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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to be on a contraceptives and insist DP wears condoms

130 replies

RedPurpleyBlue · 31/08/2019 15:46

Long story short, contraceptives make me feel like a bag of sh*t.

Especially estrogen ones, which I can't actually take now anyway as I get migraines.

All progestogen ones I've tried (implant, mini pill, Mirena) I've had for at least 6 months each and never stopped bleeding on them. I have heavy periods so have been advised not to get the copper coil.

I'm getting super salty about societies expectations for women to go on hormonal contraceptives. Seems like they make a lot of women feel like crap but they just put up with it.

I'm fed up of it. I told DP yesterday I'm getting my coil out and he can use condoms from now on. He doesn't really want to do that but has no choice now because I literally said CONDOMS OR NO VAG FOR YOU.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 31/08/2019 17:04

Not sure if either of you have/want more DC, but if not, him getting the snip would be ideal.

Bookvan · 31/08/2019 17:12

You are absolutely not being unreasonable op.
I had the same conversation with my now ex-h. He hated condoms so we hardly ever had sex. One of the reasons we're now divorced. Apparently he didn't think I was serious about a vasectomy as it would hurt. Despite watching me give birth to a 10lb baby with no pain relief and hemorrhaging 4 pints of blood on an operating table, a vasectomy was too painful for him. Dickhead.

CrazyToast · 31/08/2019 17:13

Not unreasonable at all. I did the same thing, no hormones for years as they mess me up.

Missmadamefluff · 31/08/2019 17:17

Reasonable! Your choice! Yours is a lot more invasive. My pill made my depression worse.

Condoms are fine. Put lube on before putting them on and then they fit great and are comfortable. Also.. NO MESS! Yay :D

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 31/08/2019 17:18

I used condoms, in conjunction with Natural Cycles, the idea being we have a bit more freedom on the green days.

Although, call me totally weird, but I've always preferred the sensation with a condom (I'm female) plus I've found it really reduces my incidences of cystitis. It's condoms for me forever!

mistermagpie · 31/08/2019 17:19

I'm pregnant now but when the baby is born I have told DH that contraception is up to him from now on. I spent 16 years on hormones, will have spent about 2.5 of the past five years being pregnant and I am DONE. If he wasn't the snip that's fine by me and so are condoms but I feel I've done me bit in the family planning department.

YANBU.

AlexaAmbidextra · 31/08/2019 17:21

Bollocks. I had keyhole on my ovaries and I was out of action for almost a month

No, it isn’t bollocks. I had my tubes tied via laparoscopy on the Friday, was out to dinner on Saturday and back at work on Monday. Just because you were out of action for a month doesn’t mean that others will be similarly affected.

Yeahsurewhatever · 31/08/2019 17:27

YANBU at all, however I find that my partner, who would like it if I was pregnant, and who would not be as effected by me being pregnant as I would be, though he is caring and respectful and would never go against my wishes, but he just doesn't see and value the importance of being careful as much as I do. So it's something I'm v aware of.

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 17:32

Female sterilisation is now a keyhole procedure, no worse than a vasectomy.

It is not. It requires a general anaesthetic, gas introduced into your abdomen and, though small, open incision. It is therefore more expensive than vasectomy and often no longer funded by trusts due to this (you'll be offered Mirena coil instead). It has a higher failure rate than vasectomy as well.

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 17:33

It's not bollocks that female sterilisation is a more invasive and costlier procedure than vasectomy.

Alsohuman · 31/08/2019 17:35

@timshelthechoice, it may be costlier but someone who’s had it done says it’s no more invasive than vasectomy. Or are you accusing her of lying?

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 17:40

I'm not accusing, Also, because it is more invasive than a vasectomy because a woman's Fallopian tubes are inside her body and a man's vas deferens is not. So due to this biology, the surgeon has to access the inside of her body to close the tubes off - by making a couple of incisions into her abdomen then inserting an instrument to introduce gas into that area so it can be visualised, then to insert camera and instruments to close off the tubes (there was a procedure called Essure which was done through the vagina (again, have to go into the abdominal cavity to access the tubes) but it's since been discontinued to class action lawsuit). By contrast, vasectomy can be done with a non-scalpel method and because the vas deferens is not inside the man's abdominal cavity, the procedure can be done with local anaesthetic.

Female sterilisation is a more invasive procedure than a vasectomy. That's not a lie. Hmm

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 17:43

Female sterilisation also carries one potential side effect of death by ruptured ectopic pregnancy. If you become pregnant after female sterilisation, it's very important to be scanned right away.

detectivebird · 31/08/2019 17:46

yanbu. god, it enrages me that the burden of responsibility seems to always fall on the women.

RHTawneyonabus · 31/08/2019 17:47

I said the same. DH thought I’d get an implant after our last kid and ‘didn’t fancy’ the snip. Fine snip or condoms your choice. I’ve been on the pill for 15 years time for him to step up.

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 17:48

Female sterilisation should indeed always be a choice for women who wish it, but the OP hasn't stated that she does, so why should she because he doesn't like to use condoms? It's an invasive procedure, her trust might not fund it (and it's more expensive than vasectomy if you need to go private) and it carries potential side effects to her that condoms don't. Her role is not to enable him to have PIV sex because he doesn't want to use condoms.

Yaflamingalah · 31/08/2019 17:51

Of course YANBU. I can’t take the pill because I had a PE in pregnancy. I also can’t take the mini pill because it made me feel murderous. We’ve used condoms for the last 5 years. DH buys the expensive featherlight ones.

kenandbarbie · 31/08/2019 17:57

Not in the least! With a history of breast cancer in my family I'm not willing to take any hormones. I told dh from now on it's condoms or snippy snip.

whatswithtodaytoday · 31/08/2019 17:59

Totally fine. We used condoms for 12 years, stopped to get pregnant, will go back to them. Hormonal contraception doesn't suit me at all.

Socksontheradiator · 31/08/2019 18:08

Condoms worked fine for us for 10 years. No accidental pregnancies and a very happy sex life.
4 kids later and I had tubes tied. A mite uncomfortable for a couple of days, but that's all.
YANBU! I felt shit on the pill, as does one of my dds.

Fraggling · 31/08/2019 18:15

Agree with pp who pointed out condoms = no mess which is a massive massive plus!

themouldneverbotheredmeanyway · 31/08/2019 18:17

Yanbu, condoms are a perfectly reasonable option. We used them for a while between kids as I didn't fancy going on pill for just a few months.

There are some varieties where you get more sensation, Skyn is one.

I don't like condoms personally, but I'd much prefer them to having frequent irregular bleeding, so I completely understand your decision.

aliceelizaloves · 31/08/2019 18:19

I've never been on hormonal contraceptives. I really dislike the idea of them and what they do to your body.

LoubyLou1234 · 31/08/2019 18:25

We use condoms. I don't want to put hormones into my body to mess it up, it works fine as it is. No babies planned and no accidents in 8 years.

DadCanIHaveAZedgie · 31/08/2019 18:37

I haven't used hormonal contraception since I met me (now) dh six years ago. We use condoms or cycle tracking + rhythm/withdrawal (which I'm aware isn't a form if contraception) only stopping to TTC. Yanbu.