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Original poster

Why does my partner think it's ok to call me on my past?

139 replies

Sweetpeach3 · 01/09/2019 14:48

Met my DH when I was 17. He was 31. We had an age gap but didn't matter. Been with my DH for 6 years. 3 kids. A mortgage and good jobs.
But he always has a niggle on his shoulders.
AIBU to think he needs move the F*#k on with life as iv done nothing to jeopardise our relationship?
I personally don't think I'm a slag and this is why he always says. as I have slept with 7 people before I knew him. Yes a few was just flings but I started at 15 (as much as I regret them I can't change them!) but I know people who have done a lot worse and he constantly says I'm a slag for it and I can't change. It's been 6 years and 2 kids. Number 3 is cooking , why won't he just move the hell in with life ?? Iv done nothing wrong ???

Yes iv left him twice for around 2 months each time an gone back my mums once and second got my own house because he keeps breaking me doin this I get told night slag and just slag slag slag all day long pretty much and I don't want the kids around that and arguments. So yes I said we needed a break an he did go with someone else the first time I went my mums for a break and catch an std but we got through it as it was me who left him! But he Promises it'll stop then starts again. Iv found him on secret social media's and I did again last month. I confronted him an he denied it but I cba arguin so I left it. I havnt got any social media or anything like that it's a waste of time. Now This is him staring again after a brilliant few months. I ain't one to go drinking or meeting friends etc I havnt drank since my 18th birthday as it just isn't my cup of tea I'd rather a takeaway and new pjs lol call me sad but hey. I have 2 best friends an that is it I don't speak to anyone else but family I ain't interested I just keep me to me and it's all about the kids and family

Just don't get his problem I don't think I'm a slag or done anything wrong or have I ??

OP posts:
cranstonmanor · 01/09/2019 15:47

Just easier said then done to walk an stay away with kids and be on your own after knowing this since you can remember! Don't judge until your in the shoes.

But some of us have been in your shoes. And we know it's so hard. You know what? It only gets harder and he will only get worse and in the end you will still break up and you will look back and think: if only I had walked away so many years ago, I could have saved myself a lot of misery, I could have saved more of my self esteem and mental health and I could have gone on to find real happiness earlier.

We're not advising this because we don't have anything better to do, we want the best for you because we know where this is going and you sound like a normal, nice woman.

We're just trying to get you to see that you need to leave him to become a happy and mentally healthier person. Getting through all the emotions is the next step. Yes, it's hard. But it's worth it.

AnnonniMoose · 01/09/2019 15:51

Oh honey - and I say this as someone old enough to be your mother - you're too young to have to put up with this (not that anyone should have to at any age). You have your whole life to look forward to, and you don't have to live it this way Sad.

Also - you have a DD. He likes younger girls - does this cause you any concern? It would terrify me when she starts developing and looking like a woman. I'm not saying he would go there, but it is a possibility perhaps?

Why does my partner think it's ok to call me on my past?
BumbleBeee69 · 01/09/2019 15:53

what was a 31 year old man doing with a 17 year old teenager anyway Hmm

he's repulsive OP, get yourself and your kids out of there. Flowers

DishingOutDone · 01/09/2019 15:57

So are you pregnant with your fourth child now?

BrokenWing · 01/09/2019 16:00

23, pregnant with your 3rd kid to a 37 year old abusive creep. You are still young enough to change your future and have a good life.

You had barely started to live life when you were picked out by him and don't have the experience or confidence to know it is just wrong and unacceptable when he calls you these names, no excuses. Are you still in contact with your mum, can you speak to her?

I fear at 23 and pregnant with your 3rd your original attraction (he likes girls very young) might be fading and he will become more abusive as time goes on and you don't live up to his fantasy. Keep talking to your family and/or friends who can help you see this is not acceptable.

Itwasntme101 · 01/09/2019 16:03

I'd do anythin for my kids and even for his other kids
How many more children does he have? How old were the mother/mothers of the other children when they were together?

ThatCurlyGirl · 01/09/2019 16:03

Ugh he sounds just awful.

OP how does he bring it up everyday? I can't imagine how he shoehorns it into normal, regular conversation - it sounds horrible.

Sorry you're dealing with this especially while pregnant.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 01/09/2019 16:07

Imagine your life 10 years from now! This ain't going to get any better.

Sashkin · 01/09/2019 16:08

So how old was the child he slept with while you were on a break, if she was even younger than you? He’s 37, she must be closed in age to your kids than to him. Doesn’t that ring alarm bells? Will he start perving on your daughter’s mates when they come round in a couple of years? Is he going to be one of those awful dads who leers at his teenage sons’ girlfriends and makes them uncomfortable to visit?

OP, I’m your partner’s age and he sounds like a creepy abusive paedophile, fucking young girls as soon as they’re legal. And that’s quite aside from him calling you a slag. I can’t imagine staying with anyone who called me that - if DH did that even as a joke I’d be furious and it would seriously jeopardise the marriage, and I’ve slept with far more than 7 people. Your DH sounds like he means it which is even worse.

Do you want your children growing up thinking Mummy is a dirty slag? Or your sons growing up with that attitude to their girlfriends? Or your daughters being called a slag by their dad once they start dating?

I don’t want to sound like I’m being condescending OP because we all had shit boyfriends in our teens/early 20s. But he’s dating children (and 17 is very much still a child emotionally from a relationship point of view), because no experienced woman in her 30s would entertain a relationship with him for more than two minutes.

SavingSpaces2019 · 01/09/2019 16:10

Sounds to me like he enjoys grooming young girls and then, in true typical abuser fashion, he makes them dependent on him and abuses them.
That's what he's done to you OP.

You never got to become an independent adult in your own right - he moulded you into his version of the kind of female he wanted.
He has been in control of you and your life all along.
He's not going to let go of control without a fight.

Do you have it in you to stand up to his bullying and controlling ways?

SunshineCake · 01/09/2019 16:12

You could have slept with 50 men and he still doesn't get to call you a slag. Was he a virgin when you met ?

If you still love him my advice would be leave the kids with the grandparents and tell him once and for all he's to pack it in. There is nothing to get over as you have done nothing wrong. He morally cheated on you as you are still married and I am assuming both assumed it was a break and not a separation to shag others ?

He clearly thinks he can boss you around and control you as he's older.

Don't settle for this treatment another day.

Wildorchidz · 01/09/2019 16:13

Was he a virgin when you met ?

He had 4 children

Tistheseason17 · 01/09/2019 16:15

Just sending you some Flowers

He is making his behaviour appear like normal to you.

I suspect the times he changes are because he has started a fling on the side and by verbally abusing you he feels justified in his behaviour - even though what he is saying to you is vile, untrue and unjustified. A lot of cheats are like this.

I agree you should get some counselling to help your self worth and enable you to free yourself of this cycle away from him so the children can see how a Dad/partner should behave.

Best of luck and let us know who you are doing.

doublesheesh · 01/09/2019 16:15

No normal man calls his dp a slag. Ever.

Original poster
Sweetpeach3 · 01/09/2019 16:19

@Itwasntme101 he's got 4 other kids then 2 with me and 1 on the way. The other 4 are to 3 different women and their all his age roughly. But it's strange because his daughters mum who's now 10 still try's it on with him? An she's married (I find weird) I can laugh it off now because ino he isn't anything great to be around or be with lol but wasn't nice at first x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetpeach3 · 01/09/2019 16:22

I think my best thing is to go see my councillor and clear me head an make myself feel better. Go doll myself up show him I'm not a peace of shit and make myself feel worth something as I look like a dogs bum after these stressful few weeks an when the kids go school sit down and have a proper chat that if it doesn't stop I am leaving for good. Not just a break this time he knows I'm ready t take it or leave it.
Last time On our break I was fine on my own in my house he begged me back an we've been great since we made up so he knows I will do it. Just wanted make sure I wasn't been a drama queen before I did anything drastic - I still have my own house and he knows this. I paid a year full rent in advance as I had the money so only ends next month and I havnt terminated the contract or anything yet x

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 01/09/2019 16:23

So he’s got 7 children?! Please tell us how old his ex was when they got together OP, and why they split, I imagine he might be following a pattern.

Mabelface · 01/09/2019 16:25

I hate the word slag. Old fashioned, misogynistic word because women shouldn't ever have sex with more than one person nor should it be enjoyed as that's not nice.

Balls to that. You have a past that can't be changed. Does he expect you to build a fucking time machine and go back and rectify your "mistakes"? Love, he's an arsehole and has no right to speak to you in that way, no one does. I know the thought of leaving him is really scary and you don't have to rush into anything. You should, however, think about what you want from life. Do you want to stay with a man who controls you and puts you down or do you want your future with someone who is kind, gentle and makes you feel loved and respected? Remember that your relationship is the model your children will grow up with. Just have a think. There's services out there that will help you.

AngelsSins · 01/09/2019 16:28

7 kids with 4 different women, jeez. Does he pay maintenance for them and parent them? When they come to yours, who cooks for them, cleans up after them, does homework with them etc?

Why wasn’t he paying towards childcare when you were working?

SuperSara · 01/09/2019 16:29

He sounds like a right fucking catch.

7 kids with 4 women/girls, and a vile attitude towards women. Jesus wept.

You need to get away from him, OP, as everyone is saying.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 01/09/2019 16:29

Bringing home your fav pizza when you are I’ll is a basic thing that a partner should do not a sign that he a really great partner those little things do not make up for him abusing you or giving you an S.T.D!!!! At 31 he had sex with lots of others AND CHEATED on you!!!
Leave him he is not going to get better

LadyGodiva83 · 01/09/2019 16:30

17 and 31? Grim. Please leave him. He chose you because at 31 he could control a CHILD. Urgh. I feel sick.

lemonyellowtangerine · 01/09/2019 16:30

You make an ultimatum, he will pretend to be nice for long enough for you to lose that house of yours, then he will go back to this.

He's an abuser. You were still a child when he started grooming and abusing you, of course you find it hard to see it that way or to imagine life without him. That's what he counts on.

What he's doing to you is a crime. It's a big deal.

Has anybody talked to you about the Freedom Programme? Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You say he'll know you're serious about leaving if he doesn't change because you've left before. Except you've always returned, so what he actually knows is exactly how much manipulation it takes for you to fold and do what he wants. You've returned - that tells him you'll never leave for good no matter what he does.

SinglePringle · 01/09/2019 16:33

Any man who uses the word ‘slag’ to describe a woman hates women.

It really is that simple.

He genuinely thinks it’s ok to despise women as they are ‘less’.

Do you want to stay with a man who, in his heart of hearts, despises you?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 01/09/2019 16:34

How did you have the money to pay a full years rent in advance but decided to pull child out of nursery because you couldn’t afford it ?? Sorry I may have miss understood something in your posts but that sounds really odd, surely keeping your hairdressing job going and keeping financial independence is vital if you are seriously thinking if leaving this piece of shit

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