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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting married in later life AIBU

62 replies

madcatladyforever · 31/08/2019 10:16

Wouldn't you have to be insane to get married again in later life when you have your own home, a decent pension and a good job.
Why do people do it? Some ridiculous romantic ideal?
You may as well give half of everything you own away and have a miserable retirement if it isn't a success.
Why on earth do people do it? AIBU

OP posts:
Bubsworth · 31/08/2019 10:17
Hmm
AvengerDanvers95 · 31/08/2019 10:17

Surely the same applies for getting married at any stage in life?

I would imagine marriage is likely to be more successful when both parties have lived a successful life independently and are more of an even partnership.

Original poster
madcatladyforever · 31/08/2019 10:18

Especially if you have children to consider.

OP posts:
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 31/08/2019 10:20

Because there are lots of people that can be someone's girlfriend or boyfriend - it takes one special person to be someone's wife or husband

It shows a commitment to each other beyond being a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner

AvengerDanvers95 · 31/08/2019 10:21

I presume you're thinking about someone in particular. You also haven't said what age you consider to be 'later in life'.

Original poster
madcatladyforever · 31/08/2019 10:21

Not really. If you are young, just starting out and plan to have children together I can understand it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain but if you are older and independent with your own money why would you risk losing it!? Why do people find a need to get married in this situation.

OP posts:
Minimincepies · 31/08/2019 10:22

My great aunt got married to her childhood sweetheart when she was 78. They hadn't seen each other since school, had both married other people and outlived them. Then they met again in their 70s, fell madly in love with each other and spent the rest of their lives like honeymooners - it was absolutely adorable. Your very cynical viewpoint is not applicable to everyone's circumstances.

Original poster
madcatladyforever · 31/08/2019 10:24

I know several people my kind of age 50s who are comfortably off after previous divorces who have decided to get marrid again. I'd be terrified of losing all my security when I'm nearly retired.

OP posts:
Original poster
madcatladyforever · 31/08/2019 10:25

I'm cynical for a reason. I call it sensible. I'm trying to understand what marriage can give you that living together can't.

OP posts:
chewable24 · 31/08/2019 10:27

Surely you may well be marrying someone else who has their own house, pension and job if you are older. There is only something to lose if you marry someone who doesn't.

Booboosweet · 31/08/2019 10:27

I think you're right, op. I am very happily married but if I am ever on my own again, I would never remarry. I wouldn't jeopardize my money, house etc...

itsmecathycomehome · 31/08/2019 10:29

I agree with you madcatlady. Unless you are financially advantaged by marrying someone, why bother? You are just risking everything you own to have a pointless piece of paper.

You can live together, love each other and spend the rest of your days honeymooning without - literally - betting your house on it not going wrong.

And if your first marriage ended in divorce (as opposed to bereavement) it is even more puzzling imo, because you absolutely know that it can all go wrong.

Ilikethisone · 31/08/2019 10:30

I am with you OP.

I am 37 though. Not having kids with dp. I own my own house earn well.

Getting married financially puts my financial security at risk if we split up.

I bought my house, instead of spending my divorce settlements on expensive holidays, so that the kids had a larger chance of inheriting when I die.

Dps ds is an adult. And as much as a like him I wont split what should be my kids inheritance with him.

Lockheart · 31/08/2019 10:32

Surely it depends who you marry. If you're financially secure with your own property and pension then what would you have to lose by getting married to someone who has the same?

sunshinesupermum · 31/08/2019 10:32

It shows a commitment to each other beyond being a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner This is rubbish,

My partner and I are as committed to one another as any married couple. We've been together for nearly 12 years and supported one another through some bad times. At the age of 70 we prefer to maintain separate homes and spend time in both, our finances are separate too but we share money with no quibble at all, especially as pensioners when one of us has problems. We are also still romantic and enjoy sex without pressure.

There is absolutely no need ot get married (at any age) just to be more committed.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 31/08/2019 10:32

I am a widow in my 50s and I get what you are saying.
No way would I ever marry again or even live with another man. I don’t want another partner and even if later down the line I did I would never risk my financial security by marrying again. I have enough to see my lifetime out and hopefully help myriad I remarried I would lose my late husbands pension plus the new husband would own half of what my late husband and I built up. NO just NO.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 31/08/2019 10:33

Help my children

MrsCollinssettled · 31/08/2019 10:35

YANBU - if you've got your financial stability back after divorce you'd be barking to risk losing it again at 50+ with reduced possibility of building up your finances again. Plus the inheritance impact on your dc. If you were to remarry and then died first your dc may never see any inheritance if the new partner subsequently leaves step children out of the will or remarries again. Could happen with any remarriage but increasingly likely as the couple gets older.

cacklingmags · 31/08/2019 10:43

Fully agree OP. Look after yourself and your children, not some johnny-come-lately who may have an eye to the main chance. I have seen friends marry guys looking for a cosy berth who have pretty much taken over their homes.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/08/2019 11:09

Do you know that they aren't taking financial precautions? Prenups etc?

Maybe they're protecting their assets and not risking anything at all.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/08/2019 11:14

This is why prenups should be legal here. To protect the assets you personally bring into the relationship.

I can see why people don’t marry, just to protect themselves financially. Makes sense in lots of ways.

RainMinusBow · 31/08/2019 11:21

My grandad married his first wife in his 20's and his second wife at 78. He's no longer with us but I know he was so happy when he passed 😊

JaceLancs · 31/08/2019 11:42

I have a family member who has been married 5 times, divorced first 2, sadly widowed 3 times
She is a lovely person, now has a massive extended family, and although never married for money always love - has done very well out of it money wise

HollowTalk · 31/08/2019 11:42

Someone I know has done this in her 50s. She'd had a horrible first husband and now she's married again to someone who doesn't seem any better. He's living in her house, has sold his own and is buying toys for himself with the money and he's been heard yelling at her several times. I know that keeping her house took everything she had and that she wanted to keep it so that her girls could inherit it - I just hope she's written a Will (and hidden it from him.)

dollydaydream114 · 31/08/2019 11:52

As ever, I’m struggling to understand why people get so worked up about other people’s entirely personal decisions which are none of their business and affect them in no way whatsoever.

DP and I are 43 and 51 and not married. I don’t care if anyone else is.