Cruel and lazy parent?

[RainMinusBow]

Am I because I expect a 9 and a 12 yo to be able to get themselves a basic breakfast? Cereal for the 9 yo and toast for the 12 yo?

Ex has made it worse by wiping their arsed when he is with them, telling the boys I am a lazy mother.

They refuse to do anything and I'm at my wits end.

It depends if there is more. For example, if the reason your 9 and 10yr old have to get themselves up, get their breakfast, and get to school by themselves every dam day is because you’re sleeping off a bottle of gin in a pool of your own vomit, your ex may have a point.

Thanks all. I just feel in my darkest times it's best to let them live with their dad ft so the abuse will stop.

My fiancé and I are constantly held back by ex. For example, we'd love a child together (fiancé has none) but ex has brainwashed boys and they have said if I was ever pregnant they would live permanently with their father because it would be cruel on them to have a new baby in the family.

*9 and 12yr old. Sorry for typo.

I’m a foster carer and when I have monthly visits from the social worker they always ask about the children’s life skills and independence. They like kids to be taught to be capable of making their own breakfasts etc. My foster kids do at 10 and 11 and have done for quite a while.

If you want them to grow up to be decent and capable adults then it starts with things like making their own breakfasts and doing chores to help around the house.
What if you explained things like that to your kids so they could see that you’re on their side and not against them?

@DoomsdayCult Unlikely as I teach SEN kids ft!!!! 😂

My 7 year old has been making his own breakfast (cereal) for a year. My 5 year old makes his own sandwiches. YANBU

Hi OP

You definitely arent being an unreasonable parent, of course you need to teach them the basics, and pouring cereal into a bowl or putting bread in the toaster isn't difficult or time consuming.

I dont know how you approach it though as it sounds like he is commenting on your parenting but also they may be playing you off against each other. If you push it with them do you think there is a possibility they would say fine I will go and live with my dad? If they did that, would he have them?

It must be so difficult for you to have him undermine you and also buy his way out of everything.

I take it you have sat down with them and had a chat about equipping them with the skills to live independently in a few years? When do they think they are going to learn basic life skills? When they are doing GCSEs or busy with A levels? How do they think future relationships will go if they cant do their share in the house? How do they feel about one parent talking about the other?

If this has failed, is there anyone else that can speak to them? An uncle or something?

Part of me would be tempted to say fine if you think I'm cruel and lazy shall we call social services for advice but I think that would backfire and also I know they are over stretched and dealing with abused children etc so not really fair to take resource away from them.

The children are old enough for you to sit down and talk to them sensibly about this. Suggest to them that they ask their friends what they do - I suspect the 12 year old at least will get laughed at if he says he expects his mother to wait on him all the time. Point out to them that their dad is doing them no favours, because in the real world women aren't men's handmaidens, and that they'll really struggle if, say, they go to university and have no idea how to look after themselves.

God he’s an idiot.

And you are doing parenting the right way.

My daughter could cook at least three easy dinner meals by the time she was 12. And 9 is plenty old enough to make yourself some toast and even fry an egg, never mind actual cooking.

He’s a dummy and you should just tell your children that you want them to have all their basic life skills sorted by the time they’re mid teens. You’re really doing them a huge favour.

Also, don’t pander to your boys’ threats regarding baby. Challenge them every time, discuss it calmly and rationalise it with them.

Your ex is abusive.

He is actually being a less than satisfactory parent here by 1. Treating them like babies ie meaning they never learn independence and turn into spoilt brats

1. Doing this in order to turn them against you and ruin their relationship with there mother !!

Appalling.

I hope you can join a support group or something that can help you deal with the abusive behaviour . this is genuine abusive behaviour from him

Just keep doing what you are doing. Don't argue with him. If your DS start then tinkly laugh and "I thought you were 9 years not 9 months, do you want Mummy to help you with your little buttonies now" in your best baby talk voice.
If they say "Dad says..." you say "His house his rules, my house my rules".
On school trips my DC have had to serve their own breakfasts and make their own packed lunches as 9/10. No reason not to do it at home.

And ultimately - do you think a court would decide they need to be with their Father full time because their mother makes them get their own breakfast? The reverse is far more likely. And parental alienation is an offense.

I would also talk to school and see if they can get some counselling or at least have someone outside the family to talk to. It must be confusing for them.

Good grief what a terrible attitude to instil in the older one. I’d be putting that right immediately and telling them in no uncertain terms their dad is wrong and why.
At 12 I would expect they could make a basic meal, cheese/beans on toast, omelettes, sandwiches etc.
Mine have been getting their own breakfasts at weekend, ie cereal & juice since they were about 8.

@Ninkaninus thats really good I want to teach my 9 year old to fry an egg but I'm worried she'll burn herself.

At 4 DS asked to be allowed to make his own breakfast so he didn’t have to wait for me to do it.i watched him make toast, butter it and from then on, he was allowed to do it.

At 14 he normally cooks for me at least once a week in the evening, sometimes more often (DH works evenings).

DS can also use the washing machine and dryer/iron and has sole responsibility for his cadet uniform.

Last night DD2 (8) felt unwell and DS offered to take her home so I could stay out with relatives (although she wanted mummy)

You are teaching them life skills. Only yesterday MIL admitted she had done DH a disservice doing everything for him as a child

My 8 year old is expected to get his own breakfast of cereal.
He also has to empty the dishwasher and tidy up. He also knows how the washing machine works.
You're not cruel and lazy. You're attempting to make your children able to be independent. When I went to university I met someone who'd been brought up the way your ex thinks is right.
He was able to microwave a ready meal. Didn't know how to turn an oven on, didn't know how to clean his clothes, couldn't do anything really. He found it incredibly embarrassing to have to ask someone how to basic things like refill the kettle.

It depends if there is more. For example, if the reason your 9 and 10yr old have to get themselves up, get their breakfast, and get to school by themselves every dam day is because you’re sleeping off a bottle of gin in a pool of your own vomit, your ex may have a point.

Where did you extrapolate that from?

I agree with Tonnerre, sit with them and have a sensible calm conversation.

I wouldn't bring their dad into it, though, or get sucked into talking about him if they bring him up, beyond a 'my house my rules' type line.

Just talk about how they will need to be able to shift for themselves at some point, and that this is what you're teaching them.

Both my 5yo made their own breakfast this morning (cereals and cold milk). I must be so lazy 🤷‍♀️ they don’t seem traumatized, they asked if they could help me prepare lunch

K - Teaching children skills is all about teaching them how to be safe. As long as there are no issues with excessive clumsiness or being unable to process basic instructions, you can teach your 9 year old how to be safe whilst cooking. It’s incredibly important nowadays especially when so many children have absolutely no opportunity for risk management and problem solving, to give them age-appropriate opportunities to do things for themselves.

I'm afraid at 9 / 12 my son would either get his own breakfast or go hungry. You are not there scivvy you are their mum and your job in their lives is to love them unconditionally and bring them up to be independent fully functional members of society who don't need a woman to look after them!

Your ex is an arse. Your house your rules, his house his rules.

Your house, your rules. Kids like and respect boundaries. Enforce the rules and they will respect you, esp in a few years. He might find himself in a sticky situation if he keeps spoiling them. Then that will be his problem!

This is a ridiculous situation and he is failing them massively in his attempt to get one over on you.

As someone else said, mine have been changing bed linen; able to use the washing maching; bake cakes; tidy up after themselves; sort breakfast for themselves etc since they were in infant school.

Now, the 13 year old cooks dinner twice a week (from scratch ) because she enjoys it.

He is massively disempowering them now, and for the future, as much as anything else, they will struggle to find someone who is willing to wait on them hand and foot when they reach adulthood.

Parenting is about teaching, facilitating and enabling your children to become competent, capable, independent, functioning members of society (as you obviously know!) - not treating them like babies forever.

My exh has a tendancy to do similar when our daughter is with him. Not for the same reasons yours does, but because he doesn't do the day to day parenting he's a bit out of touch with what she can do etc. She did push back against it a bit when she was about 12 because she found it infantilising.

I'd perhaps try explaining to the older one that your job, as a parents, is to teach them these things because one day they will live on their own and need to feed etc themselves. Whilst I wouldn't suggest you play him at his own game, it wouldn't hurt for them to hear the realities of expecting mummy to do everything for you.

I don't really see how a 12 year old can 'put his foot down' about getting breakfast? Surely all that means is that he refuses to make his own, but so what? He's a bit hungrier at lunchtime. Not a big deal really.

Nope. You are in. the right. My now 15 year old started putting cereal in a bowl and pouring milk on it in Year 4. He now makes dinner a couple of times a week and is able to make pizza from scratch and does a decent chicken curry. They are expected to fill and empty the dishwasher, bring their clothes to the washing machine and take sheets and duvet covers off their beds (I do help with putting a clean duvet cover on). They hoover the stairs, landing and hallway and clean out the car. The eldest is capable of putting a flat pack wardrobe together as I discovered this summer so that’ll be him in charge of basic DIY from now on. If they protest, I remind them they are part of a family that makes the mess, eats the food, wears the clothes and that I more than do my part by earning the money that pays for it all and that their part is to go to school and work hard. The rest of it I expect us to share. The ex tells them I’m a lazy bitch. So I shrug and remind them it’s me who pays for everything and if they want their Xbox games, food in bellies and clean clothes, they help out. They have not yet gone to live with the ex (and 2 are of an age when they could make that choice) so I figure they know which side their bread is buttered.

Keep calm, OP. Play the long game,