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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Loaning money, I feel a bit of a mug

123 replies

PinkPalmTree · 31/08/2019 10:54

My oldest friend is always struggling for money. She’s never worked as she fell pregnant at 17, and has 4 children with another on the way. Her partner has a minimum wage job. She’s always complaining how tight money is and how she would love to be able to afford to move but can’t afford it. She’s currently in a 2 bed council flat.

Anyway last year her partners hours were cut. She was in a panic as she needed to buy her 2nd eldests uniform who was just going upto secondary. The school had just gone over to a academy and changed the uniform completely everything now needed logos and the trousers were supplied by this particular shop so no chance of buying second hand or cheaply from the supermarket. I loaned her £250 without a second thought and she paid it back on time.

Her partners hours haven’t increased and he’s still in the same job, she’s having a shortfall each month and most months asks to borrow £100. Always paid it back on time.

We’re not exactly well off but we’re not poor either. We get buy each month and put some into savings, so loaning her the money isn’t a big issue. If we go out for a meal I always pay for her. Sometimes another friend of ours comes along and we split friends share, I know she also pays when they go out together.

Last time I saw my friend a few weeks ago, the three of us went out. She announced her wedding was booked for next year. She’s getting married at a very expensive venue. Our other friend has SEN and has absolutely no filter so blurted out how can you afford that. She told us that she inherited £40k and is putting it all towards the wedding of her dreams. Fine, it’s no one else’s business.

But she’s now asking to borrow money off me to see her through until she gets paid again. Now she’s told us about this inheritance it’s left a bad taste as they can’t afford to live each month but are spending this huge sum on a wedding.

I just wondered what other people’s thoughts are on this?

OP posts:
fedup21 · 31/08/2019 10:57

She is being stupid blowing the lot on a wedding and incredibly cheeky asking you for loans when she’s got that in the bank. Say no-tell her to use her own savings, not yours. You’re not her interest-free overdraft.

Amcor · 31/08/2019 10:57

Say no! No one can make you lend them money, it’s your decision. You don’t need explain, just say you can’t do it anymore.

She will find someone else to
Sponge off or do without.

Worgust · 31/08/2019 10:58

“Haha give over, you’re better off than me!”

Hearty laugh, change subject, move on.

MountPheasant · 31/08/2019 10:59

Stop loaning her money. Also stop paying for her food. She’s a massive CF.

Start suggesting free outings for a while and see if she is as willing. Sounds to me like she’s using you for a free meal!

If she asks why you aren’t willing to spend anymore tell her things are tight and leave it at that. No need to mention the money.

She’s also mad to spend all that money on her wedding! I know mumsnet are pretty anti big weddings in general but I myself had a big one for 16k in May. Don’t regret a penny. However- I got everything I wanted for that, big country estate etc. 40k is insane! I also already own property- no way would I spend money in a wedding if I didn’t. Madness.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 31/08/2019 11:01

Other people have different money priorities than me. It doesn't mean I should subsidise them.

In your friend's instance I would stop helping. I would also query her plans, but then I have the kind of friends where I could say 'is that really wise' without it resulting in a big fall-out!

romeoonthebalcony · 31/08/2019 11:04

if she always pays you back I wouldn't say you are a mug, but if you don't want to carry on doing that there is no need to.

She though, definitely is a mug to be taken in by those selling her a dream of the fairy tale wedding. Although if she kept the money and used it sensibly perhaps it might reduce any benefits she is receiving like LHA?

Bananalanacake · 31/08/2019 11:06

you are saving up for a new boiler/ bathroom/cruise on Spirit of the Seas and you don't have anymore to lend.

AlwaysCheddar · 31/08/2019 11:06

Do not loan her any more money. She needs to sort her life out. She is taking you for a mug... don't let her.

TheFlis12345 · 31/08/2019 11:08

Her or her partner need to get another job to make up for the shortfall in his hours and they need to stop having more children when they can’t afford the 4 they already have!! Do not give her another penny, she is taking you for a mug.

AuntieMarys · 31/08/2019 11:08

Don't enable her anymore

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 11:10

Of course YANBU. Do people have no self-awareness?!

Your friend sounds like an irresponsible waste of space, but presumably you enjoy her friendship and it sounds like you've been a lovely friend to her.

But any financial support stops now. And if she dares to challenge or ask why (she undoubtedly will by the sounds of her as she's an absolute CF) - tell her why.

"I value your friendship and have been happy to help you out over the years and to shout dinner if it means getting to spend time with you. However, your financial circumstances have now changed - obviously you can appreciate that it's no longer appropriate for me to help you out financially".

She may well respond that the inheritance is her money and she can choose how to spend it, but that's absolutely perfect as you respond with "And my money is mine to do with as I see fit".

Struggling to see how or why you'd be friends with someone like that, tbh. Confused

fancytiles · 31/08/2019 11:10

Don't lend her money. 40k is an insane amount and if they spent 10k on their wedding then the additional 30k could help them move or buy their council flat and get on the property ladder.
Anyway she can spend her money how she wants, but she does have money so doesn't need yours.

MissLadyM · 31/08/2019 11:13

I'm LIVID on your behalf. I'd dump her, letting her know why and tell her to stick her wedding up her stupid, irresponsible arse! Who keeps breeding like that when they're skint and then has the cheek to have a fancy wedding?! Shocking

Littlechocola · 31/08/2019 11:15

She’s doing it because people are allowing her to.

chemenger · 31/08/2019 11:18

Reply that you’re saving for her wedding present and can’t spare any money at the moment.

Fluffycloudland77 · 31/08/2019 11:27

I’d say no and not feel guilty.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 11:32

Seriously? She's inherited forty grand and she's going to spend it all on one day? When she will have five kids, a low paid partner, she doesn't work and she can't make it through thr month? That's beyond bonkers.

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 11:34

Don't suppose for a minute that she's offered to take her mates for a posh dinner or even a weekend away to thank them for the years they've picked up bills for her..?

She's utterly deplorable, OP. Genuinely - how can you be friends with someone like that?

Rayn · 31/08/2019 11:40

I don't believe her. I think she was not expecting to be asked how to pay for it and just said it. If we had inherited 40k then why is she not borrowing from that? We struggle for money sometimes and I would never be able to ask a friend for it. Just so.cheeky. they have a problem with their lifestyle and finances and sounds like they are doing nothing to change it. Just say you can't as you are skint.

pinkyredrose · 31/08/2019 11:41

This sounds familiar, have you recently posted about this? If she's inherited that much she needs to tell the DWP.

Drum2018 · 31/08/2019 11:41

All you have to say is No. Remind her that she has this money and I wouldn't hesitate to tell her that she is being a completely selfish idiot to spend it all on a wedding. She can borrow it from her inheritance fund anyway and pay it it back into it, the same way she borrowed from you and paid you back.

Isleepinahedgefund · 31/08/2019 11:43

This is just one of those situations where you need to just say NO. No silly excuses about how you're saving for something etc etc, just no. No need to ask her what she's done with her money, just say no, sorry, can't do that.

HollowTalk · 31/08/2019 11:46

I hope that's the last meal you buy her, and that she buys you your meals from now on.

HollowTalk · 31/08/2019 11:46

When she asks for another loan, just say, "Oh god, no, I need every penny I earn. We haven't all got an inheritance to fall back on."

KC225 · 31/08/2019 11:47

This cannot be real. 4 kids plus one on the way and spending 40 grand on a wedding.

If it is true. Break the cycle, say not this time. She is using you as a payday loan facility not a friend. The above poster set the right tone by saying 'No, you're richer than me'