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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who has a say in wedding guest list?

105 replies

victorioussponges · 01/09/2019 11:57

DP and I have just booked in our wedding for next year. We met up with both sets of parents yesterday to take them to the venue as DP's parents were keen to see it in person.

Over the course of the day DP's DM told my DM that she was very surprised that we had not yet shown her our guestlist and was wondering when we'd ask her about it.

Are DP and I BU to have not considered consulting others on the guestlist? It's not that it's a huge secret or at all controversial! We have both had general conversations with our parents about who we'd invite in terms of family and friends of family but all seemed fairly straightforward so didn't think we'd need to properly check.

I know things can become more complicated where others are paying for the wedding or making a substantial contribution - there seems to become a greater expectation that they will have a say in decisions - but we have made it clear that we're intending to pay for it ourselves.

Have we missed something here and been a bit rude?

OP posts:
GreenwoodLane · 01/09/2019 18:57

I think times have changed in the uk.

When my dB got married in 1982, they had a huge wedding paid for by the brides family. I was 11 at the time and I remember lots of rows between my parents and dB about who should / should not be there, and who should be invited for “appearances” sake.

Fast forward 20 odd years to our wedding and my parents contributed a small amount, wedding was much smaller, and they had absolutely bugger all say. Admittedly, a significant amount of the family / friends invited to bro’s wedding had passed away by this stage.

CherryPavlova · 01/09/2019 19:03

Traditionally, the brides mother sent out invitations in consultation with the couple and future mother in law. It was a third of invitations for each.
We’re not doing exactly that but the guest list is being drawn up between myself and my daughter with input from future mother in law. Obviously she’s discussed it with her fiancé too. I think we’ll end up with about 50 from each mother (Family and family friends) then the remaining 80 will be from their friends, neighbours and colleagues. There is some crossover and arguments thus far.

Coldilox · 01/09/2019 19:24

Cost of my wedding was split between my parents and PILs, which was incredibly generous. Neither side asked for any day in how we did things, they wanted us to have the day we wanted. We invited close family friends on both sides because we wanted them there as we were close to them, not because our parents did. It would not have occurred to either set of parents that they could have their own guests.

Purplejay · 01/09/2019 19:42

The couple who are getting married have the say. If other people are contributing they may have some say. It depends what conditions they impose. Ideally it would always just be up to the bride and groom, I wouldn’t be showing anyone the guest list tbh.

Reallynowdear · 01/09/2019 19:48

It may have just been casual conversation between the Mums.

B & G decide on guests, why don't you have a chat with PIL to clear things up?

Purpleartichoke · 01/09/2019 19:49

The people who pay for the wedding ultimately decide the guest list. Assuming you are primarily paying yourself with perhaps a contribution from parents, you primarily decide the guest list. If they really want some of their friends invited, I think they should cover the cost for those friends.

Iloveacurry · 01/09/2019 19:55

It should really be up to the bride and groom. When I got married my parents and ILs each paid half, which of course, was very generous. But of course, at the time, my parents and ILs felt they had a right to event whoever they wanted! I look back now, being older and wiser, and I’m annoyed it happened. There were 9 people at our wedding I had never met, and never seen since.

SandyY2K · 01/09/2019 20:05

We gave our parents an allocation of guests to invite.

I told DM who I'd invited from our family friends, so as not to duplicate.

I certainly didn't and don't think they should see the whole list.

SandyY2K · 01/09/2019 20:07

Just to add, even though my parents paid for the wedding breakfast, they still didn't have rights over the guest list.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 01/09/2019 20:24

I wouldn’t think for a moment to show our guest list to any of our parents!

We’ve had a few conversations with all of them along the lines of ‘if you have space then it would be lovely to invite your auntie so-and-so’ but it’s always been very clear that the guest list is ours, not theirs.

Original poster
victorioussponges · 01/09/2019 21:34

Thanks all - that's reassuring! Though I might need one or two of you to have a word with DMIL.. Grin

We met for lunch today and she said just as we were leaving that we'd need to meet up to sort out save the dates. DP looked puzzled and said our initial list was sorted so we'd be sending them out this afternoon. Now we're home she's apparently kicking off...DFIL says she had wanted to invite various friends who invited her to their daughters' weddings and she has just sent a text asking which of her friends we'd invited.

It's not going to be a huge wedding and DP and I have been clear from the start that we're only intending to invite people we're in contact with (and told our parents who they were). As well as our friends we've got all of our immediate families coming (cousins, aunts, uncles, plus ones) and godparents so plenty of people she's close to; we just agreed from the start we don't want anyone that neither of us really talks to as feels a bit odd to have people who are effectively strangers.

Ah well, we will hold strong...!

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 01/09/2019 21:41

I think the couple deside, but if others such as parents are making sizable contributions then they may be expected to have some say.
That said we paid for our own, but I still had a couple of surprise guests. ( families)

FireBloodAndIce · 01/09/2019 22:25

Good luck as it looks like you'll definitely need a few more words with your dmil. Keep to what you both want, you'll feel happier in the long run.

winterisstillcoming · 02/09/2019 08:36

Ignore her behaviour. It seems your DP has got his head screwed on. Just watch out for her working on him on the quiet though. That would be my MIL's next step.

LL83 · 02/09/2019 09:16

If she had asked politely instead of expecting I would have asked her who she was thinking of and if it is her 2 best friends then I would squeeze them in. If it was 6 or 7 plus partners I wouldn't.

As she has had a tantrum i would be less likely to pander to her. However, it might be worth finding out the numbers to consider it (even to be seen to try then say you can't).

missbattenburg · 02/09/2019 09:20

Whoever pays the piper calls the tune...

thecatsthecats · 02/09/2019 09:31

It must be tough to be part of the generation whose parents organised their wedding but whose children have grown up in the era where they choose the invites too!

Whoever pays the piper calls the tune...

An odious, controlling phrase.

I wasn't going to invite my quite distant aunt and uncle, but my dad very politely said in an email, 'I'd love to have all of my siblings at the wedding, but understand this may not be possible if there's no room.'

Polite, reasonable, left the ball in my court. But then my dad is the sort of lovely person who'd never control someone with money.

(I did invite them btw)

billy1966 · 02/09/2019 09:38

Pity she felt the need for a tantrum.

We paid for our wedding because I wanted to and could.

We told both sides to throw in very close friends that they'd like there.

I think parents having very close friends there, makes the day more enjoyable for them, so we were more than happy to facilitate that.

If she's prone to tantrums, start as you mean to go, is always good advice.

However, you could be gracious, on your terms once you have established what she's hoping for.

Don't be bullied by her though.

itsabongthing · 02/09/2019 09:48

I got married quite young and my parents contributed a significant amount.
It was not particularly small wedding.
In those circumstances at the time I was happy for them to help me with the guest list ie check I hadn’t missed out any family! And they had some of their good friends to the evening do. Generally their good friends were ‘friends of the family’ so I knew them well. It was also in my home town where my parents lived.
My husband was from abroad so I guess his parents didn’t quite have the same involvement and they didn’t contribute in the same way.
But I think times have changed and especially where family are not contributing I this yanbu. But if your MIL is traditional and been invited to friends’ larger weddings for their children where maybe the b & g we’re younger and/or parents are contributing more, she may have had certain expectations. I’m sure she’ll come round.
(Maybe she was also expecting to contribute a large sum of money?!)

PrincessHoneysuckle · 02/09/2019 09:54

I invited my parents close friends (3 couples) because I know them and also so they had people to enjoy the day with.Dh family is a lot larger and I didn't want my parents to be "out numbered".I knew they would enjoy the day socialising with their friends rather than mingling with dh side of family.There were tantrums though! If you dont want your mil friends there then stick to your guns.

MzHz · 02/09/2019 10:01

My dad actually moaned to me some considerable time AFTER my wedding that I’d not asked him who he’d like to invite...

He never actually asked me beforehand either, so moaning about it was merely just to piss me off.

It might be worth saving a few spaces for both sets of parents just in case, but I’d agree on what is acceptable to you first as a couple and stick to it.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 02/09/2019 10:03

There werent tantrums

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 02/09/2019 10:10

DH and I chose who we wanted but asked my parents if they wanted anyone in particular to be there. I had already invited a number of family friends. As we were paying, we only asked out of courtesy. We'r also asked my sister if she wanted to bring a friend, as she was only 12, but she was more than happy to just hang out with my stepson who was her age.

MRex · 02/09/2019 10:12

YABU because you've gone as far as discussing which relatives to invite, so showing them the list so that can check nobody's missing who they forgot to mention (e.g. a cousin but no +1 for their wife) just seems sensible. Or turn it into a silly drama, as I'm sure plenty will be keen to encourage you to do. She wouldn't be confused if you were having a small wedding where you dictated e.g. relatives only out to first cousins, so it's obvious there's space for error, just show them all the list and let them discuss any issues.

EmperorBallpitine · 02/09/2019 10:12

My family is really titchy compared to my dhs and my dad was giving us a bunch of cash towards the wedding so we gave them an opportunity to tell us who they wanted, but they only chose one or two friends who I had known since childhood. My mil was upset we had not extended the same to her but we had invited all her brothers and sisters and fils family which even without cousins was double the size of my family, including the random guests. At the end of the day you just can't invite everyone.