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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting married in later life AIBU

62 replies

madcatladyforever · 31/08/2019 10:16

Wouldn't you have to be insane to get married again in later life when you have your own home, a decent pension and a good job.
Why do people do it? Some ridiculous romantic ideal?
You may as well give half of everything you own away and have a miserable retirement if it isn't a success.
Why on earth do people do it? AIBU

OP posts:

oldfatandtired1 · 31/08/2019 12:13

madcatlady totally agree. I’m 58, divorced 4 years ago and did very well in my divorce settlement. I live happily alone in a gorgeous (if tiny)! country cottage, continue to work full time in a job I enjoy (not terribly well paid but enough) and I have a decent pension pot (divorce settlement ensured equality of income in retirement). I sometimes think I’d like a ‘boyfriend’ to do things with but the thought of living with someone again fills me with dread. And I wouldn’t want to risk someone getting his hands on my kids future inheritance (yes, I know they can’t rely on that should I need care in my old age).

kenandbarbie · 31/08/2019 12:29

Perhaps they have a romantic ideal. Perhaps they love that person and that's it. They might also want to make sure they are the other persons next of kin for emergencies and health reasons. Also to share the benefits of pensions, tax and inheritance for spouses with the person they love.

I wouldn't do it. But I understand why other people would.

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2019 12:32

You don't need a prenup.

Just see a solicitor, ring-fence what needs to be. Make proper wills.

itsmecathycomehome · 31/08/2019 13:03

"As ever, I’m struggling to understand why people get so worked up about other people’s entirely personal decisions which are none of their business and affect them in no way whatsoever."

Who's getting worked up? It's a discussion. MN would cease to exist if everybody stopped discussing stuff that had very little to do with them personally.

dollydaydream114 · 31/08/2019 16:00

Who's getting worked up?

The OP said people are ‘insane’ and ‘ridiculous’ and cannot understand ‘why on earth people do it’ before fretting that these theoretical strangers will have a miserable retirement. She sounds pretty worked up to me. But I guess some people just don’t have enough of their own life to think about, so they poke their nose into other people’s and judge theirs instead.

RainMinusBow · 31/08/2019 17:23

I will be putting a legal agreement in place before I marry fiancé as my savings from divorce will be solely going into the deposit for our house when we can finally get a mortgage. He has no savings and we are both pretty low earners currently - we both work ft-him on around £24k pa and me on about £18K. We're currently renting.

This will mean that should anything happen to me or we divorce my two boys will have a share of the house etc. My pension would also go to them equally. My fiancé has chosen to name me as the beneficiary for his pension as he has no children.

My fiancé fully respects my wish to protect my children and I have no issue with being the one to put down the mortgage deposit. We are a partnership and it happens to be me with the savings from my divorce.

My very wealthy ex-husband on the other hand has a fiancé 15 years his junior who also has no children. She does not work (gave up her admin role when she moved in with him) but is not happy to have any such arrangements put in place when they marry asap. I wonder why that is?!!

itsmecathycomehome · 31/08/2019 22:19

"But I guess some people just don’t have enough of their own life to think about, so they poke their nose into other people’s and judge theirs instead."

Are you new to mn? That's at least 50% of discussions.

OldGranvilleHouse · 31/08/2019 23:02

I don’t really see what age has to do with it and, although I’m sure this isn’t intended, I think some of the posts seem a tad bitter.

MoaningMinnie1 · 31/08/2019 23:25

Some people just like living with a partner, they look after each other and share happy times (hopefully).

It's possible to organise separate finances to ensure security, in fact most people would do that especially if they have children from previous marriage.

I know what you mean though. I wouldn't want to set up home with someone again, would be happy to have a 'boyfriend' who lives in his own home. That's me, we're all different.

PositiveVibez · 31/08/2019 23:35

My mum remarried at 68. Sold her house and gave us all a bit of money, and is having a great life with her lovely husband who absolutely adores her - and so he should. She is an amazing, lovely, kind woman.

She moved into her now husbands home years before they were married. My mum was widowed at 50 so was on her own for years.

She has a fine old life now, holidays, socialising, she's on a cruise right now.

So it's worked out great for her.

They have written their wills and if her husband goes first, she can stay in the house till she's ready to leave this earth, after which, the house will belong to his daughter.

It doesn't have to be so complicated.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 01/09/2019 00:09

I couldn' t agree more. I'm 50's, divorced, solvent, own home, fat pension and would like to get married again. But obviously, he'd have to be my financial equal.

On all the dating websites I've been on over the years and of all the men who have shown interest in me, not one of them has been my financial equal. (i'm talking gross worth half a million, so i'm far from being a millionaire) the ones with any money are all married.

Or maybe that's why they're married.

Alsohuman · 01/09/2019 00:13

Why do you care what other people do, OP? You wouldn’t do it. Some women want to be married to the man they love. It’s no skin off your nose.

StillMe1 · 01/09/2019 01:05

Exactly why does a PP think that anyone marrying later in life has to consider their probably adult children?
I suppose to some extent it depends on what the adult children are like but judging from Threads on here MNs will move away from their parents should any chance arise. I doubt if any MNs would have dropped their partners/husbands on the say-so of their parents. It is thought on MN that a visit to parents once a fortnight is borderline excessive. Do all MNs expect their parents to sit home alone until it suits the adult children to visit once or twice a year. Many grandparents are under the constant threat of not being allowed to see the DGC if they do not comply with the wishes of adult children.
We have seen on here that some adult children think they are entitled to inheritance prior to death. It is not inheritance until the money owner dies.
If a single older person has assets that shows that they have acumen with money and not likely to suddenly turn silly with money. The assets do not belong to the adult children they are in the control of the owner and most older people are wise enough to make Wills or other suitable arrangements for their money.
I didn't get a say in who my adult children are in relationships with or any other part of their lives, the DGC are frequently kept back if I dare to "disobey", and I have given money/goods which were never quite enough so I won't by asking my adult children for any permissions for anything I do in the future.
This thread looks like worry about the older adult spending money and leaving the adult children with less in the future.

DramaAlpaca · 01/09/2019 01:11

I'm with you, OP. I'm in my 50s & happily married but if anything happened to change that there's no way I'd ever get married again.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/09/2019 02:21

Another one here who is happily married (30+ years) who would NEVER marry (or live with a man) again. Even if this fictional man were a billionaire or an 'Adonis' (or both) I'd still never marry him or live with him. Be a faithful partner and loving companion, sure. But I'd never legally tie myself to anyone or put myself in the way of being 'evicted' from his home or having to 'evict' him from mine.

If someone wants to marry their partner, go for it. But I've known more than one woman who has had to care for someone they've been married to for less than 10 years because his grown children felt it was her 'duty' as his wife. I will care for my husband because we have built a life together and have 30 years of shared history. But I would expect a 2nd husband's adult children to step in and care for their father. As I would expect my adult children to care for me.

saraclara · 01/09/2019 02:34

Not a chance I'd marry again at my age. Nor cohabit full time. My life is simple, financially stable and independent. Marriage would complicate that.

Also among my peers and those a little older, I've not seen good outcomes from such marriages. Every lively woman I know who's remarried in their 60s has quickly become either their husband's carer, or had their style cramped by a husband who's slowed down quicker or not been prepared to adapt their lifestyle. On two occasions last month I ended up listening to such wives' woes.

Ragwort · 01/09/2019 03:27

Totally agree with you OP, but I do think some people just don’t want to be on their own and ‘need’ the security of a live in relationship without really thinking it through. Agree with Sara, I am in my 60s & see many unhappy second marriages but people are too proud to admit to another mistake.

Passthecherrycoke · 01/09/2019 03:31

This has just happened to a friend of mine- she’s lost half of everything, nearly £1m. They had a pre nup which they were assured would be taken into account although not legally enforceable - it wasn’t

Mummadeeze · 01/09/2019 03:49

I am 45 and have been in an unhappy and abusive relationship for 15 years. I never married my partner thank goodness, but my dream is to separate and eventually meet a good, kind man who loves me enough to want to marry me. It has taken me a long time to believe that I am worthy of that, that a man would ever love me enough to want to commit himself to me. I really hope my age doesn’t get in the way and that I will grow older married to someone else who makes my life better and is a good companion so that at least I will have experienced a good relationship in my life. Marriage is a romantic ideal for me but it would mean a great deal.

dastardlybugs · 01/09/2019 03:56

I'm with you, OP. It's one of those unpopular or unsaid opinions, but when you're financially stable and independent, you really are taking a massive risk getting married to someone who isn't in a similar position. Opponents tend to be people who are romantics, or who unfortunately tend to be the ones in the more vulnerable position in their relationships.

Of course, it's vastly different if you met your partner in, say, your 20s and have built a life together.

Purpleartichoke · 01/09/2019 05:24

At this point if something happened to DH, I can’t fathom remarrying because of the potential inheritance issues for my child.

My own mother made it very clear before she died that she could accept that my dad would date, but remarrying would be a betrayal. she wanted to be sure if he had any of their savings left when he eventually dies, that it will go to my sibling and I.

Purpleartichoke · 01/09/2019 05:34

I don’t in any way regret marrying my husband. If we were not having children, I would have been fine simply sharing our life together. Legal marriage provides solidifies an economic union that facilitates raising children. Of course, that economic union can be created without marriage, but it’s much more complicated.

Original poster

madcatladyforever · 01/09/2019 07:50

I guess the point of my post isn't to be a busybody. It's a bit of a salutary lesson really. Once upon a time I really believed in marriage. I thought it would be me and my husband against the world and a secure partnership.
Now divorced twice. Each time they took a big chunk of my money.
Now I have enough to buy a cottage in the country. I have an NHS pension and another 10 years to work for my retirement.
If I'd never got married I would have been able to retire early and I'd have a property twice as big.
If I was to marry again and divorce I'd be facing retirement in poverty with nowhere to live.
I can't afford to buy into the romantic ideal. I have to be sensible.
I am currently watching my sibling being fleeced of the million she earned by a good for nothing husband. There is almost nothing left and he's getting restress to move on.
Marriage and romance have cost us dear. I'm so glad soany agree with me and think with their heads first.

OP posts:

dastardlybugs · 01/09/2019 07:57

Ignore the people calling you a "busybody". The point of an open forum is to facilitate discussion. If someone doesn't want to share their personal thoughts/stories, they're free to exit the page and click on another thread.

speakout · 01/09/2019 07:59

OH and I are in our late 50s. we have been living together for 23 years, have young adult children and will marry soon.
I am not a fan of marriage generally, but as we near retirement we have to consider finances and care.
We both have several pension funds, some frozen, still growing but going back decades, and we have money grabbing siblings on both sides of he family.
OH is a bit more romantic than I am and would like a celebration of marriage, I would be happy to get married with a quick pop into a register office and straight back to work. We will marry in the next year or two..

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