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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wait for an apology from MIL

144 replies

Riversideview · 01/09/2019 12:28

I put up with MIL and her nasty behaviour for over twenty years. I posted here about her a few times and the overwhelming opinion was to have no contact with her. In a nutshell it was stealing, lying, threats and underhand behaviour towards me and others. She started on my son about five years ago and I cut contact.

DH hasn’t seen or spoken to her in all this time either. His choice. In fact he has seen no one from his family as they all seem to have cut him off. They all live near MIL and I think she may have had something to do with this as she did threaten to turn them against us if we didn’t speak to her.

DH remarked the other day that maybe it was time for me to “let it go”. My stance is that she owes me an apology. For what she did originally and for setting family against us. She will never apologise, she told me that five years ago. For the previous twenty years she never apologised and I “let it go”. She never. Hanged because she got away with everything. In fact it emboldened her to become worse.

DH is free to let it go. I am not going to speak to the women, now in her 70s, until she apologises. Time does not wipe out bad acts.

When I first stopped replying to her emails she wrote and said she didn’t know what she had done. So I told her. She asked again saying she didn’t know what she had done. I replied again and put details. FIL wrote to DH and said they didn’t know what they had done...

They know, they are gaslighting. They wanted us not to reply so they could say they had asked and we never replied I think. Whatever, they have not changed or they would apologise. (FIL wasn’t part of the original theft and lies and row but took MIL’s side and became threatening at the time.)

I don’t like MIl. I don’t want her in my life but I would be the bigger person, compromise, if she apologised. She is not going to apologise. Why should I compromise any further and basically let her off what she did?

She is still nasty, she is still lying saying she didn’t do anything.

OP posts:
Juells · 01/09/2019 12:59

She's not sorry, so she won't apologise.

elvis86 · 01/09/2019 13:01

I think he meant have contact again. I think his words were “it’s time to let it go, you’re the one who won’t speak to them.” Something like that. It was sort of out of the blue but we were discussing Christmas etc.

Does your partner agree with all the allegations you level at his parents?

Just wondering if actually he doesn't, and he's been NC to appease you?

Drum2018 · 01/09/2019 13:01

@SmudgeButt have you missed the part where op wrote to her twice and even after spelling it out, mil refused to accept that she had done anything wrong? Mil is obviously not a decent person and very unlikely to have changed - otherwise she'd have apologised by now and asked Dh and op for a second chance. If op gives in now and decides to put the past behind her, then she's opening herself and her child up to more of the same crap. Why on earth should she give them one minute of her time?

Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 13:03

31RueCambon75001 this year they sent a message saying they didn’t know what they had done. Last year it was a few threats.

I think DH gets guilty when he gets messages and the he forgets! I am hoping he doesn’t bring it up again.

As mentioned, I have been supportive to him seeing them but he won’t without me. I think I am his excuse not to see them🙁.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 01/09/2019 13:10

DH just announced that it was time to let it go the other day. I presume he he had a message from one of them but I didn’t ask. I think he meant have contact again. I think his words were “it’s time to let it go, you’re the one who won’t speak to them."

I actually think this is a bit gaslight-y and rude of him. He knows why you're NC and as a functional adult he's chosen to spend 5 years also NC, so why pin it on you?

I don't speak to MIL. She had years and years of bad behaviour that built until one day I decided that my own peace was worth more than trying to appease her. DH is now VLC and every so often asks if "we" should do x, y or z. I have to remind him that as an adult he's entitled to do as he pleases but that I just don't want to be part of it. He finds it hard to understand that NC is a permanent state, I think, and still wants to please her. That's his issue to work out, though, not mine and I refuse to back down just to keep the peace.

Your IL's won't have changed, grown or learned from this. The bad behaviour they exhibited was a conscious choice and rather than own it and apologise when it was appropriate they've spent five years crying and playing tiny violins to others about you. Why on earth would you even consider for a moment getting back in touch? Tell your DH he can do as he pleases but not to pin responsibility for their shitty behaviour on you. It's theirs, and only theirs.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/09/2019 13:21

If he does bring it up again, make it clear seeing them or not is his choice alone. If he chooses not to, that is all on him.

You are just trying to protect your DC from toxic grandparents. Maybe remind him of that.

Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 13:31

I think he acknowledges that they behaved badly to me but thinks they won’t to my son. They already have! He wants his family to know his son because he is trying to please , or rather appease, them I think.

OP posts:
MadCattery · 01/09/2019 13:33

Living well is the best revenge. Husband is right, let go, but don't go backwards! Let it go, put her in your past, and live well.

Ellie56 · 01/09/2019 13:37

Yes YABU to wait for an apology. You'll never get one in a million years from this woman. I would stop waiting and I wouldn't waste any more time thinking about her. Carry on being NC.

Tell DH he can go and see her if he wants to, but you won't be going and neither will your son.

Etino · 01/09/2019 13:37

I’m NC with an in-law, and have replied to entreaties to be the bigger person and forgive by saying I forgive him but for my self respect I won’t see him.
My DC got the measure of that particular in laws’ toxicity a few years back and can choose to see him; they’re also capable of walking away- no need for overnight stays, they can get an Uber or tube home if they’re uncomfortable.
How old is your son?

NoSauce · 01/09/2019 13:39

She’s not going to apologise. She doesn’t think she’s wrong so why would she? Just keep nc with her for your own well being. If DH wants to see them he can but you don’t have to.

Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 13:42

Ellie56 I don’t want an apology. That would mean I’d have to speak to them (in their and dh’s Eyes).

I hope they never apologise.

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 01/09/2019 13:54

If your dh wants to see his elderly parents he should and you should encourage him to go with your blessing if that is want he wants, he shouldn't need to take sides. If you don't want to see them don't. If your dh wants to take your son I would agree as long as your dh agrees to always supervise him.

Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 14:04

brokenwing I agree except for If your dh wants to take your son I would agree as long as your dh agrees to always supervise him.

DH has been in the room when MIL has been horrible to me and “never head it”. He cannot be trusted.

He was in there room when FIL called him nasty names to our son and DH said he heard but he “didn’t mind”. When I pointed out that our son would quite possibly repeat those nasty things to people ( this is what happened when MIL told another grandchild that her father was nasty, the child repeated it to everyone) DH looked shocked . He is so used to taking abuse from them that he is blind to its effects. That’s when he told them to keep away.

I would not trust him to be with them with our child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 14:06

The effect on my son would be devastating if a stranger suddenly started trying to alienate me or both of us. If MIL were ever to see my son I would have to be there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 14:07

I am going to keep quiet and see what happens. It’s hanging over me though now DH has said that. I feel sick.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 01/09/2019 14:09

I wouldn't ever speak to types like this ever again. so it's a No from me OP. Flowers

SmudgeButt · 01/09/2019 14:11

@Drum2018 - it's just so that she and the rest can move on.

And if there's any issues she can state clearly that that's why the son never visit his gran.

Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 14:18

It is not fair to use my son (who doesn’t remember them) as a guinea pig to see if they would abuse him, or us in front of him, now.

They have done nothing to show they would not just continue as before. 20 years of getting worse and worse until I finally said something. My mental health was suffering and I was having panic attacks. I don’t want to go back there unless they have changed. Change involves admitting you know what you have done, surely? Not just saying ok enough time has passed. In fact the longer the time the worse it is that they have not made moves to put things right (except for threats and many messages saying they don’t know what happened).

OP posts:
LadyRannaldini · 01/09/2019 14:31

You've never stopped your Dh having a relationship with them

You also can't stop him taking his son to see his parents, whatever your relationship with them.

Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 14:33

SmudgeButt by “move on” do you mean me just pretend to forget how awful they are and see them even though they won’t admit they ever did anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 14:36

LadyRannaldini

I would leave him if he said he was going to do that. I would fight it all be way. I saw a solicitor about it years ago and they said they would get supervised visits if DH insisted and DH said at the time 1 they wouldn’t agree to that and 2 he would never insist.

They have a record of behaviour that makes them untrustworthy around children.

OP posts:
buckeejit · 01/09/2019 14:37

I think you need to sit down & openly & honestly discuss what happened. Consider employing a mediator! They won't agree to this as they are gaslighting but I wouldn't wander back into the lions den without an honest conversation - she needs to know that you are stronger & wont be trodden over so a blatant message is necessary if you will speak again

Original poster
Riversideview · 01/09/2019 14:44

buckeejit if you mean with the ils, not just with DH, they would never agree to that. They would say the mediator was against them, stuck up, crap etc and that people who used them were “mental”, “spastic”, “gay” blah blah blah.

They obviously don’t want to have a relationship with my son, they want to control him as they did his father and as they did me for many years until I broke.

My DH says his life would be hell if we were all back in touch because I would say something when they were abusive, homophobic, racist, ableist, or talked about their stealing or whatever. Of course I would. My son has to know that this isn’t normal or right.

I think DH wants me to turn a blind eye to itball. Actually I don’t, k think he wants me to be responsible, to blame, rather than him or his parents. If I actually said “ok then, let’s meet to” I think he’d say no because I wouldn’t be able to let them be. Be abusive that is.

OP posts:
Chunkers · 01/09/2019 14:48

I personally would stick to NC. I have seen other posters recommend books - Toxic Parents or Out of the Fog - would your DH be open to reading up about this type of relationship to give him a better understanding?