Why does my partner think it's ok to call me on my past?

[Sweetpeach3]

Met my DH when I was 17. He was 31. We had an age gap but didn't matter. Been with my DH for 6 years. 3 kids. A mortgage and good jobs.
But he always has a niggle on his shoulders.
AIBU to think he needs move the F*#k on with life as iv done nothing to jeopardise our relationship?
I personally don't think I'm a slag and this is why he always says. as I have slept with 7 people before I knew him. Yes a few was just flings but I started at 15 (as much as I regret them I can't change them!) but I know people who have done a lot worse and he constantly says I'm a slag for it and I can't change. It's been 6 years and 2 kids. Number 3 is cooking , why won't he just move the hell in with life ?? Iv done nothing wrong ???

Yes iv left him twice for around 2 months each time an gone back my mums once and second got my own house because he keeps breaking me doin this I get told night slag and just slag slag slag all day long pretty much and I don't want the kids around that and arguments. So yes I said we needed a break an he did go with someone else the first time I went my mums for a break and catch an std but we got through it as it was me who left him! But he Promises it'll stop then starts again. Iv found him on secret social media's and I did again last month. I confronted him an he denied it but I cba arguin so I left it. I havnt got any social media or anything like that it's a waste of time. Now This is him staring again after a brilliant few months. I ain't one to go drinking or meeting friends etc I havnt drank since my 18th birthday as it just isn't my cup of tea I'd rather a takeaway and new pjs lol call me sad but hey. I have 2 best friends an that is it I don't speak to anyone else but family I ain't interested I just keep me to me and it's all about the kids and family

Just don't get his problem I don't think I'm a slag or done anything wrong or have I ??

But this isn't "all of a sudden" is it? You say he's always had this issue, you've left him twice already. He's a misogynistic arse who likes much younger women he can control.

And you say he has other children? How old is their mother?

You are worth so much more that this.

What’s he got to be upset about?

You haven’t done anything wrong!

OP you deserve so much better. It can be hard to imagine life without someone when you love them and they're all you've known, but trust me when I say that there is someone else out there who won't constantly put you down and try to control you. Someone will love you for you no matter what your past is. I'd think long and hard about the future of this relationship. It does not sound healthy.

Of course he's not always like this. He'll be nice enough often enough to keep you from leaving, and keep you second guessing yourself. It's the other 10% of the time he's bloody awful and it's abuse.

We have been so good we was making it work but since my Ds has this diagnosis it's just going sour again. And I don't want that we was so in love and happy nothing could of fased us then since this and "his head has gone" he's now turned to what it was last year.
Please don't think this is 24/7 it's just the odd times it will happen and before this it Hasn't happened for ages
like iv had the flu and he came home from work with tablets for me. My fav pizza and monopoly to play? He still makes me smile an we have fun an Them little things mean so much I just don't get why my past before him gets in the way still now ? He has one we all do but that's part and parcel to any relationship x

He’s controlling and abusive.

More kids to keep you at home.

Work from home to keep you at home.

All you’ll hear is ‘slag slag slag’.

Anyone can sleep with any number of people they want to. It’s not a stick to beat you with. I can’t even remember everyone I’ve slept with.

My DH has never even asked me.

He’s also given you an STD.

I don’t understand what there is to love there. Love makes you feel good, it doesn’t break you down, control you and make you feel bad. It definitely doesn’t give you an STD.

And why on Earth is a 31yo hanging around with 17 year olds?

If a 31yo started hanging around with my group when I was 17 we’d have thought he was rather unpleasant.

Of course he isn’t like this all the time. But the fact that is he at all speaks volumes.

If this were your sister OP, what would you be telling her?

Please don't think this is 24/7 it's just the odd times it will happen

Yeah, I expect he leaves it just enough time for you to get secure again.

Quite the roller coaster.

Why are you accepting this?

Bringing your sick partner meds and food is a really low bar OP. Are you grateful he doesn't beat you? Or that he occasionally babysits the kids for you?

We’re you the only one paying for childcare? If so, why?

He’s also given you an STD

Where does it say that?

The more you wrote the more awful he sounds.

No good father or husband would call his wife a slag frequently. Him saying it's depression is just a very feeble excuse. I bet he doesn't call anyone at work a slag.

You are doing your children a disservice bring them up in such a toxic atmosphere. Saying you wait until they are in bed is no excuse - they will have picked up on the atmosphere and hear the name calling.

To say he's good most of the time is just not good enough. He should be good all the time.

You and your children deserve so much better.

You can't imagine being with anyone else because you got together with him when you were barely out of childhood. If you had had more life experience you would know that nice men do not call their wife a slag. He is counting on your inexperience to verbally abuse you. There are thousands of decent men out there who do not and would not refer to their wife and mother of their children as a slag.

At 37 I bet he has slept with many more than 7 women. Double standards?

He sounds vile and I would not want him as a role model to my children.

And as for sleeping with someone younger than you when on a break is creepy. He obviously likes very young women and this would worry me. Eurgh.

Red flags are waving all over the place. Pull up your big girl pants, protect your kids and yourself from this sorry excuse of a man. Raise your bar. You should not put up with this.

You were 17.
He has had all of your adult years to train you to think like him.
Slag is just a stick to beat you, if you had been a virgin he would have found a different stick.
Some men are so weak they like to keep their partner barefoot and pregnant to give them opportunity to abuse.
You need to go and stay gone. For you and the dc.

Wasting your breath, folks.

She's not going to leave him.

Thank you all for your messages. I was expecting to get loads of grief from you all but thanks for the advice. I need go get counciling and get it into my own head I can do it alone and he isn't worth me and the kids. We deserve better on our own and be happy 24/7. That 10% of him calling me is a lot when added up. I need the extra 10% of family time and happy time x

You met when he was 31 and you 17? In hindsight, do you think you were groomed?

I have a family member who met her first DH when at similar age differences - he made her life hell, was a lying B, not to mention other things that would definitely out me on here. She has since moved on, carved a stable and happy life for herself and her children and finally looks like she has met her Mr. forever.

In hindsight I have no doubt she was groomed into her first relationship... im just so happy she has moved on.

Just easier said then done to walk an stay away with kids and be on your own after knowing this since you can remember! Don't judge until your in the shoes. I feel like shit as it is. I'm pregnant and hormonal with space ship nipples that I can't even get a bra to cover and my Ds is really ill and I'm chasing doctors and nurses and specialists around every min that I can aswel as sort the school to make sure they can care for him aswel. Having it super hard atm!

He sounds exactly like my ex husband, and I ended up taking an overdose as he made me feel so worthless. The sad fact is he wont change, he was on his best behaviour at the beginning as we all are, when he changed it was him showing his true colours. If you want your children to be miserable stay with him, but I doubt very much you do :-( xx

OP, it’s emotional abuse. He’s being nasty and making you feel bad over stuff you can’t change. What he’s doing is wrong and in your heart you know it. LTB is one way out, but until you can do that be strong.

he's not always like this ? He can be so so nice and great then when he has these episodes it's awful?

Sigh. That doesn't matter. Adolf Hitler probably had his nice and great episodes too. Doesn't make him a good man. It matters how he is like when he isn't in a good mood.

He doesn't respect you. He sounds vile going after teenage girls in his thirties (just wait till your kids are teens, the thought will make your skin crawl, or better yet, how do you see teenage boys? You wouldn't want to sleep with them, right? No, because they're kids and you're all grown up). Your relationship won't last.

OP you posted for advice.

Not one single person is going to tell you to stay with him. I have been in your shoes when I was a lot younger, it was hard on my own with young children but I got us away from an abusive life.

Women’s Aid can help you. tel:0808 2000 247.

Please don’t settle for this life.

There will be a huge amount of women on this site and on your thread who have left their abusive partners with young children - I am one of them. It is very possible. Not easy but better than living with abuse, better than teaching your children that this is what they should expect when they are grown.

I also did this with a terminally ill child - you owe it to your children to raise them in a home without abuse.

Did you have 3 children in 3 years with this man?

He calls you a slag?? Well, in that case he's a total bastard. Get rid, you deserve far better. No excuse.