Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wait for an apology from MIL

144 replies

Riversideview · 01/09/2019 12:28

I put up with MIL and her nasty behaviour for over twenty years. I posted here about her a few times and the overwhelming opinion was to have no contact with her. In a nutshell it was stealing, lying, threats and underhand behaviour towards me and others. She started on my son about five years ago and I cut contact.

DH hasn’t seen or spoken to her in all this time either. His choice. In fact he has seen no one from his family as they all seem to have cut him off. They all live near MIL and I think she may have had something to do with this as she did threaten to turn them against us if we didn’t speak to her.

DH remarked the other day that maybe it was time for me to “let it go”. My stance is that she owes me an apology. For what she did originally and for setting family against us. She will never apologise, she told me that five years ago. For the previous twenty years she never apologised and I “let it go”. She never. Hanged because she got away with everything. In fact it emboldened her to become worse.

DH is free to let it go. I am not going to speak to the women, now in her 70s, until she apologises. Time does not wipe out bad acts.

When I first stopped replying to her emails she wrote and said she didn’t know what she had done. So I told her. She asked again saying she didn’t know what she had done. I replied again and put details. FIL wrote to DH and said they didn’t know what they had done...

They know, they are gaslighting. They wanted us not to reply so they could say they had asked and we never replied I think. Whatever, they have not changed or they would apologise. (FIL wasn’t part of the original theft and lies and row but took MIL’s side and became threatening at the time.)

I don’t like MIl. I don’t want her in my life but I would be the bigger person, compromise, if she apologised. She is not going to apologise. Why should I compromise any further and basically let her off what she did?

She is still nasty, she is still lying saying she didn’t do anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 12:29

“She never. Hanged” should read “she never changed”!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 01/09/2019 12:32

I think it’s too late for any kind of relationship. She’s been appalling, she’s turned the whole family against you, although your dh should have spoken to them, surely, to give his side of the story?

If your dh wants a relationship with his parents, tho, it’s up to him, not you. You don’t need to have one, but you shouldn’t stop him.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 01/09/2019 12:33

You're right, you won't get an apology. So perhaps it is time to 'let it go'.

But that doesn't mean you have to 'let her off', she still did what she did. The consequence of that is she loses you, possibly her son, and her grandson. What it means for you is that you have to put the matter behind you all and move forward. If your DH still wants to see her, that's up to him. You still sound raw about it five years later, which won't be affecting her in the slightest, it'll only be bothering you. Look after yourself by moving on, staying NC and living your life happily. The best revenge is a life well-lived.

athenagoddessofwar · 01/09/2019 12:35

If she won't at least offer an apology as a starting point, I'm not sure where you could go with the 'repair'

Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 12:37

Cherrysoup he wrote to them, they ignored him.

zelda I am scared that she will start on my son if she is not sorry for what she has down. She already has on other grandchildren but their parents let her do what she likes.

OP posts:
avocadoincident · 01/09/2019 12:37

If she can't even offer any sort of apology I'd steer clear from her. Any adult can say "I'm sorry for my part in our previous problems".

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/09/2019 12:38

Leave it OP. Carry on as you are.If your DH wants a relationship with them independently of you and your children then I think thats reasonable.I would suggest they will not change and it will be the same issues maybe dressed up differently again and again.I would stay no contact..protect yourself and your children at all costs but tell your dh he is free to engage and see them when ever he likes gladly but you feel you cannot back down.Make it easy for dh to go,,no questions no animosity but keep it seperate from your family life together.I If your inlaws had wanted to make a change they would have reached out a long time ago and worked to put your differences aside for harmony but they haven't so their intentions appear to speak for themselves.They won;t apologise.Stick to your guns for your own happiness.

travellersglitch · 01/09/2019 12:42

Tell your partner he can have a relationship with them if he chooses but you and your children will not.

HotFeet · 01/09/2019 12:43

How do we know this is all lies on your part and they actually haven't done anything wrong and you're the gaslighter? 🙄

Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 12:45

Thank you all.

I have told DH he can do what he likes. He says that his “life will be hell” if he’s in touch with his Ps because they will want to see our son and I won’t agree to that. So now it looks like I’m the one being blamed. FIL already said at the time that I caused everything in the first place by complaining!

I am going to not mention anything to DH (when he said the let it go thing, I said they haven’t apologised, they need to apologise, and he didn’t say anything else). I will just stick to that line if he mentions them again.

OP posts:
elvis86 · 01/09/2019 12:47

I thought the whole point of going NC was so you don't have to spend any more time thinking about them?

YABU to spend so much time thinking about this woman when it seems you're NC and your partner is happy with that?

31RueCambon75001 · 01/09/2019 12:47

I wouldn't bother.

If you got an apology it would probably be fake, she'd be thinking 'ofgs, this is what I'm being humiliated into doing just to get access to my OWN GC''.

But she's not even prepared to apologise so she still believes she did nothing wrong.

Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 12:48

elvis It was fine for five years but then DH mentioned time to let go.

OP posts:
elvis86 · 01/09/2019 12:48

Just re-read - I thought you meant you partner just wanted you to shut up about getting an apology from someone you've chosen to go NC with. Is it actually that he wants to reconcile with his parents?

31RueCambon75001 · 01/09/2019 12:48

PS, I would stop discussing it with your DH, if he's endlessly discussing it with you that will feed into his parents' narrative that you're to blame for this but if you never mention it and all he hears is them slagging you off - the reality will be clearer.

Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 12:50

To be clear, they’ve hardly been mentioned for five years. People sometimes ask about grandparents, ILs, whatever, but DH has made no loved to be in contact for five years. They have sent messages to him occasionally saying they have done nothing. He doesn’t reply as far as I know.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 01/09/2019 12:50

You've never stopped your Dh having a relationship with them. That was his choice. He's being a bit shit now telling you that you should let it go. You are not the one wanting to reconnect with them. Tell him that he's free to see them if he chooses but that you choose to opt for a stress free life away from them, as is your prerogative. Even if she did apologise, you do realise she won't be genuine as she doesn't even believe she's done wrong. And you'll be back to square one within a week with her taking control again.

elvis86 · 01/09/2019 12:52

I'd be asking why he wants to resume contact, given everything you've said and how you've been happier in the years since you went NC? And whether he thinks that resuming contact is the right thing for your family?

Ultimately you can't stop him, but I'd want to understand his reasons.

Assuming your partner acknowledges all the things you say his mother has done, particularly around grandchildren and your son - presumably (hopefully) he'll agree that it would be irresponsible to let her have contact with your kids? How old are they? Are they old enough to decide for themselves?

31RueCambon75001 · 01/09/2019 12:52

@Riversideview have you put it to your husband, How will it be different if they don't see that they were unreasonable? If after five years, their take is that the problem was you complaining (about their behaviour) then HOW does he think things will be different? HE is just giving up!!!

He has shown them that he was prepared to cut them out for five years. That's a long time and they are his parents and it must be hard for them, but have they given any indication that they understand why this happened, or is their stance still purely that YOU caused all the problems by objecting to their lack of boundaries/respect.

Breathlessness · 01/09/2019 12:52

Your DH can choose what he wants to do. You cut contact to protect your child. Keep protecting your child.

Thymeout · 01/09/2019 12:52

There's no point in an apology unless it's sincere. You know, even if she says the words, they won't mean anything. What if she does? You'll have to accept them at face-value and she'll have the upper-hand.

I'd stop talking about needing an apology. Let DH do whatever he feels he needs to do and carry on as you are. Whether she says she's sorry or not, as far as you're concerned there's too much water under the bridge. You don't have to justify it, if you no longer have a relationship.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/09/2019 12:52

I would then if your husband is going to take that position ask him firmly why he feels it is ok to have your child laid open to abuse just to keep the peace...if he is sensible he won;t have a ready answer to give you...His obligations are to his children to keep them safe and protected from the horribleness...he will have to suck it up.They have given you their decision..they will not apologise so there is obviously no change in their attitude...they don;t deserve anything based on that alone.

SmudgeButt · 01/09/2019 12:53

I would put the past behind you. Don't expect an apology as too much time has passed. But tell her you're not happy with her previous behaviour but assume she knows how to be a decent individual now.

Allow one meeting on good terms. If it goes well, then great, have another bit of time together.

But if she steps out of line once, if she lies to you, steals from you or is nasty in front of your son then let her know it's not appropriate and she's blown her chances. Limit any time she might have with your son without you around until you know she is a reasonable adult.

Breathlessness · 01/09/2019 12:53

Has his mother had a ‘health scare’ lately?

Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 12:58

elvis86
Just re-read - I thought you meant you partner just wanted you to shut up about getting an apology from someone you've chosen to go NC with. Is it actually that he wants to reconcile with his parents?

DH just announced that it was time to let it go the other day. I presume he he had a message from one of them but I didn’t ask.

I think he meant have contact again. I think his words were “it’s time to let it go, you’re the one who won’t speak to them.” Something like that. It was sort of out of the blue but we were discussing Christmas etc.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread