Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who has a say in wedding guest list?

105 replies

victorioussponges · 01/09/2019 11:57

DP and I have just booked in our wedding for next year. We met up with both sets of parents yesterday to take them to the venue as DP's parents were keen to see it in person.

Over the course of the day DP's DM told my DM that she was very surprised that we had not yet shown her our guestlist and was wondering when we'd ask her about it.

Are DP and I BU to have not considered consulting others on the guestlist? It's not that it's a huge secret or at all controversial! We have both had general conversations with our parents about who we'd invite in terms of family and friends of family but all seemed fairly straightforward so didn't think we'd need to properly check.

I know things can become more complicated where others are paying for the wedding or making a substantial contribution - there seems to become a greater expectation that they will have a say in decisions - but we have made it clear that we're intending to pay for it ourselves.

Have we missed something here and been a bit rude?

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 01/09/2019 12:02

We paid ourselves and we decided the guest list. We did offer each of our parents a few spots for their friends though, but we had final say

EllC · 01/09/2019 12:04

Wtf? You don't have to check with your MIL about who you're inviting to your wedding. She's presumably been married herself, she's had her turn at deciding who to invite to HER wedding, she doesn't get a say in yours.

NavyBlueHue · 01/09/2019 12:05

You pay, you choose. Simple as that.

Hadjab · 01/09/2019 12:07

The couple who are getting married get the say.

SpoonBlender · 01/09/2019 12:07

It's your guest list - you and DP. Anyone else can give suggestions but that's all.

Anyone who gets twatty about it, cut them out of the planning entirely.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 01/09/2019 12:09

The people who get to decide who comes, are the people whose wedding it is. No-one else! I don't think it matters who is paying to be honest.

Jurassicmuma · 01/09/2019 12:09

This was a (the only) sore point of my wedding. I wanted a really small do but my husband wanted it bigger. In the end we were having 80 and my mum expected it to be split 40 dhs friends and family and 40 mine. I didn't want to invite all my cousins and just wanted friends and close family so was happy for the split to be 50/30. My mum wasn't happy and wanted to start inviting people I didn't know to make up numbers. This would have also meant dh couldn't invite some of his cousins he really wanted there. Even now she still goes on about it 5 years later. Mil also wanted to start inviting her friends and said it wasn't fair that my mum had some friends there and couldn't understand that if she wanted friends then some family would have to be dropped. My mum only had a few friends because I wasn't having family. The whole thing did my head in. Invite who you want!

kenandbarbie · 01/09/2019 12:10

I think if you're paying for everything yourself it's up to you who to invite entirely.

Pinkyyy · 01/09/2019 12:10

The bride and groom choose.

The only time I can see anyone else having a say is if perhaps your MIL had made a significant contribution to the wedding and asked if Jane from bingo could come. Failing that, it's nobody's business, whether they give you money or not.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 01/09/2019 12:10

No-one should get a say whether they are contributing or not, it's YOUR wedding

Cherrysoup · 01/09/2019 12:12

You paying? You choose. If they’re paying, then parents get a bit of a choice, I’d say. Traditionally, parents were in charge of the guest list, but that’s very outdated.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/09/2019 12:13

Honestly I think if your parents pay a substantial amount then they should be allocated a certain number of spots they can fill. But equally I think they should consult with the bride and groom about how they fill those spots, and decline to fill them unless there are people who they really really feel should be invited. It’s about respect and courtesy both ways

In your situation where you are paying you get to choose. It sounds like you have been respectful and courteous by having a general discussion with both sets of parents. I don’t think you need to do anything else
Is it possible people are asking her and she wants to know what to tell them?? If so your DP can just tell her to say that you and he are paying so it’s up to you.

Otherwise just ignore

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/09/2019 12:27

How old are they? I ask because when my mum and dad got married my grandparents organised it and decided on who was being invited. It was just how it was often done, it wasnt considered unusual at all. They were told how many friends of theirs they could invite and both sets of parents divied up the rest of the places between them. But then, my grandfather footed the bill, as was also usual then. If they are of a similar age to my parents (mid 60's) perhaps they are used to doing it that way too.

These days, you pay, you choose.

yomellamoHelly · 01/09/2019 12:31

We paid, so we chose. No-one else had any say on it.

elvis86 · 01/09/2019 12:32

YANBU.

The only reason I can think that she wants to see the guest list, is that she thinks she gets a say in it.

You'll have the navigate this at some point, so I'd get it out of the way now. Make a point of telling her that you've finalised the guest list, and tell her who you're inviting that's of interest to her (e.g. your partner's side of the family). Be prepared for any challenges, and just tell her no.

Witchinaditch · 01/09/2019 12:35

You guys get final say but maybe it’s a kindness to show her you can say no to anyone she adds on.

delilahbucket · 01/09/2019 12:36

My dad and dp's mum have contributed towards our wedding but neither has expected a say in the guest list. If they were paying in full then fair enough, although I don't think they would expect to have any involvement.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 01/09/2019 12:37

Only two people get a say - the bride and groom. I think this applies regardless of who is paying. If you’re paying towards your child’s wedding, it should be because you love them and you want them to have a special day - not because you expect to be able to dictate the guest list in return. If you want to have a big event where you get to show off to your mates, throw a party instead.

I knew someone whose father and stepfather (who’d adopted her when bio dad had gone off the scene) both expected to give her away at her wedding. She decided she couldn’t pick one over the other and asked her mum instead. Her dad, who was always happy to show off and spend money, said no way was he paying towards a wedding where he couldn’t give his daughter away. She was very upset and eventually had a much smaller wedding that he didn’t even attend. I was so glad she refused to give into emotional blackmail.

SmudgeButt · 01/09/2019 12:43

I had about 5 friends I wanted to be at my wedding. Because we were getting married in a different country to my DH's family it was just going to be his parent's attending until 3 of his friends decided they could come along as part of the wedding party.

I told my mom (my parents paid for everything) how many we were bringing and said the rest was up to her but to please keep it to people I knew - so my cousins/aunts/uncles and my parent's close friends.

The only fireworks were when one of my friend's got round to responding just a week before and my mom wanted to tell him it was too late. I stomped my little foot and said given the fact it was a buffet, that some of their more elderly friends might decide last minute to not attend (2 actually died....) then there was no reason for my friend to not attend. End of.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/09/2019 12:44

Bride and groom decide guest list...end of! Youu are not being unreasonable ..had you wished to consult anyone you would have done...tell them no help is needed its been decided.

LL83 · 01/09/2019 12:45

Maybe aunties have been asking are we invited? Are cousins invited? Are cousins partners invited?

Maybe she is worried to talk about wedding in case people not invited assume they are.

Maybe she wants to invite another 10 people you dont know but that is unlikely.

Yanbu, but if she is expecting a chat just have one. Hopefully no issues.

MamaLazarou · 01/09/2019 12:50

How strange that she -or anyone else - should feel entitled to have a say in who is invited to your wedding! Has there been a fundamental misunderstanding somewhere along the line?

Jessbow · 01/09/2019 12:57

Traditionally, a brides parents hosted, and paid for , their daughters wedding.

Invitations were sent out,
Mr & Mrs Wotnot
request the pleasure of the company of

Blah blah
At the marriage of there daughter thinggymebob

Traditionally the couple had very little say.

Times have changed - But I still think its nice to let them choose a few friends to see you get married.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 01/09/2019 12:57

I paid for my daughter’s wedding. I wasn’t asked if there was anyone I wanted to invite. The bride and groom decided who they wanted to invite and invited them.

Wildorchidz · 01/09/2019 12:59

We paid but we asked both sets of parents who they would like to have there as well.