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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does my partner think it's ok to call me on my past?

139 replies

Sweetpeach3 · 01/09/2019 14:48

Met my DH when I was 17. He was 31. We had an age gap but didn't matter. Been with my DH for 6 years. 3 kids. A mortgage and good jobs.
But he always has a niggle on his shoulders.
AIBU to think he needs move the F*#k on with life as iv done nothing to jeopardise our relationship?
I personally don't think I'm a slag and this is why he always says. as I have slept with 7 people before I knew him. Yes a few was just flings but I started at 15 (as much as I regret them I can't change them!) but I know people who have done a lot worse and he constantly says I'm a slag for it and I can't change. It's been 6 years and 2 kids. Number 3 is cooking , why won't he just move the hell in with life ?? Iv done nothing wrong ???

Yes iv left him twice for around 2 months each time an gone back my mums once and second got my own house because he keeps breaking me doin this I get told night slag and just slag slag slag all day long pretty much and I don't want the kids around that and arguments. So yes I said we needed a break an he did go with someone else the first time I went my mums for a break and catch an std but we got through it as it was me who left him! But he Promises it'll stop then starts again. Iv found him on secret social media's and I did again last month. I confronted him an he denied it but I cba arguin so I left it. I havnt got any social media or anything like that it's a waste of time. Now This is him staring again after a brilliant few months. I ain't one to go drinking or meeting friends etc I havnt drank since my 18th birthday as it just isn't my cup of tea I'd rather a takeaway and new pjs lol call me sad but hey. I have 2 best friends an that is it I don't speak to anyone else but family I ain't interested I just keep me to me and it's all about the kids and family

Just don't get his problem I don't think I'm a slag or done anything wrong or have I ??

OP posts:
DameFanny · 01/09/2019 17:26

I've reported your post 'Givemehope' - victim blaming is as appropriate as your user name

QueenOfPain · 01/09/2019 17:28

This is abusive, he is trying to undermine your self worth, and if it continues you’ll eventually believe him, if you don’t already. It will take years and years to recover.

Cherrysoup · 01/09/2019 17:30

Abusive, revolting that he started going out with a 17 year old. Given he has 4 other dc, how the hell does he get to call you a slag?! You have his children, he has others from multiple women, sorry, who’s the slag? (Neither of you, but his history is awful compared to yours)

viques · 01/09/2019 17:36

you say you got your own house the second time you left? WHat happened to it? Was it a social housing? IF so and you let it go you need to get back on to them and see if they will offer it to you again. You are lucky, you have two very marketable skills , your salon work and your dressmaking. You can make a good life for yourself and your kids using these, both are things you can choose your own hours for, and work independently in.

Your OH is a sad , manipulative man. He obviously has huge insecurities and issues , the way he denigrates you and demeans you, the fact that he chooses young women who don't challenge him, both point to a man who is not happy in his own skin. You won't be able to fix him, he will carry on making you feel negative about yourself because it is the only way he can feel positive about himself. He will probably do the same to your kids, so they to grow up feeling negative about themselves too, and learn to be nasty to other people just like their dad.. After all this is probably what happened to him as a child, it all comes from somewhere.

For your sake and your children's sake you need to get out of this relationship. Imagine for a moment that in 20 years time your daughter was in a similar relationship what would you want her to do.

Rainonmyguitar · 01/09/2019 17:38

I personally don't think I'm a slag and this is why he always says. as I have slept with 7 people before I knew him. Yes a few was just flings but I started at 15 (as much as I regret them I can't change them!) but I know people who have done a lot worse and he constantly says I'm a slag for it and I can't change

It's really got nothing to do with how many sexual partners you've had in the past. He's just using this as a 'reason' to abuse you. I could almost guarantee he'd be saying the same if you'd only had one previous partner. Also, if it wasn't about previous partners, he'd just find another 'reason' to abuse you...friends, job, family, parenting etc.

Has he isolated you yet from friends and family? I see that he things he's doing you a favour by sticking you in the garage to do some work. Is that so you can't go back to work and meet people?

But I want to start making children's clothes as I'm qualified in this aswel and to be fair he's offered to set me up a little work station in the garage and pay for me a freshen up course at a shop near by so I'm not stuck in bored iv never been one to do nothing but I do feel he loves to be in control?

StormBaby · 01/09/2019 17:41

He's cheating on you and probably has bee. The whole time, he's projecting his behaviour on to you.

Kazooboohoo · 01/09/2019 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

3dogs2cats · 01/09/2019 17:55

Oh my dear. Life is really tough for you right now, with a sick child and pregnancy. I am with the others. Please leave this man while you have somewhere to go. He has been abusing you for years, it really won’t change. There is no such thing as a slag, only men who think they can fuck who they like but that women have to keep themselves pure . It’s bollocks.
Leave and don’t look back.

TitsInAbsentia · 01/09/2019 18:07

I'm with @StormBaby that he's projecting.
He's also keeping you down enough so you don't leave him for good, because you'll believe that you'll never be good enough for anyone, and that every future partner will think the same of you.

HeavenlyEyes · 01/09/2019 19:11

Weed smoking is nothing to do with his behaviour.

OP are you reading the chorus of people telling you he is an abuser? Are you understanding what they are saying and what it means about him? Please understand what is being said to you and do some reading to educate yourself.

Densol999 · 01/09/2019 19:49

I feel breathless reading your post and updates. To imagine this horror of what you are going through. Abusers are often only horrible some of the time. Its how they get their victims to stay.
Leave tomorrow
Sign on for Universal credit to include rent as that will start again next month. Claim CMS from him. You will be surprised how much you will get in Universal credit.

LEAVE
You have dont it before. You are already halfway there as you have a house to go to Flowers

BringTheBounceBack · 01/09/2019 20:42

OP I bet MN is not the only place where someone has commented on the ages when you both met.

It’s extremely grim - that is who he is, he creeps on 17yr olds.

It sounds like there’s a lot about him you don’t know.

When I was 17 I was pretty much groomed by a guy the same age, I was flattered , but looking back I’m bloody horrified I even thought it was okay. I just though everyone misunderstood me.

You do sound vulnerable, isolated and alone. You have a whole life ahead of you, it would be awful just to live it like this. You are worth more.

Genderfree · 01/09/2019 20:56

A friend of my married a guy17s older than her. He shagged everything was that walked

Sashkin · 01/09/2019 21:25

OP, how old were his other children when you met?

If he has four other kids, and you were 17 when you met him, assuming no multiples the oldest can only have been a couple of years younger than you. 12 maybe? 14? It is incredibly grim that he took up with a teenager when he had teenage kids himself.

Whosorrynow · 01/09/2019 21:42

This man is just a knuckle dragging Walter Mitty don't waste the best years of your life on him

GabsAlot · 01/09/2019 22:07

I would say i know you if it wasnt for his other kids-the person i know was with her dh from 17 he was 30 she now has 4 kids never goes out the kids are apprently home schooled because HE doesnt trust teachers and she has no job-all her friends have gone because of him its really quite sad the abuse people put up with i know its harder to see it when its happening to you

Bambamber · 01/09/2019 22:25

You have already given him more than chance to change for good, and he's nice to you long enough for you to think he has changed, and then he reverts back to the same old piggish behaviour. What makes you think this time will be any different?
Depression is not a free pass to be an asshole.

Do you have daughters? If so would you want them to stay with someone who repeatedly calls them a slag?

spanglydangly · 01/09/2019 22:39

This whole thing is so massively abusive, get out OP!

Dragongirl10 · 01/09/2019 22:44

OP most would walkaway the FIRST time their partner called them a slag...regardless of your sexual partners. He is the one who is abusive, don't waste another minute on him.

Verily1 · 01/09/2019 22:59

This is horrible and abusive!

I hope you escape.

OwlBeThere · 01/09/2019 23:01

Why do you keep going back?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 01/09/2019 23:02

Well, 7 people by 17 is a lot, i couldn't be with someone with that many previous partners, but if he had an issue with it, he shouldn't have started a realtionship with you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/09/2019 23:26

Really Almost? So if you’d fallen madly in love with someone but found out they’d had seven partners or more you’d end it?Confused

That’s really narrow minded and unfortunate.

Yeahsurewhatever · 01/09/2019 23:32

Look at any 17 year old now. Look at how young they seem to you.
Then imagine a man in his 30s getting with one of those 17 year olds

Now imagine what a 31 year old man was thinking when he got with a 17 year old 'slag'

No clue why he feels he has the moral high ground here.

He sounds like a complete prick. Doesn't matter how nice he is the rest of the time. He's a prick. Your children will grow up seeing his modelled behaviour on how to treat women and how to be treated by men.

spanglydangly · 02/09/2019 08:18

@AlmostAJillSandwich do you ask their sexual history on the first date?

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