AIBU to wait for an apology from MIL

[Riversideview]

I put up with MIL and her nasty behaviour for over twenty years. I posted here about her a few times and the overwhelming opinion was to have no contact with her. In a nutshell it was stealing, lying, threats and underhand behaviour towards me and others. She started on my son about five years ago and I cut contact.

DH hasn’t seen or spoken to her in all this time either. His choice. In fact he has seen no one from his family as they all seem to have cut him off. They all live near MIL and I think she may have had something to do with this as she did threaten to turn them against us if we didn’t speak to her.

DH remarked the other day that maybe it was time for me to “let it go”. My stance is that she owes me an apology. For what she did originally and for setting family against us. She will never apologise, she told me that five years ago. For the previous twenty years she never apologised and I “let it go”. She never. Hanged because she got away with everything. In fact it emboldened her to become worse.

DH is free to let it go. I am not going to speak to the women, now in her 70s, until she apologises. Time does not wipe out bad acts.

When I first stopped replying to her emails she wrote and said she didn’t know what she had done. So I told her. She asked again saying she didn’t know what she had done. I replied again and put details. FIL wrote to DH and said they didn’t know what they had done...

They know, they are gaslighting. They wanted us not to reply so they could say they had asked and we never replied I think. Whatever, they have not changed or they would apologise. (FIL wasn’t part of the original theft and lies and row but took MIL’s side and became threatening at the time.)

I don’t like MIl. I don’t want her in my life but I would be the bigger person, compromise, if she apologised. She is not going to apologise. Why should I compromise any further and basically let her off what she did?

She is still nasty, she is still lying saying she didn’t do anything.

It does look as if he would, yes. I think you need to get to the bottom of what's prompted this conversation about seeing them. Put aside your feelings for a moment and don't issue any threats about leaving, just calmly ask your DH to explain where this is all coming from. You can't deal with the situation if you don't know what the situation is.

@Riversideview so sorry to you aswell 💐

I got police involved about 6 years ago now when they were turning up on our doorstep every other day, when we wouldn’t answer they started banging on my parents door. Then they turned up at our work places.enough was enough and we had an officer take a statement and paid them a visit. They still now try their luck every so often but we ignore and log on the file with the police.

Is this behaviour typical of your OH? Or is it a sudden change in personality? Seems so odd after five years to suddenly start this! Has he always been ok with NC before now? I’m thinking maybe they have gotten in touch with a sob story and something designed to tug on his heart, he’s angry or whatever but taking it out on the wrong person.

Stay strong, keep talking on here, and if you ever need to rant or just a chat with someone who understands please feel free to PM me. X

Thank you all so much.

DH always said that HE would like a relationship with his parents one day but understood that I would not. I actually left him for a while years ago over this and he begged me to come back. He had made nasty comments to me since cut off, the sort of thing his mother used to say, and once said that he was going to quit his job so we’d have no money, no idea why he said that. I have a tape of him being angry tonight.

I said to him that it was a threat him saying he wanted ds to see them. He said he didn’t understand why he couldn’t. I reminded him of a few things that they did and he told me to go away. He then said that I’d die before him (I’ll health) so he could do what he wanted.

How old is your son OP?

DS is nearly 6

Wow ur OH is being extremely childish and out of order. I think his true colours are coming out now. I would use all my energy into protecting my child the best I could. For me, his words tonight would be a deal breaker.

Oh my fucking god what a cuntweasel

Time to get tough and time to separate I think. He needs a sharp shock to realise what he stands to lose.

Can you get all your documents safe?

What to include in your safety packing list:

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

That's not something I'd want to hear from my dh.

Agree to email evidence ASAP. Do not engage. This is mad.

I think you and DH need to see a counsellor ASAP! Is there any chance of that? There are some VERY big problems in your marriage - including repeated patterns of abusive behaviour, unspoken feelings, resentment, etc. Letting sleeping dogs lie causes huge holes emotionally. You're finding this out. Do you think your solicitor has copies of the evidence you had against the IL's from previous?

He DOES realise no Court will hand a Child over to a man who threatens or coerces a Mother to get his own way right ? So let him rant rave threaten and record it all... then walk with your Child OP

He may think he's deleted the evidence but just because he can't see them foesn'mean they're gone for good. Email and other 'deleted' data can sometimes be retrieved from the depths of hard drives and the pulled from the Cloud. Have you got any techy friends?

BumbleBeee69

How will they know though. It’s his word against mine. I have a video of him tonight being angry. I have emails from his parents threatening to do something but they don’t say what. I have a sort of diary of other stuff the ils did and when DH said he’d quit his job.

We saw a counsellor year ago when I left. He wouldn’t go back because the guy thought he was a “ show off” or something . I don’t know what was said as he saw him then I did.

Unfortunately my husband is the techy one, it’s his job

See a lawyer fast.

Well if he's a techy one then you need to secure your online stuff immediately.
Don't use shared computers/ipads etc, get your own and lock it down with a password.
He could have easily installed keylogging software on your shared computers, so your every key stroke is recorded - including any password changes.

He’s now said why can’t we just move on and have a happy life.

He’s had wine. He’s sleeping in the other room, I have ds with me. I went through to carry sleeping ds through and husband said that.

He brought me a glass of wine, I don’t want it, and said he just wants to be happy.

He can't have it both ways OP. He can't bully manipulate and threaten you, then plead woe is me. A glass of wine and everything is alright, until the next time..

Reading the thread back in the cold light of day, I think your DH sounds completely messed up. That's not in any way excusing his behaviour last night - he was being a dick and the deleting emails and saying he'll go against your wishes by taking your son to see them is all deeply troubling. But as much as you don't want to hear it, these are his parents and he obviously misses them, flaws and all. He's supported you by going NC for five years but his son is growing up not knowing them at all and it must be making him sad. At six, your son is presumably a wonderful little person in his own right now and I bet your DH has been wishing his family can see what an amazing child he is and that's what's sparked all this. His "why can't we move on and have a happy life" comment certainly suggests he wants the NC to end.
That's not to say he's ignoring what you've suffered though - it's obvious your DH knows how awful they've been towards you and that's why he hasn't gone behind your back to see them yet, he's just testing the water. But he's minimising their behaviour in his head now - hence him deleting the worst of the messages – because deep down he hopes one day soon you'll be one big, happy family again.
I honestly don't know how you move beyond this as a couple. Your OP said you wouldn't entertain seeing his parents unless your MIL apologised but as the thread went on your stance totally hardened and it's clear now that you aren't going to budge even a millimetre to allow his parents back into your life or your son's. So, ultimately, your DH is going to be forced to choose between you.
If he stays with you, your DH is never going to be 100% happy because he misses his parents and wants his son to have a relationship with them. You'll have to live with knowing that. If he decides to end the estrangement and you leave him because of it, an ugly custody battle seems inevitable as you fight to stop him taking your son to see them. I don't think you'll win unless you can prove your son is at risk of physical and emotional harm from them. Emails that don't actually make specific threats probably won't to be enough to prove that, although a judge may agree to visits being supervised by a third party.
So, is it worth you seeing a counsellor alone to try to get a perspective on how you and your husband can deal with this, so if you do separate it doesn't become a horrible, nasty legal fight in which your son is piggy-in-the-middle? Because I really hope you can find a way through this in which he's not collateral damage.

I think you’ve summed it up perfectly Bookworm.

Before he met me he didn’t see his parents much. MIL is a controller and she followed him to various places, invited herself to stay, and fellow students mocked him for that. So he started telling her nothing about his life. Strangely it was me who facilitated their relationship 🙄. Very quickly I realised what MIL was and tried to step back but they turned up without asking, lied to make us go to events (I soon caught onto that one) and soon MIL realised I was onto her and I was under attack.

I put up with it for years and then it made me so ill that husband saw them on his own. Then we had DS and I saw them again and they attacked with both barrels telling me that they had rights over DS etc. Cut off again by me came soon after and husband followed because (I think) he couldn’t handle them on his own. He knew they would bully him to try and get to Ds. They always ridiculed him anyway but I was the buffer for that and would stop them. Without me there they would eat him alive and he knew that deep down.

He wants to play happy families but he hasn’t got a happy family. His parents are nasty. His siblings are nasty. His family obey MIl and now don’t speak to him. If MIl gives the word they will speak to him again. Pay! Who wants that sort of relationship? But h knows no better.

I don’t know what to do. What he wants doesn’t exist. And I’m getting the blame because without me they can all pretend. I’m the truth teller.

I remember H asking me why when I said that MIL couldn’t just turn up at our place without an invitation. He remembers turning up all over the place, suitcase in hand, as a whole Family, MIL, fIL, him and all his siblings! He thought it was normal. I asked him if he ever knew anyone else to do it, had anyone ever turned up like that at his p’s house, and he said no. It began to dawn on him that this wasn’t normal.

He still doesn’t see that sort of thing as bullying though. MIL actually caused a row between two relatives by turning up on their doorstep and they split up for a few weeks over it. Tellingly they got back together when MIL’s relative agreed that it was not right that she had been allowed to stay when she just turned up and they wouldn’t let her in the door if she did it again. How many marriages have to make a pact like that over a MIl? It’s ridiculous.

My best bet to stop them getting at ds is to stay with H and if he mentions again that his Ps should see him, insist that I am always thee. At least until he is old enough to make up his own mind (and they are elderly). I will make life uncomfortable for them and let them know they will not be controlling me at all. If they are rude in a public place (they always are) I will leave. If they are rude to me (usually are) I will leave. They better walk on eggshells.

Or maybe I’ll just refuse to see them at all and he can take me to court. I’ll be ruthless.

I think H is messed up. That is partly his fault though. He threw me under a bus for years, rarely defended me. Now look at the mess because of it. I had to defend myself and I took no prisoners.

Silly man.

My best bet to stop them getting at ds is to stay with H and if he mentions again that his Ps should see him, insist that I am always thee. At least until he is old enough to make up his own mind (and they are elderly). I will make life uncomfortable for them and let them know they will not be controlling me at all. If they are rude in a public place (they always are) I will leave. If they are rude to me (usually are) I will leave. They better walk on eggshells.

If the compromise of staying in my marriage made me sound as combative and, sorry to say, as aggressive as you do here, I don't think I'd stay! Life's too short to be eaten up by such negative emotions, to be on eggshells yourself, waiting for it all to kick off with them. Your fault or not, do you seriously want your child to be witness to you being like this? Or, to put it another way, say your DH has been conditioned by his childhood/parents' behaviour - what do you want your son to be conditioned by?

I don’t know anymore. There is no right way to be with people like this. They are abusers.

Leaving means there is more of a chance they will get to my son though. Maybe I muddle through and hope they can’t do any damage soon because they are elderly? DH seems to be becoming more like them every day though.