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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cruel and lazy parent?

123 replies

RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 11:05

Am I because I expect a 9 and a 12 yo to be able to get themselves a basic breakfast? Cereal for the 9 yo and toast for the 12 yo?

Ex has made it worse by wiping their arsed when he is with them, telling the boys I am a lazy mother.

They refuse to do anything and I'm at my wits end.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 01/09/2019 11:06

He wipes a 9 an 12 year old's arses?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 01/09/2019 11:06

He's wiping a 12 yr old's bottom? Surely not?

FontSnob · 01/09/2019 11:06

My 8&3 year olds manage their own breakfast of an occasional morning. He sounds like a knob.

PegasusReturns · 01/09/2019 11:06

Erm do you mean metaphorically speaking?!

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 11:07

Almost. He treats them like babies in an attempt make me look like the bad parent.

OP posts:
BehindATractor · 01/09/2019 11:08

My 8 and 11yos have made their own breakfasts for several years now. So YANBU.

But I think you knew that. Is this a symptom of a Disney dad issue? Or does your ex really think they can’t do it themselves?

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 11:09

Yes, metaphorically speaking. He says I am cruel to expect them to do anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 11:10

Yes. He is an appalling parent but tries parental alienation. He is loaded and I am just getting by so he buys the kids everything they want. Last month it was a hot tub.

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 01/09/2019 11:11

You are right. Mine are pests but even they were able to sort themselves out breakfast at that age.

Your ex is the problem here.

Userzzzzz · 01/09/2019 11:12

My 3 year old often does hers and all of the 3 year olds at nursery help themselves to cereal and toast so no you are not being unreasonable in your expectations.

Templetonstunafish · 01/09/2019 11:16

I think parental alienation is illegal?
What is your custody arrangement? I do think as kids get older they are less dazzled by presents and see shit parenting for what it is.

Ishoos · 01/09/2019 11:17

My two pennorth is that it’s cruel not to make sure that kids are fully capable of running a house before then leave home. This means showing them and then giving them responsibility starting with basics like breakfast. My dc is just about to go off to uni and understands that whilst he may not enjoy ironing, washing, cleaning etc. That it has to be done and that his life will be better if he does it. Luckily he loves cooking and now invites friends round and cooks for them. A friends son was waited on hand and foot, sadly he lasted two minutes at uni as he couldn’t cope with having to look after himself.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 11:18

But I know I'll get abuse from the ex who will say I'll neglect the boys by asking them to do basic things. He will use it to present himself as the better parent and sadly they're swayed by all. They're already with him half of the time sadly.

OP posts:
MrsTWH · 01/09/2019 11:18

No you are definitely not the unreasonable one here. My 10 and 11 year old DSs are expected to get their own breakfasts and have done for about 3 years. My oldest is also capable of making bacon and eggs or french toast at the weekend with minimal supervision. They are also expected to change their bed sheets once a week, bring down their dirty laundry, make their beds, keep their rooms tidy, clear the kitchen table after dinner, put dirty dishes in the dishwasher when finished, walk the dog occasionally. Because it’s my job as a parent to equip them with the skills to take care of themselves when they leave home. They contribute to the mess so they should pitch in at an age appropriate level. Doubly important as they are boys IMO, so they don’t expect a woman to wait on them hand and foot in future.

Having said that, I don’t know how you prevent your ex from behaving like that. But YANBU.

LaMarschallin · 01/09/2019 11:18

You are not BU to expect them to make their own breakfast.

You might be being unreasonable to have used a metaphor, because I bet 3 pages of messages along you'll be getting replies like: He wipes the arses of his 9 and 12 year old children? Sounds like abuse. Call the police!

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 11:19

@Templetonstunafish Not when the alienating parent is rich and the abused one is not, sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 11:21

@LaMarschallin I use it as a metaphor all of the time as in he does everything for them. But I do believe the courts should have recognised parental alienation in this case.

OP posts:
Rainbowknickers · 01/09/2019 11:22

All mine could cook a basic meal by about aged 10
A roast at 12
(It almost killed me teaching them!)
My partners daughters can’t even turn the oven on (16 and 12) cos mum did everything for them
I firmly believe it’s abuse not to teach them the basics
Like I’m sick of pointing out-they will be leaving home soon and they will drown cos they don’t know a thing
I had to show the 16 year old how to peel an orange the other day-dad would have done it for her (he’s just as bad as mum) but he was at work and I’m damned if I’m doing that for anyone after the age of 6/7 unless they have sn

DowntonCrabby · 01/09/2019 11:24

He’s doing them a massive disservice babying them. Thank fuck you’re actually parenting responsibly so they have a chance at functioning as independent adults in the future.

Seriously ignore the fuck out of this!!! He’s a prick.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 11:24

Ex has an unemployed 25 yo gf at home that is expected to be a waitress so yes, this what they are learning.

OP posts:
Misseuropadiscodancer · 01/09/2019 11:25

Well if you are, then I definitely am! In all seriousness, how does he think your DS's will manage when they leave home if they haven't been given the chance to learn some of the basics of looking after themselves at home? Now is the time to start, they won't suddenly learn it all at 18, having been waited on hand, foot and finger for all of their early life.

LaMarschallin · 01/09/2019 11:27

Sorry, OP, I honestly wasn't criticising the metaphor. It's a well-known one. Just that some people may just read the first post on the thread and you'll have to read about how arse wiping children of that age is ridiculous every time you check on the thread. Imo, anyway.

Sorry. Should have stuck a Smile in to make it clear I wasn't absolutely serious.

RainOrSun · 01/09/2019 11:27

YANBU.
This week, my 10 year old has made himself porridge, omelette and scrambled eggs for breakfast.
His 8 yr old brother can do cereal, and toast if we have a sliced loaf - he asked me to slice the bread this morning tho.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 11:27

He's told the eldest it's not unreasonable to expect me to do it all as a) I am his mother and b) that's what women should do. So eldest puts his foot down.

OP posts:
IsobelRae23 · 01/09/2019 11:29

No not at all. My ds14 cooks most nights for us, he’ll make lasagne, spag bol etc and threatens me with ‘you are my mum you should be cooking for me!’ And I’m like dude I taught you to cook, it’s a good life skill 😂In all fairness not only is he good but he enjoys it. But I personally believe that children being able to prepare meals, and prepare with not many ingredients is a life skill worth having. So I wouldn’t give a crap about when anyone said.