you give little to no thought of the logistics of how they will get there

Huh? Surely when you send an invitation you are not duty bound to curate their whole travel experience?! Sometimes people invite Auntie Jim and Auntie Mary who live in Canberra to their wedding because it is the right thing to do and obviously Jim and Mary are pleased with the invitation but regretfully decline. It is really not the bride and groom's responsibility to pay for Jim and Mary's passage to the UK and accommodation.

(Unless you are in an American film: I was boggle eyed in Father of the Bride (remake) when Steve Martin paid for everyone worldwide to attend his dd's wedding.)

bubblesforlife · 02/09/2019 12:48

I'm going childfree except for my 3 nieces and 1 nephew. One of the reasons being that I have 35 + cousins, where I'm the youngest, and if I opened those flood gates...... That's just my side of the family.
From what I gather, most parents are glad to have an excuse to get away for a night without children.

Some may struggle with childcare, but it's ok to decline, it's an invite, not a summons.

Roozy123 · 02/09/2019 12:49

It is when you give little to no thought of the logistics of how they will get there

It didn't enter my head once how my guests were getting to my wedding?
Ontop of everything else I had to plan like my guests food, seats etc how they got there surely is their choice and responsibility.

I was invited to a wedding 4 hours away- I drove because I wanted to attended. They didn't ask me once how I was getting there.
I've been invited to a wedding in Florida next year- I'm not going because of the travelling- That's not their problem.

QueenofallIsee · 02/09/2019 12:54

I hate this idea that I am a bad guy for not including all kids because they are family too - mine and my DPs first cousins have 47 kids between them...in what universe would anyone invite 47 kids that they may never have met! One of DPs cousins (invited with her husband, I’ve never met her) had a tantrum about her 6 primary school aged kids not being invited and sent a very rude message about how they are heartbroken. My wedding IS about the joining of 2 families but there are limits. We have 20 kids there and those are our own and the kids of our siblings. It’s fine to draw a line somewhere and it’s fine to decline an invitation if you don’t like the line.

ShiftHappens · 02/09/2019 12:54

I don't understand this trend of having childfree weddings but each to their own.

The hosts have every right to exclude children if that is the celebration they want so not unreasonable. But I think they also have to expect then that some people cannot make it - not everyone has family or back up to look after the DC esp for a couple of days.

Can you send DH on its own? It's not your family anyways and you don't sound too upset about the possibility of not going?

I wouldn't leave my 2 DC for 2 nights with someone else (mind, we have no family and DC1 has complex SN so all a bit different).

SistersOfMerci · 02/09/2019 12:57

Another here who thinks it's just rude to not have families children at a wedding.

Personally I think it's rather entitled of a B&G to send out children free invites and expect people to pay for babysitters etc.

The world is slowly becoming more self absorbed and weddings are just another thing to have been hit with the 'me, me, me' attitude.

PreseaCombatir · 02/09/2019 12:58

I don’t mean logistics of getting there in terms of a travel agent 😂, I meant logistics of getting there in terms of, say for example, if you know that your sister or best friend has three kids, and you are arranging a wedding away for three nights knowing that it will be very difficult for them to come, then you are essentially saying it’s more important for my wedding to be at this place than it is for you to be there.
And that’s fine. But own that you prioritise a wedding venue over the people there.

It’s more when people make their weddings into such events, then bitch about who is and isn’t there, when they have given no thought to how easy it would be for people TO BE there.

BubblesBuddy · 02/09/2019 12:59

Films are films. Not real life.

Just decline the invite. Weddings are not necessarily suitable for youngish DC and ones that require overnights are a big problem for babysitting unless grsvdoarens on the other side of the family are available.

Your DC might love family events but this isn’t one to love. Too bad, but there it is! Just say you are on holiday and go where you want with DC. It’s not the end of the world unless it’s DH’s brother, sister or a parent. Cousins and aunts and uncles are not that close.

I’ve never been to family do’s. No one has them! I invite everyone but others don’t have any celebrations at all. Therefore they may or may not be invited when DDs get married. One sister has seen my DDs 6 times. My DDs are 27 and 24. So they don’t know her and vice versa. So I suspect no wedding invite will be extended. We prefer people we know over blood relatives who are absent from our lives.

SciFiRules · 02/09/2019 13:01

Perfectly reasonable not to go, and perfectly fine to be honest about the reason too. I don't belive weddings are about the bride and groom, the fact that they want to spend their days together is a done deal, to me weddings are about family. I also don't understand people spending 10s or thousands of pounds or getting so concerned about tiny details that no one else would really notice.

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