Cruel and lazy parent?

[RainMinusBow]

Am I because I expect a 9 and a 12 yo to be able to get themselves a basic breakfast? Cereal for the 9 yo and toast for the 12 yo?

Ex has made it worse by wiping their arsed when he is with them, telling the boys I am a lazy mother.

They refuse to do anything and I'm at my wits end.

Please don’t ever feel your children would be “better off” without you - you are the best thing in their lives. Their stability, their role model, and you’re doing a great job under extreme pressure. If you weren’t there they would be with that B their father full time. I can’t even imagine what they would grow into. Thank God for you!

Keep speaking to the counsellor about what your ex is doing so she can support you.
I’d be reminding the children that you are putting their needs first teaching them important life skills, and helping them to grow into young adults, not babying them as that’s just silly when they are so big now. It’s not about your laziness it’s about you recognising they are no longer babies and trusting them with breakfast, cooking, washing, whatever. And in some households the women look after the men’s needs, in some the men look after the women’s needs, and in some you do your own thing or everyone shares chores, like in your household. Nobody need to anything purely because of their sex.
Once you’ve had that chat perhaps they will have questions. All you can do is try your best to educate them. While he tries to eat away at your relationship with them. What a B he is.
Never forget what goes around comes around. He’ll get his comeuppance. Probably when his gf leaves him. Who’d stay with such a guy. Shudder.

Is there a family welfare officer at your boys' school that you can speak to in the first instance? Ours is invaluable and has offered an awful lot of support while I deal with my equally hideous ex-husband. It's really important that you keep some sort of record of this behaviour. I would also consider having a chat with your local domestic violence unit, they were fantastic with me and may be able to offer some further options (especially under the newly strengthened Coercive Control laws).

I would be inclined to return to court and ask for the order to be varied. What he is doing is abuse and parental alienation. Fortunately, I had a positive experience with court and with magistrates who recognised the horrendous situation I was in and a Cafcass officer who was also very much on the ball. Ex got minimal contact with no overnights. It is appalling that your children are being put through this and the damage is obvious.

In the meantime, I agree with others...your house, your rules. You have to sit down with them. What "Dad" does is up to him but this is how it is at home. Don't be drawn into defending yourself, you are their mother and you set the tone when they are with you. Start a rota of chores, lay out your expectations. What is your ex going to do? Go to court and tell them that their mother is trying to turn them into well rounded, capable young men? He'd be laughed at. Further, there is nothing to stop you and your chap having a baby. Same applies, what's he going to do? Go to court and say that having another sibling is bad for them? Read up on the "grey rock" method of communication and use it. People like him need to be kept at arms length and given minimal attention. Call his bluff, he can threaten and bluster as much as he likes. Be consistent with the boys when they say "but Dad says".....keep it to "that's nice dear, but can you just go and empty the diswasher". Rinse and repeat. I can also recommend Women's Aid, plese give them a call, you are still being abused and are in a cycle where he is succeeding in making you think the boys would be better off with him FT. They won't be, you know that. Good luck, I know how shit this is

Also, just to add, I self repped, I just prepared very well, had an awful lot of evidence and was very open and straight with the Cafcass officer. it doesn't have to cost you anything but your time.

Aw you are all so kind. Thank you so much @Elieza for your kind words. My biggest regret in life will always be that I didn't stay until he hit me because then I wouldn't have to endure this life of abuse and control.

As for his gf...as long as she doesn't have to work and he spends around £1k every couple of weeks on her (car, jewelery, handbags, hair and nails and lives in our once jointly owned five bed marital home) I doubt she'll go lol!

Ex probably threatens her that she'll end up in a tiny rented property like ours and have to work ft if she goes!!!! 😂

We'll never be able to afford a dishwasher so boys don't need to worry about loading one when they're with us lol!!! 😂

I feel so let down by Cafcass that I'm not brave enough to go there. The lady dealing with my case believed my ex when he said I left him with the boys to "frequently go out". I had to leave the house as he was threatening me and I was scared for my own safety. He also claimed my best friend (male) of 21 years used to hit me so said best friend has never met my kids. I've never told friend real reason for not seeing my kids as such a cruel lie would would hurt him too much.

He's a [insert expletive of your choice], OP.

Mine's been getting her own cereal since she was four. At six she's learning to use the toaster. I have this vague idea that it might be useful if she knows how prepare her own food as I'm not always going to be around to do that for her.

From subsequent posts it would seem your [expletive] is training your sons to believe they will have a mummy-figure around to feed them all your lives. I wish you all the luck in the world trying to mitigate the damage he's doing.

He is a real piece of work. Sounds like he is used to getting his own way and really activates when someone stands up to him or says no. I wonder where he learnt that from....

It really upsets him that you are doing you, just take comfort in that, every sarcastic dig is a sign of how much you still bother him. However you might need to find ways to protect yourself from the stress and harm that this sort of abuse has on your well being. Get the right support in place for yourself, so glad you have a supportive partner in your life. Its sad that people have to live like this,

I have a 7 year old and 5 year old twins. They all get their own breakfast in the morning. They also get themselves changed out of their pj’s. I get their clothes ready the night before and leave them out for them. There’s one of me and we need to be out the house at 7.40am. We’d never leave if I had to change them and get them breakfast!

Your dh is an idiot. He’s doing them no favours and the emotional blackmail re a new baby, that’s just not on.

OP, please ring Women's Aid and get some advice from them. Gingerbread are also marvellous. You don't have to put up with this. Stop communicating with him and again, look up "grey rock". Take back some control for the sake of yourself and the kids.

It would seem his pure reason for having them 50/50 is financial? He gets to lay no maintenance and boast about his financial situation.

But even more scary is he is teaching them to have no respect for woman. He thinks they'll be looked after their whole lives because dads gf does that for them. And she does it for financial reward.

I would hope she'll eventually wake up and realise as she mature's a bit.

I agree will Twillow link chores to pocket money. I have just got my youngest a Nimbl card. I have a list of daily tasks and as long as she is regularly doing these tasks she gets her weekly pocket money. If she doesn't do them she doesn't get paid.

I think ur not being unreasonable at all! They r old enuff now to b doing this. If not now, when?

Can someone explain how a 3 year old gets their own breakfast.

Kitchen cupboards are high up. How do you get bowls and cereal packets down. I know at 5 mine would have struggled seeing into the cutlery draw, let alone operating a toaster that would need a chair and clambering onto the work surface.

Do you mean you get it all out and prepared on the table and then they pour some cereal into a bowl with the milk from there then why not do it for them if it is just pouring cereal and milk

All these children operating ovens when they are too small to reach the countertop sounds dangerous

I keep the cereal, honey and bowls in a bottom cupboard. My DC can both reach the cutlery drawer as it's on a kind of island which isn't as high as the sides. I also get a 2 pinter of milk and leave it on the bottom shelf of the fridge door. My DC love getting their own breakfasts!

is there any way you could make it so its a activity rather than a task to start with.so maybe "i wnt to try some new foods/recipes guys will you help me and then help me cook" or ive got loads of stuff on could on of you do breakie tomorrow." or im really boredwith tea could one of you take a tenner and and get tea for tonight."
im just thinking how to make them interested in a different way then they might tke on doing more.
or could you sit down with them and talk like adults to them.ask them if they think it might be time they oculd do there own breakfast.do their friends?you dont want to moddy coddle them their whole lives and want to give them some freedom and choices.so its not then you going agaisnt dad or being worse or less helpful for them.
just keep telling the you love them,that you know things work differently in dads house but you want them t know that never means you love them less or they mean less to you.

I think the counter is true. By not equipping your children to grow up into adults who can fend for themselves, you are being careless and cruel and not preparing them for the world they live in.

Thanks all. I've spoken to WA many times and although they're lovely there's nothing they can do.

The poster who said ex did it for financial reasons (as well as to hurt me again mentally) is spot on. No maintenance due. It was horrendous for the first five years-living in a privately rented damp and mouldy two-bed as that's all I could afford. I stopped eating much on the weeks I didn't have the kids to save money - everyone thought my weight loss was down to stress!

Better by a bit now I have a partner although he is a relatively low earner. We get by (sort of).

You've all been so helpful because I'm constantly being made to feel like all terrible and failing parent so thank you xx

Oliver my dc were a little older than 3, but we managed by having cereal and bowls in cupboards they could reach, and also a little stepstool they could climb on.

No, of course not. My 12 year old and 7 year old have been capable of making their own breakfast since about 5. I still often make breakfast for the 7 year old but my 12 year old would find it a bit babyish if I routinely made him breakfast. He makes pancakes, french toast, porridge and a cooked breakfast when he fancies it. He also washes his own clothes and does his own washing up/load and unload the dishwasher and can make lunches and dinners too.

I agree with pp it is a parent's job to ensure their children learn these skills.

@oliversmumsarmy - our cereal and plastic bowls have always been in low cupboards so easy for a young child to reach. The milk is in the fridge door so easy to get too. Although it was at 5 not 3 that mine started helping themselves. Toast, porridge etc came as they got older.

OP you need to be the parent here. A 9 and 12 year old does NOT get to " put their foot down" If he " threatens" to move to dads you simply state you are the adult here and as such you make the adults decisions.

Don't rise to x texts etc simply respond factually to what he needs to know. "Are you ok to drop sons of at 4 pm?" yes thats fine" Stuff about how you can reply as you are meant to be working doesnt get a response but goes into your book about comments/abusive stuff.

Your 12 year old stating that cleaning.cooking is womans work.. go with the very sensible advice futher up" that is one idea of doing things I am here to teach you another so you can make up your own mind" and DO use the " you are 12/9 and this is the rules in THIS house.. IF they say " but at daddys we can xxx" you respond " and thats daddys choice here in this house this is how it works"

if they wont have breakfast because you dont make it " they go hungry" ensure there is stuff available tell them it is there and leave it. your x starts to threaten all sorts. let him. even if he tries to take it back to court NO court will say you are not bringing your children up well because you expect them to poor their own cereal.

& lastly if you can afford it and want it. go ahead with that baby for you and your partner.. Again a 12 /9 year old doesnt get to decide such stuff..

I have 15 17 19 and 21 year old they still do not get to decide how their dad and I arrange stuff. We pay the bills we drive them round. They don't get to make thedecisions. We may ask opinions etc but ultimately we are in the driving seat.

No not lazy in the slightest. At that age they should be more than capable (providing no learning issues etc) of pinging some porridge, making toast or some cereal.

Have you posted before under a different username? It is awful what your ex has done to you and the boys.

Coercive control is an offence now. It applies if you have children together even if you have split up.

You know you are not a bad mum and you are doing the right thing. I would seriously reconsider going back to court. You can get legal aid if you are a victim of domestic abuse (and you stil are because he is still abusing you).

ds is entirely capable of getting out, weighing, making his own porridge and chopping banana into it. If I am there I leave him to it and he does it independently, if dh is there he fusses around him with a nervous "watch the knife is sharp!" and "careful the bowl is hot!" and implications I should be supervising. Drives me potty. I can imagine it is 1000 times harder when its your ex. Ignore would be my advice, that what I do!

We've had granddaughter for a lot of the Summer, she's 8 and gets her own breakfast when she gets up at silly o'clock, she could give the SAS lessons in moving about silently, even the Disney channel is almost inaudible.