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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 02/09/2019 10:55

Would I fuck be going.
No excuses either. I'd just say if my kids can't go then I'm not.

This is not a case of a 'no children' wedding, which I would be fine with. This is just excluding 2 out of 8 children. They must have figured this out and clearly they don't care.

Clementara21 · 02/09/2019 10:56

I don't like childfree weddings - a wedding is, after all, a celebration of love and family - but "their wedding, their decision".
Why doesn't your DH go and you stay home with the kids? That's what I'd do. He will have fun enjoying a night off from fatherly responsibilities with his extended family but your children won't be disappointed at being the only ones left out.

LaurieMarlow · 02/09/2019 10:58

a wedding is, after all, a celebration of love and family

In your eyes.

For lots of people friends are more important than family.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 02/09/2019 10:59

dh and i were once invited to a wedding approx five hours from home. The b and g invited just dh and i for the ceremony and reception but said our children could come to the night time do. They said in a letter that the children would be bored during the speeches.
our children were 6 weeks old and 3 years old.

What did they want us to do with the children while we attended the day time do?

I'm sure that actually they knew we would decline and it was just a politeness invitation but i'd rather they'd just not bothered because it was so ridiculous.

Nic555 · 02/09/2019 11:01

We had no kids at our wedding apart from nieces and nephews. You have to draw the line somewhere weddings are very expensive. I felt bad but so happy my friends and family were understanding. My friends all said they had a better time leaving the kids at home as they could relax and enjoy our wedding without having to run around after their kids. Each situation is different though if it'll make it difficult for you to attend say no. If you're only not attending because your annoyed they weren't invited I think it's unreasonable

Jurassicmuma · 02/09/2019 11:07

Don't go if you don't want to but be polite and don't complain it's their day.

I'm one of these really annoying people who absolutely loves for their kids but I love child free weddings and have only taken mine to two. Even if other kids are going I decline for mine. It's only maybe 3/4 times a year atm and I love the grown up time

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2019 11:13

YABU to think your kids should be invited, YANBU to not want to go but I think as it's your DH's family that should be his choice

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2019 11:15

No excuses either. I'd just say if my kids can't go then I'm not.

hahaha the entitlement of some people

HollowTalk · 02/09/2019 11:18

I think a no-children rule is fine, but I don't think it's fair if it's only your children who are excluded. That's horrible and I wouldn't go.

Kit19 · 02/09/2019 11:19

Yes and no....

YABU we had a no children under 12 rule at our wedding and made sure we sent out the invites with loads of notice so that the few ppl who did have children under 12 could make arrangements for baby sitting etc
The person most affected was my SiL but she said it was lovely to have a night away without the children

YANBU to turn down the invite. It’s your personal choice completely

Outlookmainlyfair · 02/09/2019 11:22

We had that - a family wedding with no children except the important ones. We went even the bridesmaid complained to us that our children were excluded but we rose above it. Others made a point of commented how odd it was but again we refused comment. I can honestly say it was their wedding their choice, but I can't be arsed with putting any effort with them.

Totopoly · 02/09/2019 11:25

elvis86, I assumed that was the case!

In addition to taking issue with people who expect others to drive for 7 hours to attend a wedding, I'm going to take issue with those who use 'invite' as a noun. Grin

Roozy123 · 02/09/2019 11:26

@AryaStarkWolf

No excuses either. I'd just say if my kids can't go then I'm not.

hahaha the entitlement of some people
^ agree!!
I didn't have children as guests at my wedding if someone had said WELL IM NOT GOING BECAUSE MY KIDS ARE NOT!
my reply would have just been ok great have a good weekend.

My day would not have been ruined or effected in the slightest by guests that didn't understand their kids were not invited 🤷🏻‍♀️
Kids aren't always invited to things- it's life.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2019 11:31

@Roozy123 yep totally agree, if people don't want to go that absolutely fine too. I don't know why people are so eager to bring young kids anyway, so much easier without them and 9 times out of 10 younger kids don't enjoy these things anyway

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 02/09/2019 11:31

This is not a case of a 'no children' wedding, which I would be fine with. This is just excluding 2 out of 8 children. They must have figured this out and clearly they don't care.

Or maybe they've been thinking of their wedding as a whole rather than the intricate childcare requirements of one cousin with teenagers.

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 02/09/2019 11:33

Someone asked how would they know about it and why would they have a sense of missing out... Well everytime we see their cousins, nan, aunties etc that's what they will be talking about... same afterwards, it will be photos and stories for ages. They aren't at the age anymore when this conversation floats by them, they are at the age when they are trying to be part of it all and learning how. For me that is way more important than learning that adult only weddings exist and sometimes you don't get to come so suck it up. As some other posters have described, this is a difference in cultures as well as budget constraints, on my side of the family it just wouldn't happen that children are not included. We have big families with all ages included in everything so they are more used to that approach, with more events happening on my side.
As I said, it's not a huge family, and this kind of thing is a big deal on the family calendar. It's just unfortunate timing age wise for my kids, but if we don't go, we will more than likely be off on holiday anyway.

I think people who say that appreciation of family events is a sense of entitlement are very muddled, I am actually quite pleased my kids think so much of family in an age when so many only care about solo pursuits or screen time.

There is no way I would go down the road of asking for a reason why my children can't come or trying to create a situation where they are invited, I would be mortified if I gave them that impression when we RSVP! I completely agree it's their choice and it's my problem to work out this out... I just need to work out how to word it so it doesn't come across funny if that's what we end up doing.
Thanks for the wording suggestions

OP posts:
Roozy123 · 02/09/2019 11:36

@AryaStarkWolf
Exactly!!
I had no children guests and my day was beautiful and almost everyone invited had kids!!! They got childcare, came and had an amazing time!!!

My brother on the other hand had kids at his wedding... So 40+ kids!!!!! I had to keep walking outside with one of mine who was kicking off because the church ceremony was a long one!!! When my OH took over I couldn't hear anything over the moaning, crying and talking of the kids...
Then the receiption there was a massive table with colouring pencils and sweets etc for the kids and a bouncy castle - no one could relax!!!! Kids running around, pulling on decorations, kids asleep randomly in prams taking up room to walk through the pact receiption, most guests missing out on speeches etc Because they were down stairs watching the kids on the bouncy castle!!
It was madness!!! But their choice, each to their own on their wedding day and if people don't want your kids there but other kids in the family are in the wedding... So what!? Clearly not that close as your kids would have been involved in the wedding aswell, no?

Kids have to learn, they're not invited to it all. Especially weddings.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/09/2019 11:38

Yanbu. Given the reasons you outlined I wouldn't go either.

JanetheObscure · 02/09/2019 11:44

OP, does your DH have a sibling/siblings whose children HAVE been invited to what appears to be his cousin's wedding (because they happen to fall into the 16+ category)?

If so, I can sort of see why your DC might be disappointed, but the bride and groom's "cut-of" is a perfectly normal one and one you should respect. As others have said, you don't know how many cousins' children there are on the other side of the family. There could be loads.

You really don't have to go and it's not going to ruin anyone's life if you don't.

HeadintheiClouds · 02/09/2019 11:47

Does anyone really imagine that telling the bride and groom “if my kids can’t go then I’m not” will result in an immediate invitation being extended to their kids? Or that the b/g will actually give a toss why they’re not going?
Fascinating, the way some people’s minds work. No wonder their kids demand access all areas and will not be fobbed off with anything less.

elvis86 · 02/09/2019 11:52

Would I fuck be going.
No excuses either. I'd just say if my kids can't go then I'm not.

Would you though, really?

Have you been invited to a child-free event and done this? What was the outcome?

Roozy123 · 02/09/2019 11:52

Does anyone really imagine that telling the bride and groom “if my kids can’t go then I’m not” will result in an immediate invitation being extended to their kids? Or that the b/g will actually give a toss why they’re not going?
Fascinating, the way some people’s minds work. No wonder their kids demand access all areas and will not be fobbed off with anything less.
(!!!!!!!!!!!!)

SpudleyLass · 02/09/2019 11:53

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but as others have said, the wedding is about the couple.

I agree with you and wouldn't go, personally.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 02/09/2019 12:03

I think it's that I come from a culture where what's important is your community and your extended family, and this includes everyone from your great-auntie who has to be wheeled in and makes loud comments, to your embarrassing uncle who does awful pissed dancing, to your nieces and nephews who are having the time of their lives with balloons and wedding cake.

Agree with this completely. I see it the same, but my ethnic culture is not English so maybe that explains why I find omitting of children distasteful. Perhaps it is a reflection of cultural differences. However, I also do think that weddings have become more 'self' focused and that's reflective of differences I have seen develop over the past 20 odd years.

People can have the wedding they want sure but others can think what they want about it too, and in this instance inviting some children and not others reflects a lack of basic consideration which is why I would not be going.

LaurieMarlow · 02/09/2019 12:03

they are at the age when they are trying to be part of it all and learning how. For me that is way more important than learning that adult only weddings exist and sometimes you don't get to come so suck it up.

Of course that’s important to you.

But believe it or not, teaching your children important life lessons isn’t necessarily top of mind for the B&G on their day.

I find your position very entitled tbh.

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