Loaning money, I feel a bit of a mug

[PinkPalmTree]

My oldest friend is always struggling for money. She’s never worked as she fell pregnant at 17, and has 4 children with another on the way. Her partner has a minimum wage job. She’s always complaining how tight money is and how she would love to be able to afford to move but can’t afford it. She’s currently in a 2 bed council flat.

Anyway last year her partners hours were cut. She was in a panic as she needed to buy her 2nd eldests uniform who was just going upto secondary. The school had just gone over to a academy and changed the uniform completely everything now needed logos and the trousers were supplied by this particular shop so no chance of buying second hand or cheaply from the supermarket. I loaned her £250 without a second thought and she paid it back on time.

Her partners hours haven’t increased and he’s still in the same job, she’s having a shortfall each month and most months asks to borrow £100. Always paid it back on time.

We’re not exactly well off but we’re not poor either. We get buy each month and put some into savings, so loaning her the money isn’t a big issue. If we go out for a meal I always pay for her. Sometimes another friend of ours comes along and we split friends share, I know she also pays when they go out together.

Last time I saw my friend a few weeks ago, the three of us went out. She announced her wedding was booked for next year. She’s getting married at a very expensive venue. Our other friend has SEN and has absolutely no filter so blurted out how can you afford that. She told us that she inherited £40k and is putting it all towards the wedding of her dreams. Fine, it’s no one else’s business.

But she’s now asking to borrow money off me to see her through until she gets paid again. Now she’s told us about this inheritance it’s left a bad taste as they can’t afford to live each month but are spending this huge sum on a wedding.

I just wondered what other people’s thoughts are on this?

If this is true, I'd actually report her if she's claiming to have £40k now .. she's taking the absolute piss.

Much regret (none actually) unable to continue to act as free pay day lender.

Nope. She shouldn’t have had 5 kids. Sorry but it’s just irresponsible. I’m all for helping friends out in times of need but she’s not helping herself. Plus she’s got 40k now which she should use to sort her life out and look after her kids.
Not your problem. Don’t lend her any more money.
You sound like a really nice person by the way xx

She told us that she inherited £40k and is putting it all towards the wedding of her dreams.

Tell her no more money from you

No more buying her meals nor lending money. Just say sorry I don't have any spare cash. She has 40,000 to dip into!!!!!

Find new a new friend , she isn't a friend she's a scrounger

I found it sad that the Tories have convinced everyone that those in receipt of benefits are scroungers or fraudsters

Nobody on here has said - or thinks - that anybody receiving benefits is a scrounger or fraudster.
The Tory's have not managed to brainwash us or destroy our common sense.
This woman is a scrounger - because she has consistently refused to take any personal financial responsibility for her lifestyle and instead CHOOSES to pass that responsibility onto others.
She chooses to keep having kids that she can't afford.
The two-child benefit cap is not applied retrospectively, so she will receive full benefits for ALL dc born before 2017 (when the new system was introduced).

She's a fraudster because she isn't declaring her inheritance to DWP - knowing full well that her benefits will be affected.

Most people receiving benefits are actually working full time and receiving a pittance
True.
WORKING people are CHOOSING to take financial responsibility for their lifestyles and dc - yet some still need help from benefits to keep their heads above water.
There are lots more people out there who are NOT able to access state financial support despite needing it....and people like this CF are making it even worse by taking money they are not entitled to.

I found it sad that the Tories have convinced everyone that those in receipt of benefits are scroungers or fraudsters

😂

*SavingSpaces2019 Wait, wasn’t TanMateix’s post about the Tories a joke? 🧐

It’s not even occurred to me until reading a few comments but I wonder if she’s spending it all on the wedding as it will interfere with her benefits?

I got the impression the money has come through as the venue has been booked and deposit has been paid. In my head I was thinking why can’t she dip into that instead.

Putting all that aside I did wonder if helping her out each month was a good idea as each month she owes me £100 she’s then £100 short. In the long run it’s not actually helping.

Before finding out about the inheritance I did want to put a stop to it as im starting to resent her, when I get messages along the lines of “how are you” I’m thinking as soon as I reply I’m going to get “sorry to ask but can you loan me £xxx”

I didn’t know if the inheritance was clouding my judgment but I can’t comprehend spending that much on one day, hence wanting some opinions. I’m absolutely baffled as that is a huge sum that could change their lives but it’s being spent on one day.

At risks of repeating what others have said.... for me it doesn't actually matter what she plans to spend the money on. It could be a house, a holiday, retraining but she let you buy her dinner for the umpteenth time and then bragged about an inheritance. Her dream wedding wouldn't be altered by paying for lunch. She is so unbelievably selfish I couldn't be her friend.

I did wonder if helping her out each month was a good idea as each month she owes me £100 she’s then £100 short

I learnt my lesson when an ex-boyfriend used to do this to me.
I got paid monthly, he got paid fortnightly yet the week after payday he'd be badgering me to 'lend' him money.
Sure, he always paid me back when he got paid - and a few days later took it back off me.

My eyes opened when i realized i was permanently down by £50-100 a month despite bringing home a full wage.
That was money i couldn't put into my savings each month...or use towards my own treats/plans/hobbies.
Emergencies? Well i didn't have a spare few bob floating around in my monthly budget to allow for them!

Basically, £100 of my wage was essentially his....he factored that money into his 'budget'....so things like cigs, booze, weed and xbox games and membership always came first on his list of priorities, because muggins here would cough up his grocery and bill money each month.

It LOOKS like you're lending money, when actually you've been manipulated into handing over your money to them.

I don't think the computer system they have in place for universal credit will care if she is spending it on a wedding or not. It will have seen 40k go into her bank account, and cut her off.

Unless of course she's used a different account. Then she's committing fraud. Which is likely let's face it. So once they find out as they will, she'll go to prison. Stop lending her money or you'll become involved too, especially if you're paying it directly to her account.

I wonder if she’s spending it all on the wedding as it will interfere with her benefits?

That won't help her if it's been in her possession at any point, however briefly. I guess she might have arranged for it to be paid to someone else, but it's still benefit fraud.

when I get messages along the lines of “how are you” I’m thinking as soon as I reply I’m going to get “sorry to ask but can you loan me £xxx”

Warn her now that you are going to have to stop lending her money for personal reasons. After that, it'll be interesting to see if her interest in how you are carries on, but in any event don't rush to answer those texts. If you get the requests for loans, be ready with a "No, sorry, I told you I couldn't" response and blank her after that.

If she's on benefits she will need to declare that £40k as soon as it hit her bank! I can't remember the threshold for savings but it's either £16k or £26k or somewhere in between.
She also can't spend it all at once
My uncle was on benefits and his wife came into £76k and they spent it within 2-3 months! They could only claim one person benefit (both couldn't claim anymore) as they said that money should have lasted a certain time etc - rules may have changed now as this was about 8 years ago

The fact that she hasn’t even got the decency to treat you to a meal out to thank you for all her freeloading over the years from her windfall would be enough for me. Never mind having 40k in the bank and still coming to the bank of pinkpalmtree.
Break the cycle and just say no . No excuses

OP the next time she asks you for money just say no. Her reaction will tell you what she really thinks of your friendship.

She can use the money from her ‘inheritance’ and pay herself back!

I wouldn't feel like a mug- she's always paid you back, so you had no reason to think anything was amiss. However. Moving forward, I would be ho eat with her- since your announcement, I'm not comfortable continuing to do this as you shouldn't need to- maybe advise that she takes some of the savings out and adds it to the bank. Seeing as they always seem to have the same shortfall of about £100, and that could solve it. What she chooses to spend the money on is her choice- and whilst I think she's daft, as long as it doesn't still affect you. Then it's her choice. It equal share of the cost of meals from now on and no loans to payday.

I think whatever is going on with her financially, it’s not your responsibility. Next time she texts asking for money, just say “No, sorry, I can’t”. Next time you eat out, don’t offer to pay her share. I’d pull back from the friendship a bit.