Wedding invite - no children

[FunkySnidge]

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

Slightly off the point, but I think anyone is BU who expects someone to drive 6-7 hours to their wedding.

I wondered when someone would come along to complain about this.

Isn't it quite possible that the B&G live 6 or 7 hours drive away from the OP?

Unless you and your partner live in the town that you both grew up in, have never left and only have family and friends from that town - weddings will usually involve some guests traveling, wherever you hold them.

Some people on here look for any excuse to swerve a wedding. It's so bloody miserly!

I love a good wedding - was gutted we only had one this year! Get ready to pearl-clutch, ladies - it involved a £40 taxi each way for us to attend. And we didn't object at all.

We had a child free wedding except for family children (4 children) Noone seemed to mind and got babysitters.If they had minded then they wouldn't have come which I would have understood.

Just reread and saw that you are family! In that case yanbu

This 'the day is alllll about them' motto...admittedly over the past 20 years or so weddings have become increasing narcissistic events

Oh ffs. Inviting the people you want to be there is not ‘narcissistic’. What an idiotic comment.

Slightly off the point, but I think anyone is BU who expects someone to drive 6-7 hours to their wedding.

Last year we went to New Zealand for a wedding.

I had a no children at our wedding bar our daughter and a friends child who was our page boy then 3 babies under 2 months (nieces) no other children were invited - no fuss made. Even my cousins children weren't invited and this was one we didn't really want any kids there and two it was an added extra cost and chairs and table which all adds up. It's their day and unfortunately for you, they can decide who to invite or not

Oh this again - not your day i'm afraid! I went for a no child wedding - children cost the same as adult guests and take away spaces that they can use for friends!

Either go with your husband and arrange a babysitter, or politely decline and stay home with your kids!

Maybe your husband can go alone if its his family!

What are you hoping i gonna happen your husband begs for an invite for the kids??

@ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords So if you don't want everybody to bring their children, you shouldn't be allowed to havechild bridesmaids and pageboys in your opinion?

I was on the other side of this. My daughter was a bridesmaid (very much at their request) for a cousin of my husband's. She was 4 and we also had my son who was a newborn at the time.

It was only once we got to the reception (which was HUGE, this was a very very big and expensive wedding with 100+ guests & the works) that we realised our kids were the only children there.

It was awkward and embarrassing to be the only people with children there, and also boring for my daughter with no other children to play with throughout an incredibly long day (from 9am getting ready to after midnight leaving the party).

It was very uncomfortable for us. Some other guests obviously resented us for having our kids there when they'd had to get babysitters.

They had only done it because my daughter was so little and cute.

That was several years ago and we've only seen them once since then. They had no interest in us being there as people, it was just for the photos.

Wish people would stop treating others as props for their 'shows' or extras in their 'films' and instead have events which are genuinely about having their loved ones celebrating with them. Regardless of how photogenic or noisy they are.

My wedding I invited children but only for the day part. I put on the invite they are kindly asked to leave around 4pm ready for the evening. I did however tell those with children before hand and check if there were any childcare issues and all were quite happy to have a child free evening. It's their wedding, it's all about how they want their day which of course is fine

Hi OP

You have said your kids will be the only kids on your side of the family excluded

But they cant apply one rule for the grooms family, another for the brides, and yet another for their best friends. That wouldn't be fair, imagine the other side of the family saying 'they told us no kids but look, funky's are here and they arent babies or part of the party'.

Will your kids know they are the only ones excluded eg speak to cousins?

P.S. i meant to add that I come from a Jewish family and the idea of not inviting children to a wedding is unheard of, so it was especially weird for me!

I had a child free wedding sort of! Had nieces and nephews on mine and husbands side but arranged childcare cos knew the kids would hate the meal so they was taken out for that bit to run around and have fun.

Your situation is totally different and I think pretty unkind. I wouldn’t go. No way!

What are you hoping i gonna happen your husband begs for an invite for the kids??

Always appalls me when people suggest that you'd just ask the B&G if the kids can come.

Like the guest list has been drawn up at random. Like the B&G just threw names in a hat and pulled out people's names to invite. Like there's actually plenty of space but they're leaving it to accomodate people who might ask to bring uninvited guests.

They'll have likely spent a lot of time balancing which friends and family they can accommodate. They really don't need people calling them to see if they can "just make an exception for their little angels".

Similarly I think it's really unnecessary to send a shitty PA RSVP stating that you're not going because the kids weren't invited (or something to that effect - "the cost and practicalities of arranging childcare" etc).

You really must dislike the couple if you need to have a dig at them whilst RSVP-ing to their wedding invitation. If you think so little of them, then surely you didn't want to attend their wedding anyway - regardless of whether your kids were invited or not?

and instead have events which are genuinely about having their loved ones celebrating with them. Regardless of how photogenic or noisy they are.

I think this is the salient point.

Many B&G aren’t as close to people’s children as their parents would like to believe. They’d prefer to have more of their actual, adult friends than children they don’t necessarily have much of a relationship with.

@LaurieMarlow as I said in my second post, I think it's that I come from a culture where what's important is your community and your extended family, and this includes everyone from your great-auntie who has to be wheeled in and makes loud comments, to your embarrassing uncle who does awful pissed dancing, to your nieces and nephews who are having the time of their lives with balloons and wedding cake.

All of whom might be disruptive or annoying or a bit smelly, and certainly won't look perfect in your glossy photos, and won't fit in with your rustic/underwater/Edwardian theme, but are just... there because they're part of your community.

It's a different idea of what 'loved ones' means, maybe one that is outdated to many people, but personally I prefer it to the ones where people have chosen their bridesmaids for their figures, their guest list to play the part of perfect background extras, and told everyone what colours to wear.

The photos won't look as good though. So yeah, each to their own.

But they cant apply one rule for the grooms family, another for the brides, and yet another for their best friends. That wouldn't be fair, imagine the other side of the family saying 'they told us no kids but look, funky's are here and they arent babies or part of the party'.

Um, yes they can.

You don't invite people to your wedding to speculate and comment on the guest list. If that's what you spend your time doing at a wedding, it can't be much fun. Get a drink and have a dance FFS.

I wouldn’t go and I would be honest about it.

Me too.
You have every right to decline a wedding invite, if it is not an event you wish to attend. No need to feel bad about it or dwell on it. Personally, we decline all child free weddings as it's hard to get child care, I usually feel some resentment towards the B&G (perhaps this is U!) and mostly because going to weddings costs a lot and I'd rather spend the £££ on something family orientated for all of us to enjoy. We still wish the B&G all the best of course.
((Only exception for me are evening-dos locally where it's less hassle and less expense.))

Sorry I don’t understand the whole disappointed children issue.

How will your DC know who is invited and who isn’t? Surely all they need to know is that you and DH (or just DH) are going to X and Y’s wedding and they will be looked after by Z?

Unless you already told them about the wedding in the assumption they would be invited... in which case that’s your mistake not the B&G.

Yanbu to feel disapointed or not go. If that is there cut off they have to apply to all and really can't invite your dc. I imagine the bride may have some children in her family she cannot invite too, so inviting yours would cause stress for them overall.

It's a shame for you, but personally I'd have declined on the basis of a 6 hour drive for a non sibling anyway. Even with kids. Now without it seems even easier to decline. Send an rsvp and go out for the day instead .

It's a different idea of what 'loved ones' means, maybe one that is outdated to many people, but personally I prefer it to the ones where people have chosen their bridesmaids for their figures, their guest list to play the part of perfect background extras, and told everyone what colours to wear.

You have the kind of wedding that you like and let everyone else have they wedding they want.

But it’s slightly bitchy/mean to make out that those wanting no kids are only doing it for the image/pictures.

Numbers are limited and they probably want more of their actual friends there.

Not kids they aren’t particularly close to.

I know this isn't really the point but do your DC have schoolfriends they could spend weekend with? I remember when i was 13/14 and my sister was 10/11 my parents went to a couple of weddings that took a whole weekend (6 hour drive away) so we stayed with our respective friends from school . . . loved it! Didn't bother me at all - lets be fair at that age you'd rather hang round with your friends than your embarrassing parents!
And I'm sure I had a friend stay whole weekend too when her parents had an adults only event to attend.

Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited.

It's not a childfree wedding is it, if there are other kids there and yours are the only ones not invited. For that reason I'd decline the invitation, without any 'prior engagement' rubbish, and go on holiday over the date of the wedding.

The fact that your DH doesn't want to go alone should be your guiding principle on this decision. It's not a sibling who is getting married, just a cousin and he's frankly not that bothered whether he goes or not. The ins and outs of who should be invited to a wedding are irrelevant - everyone has different criteria depending on how much money they have to throw at it, the venue they've chosen, whether they see it as two families coming together or a photo opportunity for their instagram account etc I must say I don't immediately see the logic of who is invited in this case - bridesmaids (part of the ceremony), tiny tots (don't need their own seat), but then over 16s would be charged full whack so I can only think they must closer to these off-spring than to yours. Anyway for whatever reason your two didn't make the final cut - no need to fall out about it just don't go. Write and say thanks, but no thanks and don't give it another thought.

The couple have every right to create the rules of their day. I personally prefer child-free weddings. You have every right to decline invitation but don’t make a fuss, it’s not about you or your children.