Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Who has a say in wedding guest list?

105 replies

victorioussponges · 01/09/2019 11:57

DP and I have just booked in our wedding for next year. We met up with both sets of parents yesterday to take them to the venue as DP's parents were keen to see it in person.

Over the course of the day DP's DM told my DM that she was very surprised that we had not yet shown her our guestlist and was wondering when we'd ask her about it.

Are DP and I BU to have not considered consulting others on the guestlist? It's not that it's a huge secret or at all controversial! We have both had general conversations with our parents about who we'd invite in terms of family and friends of family but all seemed fairly straightforward so didn't think we'd need to properly check.

I know things can become more complicated where others are paying for the wedding or making a substantial contribution - there seems to become a greater expectation that they will have a say in decisions - but we have made it clear that we're intending to pay for it ourselves.

Have we missed something here and been a bit rude?

OP posts:

Saddler · 01/09/2019 12:59

The bride and groom regardless of who's paying

GooooooodMorning · 01/09/2019 13:03

These days, whoeverpays for it.

If it is big wedding, the couple's parents are sometimes given a small number (10-20 people) to invite, in case they wanted their friends there. It is like a note to the times parents of bride and/or groom paid and they would have invited their friends by default.

GooooooodMorning · 01/09/2019 13:04

*nod, whoever pay...I need an edit function

iklboo · 01/09/2019 13:08

FIL tried the old 'but you've got to invite your 90th cousin a million times removed that you've never met' lark. DH told him that when he was paying for the wedding he could invite who he liked. Until then, it was our choice.

milveycrohn · 01/09/2019 13:12

I don’t understand this concept of the parent’s (or in-law’s) friends being invited, unless well-known to the bride or groom.
However, when it comes to relatives, I think that in some instances the parents or in-laws can give some advice, as long as it is just that – advice.
When my son was married a few years ago, there was no way he would or could invite all Mine and DH relatives, so who to choose, and who to leave out?
It was a small wedding (to which I gave a substantial contribution), and I think they got it right with the number of relatives and friends from both bride and groom

Gatehouse77 · 01/09/2019 13:21

I think we’re in a phase where there are (understandable) clashes of expectations and contemporary culture.
DH and I wrote down our list. We asked my mum and his parents if there were people they wanted included and discussed it. There were people on my side whom I wouldn’t have chosen but they were inoffensive. At no point was any ratio or percentage of people commented on. I had more family because it’s bigger, he had more friends because he was at university and had had a year in industry.

I think I come from a very moderate family for the most part because these things rarely cause more than a couple of days angst before a compromise is reached. Generally, calmly and rationally. 🤷‍♀️

BertrandRussell · 01/09/2019 13:23

I think traditionally parents have been involved in the guest list - but lots has changed over recent years!

BrokenWing · 01/09/2019 13:36

Traditionally when parents paid they would have had a big say in the guest list. Even invitations would say Mr & Mrs Mum&Dad invite you to the wedding of their daughter x to y. So the parents were the actual wedding hosts.

Things have changed over the years and everyone does their own thing now. If you are paying then guest list is 100% yours. If parents are significantly contributing it seems fair they have some input if they have guests they really would like to attend. Either way it doesn't hurt to show them the list.

maybeillkeepthisname · 01/09/2019 14:14

I agree completely up to bride and groom only.

We had a smallish wedding venue so limited numbers and said family and close friends only to the day. Basically we could have 60 to the day and 80 to the evening. Both sets of parents contributed so we said each could have 12 evening guests (we halved the whole guest list as that worked). Mil threw a fit that her friends weren't invited to the day (she wanted dh to not invite some of his friends so hers could come). She also demanded his distant aunt and uncle came (we invited them in the end as a compromise, the aunt never turned up and the uncle behaved poorly on the day). Then she threw a huff that she could only have 12 to the evening, she even asked if people left early could she replace them with other guests?!

All ridiculous and she completely missed the point that by inviting more of her own guests dh would miss out on having people he wanted there. I of course got the blame despite having nothing to do with dhs 'half' of the numbers. In fact she even stopped talking to me as it turned out she had already invited people and had to un invite them ? I'm not sure how that was my fault!

Just tell mil the list is now finalised with who you and dh would love there and then show her it. Say the invites are all done if you want! 😊 don't pander to any nonsense, I tried at first to keep everyone happy and it failed miserably 😔

SnuggyBuggy · 01/09/2019 14:19

I sort of get asking them if there is anyone they would like to have there. I don't t think they have any right to review and have an opinion on your list.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/09/2019 14:19

She may just want to know so she can know whom to talk to about the wedding. Don’t assume the worst. If she thinks she gets to decide though, I’d disappoint her.

My parents paid for about half our wedding. In addition to our family, they had a table of their friends. They chose them but I knew them all (to some extent).

FireBloodAndIce · 01/09/2019 14:28

The bride and groom only. If they choose to ask parents and in laws that's up to them. A gift given with conditions is not a gift.

We had a small wedding and only invited a few family friends. We refused to accept money from controlling parents for this reason. We didn't consider inviting their friends over ours or finding a bigger venue just for their friends to come during the day.

Have a chat with both sets of parents but be clear first who you want to come and your numbers. Some parents might want an old family friend you know, others want a dozen people you've never met to show off.

CasperGutman · 01/09/2019 14:28

We paid and we had the final say on the guest list, but we still took both sets of parents through what we had planned in case they had any suggestions. It's a family event, after all.

UndertheCedartree · 01/09/2019 14:32

YANBU as you are paying. I think if parent's are paying they should have some say in the guestlist

TiredOldTable · 01/09/2019 14:34

Traditionally the brides parents invite the guests. They also pay for the wedding

AuntieStella · 01/09/2019 14:41

B&G decide the guest list

But it's courteous to consult each family (you are after all blending the families), especially if you have to guillotine numbers, to work out the best balance. You don't actually have to do what they suggest, but the insights might help you.

Bottom line - what do you want the long term wider family (including ages old family friends) to be like?
Do you generally feel better when on matters that affect your family (even when you know you don't really have any say) someone takes the time to ask for your opinion and listen to it?

northernknickers · 01/09/2019 14:47

@TiredOldTable 'traditionally' the brides parents paid for the whole shindig...but times have moved on, and the OP and her soon to be DH are paying the entire cost..🤷‍♀️

OP...your wedding, you're paying, your list!

(I say this as a recent MoB, who DID contribute significantly to my DCs wedding...and still managed to leave them to invite who the hell they wanted!!)

maddy68 · 01/09/2019 14:54

Traditionally the bride's parents pay and have the say on guest list. If your paying then different rules apply

KickAssAngel · 01/09/2019 14:57

It's not just about who's paying. Back in the day, people married younger and this was a time when they left home (often for the first time) and were seen as passing from child to adult - particularly for women. Therefore, often their neighbours who had seen them grow up, and older relatives were expected to be there.

It's not the same if you are already independent and haven't lived at home for years. It's diplomatic to invite a certain number of extended family, and may be kind if your parents have close friends to include someone they want to spend the day with, but not necessary.

But even 25 years ago we didn't present a list to parents. We had discussions, then sent out invitations nearer the time.

KUGA · 01/09/2019 15:17

Your day your choice who attends or not.
Nothing at all to do with dm or mil.

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 01/09/2019 15:48

When DD married, I contributed towards the cost, but the couple paid most of it themselves. They asked me if there were any friends that I would like to invite, I suggested three couples who are close friends and have known DD all her life, they invited them...we had a lovely day
Six people - all of whom had been close to DD - didn't seem excessive to either me or DD & SiL

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 01/09/2019 16:01

My DP and I are planning and paying for our own wedding. so nobody else is going to choose anything.

Our friends recently got married, which the parents paid for and they were both saying that they didn't know 70% of the people at their own wedding.

In my personal experience everyone who has had some help with weddings have had a lot of interfering and expectancy to decide on some things.

Lilaclady9 · 01/09/2019 16:02

We also paid ourselves, had total control of the guest list, and gave parents a few spaces for their own friends/guests. It was great as there wasn't a single person there who wasn't important to either or both of us.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 01/09/2019 16:02

Forgot to say - YANBU. You're paying, you say.

Northie · 01/09/2019 16:04

It's your wedding so you decide who comes. If people aren't happy about it or are asking for a plus one then uninvite them. You don't have to compromise with trouble makers - would you rather have a lovely day surrounded by friends and family or an awkward day with 20+ strangers.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5