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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wait for an apology from MIL

144 replies

Riversideview · 01/09/2019 12:28

I put up with MIL and her nasty behaviour for over twenty years. I posted here about her a few times and the overwhelming opinion was to have no contact with her. In a nutshell it was stealing, lying, threats and underhand behaviour towards me and others. She started on my son about five years ago and I cut contact.

DH hasn’t seen or spoken to her in all this time either. His choice. In fact he has seen no one from his family as they all seem to have cut him off. They all live near MIL and I think she may have had something to do with this as she did threaten to turn them against us if we didn’t speak to her.

DH remarked the other day that maybe it was time for me to “let it go”. My stance is that she owes me an apology. For what she did originally and for setting family against us. She will never apologise, she told me that five years ago. For the previous twenty years she never apologised and I “let it go”. She never. Hanged because she got away with everything. In fact it emboldened her to become worse.

DH is free to let it go. I am not going to speak to the women, now in her 70s, until she apologises. Time does not wipe out bad acts.

When I first stopped replying to her emails she wrote and said she didn’t know what she had done. So I told her. She asked again saying she didn’t know what she had done. I replied again and put details. FIL wrote to DH and said they didn’t know what they had done...

They know, they are gaslighting. They wanted us not to reply so they could say they had asked and we never replied I think. Whatever, they have not changed or they would apologise. (FIL wasn’t part of the original theft and lies and row but took MIL’s side and became threatening at the time.)

I don’t like MIl. I don’t want her in my life but I would be the bigger person, compromise, if she apologised. She is not going to apologise. Why should I compromise any further and basically let her off what she did?

She is still nasty, she is still lying saying she didn’t do anything.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 02/09/2019 11:05

OP,

You are a very strong woman, married to a weak man who has experienced a lifetime of abuse from his family.

You need to protect your son.

Protecting your son means you must protect yourself.

Your MH is at risk if you reconnect with these people.

You need to be strong again, in the face of your husband deciding he wants to forget about the past and move on.

You know your husband doesn't have your son's, or your best interests, at heart

He wants an easy life.

You need to kill this now, with an emphatic statement to him, that you and your son will have nothing to do with his family.

Tell him this is not going to change and he needs to accept it as you will not be changing your mind.

Get your ducks in a row.
Prepare for worst and hope for the best.

But, do not back down.

The cost of you backing down is to too great for your son and yourself.

You can do this.
Best of luck.

Original poster

Riversideview · 02/09/2019 11:05

If I am forced by law to let DS are those people, they will make racist, homophobic, ableist remarks in front of him. MIL told 18 month old DN that “people pissed themselves” when playing bingo. She repeated that and similar at nursery. She was ostracised for the language etc. Who wants their toddler to pick up hay sort of stuff? Then when older she announced that her daddy was an abuser. The ds were called. You can imagine what happened. (Ex)BIL was guilty of nothing except walking out on SIL when she slept with their next door neighbour but MIL taught the children parrot fashion.

I am not putting my son through that without telling him that we don’t use that sort of language and walking out. How else can I protect him?

OP posts:

Original poster

Riversideview · 02/09/2019 11:07

Thank you Billy and Bookworm.

If I leave H will get custody part of the time. He will be tricked or give in to his parents and their “we don’t know what happened” crap. He’s already spouting it and denying what happened .

OP posts:

Original poster

Riversideview · 02/09/2019 11:08

Basically I’m waiting for them to die. Not wishing them dead, but waiting for that day

OP posts:

Original poster

Riversideview · 02/09/2019 11:40

They already started on my son. I told them not to call DH names, not to use words like pedo and nonce around my son, and the reaction was denial or “we can do what we like”.

DH says they are uneducated ( as if that made you vulgar 🙄) but if it was truly not knowing what is offensive, when someone said don’t say that to my son, wouldn’t you just stop saying it? They didn’t. They said they would do what they wanted and called me names.

DH is now saying those words are not too bad. 🤮

OP posts:

SurfingGiantess · 02/09/2019 11:58

If it was me I'd probably tell him it's time to seek marriage counselling. If he refuses I'd leave because this will break you sooner or later.
Once separated I'd seek legal advice 're ds and him letting them see him. You have evidence so this might mean he can't bring him to see them.
At least ds would have one safe home with you. This is a really difficult situation to be in.

justilou1 · 02/09/2019 12:38

I think H needs his own counselling, frankly.... he sounds broken. He’s turning into his mother.

Original poster

Riversideview · 02/09/2019 13:39

Maybe I should say that if he wants us to have contact with his Ps we have to go to counselling? He may go and he may learn something...

OP posts:

Original poster

Riversideview · 02/09/2019 13:39

He is turning into his mother, and his father. I realised this a while ago.

OP posts:

Juells · 02/09/2019 13:42

Maybe I should say that if he wants us to have contact with his Ps we have to go to counselling?

That's a good idea - and at least somewhere to start. It's dreadful when you feel hopeless about a situation.

BookwormMe2 · 02/09/2019 13:43

I would definitely suggest that you go. He needs to understand why you are so concerned about them being around your son.

Original poster

Riversideview · 02/09/2019 13:50

Thank you all.

It will also buy me some time because 1. He’ll agree to counselling but be loathed to spend the money. 2. He’ll never get around to it (he’ll have to make the appointment because he has a history of “forgetting” if I make appointments) for ages if at all.

So ball is in his court and each day is a day without them.

Now my decision is so I tell him now or wait until he mentions his parents again?

OP posts:

BookwormMe2 · 02/09/2019 14:06

I would tell him now. Sit him down and say as calmly as you can that you do appreciate he must find it difficult being estranged from his family and for the sake of your marriage and your son, you are willing to explore whether some contact is possible. But - and it's a big but - this will only happen if he agrees to counselling so that you are both united and strong on how to handle them when you are back in touch. He needs to understand that you feel your reasons for going NC were entirely valid, but you're willing to discuss it. Good luck!

Original poster

Riversideview · 02/09/2019 14:25

Thank you

💐

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 02/09/2019 14:28

I am not going to speak to the women, now in her 70s, until she apologises – why would you speak to her ever again? Has she changed? Will she be lovely to you all from now on?
NO!!!!!! So stay no contact.

“it’s time to let it go, you’re the one who won’t speak to them.”
NO DH I won’t speak to them but I have never ever stopped you doing so.
I’m more than happy for you to reconnect with your family but I am not going down that road again – EVER!

He’s now said why can’t we just move on and have a happy life
We can. As long as myself and DS never have to have any contact with your parents.

Has he done some reading OP?
Get him to google 'FOG - fear obligation guilt.

He should also read THIS BOOK

Don't cave OP.
I don't think you will but your DH is too weak.
He needs to toughen up.

Highgateyurt101 · 02/09/2019 14:29

Riversideview - I don't often post but I am in a very similar situation, to the point where I could have written your post almost word for word!

I too have extremely difficult in-laws who have behaved in similarly upsetting ways - very much making me the family scapegoat and blaming me for all the problems in their relationship with their son. Similarly, DH also cut contact with them for a good few years on the back of their appalling behaviour - they have not seen our children (their grandchildren) for several years now, and I have had no contact with them whatsoever.

As time has gone on, DH has tried to resolve things with them. They are getting older, life is short etc etc - while he says he can't ever forgive them for how they have behaved, he also wants to build bridges.
I've been open to this, but with the condition that if his parents are to be in my presence, they need to reach out to me in advance, apologise first and let me know that they are willing to move on. Unsurprisingly, they refuse to do this - and as another poster pointed out "if they havent reached out to say sorry, they are not sorry".

This is fine by me - I've long since stopped giving a shit - but it is hard for DH. While it's very easy to advise 'DH has a relationship with them but you stay out of it" - it's not so straightforward I know. DH has been so hurt by his parents and there came a point when it seemed as if he started to direct that anger and pain towards me - understandable I suppose, but not acceptable. It got to the point where I became utterly sick of it and told him that he needed to sort out how he handles the situation. One thing I said which seemed to REALLY resonate with him was really simple - 'You can't control how your parents behave, but you can control how you treat me in this situation.' Things have seemed much more harmonious since then. I have no idea when he last contacted his parents, or what the future might hold (as people enter old age, things are rarely straightforward) - but for now, we're keeping the focus on our own happy, healthy family. Hope this is helpful. I know how hard it is xxx

Original poster

Riversideview · 02/09/2019 15:22

You can't control how your parents behave, but you can control how you treat me in this situation.

OMG thank you Highgate

OP posts:

NearlyGranny · 02/09/2019 15:32

I'd agree with your DH that you can 'let it go' now. In fact, I'd be inclined to tell him you have, ages since. But letting it go is a very different thing from letting her back in to interfere with your life again. Holding on to resentment and nursing grudges would harm you, but so would giving her an invitation to misbehave all over again! Letting go just means forgetting the hurt and getting on with life, as you have clearly been doing.

If he wants contact again, that's up to him, but you would be both wise and reasonable to insist it happens outside your home and does not involve you or the children.

Your choice here isn't binary.

justilou1 · 02/09/2019 23:11

Another thing you could do for extra insurance is to re-instill the safeguarding policy of “No secrets in this family.” This was taught to me by a policewoman to protect my kids against predatory adults, but it also helps them avoid situations where they have one parent playing them against the other, or in this case in parent and two grandparents. I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband has been sneaking your kid off to his parent’s place or has the intention to do so. If you start teaching your son to parrot “We don’t keep secrets in our family.” You’re going to find out about it.

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