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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Loaning money, I feel a bit of a mug

123 replies

PinkPalmTree · 31/08/2019 10:54

My oldest friend is always struggling for money. She’s never worked as she fell pregnant at 17, and has 4 children with another on the way. Her partner has a minimum wage job. She’s always complaining how tight money is and how she would love to be able to afford to move but can’t afford it. She’s currently in a 2 bed council flat.

Anyway last year her partners hours were cut. She was in a panic as she needed to buy her 2nd eldests uniform who was just going upto secondary. The school had just gone over to a academy and changed the uniform completely everything now needed logos and the trousers were supplied by this particular shop so no chance of buying second hand or cheaply from the supermarket. I loaned her £250 without a second thought and she paid it back on time.

Her partners hours haven’t increased and he’s still in the same job, she’s having a shortfall each month and most months asks to borrow £100. Always paid it back on time.

We’re not exactly well off but we’re not poor either. We get buy each month and put some into savings, so loaning her the money isn’t a big issue. If we go out for a meal I always pay for her. Sometimes another friend of ours comes along and we split friends share, I know she also pays when they go out together.

Last time I saw my friend a few weeks ago, the three of us went out. She announced her wedding was booked for next year. She’s getting married at a very expensive venue. Our other friend has SEN and has absolutely no filter so blurted out how can you afford that. She told us that she inherited £40k and is putting it all towards the wedding of her dreams. Fine, it’s no one else’s business.

But she’s now asking to borrow money off me to see her through until she gets paid again. Now she’s told us about this inheritance it’s left a bad taste as they can’t afford to live each month but are spending this huge sum on a wedding.

I just wondered what other people’s thoughts are on this?

OP posts:
Becca19962014 · 31/08/2019 12:26

barbara

I had that conversation with my landlord and social worker about cutting back on my luxuries and i could pay. In the end I got really offended and upset by it and printed off what I spend my money on and it turned out the problem was people not having their priorities right - latest tech/going out drinking etc prioritised over essentials.

I was Shock but obviously I'm just naive!

Eslteacher06 · 31/08/2019 12:26

Just say you can't afford to do this anymore. You have no obligation to get her out of her financial difficulties every month and the fact she's blowing that amount of money on one day when she clearly lives on the breadline shows that she has her priorities all wrong. But again that's not your problem. Don't feel bad about it either!

Becca19962014 · 31/08/2019 12:28

Sorry that should say the majority of people asking for help when struggling had their priorities wrong.

Of course there are genuine people but for them they see so many who aren't they now assume everyone is lying!

Mousetolioness · 31/08/2019 12:32

Is there any danger that your friend has been dreaming of having the perfect wedding but hasn't looked into the spending options, has only latched on to tales of big spend weddings, so thinks that's what people spend these days as the norm... (am obviously clutching at straws for a vaguely plausible reason why friend is thinking she'll need to spend £40k on hers...)

Juells · 31/08/2019 12:34

Her problems are all down to bad decisions on her part - having so many children for a start, when they can't afford them. Not working. Choosing to spend £40,000 on 'the wedding of her dreams'.

In all honesty I wouldn't say anything to her about not loaning money because of the inheritance. She doesn't sound too bright, so she'll just get offended and not understand why you're being so mean. Just say you can't afford it any more, sad face.

RosaWaiting · 31/08/2019 12:36

Don’t be friends with her any more.

Scruffalicious · 31/08/2019 12:37

If she's able to pay it back to you on time, ask if she's considered taking it out of her wedding savings and paying it back in there on time instead. Easy peasy!

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 12:39

Get a spine! 'Sorry, I don't have spare money to loan' and keep repeating it! She should have told the HMRC and/or DWP. What she's doing is fraud.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 31/08/2019 12:40

If you said “I’m sorry but circumstances have changed and I don’t feel able to loan you money any longer”, you’d be telling the truth.
Equally, if you said “I don’t feel comfortable discussing it in detail but things have changed and I can no longer help”, you’d also be telling the truth.
She’s not entitled to an explanation, or to your money, and there doesn’t need to be a discussion or a conversation about it unless you want one.

FilthyforFirth · 31/08/2019 12:40

Why do you even have to ask? It is obvious you should not lend her another penny. How the hell she is having 5 kids in a 2 bed house I do not know. She can't afford them.

I feel very sorry for the older ones.

thenightsky · 31/08/2019 12:42

She can borrow it from her inheritance fund anyway and pay it it back into it, the same way she borrowed from you and paid you back.

Exactly this!

Highlights12 · 31/08/2019 12:42

Just say actually I'm a bit skint this month I was going to ask you if you could lend me some money.

Hereward1332 · 31/08/2019 12:42

She's probably a CF but it's possible that although she has inherited 40k, it's not ready cash. Could be tied up for a year but or so, and she can't pay immediate expenses.

Sunshineonleith12 · 31/08/2019 12:42

I've been in a very similar situation and I just started saying "sorry I'm skint." and repeat.

BlueJava · 31/08/2019 12:47

Wow! That's incredible - so she's inherited 40k, but it still trying to borrow from you for life's necessities. As PP said "Ha ha, you're better of than me!" and don't lend her anything. To be honest I don't lend - it's will always go wrong at some stage.

KitKat1985 · 31/08/2019 12:53

You laugh and say 'give over, you've just inherited 40k'!

Personally I think she's nuts to spend 40k on a wedding when she can barely afford to live each month, but that's her choice. But it is however your choice to now start saying no when she asks for money.

YouJustDoYou · 31/08/2019 12:57

Fuck off, no. Also, does her school not have a scheme for uniform allowance for those on benefits? Forgive my ignorance of other schools, but ours has that. I don;t believe her at all.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/08/2019 13:10

She is potentially committing benefit fraud. They can check bank accounts. Someone I know ended up in court when a compensation payment took them over the threshold and the didn’t declare it.

Lulualla · 31/08/2019 13:26

I don't know how you held your tongue. How did you not just blurt out "you're going to have 5 children. You never have enough money to get through the month. You can't buy your kids basic things like uniform. Every time we go out together, we pay for you, and you're bowling 40 grand on a party?!? Don't you think your kids might benefit from that money being saved and used to live on?!? Oh and also, stop getting pregnant and get a fucking job"

You need to cut her off. No more money. No loans. No more dinners out. She can make her own choices over her finances of course, but she needs to live with those choices. She has chosen to spend 40 fucking grand on a party. So she can live with the consequences which is being unable to meet her children's basic needs. It is not your problem.

Babyroobs · 31/08/2019 13:27

Hope she's informed the benefits agencies of this inheritance if she claims any housing benefit etc ??

Ghostontoast · 31/08/2019 13:28

Maybe she’s blowing the lot in one go so they can keep getting benefits!

I wouldn’t have thought she would be evicted from her HA flat after all doesn’t one of Mick Jagger’s children/grandchildren live in HA accommodation in a smart part of London.

I would stop the lending and meal subsidising though! I reckon she owes you a swanky meal out!

gilliansgardenbench · 31/08/2019 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/08/2019 13:31

Absolutely do not lend - never again!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 31/08/2019 13:33

Ah, ok, you are a good friend and , yes , she's treated you like a mug , but hopefully you've had all the money back that you've loaned ? So not out of pocket .

With the meals , it just means you've been paying for her company .

No doubt she'll want things for going back to school , that's what she'll use as her leverage " Billy will have to go without /will be the only child that hasn't got xyz " but you know it's not down to you .

I know legally the money is hers , but does her DP have any say in how it is spent ? Using it all on one day is a waste when there are 1001 other things it can get used for .

Maybe send her some links for rental properties that will suit her family .
Is she eligible to exchange for a bigger property now with this money in her posession? Might be why she wants to spend on non-tangibles .

(Though I'd recommend a basic legal ceremony + a party after and she should;ve done this long long ago Hmm )

SavingSpaces2019 · 31/08/2019 13:39

She's a cheeky fucker who feels entitled to other people's money - and believes the world 'owes' her.
You've all been enabling her and none of you have the guts to confront her about her pisstaking.

Our other friend has SEN and has absolutely no filter so blurted out how can you afford that
FFS! Cos it isn't possible to have CLEAR COMMUNICATION unless you're on the spectrum? Hmm
Why haven't you accused the CF of having no 'social awareness' with her constant and regular demands for loans and her expectation that you will always pay for her days out?
Looks like you've been sucked in by a manipulator and are under her spell!

She’s never worked as she fell pregnant at 17, and has 4 children with another on the way
She's a workshy scrounger.....she doesn't NEED to work because she's got the system and everyone around her paying her way in life.
"Don't keep having dc if you can't afford them" would be my very blunt response to her.

If we go out for a meal I always pay for her. Sometimes another friend of ours comes along and we split friends share, I know she also pays when they go out together
For how many years have you been doing this?
What if one of you DOPESN'T want to pay for CF?
Do you have the option to refuse without the rest of the group making them feel like shit and piling on the guilt trips?
Doesn't sound like it.
Treats are to be earned - you all work for your money to buy treats.
So why are you financing CF's treats ALL THE TIME when she has made it very clear she is workshy?

She announced her wedding was booked for next year. She’s getting married at a very expensive venue
So CF manipulates you into financing her, takes the piss out of you TO YOUR FACE by again 'asking' you to lend her your money....and you're still too chicken shit to be blunt with her?
Why don't you just hand over you bank details to her if you don't think there's anything wrong with her attitude and behaviour?

She isn't your friend- she's a user and will drop you the minute you all stop paying her way in life.
She has absolutely no respect for any of you - or your feelings - which is why she's so 'thick skinned' when it comes to constantly leeching money off you all.

She knows exactly how to use her dc to manipulate you.

Don't criticise your SEN friend for having a backbone and stating the glaringly obvious when you can't even 'see' what's wrong with this whole dynamic.

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