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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who has a say in wedding guest list?

105 replies

victorioussponges · 01/09/2019 11:57

DP and I have just booked in our wedding for next year. We met up with both sets of parents yesterday to take them to the venue as DP's parents were keen to see it in person.

Over the course of the day DP's DM told my DM that she was very surprised that we had not yet shown her our guestlist and was wondering when we'd ask her about it.

Are DP and I BU to have not considered consulting others on the guestlist? It's not that it's a huge secret or at all controversial! We have both had general conversations with our parents about who we'd invite in terms of family and friends of family but all seemed fairly straightforward so didn't think we'd need to properly check.

I know things can become more complicated where others are paying for the wedding or making a substantial contribution - there seems to become a greater expectation that they will have a say in decisions - but we have made it clear that we're intending to pay for it ourselves.

Have we missed something here and been a bit rude?

OP posts:
Serenity45 · 01/09/2019 16:20

Bride and groom regardless of who pays. If parents want to help then they should do so with grace and without strings.

We paid for our own small (40 people) wedding and the agreement between me and DH was that both of us had to have met everyone invited. I had visions of being at the bar at my own wedding next to people I didn't know ( happened to 2 friends who had much bigger weddings and they both regretted it).

siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 01/09/2019 16:36

My mil expected this too. She gave us a pretty big lust of who she wanted to invite. We chose those friends and family we knew or recognised the names of. We gave her the list but had only included two of her 4 cousins (later found out she had 6 cousins but hadn't invited the two brothers). My dh didn't know any of them so only picked two of them up. We gave her the choice to remove two of her friends from the list but the only ones she chose were the only friends of hers i knew (as dh was friends with their sons) so i told her no.

We did make the mistake of still inviting the two cousins instead of putting all four on the reserve list.

SummaLuvin · 01/09/2019 17:14

My partner and I choose the guest list entirely but let both sets of parents give it a once over to ensure no-one was accidentally missed, and to check spellings. However, we were able to trust it would not be used as an opportunity to strong arm us into having people we didn't want. I know not everyone is as fortunate...

TiredOldTable · 01/09/2019 17:22

Reserve list? It isn’t a premier league fixture.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 01/09/2019 17:31

My dad paid for my wedding, none of my family asked us to invite anyone in particular my mother in law wanted to invite 4 or so people think her cousins and friends, people I'd never met and my husband couldn't remember. We did it though but sat them on the furthest table and then got really annoyed when one of them said just before food was served that they didn't eat chicken! (not vegetarian just didn't like it) so the kitchen had to quickly put something else together for them, I was so bloody annoyed.
Just invite whoever you want, you don't need to discuss it with anyone

AliasGrape · 01/09/2019 17:32

We’re paying the bulk, but DP’s parents kindly made a contribution. (My parents are dead). We drew up a guest list and then MIL named about 10 more people she wanted to invite and I was a bit hesitant just because I’ve never met them and I was hoping for something smaller anyway, but ultimately we have invited them because it makes her happy and it’s just easier! I think the financial contribution made it hard to say no also, although we’d probably have gone along with inviting at least some of her list even without that.

GiveMeHope103 · 01/09/2019 17:33

We paid for our wedding, and gave each side a number to invite whoever they wanted. The rest was up to us.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/09/2019 17:35

We're paying for ours and we've chosen the guest list, although we have talked to parents about who should be invited on the family side. More for advice than anything else, and they've given that without trying to make us invite anyone!

LadyRannaldini · 01/09/2019 17:36

You don't have to check with your MIL about who you're inviting to your wedding.

One would expect your mother to be similarly treated, somehow I doubt it, only the female of the species seems to have in-laws!

BeanBag7 · 01/09/2019 17:38

Bride and Groom decide.
If parents are paying maybe they should get a say, I dont know- I suppose it depends how different their views are to B&G (MIL wants to invite Aunt Sally who the Groom hates)

My parents asked if we had space in the evening for a few of their friends - people who knew me since I was tiny. They were happy to pay the extra and if I said no it wouldnt have been a problem

woodhill · 01/09/2019 17:40

We paid for both our dds wedding formal dinners and other items and managed to invite the odd friends but got berated in the bargain.

My dps invited some of their friends to ours and it was definitely the expectation.

Both of the dds sent invites from themselves rather than from us itms

Heatherjayne1972 · 01/09/2019 17:41

My parents paid for my wedding and I didn’t get any say in who was invited. The result was people being left out/ only invited to the church and evening do
Such a pity

I think if the b+g are paying they get to choose and won’t need any input from anyone else
If I had to do it all again I wouldn’t even ask the parents on either side

LorelaiRoryEmily · 01/09/2019 17:42

If it suits you to allow both sets of patents to invite a few people then ask them who they want. Do not show them your list. None of their business whatsoever.

SavingSpaces2019 · 01/09/2019 17:47

Over the course of the day DP's DM told my DM that she was very surprised that we had not yet shown her our guestlist and was wondering when we'd ask her about it.

Nice bit of passive aggressive shit stirring from your future MIL.
Why hasn't she asked her own son?

winterisstillcoming · 01/09/2019 17:48

There's potentially another issue here too the fact that she is speaking to you via your mother rather than speak to her son or you both directly. I would keep it to yourself and carry on regardless. If she brings it up just say that your mum mentioned something about the guest list to you but you said to her that you didn't think it was an issue as the MIL didn't approach your partner about it.

Don't make the mistake that I made and enable a passive aggressive mother in law.

winterisstillcoming · 01/09/2019 17:49

X post!

SunshineCake · 01/09/2019 17:49

I think we asked PIL if there were any neighbours or family friends who might like to be there. We invited three and I think two came. All have passed away now and I use a gift given by one every day and I am pleased we had them there as it meant such a lot to them.

Paraballa · 01/09/2019 17:57

My parents paid for our entire 20k wedding (I know!!) and didn't expect any day in the guest list. DH and I chose all guests although we did make sure family and old family friends were included as much as possible (except I didn't invite my mum's hairdresser who I've known most of my life. It didn't occur to me and Mum never mentioned it).

We had 90 day guests and 30 additional evening guests (venue maximum) and struggled to include everyone important as it was, so random friends of parents would never have made it anyway.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/09/2019 18:05

We didn’t show our guest list to either set of parents. They did kindly give us money towards the wedding, but there were no strings attached.

We wanted our parents to have some of their friends at the wedding, so they’d have people to talk to as well as our friends, so we gave them a certain number of invitations each. It worked very well for us and for them.

We had a very informal reception, with a buffet, rather than a sit down meal, which did mean we could be a bit more relaxed about numbers.

reginafelangee · 01/09/2019 18:12

If the bride and groom pay their own way then it's up to them.

If others are paying then they may expect a say.

Ohyesiam · 01/09/2019 18:16

We got v generous help from both sets of parents, but had no input on the guest list.
Mil did call all her ( married into ) families my who live in another country and told them all when we announced our wedding, and advised them all to act surprised when we called.

candlefloozy · 01/09/2019 18:16

We paid for everything so everything was decided by us and no one else. My mother kicked up a fuss about who she wanted to invite but it want her wedding and she was t paying. So I had a great day with just people I wanted there.

RasberryRoyale · 01/09/2019 18:25

Bride and groom decide. We paid for our wedding but my in laws decided to invite their own guests (after seeing our guest list!) and didn't have the courtesy to ask if it was okay. They then said they thought all their guests were invited anyhow (DH and I have never met their guests) and didn’t need to be on the list.
It’s fine to ask parents if they want to invite people if numbers allow but parents shouldn’t assume and they definitely shouldn’t be inviting others on behalf of the bride and groom and without their knowledge.

Yellowpolkadot · 01/09/2019 18:36

My parents paid a substantial amount towards our wedding. We had 80 friends and family on our guest list, my parents then wanted to add more, we said we weren’t prepared to cut, so my parents paid the extra, on top of what they had already said they would. It was a fair compromise 🤷🏻‍♀️

PlaymobilPirate · 01/09/2019 18:36

I'd show her. If dp and I get married I'd not invite my cousins as I didn't grow up close to them whereas dp would his as he is close to them.

Mum would benefit from knowing otherwise she'd assume they were invited and talk to my aunts as if they were then it would get awkward.

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