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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cruel and lazy parent?

123 replies

RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 11:05

Am I because I expect a 9 and a 12 yo to be able to get themselves a basic breakfast? Cereal for the 9 yo and toast for the 12 yo?

Ex has made it worse by wiping their arsed when he is with them, telling the boys I am a lazy mother.

They refuse to do anything and I'm at my wits end.

OP posts:
TwoCanPlayAtThatGame · 01/09/2019 12:08

As long as there are no issues with excessive clumsiness or being unable to process basic instructions, you can teach your 9 year old how to be safe whilst cooking

Just wanted to respond to this. My son has dyspraxia so 'excessive clumsiness' and 'unable to process basic instructions' are pretty up there in our house!!

He was still given opportunities to cook etc from an early age with supervision because he won't be at home forever!

Ninkaninus · 01/09/2019 12:09

OP what do you mean when you say your eldest ‘puts his foot down’?

No one should be putting their foot down in your house but you!

I always tried to channel Judge Judy’s attitude - ‘as long as you are living in my house, I own the air you breathe’. YOU are the parent, YOU are the head of your household. Your son should not be ‘putting his foot down about anything,

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 12:12

You're all right, thank you so much. My ex abused me for ten years horifically but didn't hit me so courts ruled 50:50. He continues to try to turn kids against me at every opportunity.

When they are with him he just works and leaves them with his young gf who has said she "Doesn't really like children" so mostly stays away from them.

When kids are with us myself and fiancé we have to try to unlearn them everything they have been exposed to at their dads -racism, sexism, homophobia etc. He even told them my fiancé "could be a paedo because you never know." He still, three years on, won't let fiancé collect kids from his and refers to him as a "stranger" and "dickhead".

Eldest has anxiety and has been attending conselling. Same for me. Sometimes mine is so severe I feel like everyone would be better off without me.

The courts and Cafcass have ruined our lIves.

OP posts:
PhilSwagielka · 01/09/2019 12:12

WTAF. My mum thought I was old enough to wipe my own arse when I was 5-6, they should be doing it themselves at 9-12. Unless they're disabled, what's the excuse?

PhilSwagielka · 01/09/2019 12:13

And no, YANBU.

Ninkaninus · 01/09/2019 12:13

Oh absolutely TwoCahPlay wasn’t saying that children with some issues shouldn’t be taught, just wanted to put a disclaimer in there.

I always think of Montessori and her philosophy that even very young children (think 3 or 4 years old) can and should be taught to safely do things on their own. It’s completely normal in a Montessori pre school for young children to use sharp knives to chop vegetables and fruit, for example. Children are far more capable than they get the credit for. Keeping them from being independent is harmful to their confidence and also sets them up for failure later on.

PhilSwagielka · 01/09/2019 12:14

Oh my bad, the arse wiping thing was a metaphor. I still think YANBU though. Kids need to learn to be self-reliant. I made my own packed lunches in high school.

Ninkaninus · 01/09/2019 12:16

[flowers ] for you, OP. It must be so difficult to deal with that.

Thehagonthehill · 01/09/2019 12:16

My DD has made her own breakfast for years,it was that or starve until I got up.
Your 12 year old is in for a lonely life if he really thinks that women are only there to look after them.
How does he put his foot down?By not eating breakfast?

LaMarschallin · 01/09/2019 12:16

WTAF. My mum thought I was old enough to wipe my own arse when I was 5-6, they should be doing it themselves at 9-12. Unless they're disabled, what's the excuse?

OP, I told you this would happen.

Twillow · 01/09/2019 12:16

Difficult but hold your ground - think of the partners your boys might have and how you want them to be treated!!
You have to ignore the provocation, explain your rationale, and stand by a dad's house dad's rules, mum's house mum's rules principle.
Definitely ensure that they have pocket money which is tied in with simple chores or expectations. Increase these each year!
My 13 year old has to clean the bathroom every week, and put the washing up away every day. His 14 year old cousin has to do similar - lay the table and clear it every day, put the dustbins out every week.
They get £10 for this. Needs some reminding and cheerful encouragement/praise at times.
My friends daughter, gone to uni, actually complained bitterly to her mother that she had no idea how to do basic housework as her mother had always done everything for her.

Vulpine · 01/09/2019 12:17

Just be the calm, stable, loving parent. Let the ex indulge them. Dont be bitter, live your life to the full and enjoy/make use of the free time you have when he has the kids.

Thehagonthehill · 01/09/2019 12:19

Glad they're getting counciling though,did mean to sound unsypathetic as my ex runs me down to DD.Luckily(or not)she saw enough to know the truth.

Stompythedinosaur · 01/09/2019 12:20

My dc have been getting their own breakfasts sometimes since they were about 4! You are not being cruel, you are helping them develop age appropriate skills.

middleeasternpromise · 01/09/2019 12:25

www.familylaw.co.uk/news_and_comment/crackdown-on-divorcing-parents-who-alienate-children-from-former-partners

Things are changing in terms of PAS being recognised as a real thing. Keep a detailed diary of what is being said and by whom and how - evidence as much as possible. Seek legal advice about returning the matter to Court.

Most importantly try not to let this negativity influence how you spend time with your children - ie arguing with them, developing conflict as they are still too young to have the reflective skills to know dad is positioning them as judgemental towards mum. See your job as to kill it with kindness. Sure boys - dad thinks women should look after men, well thats one idea I guess I am here to teach you other ideas when you are grown ups you can decide for your selves how you want to live. 50:50 care is a shit experience for children were parents are still working through their stuff - my deepest sympathies. All I can say is communicate, communicate, communicate and build the best relationships you can with your sons.

JacquettaW · 01/09/2019 12:34

If you are, then I must be too. My 11 year old gets his own breakfast, makes his own brews and washes up afterwards. He even helps with the cleaning like sweeping the floor and hoovering off his own back to help me out. I've drummed into him for years that as a full time working single parent, I can't be expected to do everything all the time

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 12:35

Yes, I keep all of the messages like this:

Clearly you are a piss poor excuse for a mother.

* (fiancé) is a.dickhead.

* (fiancé) is an errand boy (because he took some joggers over to my son as ex refused to buy any as "only poor people wear jogging bottoms.)

Why is (8 yo) not allowed to watch his you tube gaming videos he likes or play on the Xbox? We don't need filters, we don't live in North Korea. It is totally unfair as was allowed to at his age and much younger in fact and has both an Xbox and phone that is not allowed. You just need to tell him if he views anything inappropriate on YouTube he loses it the same as I do. (fiancé) has some weird views that you are now going along with that you never used to hence the unfair treatment of . If you don't let him grow up you are just causing him unnecessary problems as all his friends have it and bully him about it as you are treating him like a baby. He wants to play on his Xbox and watch you tube videos like everyone else his age does. So have a think on how you are making him feel and let him enjoy himself. You think he is old enough to make his own lunch so why is he not old enough to watch a you tube gaming video?!

Just the tip of the iceberg.

OP posts:
INeedAFlerken · 01/09/2019 12:36

Mine have been sorting out their own breakfast since they were 4 or 5 -with supervision - but would be doing them no favours to not teach them to sort themselves out.

Beautiful3 · 01/09/2019 12:37

My eldest is 9, all summer holiday I've told her 'help yourself to breakfast!' At first she'd whine and wait! Now she does it without saying anything. She even offers her little sister breakfast too, if she want some. It's nice to see them becoming independent. Tell them they'll be walking to school by them selves when they're 12 so time to learn!

PeevedNiamh · 01/09/2019 12:38

I don't do breakfast or lunch. My youngest is 8. I must be really cruel 😁

Kuponut · 01/09/2019 12:40

My 7 year old has mastered toast making and makes sandwiches a lot - because she wants to (OK so it's been like living with bloody Talkie Toaster since she learnt how to do it but still) and my dyspraxic 6 year old puts up a passable attempt at assisting in the process - fetching the butter (and breaking the butter compartment flip up bit on a daily basis in the process) etc - but even she's going to have to leave home and function some day (she'd just better invest in a LOT of crockery)

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 12:40

It continues...

How come you texted me back straight away? I thought you had to work these days 😂 Just as well as you'll never be able to afford a mortgage with * (fiancé).

OP posts:
peakygal · 01/09/2019 12:40

My 11 year old daughters father has her so lazy...She literally cannot do basics that she should be for her age...In his house everything is done for her...They even still have a stair gate incase she falls down the stairs like a baby Hmm in my house I refuse to do the basics for her and she hates it

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 01/09/2019 12:44

As for walking to school, my son can't walk as ex took me to court re secondary and he got his way as usual (he could afford a lawyer and I couldn't) so school is 5 miles away with no buses from our village. My fiancé has to drop him off and I have to collect after work (can't take any job with a later finish than 4pm so I earn far less money).

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 01/09/2019 12:47

My 10 year old cooks himself full simple meals, homemade pasta, spaghetti Bol, chips and nuggets (he makes these homemade) he certainly is not “abused”

They are life skills