Loaning money, I feel a bit of a mug

[PinkPalmTree]

My oldest friend is always struggling for money. She’s never worked as she fell pregnant at 17, and has 4 children with another on the way. Her partner has a minimum wage job. She’s always complaining how tight money is and how she would love to be able to afford to move but can’t afford it. She’s currently in a 2 bed council flat.

Anyway last year her partners hours were cut. She was in a panic as she needed to buy her 2nd eldests uniform who was just going upto secondary. The school had just gone over to a academy and changed the uniform completely everything now needed logos and the trousers were supplied by this particular shop so no chance of buying second hand or cheaply from the supermarket. I loaned her £250 without a second thought and she paid it back on time.

Her partners hours haven’t increased and he’s still in the same job, she’s having a shortfall each month and most months asks to borrow £100. Always paid it back on time.

We’re not exactly well off but we’re not poor either. We get buy each month and put some into savings, so loaning her the money isn’t a big issue. If we go out for a meal I always pay for her. Sometimes another friend of ours comes along and we split friends share, I know she also pays when they go out together.

Last time I saw my friend a few weeks ago, the three of us went out. She announced her wedding was booked for next year. She’s getting married at a very expensive venue. Our other friend has SEN and has absolutely no filter so blurted out how can you afford that. She told us that she inherited £40k and is putting it all towards the wedding of her dreams. Fine, it’s no one else’s business.

But she’s now asking to borrow money off me to see her through until she gets paid again. Now she’s told us about this inheritance it’s left a bad taste as they can’t afford to live each month but are spending this huge sum on a wedding.

I just wondered what other people’s thoughts are on this?

This is just one of those situations where you need to just say NO. No silly excuses about how you're saving for something etc etc, just no. No need to ask her what she's done with her money, just say no, sorry, can't do that

I agree. Often people recommended making an excuse, like you need to justify doing what it perfectly logical.

"I'm not refusing to lend you money because I'm saving for a breast enlargement for my guinea pig. I'm refusing to lend you money because you've told me you have £40k in the bank. You cheeky, irresponsible fucking dimwit."

I just wondered what other people’s thoughts are on this?

I wouldn't be lending her any more money.

She is an idiot to spend that amount of money on a wedding. And to choose to have a fifth child they cant afford in a bed flat.

She is cheeky and rude to expect you to continue lending her money.

You are a big of a mug to pay for her food when you go out together, I would definitely stop doing that.

Exactly what @Bluntness100 said

I don’t believe she has inherited any money it was just a lie she told you all!

Say no!! Stop lending this woman money. I would always say not to lend friends money, but especially so if it makes you uncomfortable/feels unecessary. And this is certainly unecessary. She's using you as a supplementary income when she is already sitting on a healthy wedge.
Just stop! Tell her your situation has changex, tell her your expenses have increased, tell her you're saving for something but ffs just tell her no!!

She's an idiot. Don't lend her anymore money.

She is making some very poor life and financial choices and expecting friends to prop her up. Stop being a mug. She can pay her own way or not go, no more loans.

You sound a lovely friend OP but absolutely do not lend her any more money! She has money and she's choosing to spend it on one day rather than using it to help them get by until they're in a better place financially. That's her problem, not yours. If she's a decent friend then she'll understand when you say no sorry I cant lend you any more money, you shouldn't even need a reason.

I used to have a "friend" like that and as soon as I stopped helping her out she vanished! 😂 get rid she's a sponger

I would not make a fuss about just said that you cannot loan her money on this (and every she asks again) as you have other commitments that you need to prioritise.

She has been good at paying it back so no need to mention the inheritance, or priorities, just say you cannot help for your own reasons, she doesn’t seem like a person who may bully you into handing her money so you don’t really need to worry much about saying “no” if she asks again.

You are clearly a lovely friend but you need to start making it clear to her that if she really has just got that money she needs to grow up. She probably won't like it, she might even have a strop and decide not to be friends with you any more so be prepared. But it's time to stop her freeloading!

I’d tell her to go forth. And suggest that she stops having children if she expects others to fund her lifestyle.

You're being used.
You shouldn't let anyone treat you like this.
She's a dickhead.
Get rid of her.

If she needs to borrow money tell her to borrow it out of her wedding fund. She can pay herself back at her leisure.

I helped a friend on maternity leave eg I'd pay for lunch or buy an extra drink here and there. But that was it. I'm not loaded.

The word is No. it's that simple. No Sorry I can't loan you money anymore. Use the inheritance you have you have more money than I do. Spending that much on a wedding in her financial/housing and family situation is bonkers tbh. No more subsiding her meals either she's taking the piss.

No way I'd be lending her money. She doesn't seem to be very wise in her life choices 😳

Whether or not the OP has spare money is irrelevant. It is not up to the CF friend to spend the OPs money for her because her own has run out.

It's people like this that stop me from having sympathy when people 'can't pay the electricity bill', 'don't have any money for school uniforms' or any other essentials because a good proportion of them are only short of money because they've overspent on non essentials.

I agree that some people genuinely can't afford the basics but there's probably far more who simply don't bother to budget or make adult choices about essentials vs luxuries because they know some mug will always bail them out.

I would help the friend go through a budget, check her benefits, help with finding work etc, but no way would I be subbing her when she blows a life changing sum on a fancy wedding.

If she really has inherited that amount of money, she is thinking she can spend it because you feature in her current monthly budgeting plan as a source of income. For her to rethink her priorities, then that source of income needs to dry up. It isn't sustainable for you to keep bailing her out every month, so rather than put off the inevitable, I would say no to her now, and maybe she will realize she needs to rethink her money planning. Do it now before the wedding money is spent and gone.

If i were you .. i'd sit her down and give her a bit of a fiscal talking to and in that mention that mony is getting tight for you and when shes loaded with her olot could she in turn lend you a few quid?.

I bet you won't see her run for the dust i'td raise!

I would not feel bad saying no to her if you think it puts you in a bad situation. And I have to add what a crazy/irresponsible thing to spend $ on when you're skint and have children. Of course, jmo, but I'm completely dumbfounded at what people spend on one day. The one day is so inconsequential compared to the days that follow. I've seen so many have expensive weddings to be divorced soon after. I think going into a life/marriage with screwed up priorities does not bode well for it lasting. I mean if you have the money and it won't effect your life, go for it, but to be princess for a day then back to the foodbank, is nuts.

I want to know more about this Guinea pig getting a breast enlargement!

If you're serious about this OP then she's committing benefit fraud.

She obviously hasn't notified the dwp or council - round here she'd have been forced out of HA accommodation with that amount of inheritance immediately into private accommodation and the dwp suspend all benefits above a certain amount.

Say no and stay well clear. This is a problem waiting to happen.

I heard of someone who got done for tax fraud after not declaring income and spending it on holidays abroad/fancy hotels in uk. When he went for his interview he was shown proof in terms of pictures he posted on his Facebook page. He tried to argue HMRC had no right to that information (I learnt about it on a law course I was doing) but no luck. People are stupid. Locked information on Facebook can be accessed by Facebook and consequently DWP and HMRC in fraud cases even if it's only available to you!

I wouldn't loan her any more money. She's got £40K. If she doesn't want to eat into her capital, she needs to sort out her household budget so she's living within her means, not borrow from friends. That might mean using some of her savings to pay off debts or whatever. Or she needs to start creating more income. You only borrow from friends as a last resort, not convenience.

And that money could be a deposit on a house and she wants to flush it down the toilet on one day. No way would I lend her money.

You're not actually helping her, as she borrows from you and then pays you back of the next paycheck, which makes her short for the next month, so it's a cycle where she's making no headway with the shortfall between her income and outgoings.

I’d ask yo borrow money off her, seriously, just once. As a test

See how that goes....