AIBU to wait for an apology from MIL

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I put up with MIL and her nasty behaviour for over twenty years. I posted here about her a few times and the overwhelming opinion was to have no contact with her. In a nutshell it was stealing, lying, threats and underhand behaviour towards me and others. She started on my son about five years ago and I cut contact.

DH hasn’t seen or spoken to her in all this time either. His choice. In fact he has seen no one from his family as they all seem to have cut him off. They all live near MIL and I think she may have had something to do with this as she did threaten to turn them against us if we didn’t speak to her.

DH remarked the other day that maybe it was time for me to “let it go”. My stance is that she owes me an apology. For what she did originally and for setting family against us. She will never apologise, she told me that five years ago. For the previous twenty years she never apologised and I “let it go”. She never. Hanged because she got away with everything. In fact it emboldened her to become worse.

DH is free to let it go. I am not going to speak to the women, now in her 70s, until she apologises. Time does not wipe out bad acts.

When I first stopped replying to her emails she wrote and said she didn’t know what she had done. So I told her. She asked again saying she didn’t know what she had done. I replied again and put details. FIL wrote to DH and said they didn’t know what they had done...

They know, they are gaslighting. They wanted us not to reply so they could say they had asked and we never replied I think. Whatever, they have not changed or they would apologise. (FIL wasn’t part of the original theft and lies and row but took MIL’s side and became threatening at the time.)

I don’t like MIl. I don’t want her in my life but I would be the bigger person, compromise, if she apologised. She is not going to apologise. Why should I compromise any further and basically let her off what she did?

She is still nasty, she is still lying saying she didn’t do anything.

In the sense that she's never going to apologise to you, YABU expecting an apology even though it sounds like you throughly deserve one.

I think living well and with dignity without her in your life is the best response. Ultimately, she is her own worst punishment, I'm sure she doesn't have a very happy life with all that nastiness and negativity.

Well he can't have it all ways. So he can go and see them if he wants but he can't expect you to go.

Let him make his plans and then you take your ds out. If he doesn't like it then tough. He needs to grow a spine and stick up for you and his kid.

I had a similar situation with my DH falling out with my stepfather and going NC with him and DM. To be honest I was relieved that I would never again have the stress of being in the same room as the pair of them together. It was sad that it happened, but I would never have insisted that DH 'let it go'.

As mentioned, I have been supportive to him seeing them but he won’t without me. I think I am his excuse not to see them

If it comes up again, put this to him. I have no memory of my paternal grandparents and as a late teen I was told the full story. My dad was right to cut them out - I am grateful he protected me.

They also stole from him and compounded it by having various family members perjure themselves in court.

if they havent reached out to say sorry they are not sorry.so anything you get them to do wont be meant and so they will soon start or continue the same old behaviors.
they still sound vile and i dont think anything good can come from going further with them.why just for the sake of coprimsise should you have your life turned to shit again

If you left your DH for taking your son to see them against your wishes, you'd be making it even easier for him - on his days for shared custody, he could take your son wherever he liked.

They sound like awful people and I don't blame you for not wanting to build bridges, but it must be very hard for your DH being stuck in the middle of the estrangement.

Sounds like you can't win OP :-(

You know the situation better than anyone else and the impact she has.

I am NC with my mother and sister and time does not suddenly make someone's character change completely.

Personally, I'd stay NC.

Thank you all. The support is helping.

Weezol my situation sounds very similar to yours except the relatives didn’t perjure themselves in court over my case, over another case though.

If you can afford it, OP, could you and your husband have some couples counselling on this? Because it doesn't sound like you're on the same page, and whatever he is feeling, it has to hurt and be harming him, and it can't be great for your marriage either. If you have some counselling together then you could talk all of it through, and hopefully reach an agreed way of thinking about, and addressing, it all that you can each live with more happily.

Hi OP

I think YABU to wait for an apology, as in, they sound so nasty and over such a long time that it would clearly not be genuine. Dont put yourself in a situation where they can say one little word without meaning it and then you are forced to see them.

It sounds like your husband is so used to them he cant see how awful they really are and has forgotten the reasons you fell out.

If it was a one off incident then yes you can let something go, but if part of the reason you cut them off was because they were generally nasty and abusive then it isn't actually a case of 'letting go' if you just dont want to see people because they are nasty and abusive and dont being anything to your life

I think I need DH to say that he didn’t mean I had to let it go as in let them abuse me again. How is the next way to do this? Just ask him? I can feel
Myself getting unwell now. I’m scared.

There is no need to be scared. You are a grown woman who decides who to have relationships with. I really think you need to be firm with Dh and tell him that he is obviously free to see his parents but that you are not going back to that stressful life. You have moved on and no doubt were quite happy until Dh had to go and drag it all up again. He's the one who needs therapy to enable him to see how fucked up his parents are. You don't have to have a big discussion. You just tell Dh that your feelings on the matter have not, and will not change, so to stop bringing it up in conversation.

Thanks drum. I’ll speak to him tonight.

I spoke to him. He says I have overreacted by not speaking to them for this long and so now I am causing the rift.

I think they have got to him somehow.

Yikes. He actually said he thinks you're overreacting? How did you respond?

You need to stay strong. And unfortunately, if his parents are giving him hell then you might ALSO need to give him hell - I.e. if he’s going to get trouble then it can either be with them or with you.

I’m sorry you’re going through this

bookworm I asked him to take it back.

He said no about six times so I walked away. He then said if I didn’t mention his parents again he would take it back.

Something has obviously happened.

He says I have overreacted by not speaking to them for this long and so now I am causing the rift. I think they have got to him somehow

They 'got' to him when they were bringing him up.
They conditioned him to view their behaviour as normal.
They created trauma bonds with him when he was just a child.

Being with you and creating his own family, he's seen another side of 'normal' which he prefers.
He went NC with them all because he was at risk of losing his wife and child - and maybe because he actually prefers a drama free life.
Either way, he sided with the person who had the most 'power' and 'shouted' the loudest.
He wasn't strong enough in himself to make a proper decision, so chose to stick a plaster on the wound hoping it would heal/go away over time.

Unfortunately, they did a pretty good number on him growing up and those trauma bonds are very difficult to break.
He naturally wants to be 'in' with his family, but knows if he goes alone he will get hounded about you and ds.

He wants you to be 'ok' with it so they direct their toxicity on you instead of him, which would leave him 'free' to be 'in' with his family.
You're the scapegoat.

His parents sound like die-hard narcissists.
Your DH would benefit from some proper trauma counselling.
Otherwise his cognitive dissonance where his parents are concerned could ruin your relationship.

He then said if I didn’t mention his parents again he would take it back.

Are his parents a regular topic of conversation between you then? Is he fed up with you going on about the situation? Just wondering what he meant by that.

BookwormMe2 no! That’s why I think something has happened. Something he expects me to mention or react about I guess. I think he’s trying to silence me before I even find out.

Has he been out alone in the past few days? Is there a chance they've met up??

He’s just been away with our son, overnight. I didn’t go but they went to an event to do with his hobby. I don’t think he’d dare see them without telling me because my son would tell me. My son knows not to keep secrets. He buys a mother’s day gift and walks in the door and tells me he has a secret and then what it is!

Kids can be persuaded to keep secrets. I wouldn't ask your son outright as it could trigger an almighty row, but I'd definitely fish to see if they "ran into anyone unexpectedly" and see how he reacts.

🙁